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my husband is critically ill, i am terrified

377 replies

lemontruffles · 01/01/2013 04:38

My husband has severe copd (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease) and yesterday had a severe exacerbation. This means he couldn't breathe properly and is now in hospital.

He is on a ventilator, and not responding well to this treatment after about 40 hours on the ventilator. I am utterly terrified.

I've come home to try to sleep, but can't.

He is only 61. He is terrified too. I simply can't think straight and am in a new and appalling world where nothing is right and everything is terrifying. I can't stop shaking with fear. Please hold my hand.

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lemontruffles · 06/01/2013 22:32

My husband has woven a story for me because he has lessons to teach me.

In an earlier post I mentioned the shiny penny with a Welsh harp on it, and the clock, and crows and the card with a verse on it. That evening I had also had a deep sense of his presence (when I went to the loo - ever dignified!) which is very hard to describe: I didn't feel an emotion, or think a thought, I just seemed to be in a state of what I can only describe as calm, relaxed mindfulness, and this seemed to make me aware and make me able to accept what was happening. I have a tendency to overthink things, so this quiet mental state is unusual, but that's what it was like.

Also, everything that I was doing was based on my deep instincts. This is also unusual for me because I doubt myself so much, but my husband has taught me to be more trusting, and enabled me to be less self-doubting; it's because he loved me that I could learn.

This second evening I decided I needed something to put the penny in. After a fruitless online search I remembered that I had a locket given to me by an aunt 12 years ago which I've never worn. I went to find it, and guess what, it's round, and my penny fitted exactly into it. It has a complex Celtic cross on the front of it - I am Scottish, he is Welsh, we are Celts through and through - and on the back is this verse:

May the road rise to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the sun shine always on your face
The rain fall soft upon your fields
And until we meet again
May God hold you in the hollow of his hand.

Another gift from him. I went and ate my dinner, and when I walked back into my sitting room I noticed a bright shiny little framed picture on a shelf in my hall. It's a fridge magnet my husband gave to me shortly after we met; a little snippet of Gustav Klimt 'The Kiss'. It was the first romantic gift he ever gave me, and I felt it was heartfelt and lovely, and kept it on my fridge for years. I lost it several years ago. Here it was, back again.

Well, this made me laugh. I knew that he knows that I'm a hard person to convince, either about signs like this - I'd tend to dismiss them as fantasy - or that he loves me - he was giving me deeply personal items, with deeply personal words or symbols on them that are a true reflection of the actual love we shared.

Then I tried to go on this thread, and it had vanished. I tried 'thread I'm on' and 'threads I started' but it had gone; very puzzling indeed. I tried a search with my nickname, and the thread appeared, then the internet connection disappeared, along with thread; he definitely didn't want me to come on here. I realised that this part of the story was this: he wouldn't want me to dwell on the recent sad days, and he knows I have a tendency to do this, but he wants me to listen to him: have joy in your heart, not sadness.

If this all sounds extraordinary and strange to you, I can sympathise completely! I've never ever had an experience like this, and it's hard to put it into my words because I don't want to sound as though I'm just making this up for self comfort: I'm absolutely certain that what I'm saying is true because my husband put a lot of effort and thought and fun into what he has done.

There's a bit more, and this is the bit that has excited me the most.

OP posts:
MunchkinsMumof2 · 06/01/2013 22:53

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lemontruffles · 06/01/2013 23:14

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lemontruffles · 06/01/2013 23:25

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MunchkinsMumof2 · 06/01/2013 23:27

It makes sense to me and I understand what you are saying. It's beautiful really that even in death, your dh is reassuring you about his unconditional love for you. He will help you through these heartbreaking days.

lemontruffles · 06/01/2013 23:29

Do not stand at my grave and weep:
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awake in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I do not die.

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MissPricklePants · 06/01/2013 23:31

lemontruffles I am so sorry for your loss, I am crying after reading your posts, I hope you and your dc's have the support you need around you.

MunchkinsMumof2 · 06/01/2013 23:33

Which bit has the typo, sorry I don't know the verse well enough to spot it?

lemontruffles · 06/01/2013 23:45

The typo is in the last line. The original verse says 'I did not die'; my version clearly and definitely says 'I do not die'.

This is the key to his messages to me. Our love still exists. He is joyful and free and well and flying and happy and having fun within our love, somewhere in the universe that I can't see. It still exists for me too, here in my human world. He is giving me lessons so that I can recognise and find it in the world of nature around me. He is telling me not to grieve for his poor broken body: why would I? He is joyful and well now. He wants to convince me to truly believe in our love, and has given me both physical and mental and emotional gifts to completely convince me of these truths. He want me to understand that he may not be here physically, but our love is here, and will continue. He's not just offering me comfort for now, but hope for my future.

This sounds so mystical and strange!!!

I don't know what you will think about all this, but the sheer number of the contacts he's made have convinced me: and believe me, I'm a hard person to convince about most things (cynical old gimmer).

I definitely can't believe that I'm sitting here with a sense in my heart of celebration and joy; the pain of the days after his death still haunt me, especially at night, but he has tried incredibly hard to help me to believe in the love we have, to believe it's still here even though he isn't, and to feel the joy and happines life has to offer in myriad different ways - in my case in particular, through music, through the mountainous countrysides of Wales and Scotland, though language and verse, through picture. He loves me, he has given me these gifts because he loves me.

I simply can't tell you how strange it is to be writing these words. I am a down to earth, practical sort of person; really, I am the last person on earth you'd imagine would have any kind of mystical or spiritual experience, and be sharing that experience with the world.

Thank you all so much for holding my hand, for cradling me, for loving me in my days of deep and terrible despair. My husband's death has, quite simply, been the most traumatic time of my life.

Thank you for now listening while I try to explain, at some length, the extraordinary events of the last 3 days. I can't explain what's happened; I've tried to put down the facts, and thank you for listening, and for your patience with me taking up so much of your time.

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DreamsTurnToGoldDust · 06/01/2013 23:46

Lemon, what lovely experiences, to have had such a deep love is such a lucky thing, many people go their whole lives and not experienced that.

Munch, I think the last line usually says I am not there, I did not die, I think the do not is very poignet to you Lemon. Much love x

aJumpedUpPantryBoy · 07/01/2013 00:11

Lemon, I truly believe that as long as someone is remembered with love they love on. Your love for your DH shines like a beacon in every post you write.

aJumpedUpPantryBoy · 07/01/2013 00:11

That should say they live on, not love on

lemontruffles · 07/01/2013 00:12

At the risk of boring you to tears, I've had another present from my husband.

It's a slug. A baby slug. He knows I almost phobic about slugs, and because it's a baby it's kind of sweet - but it's a SLUG!!!

He knows I've understood his messages, and now he's having some fun, aaargh!!!

(do I sound quite mad? I'm not - this is really happening - I'm soo boring and normal, yet these extraordinary things are happening to me).

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LentilAsAnything · 07/01/2013 00:22

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LentilAsAnything · 07/01/2013 00:23

JumpedUp, I think 'love on' is another wonderful typo from lemon's DH! He is indeed loving on. How apt.

MNPin2013 · 07/01/2013 00:28

Your Very DH will be sadly missed LemonTruffles but it sounds like he is staying close by, my Dada did the same, draw comfort from this.

aJumpedUpPantryBoy · 07/01/2013 00:32

lentil the really weird things is (and I swear this is true) I spotted it and corrected it before posting but it didn't post the correct version.

LentilAsAnything · 07/01/2013 00:55

Wow! And woo.

2Tired2GiveaShit · 07/01/2013 00:56

Words fail me... XXXXX
the verse you quoted at 23:29 were said at my mams funeral 8 year ago, she was 53 and that verse has never left me. Time is a great healer Lemon you never forget but it does get easier xxxxxx

CornyClam · 07/01/2013 04:38

That verse is beautiful lemon. X

Rosa · 07/01/2013 06:36

Lemon you are amazing and your posts are magical. Wishing you strength .

lemontruffles · 07/01/2013 06:51

Hello. I've finally slept after not sleeping more than tiny bits for ages. I feel yesterday and the 2 days before it were a gift from him; I felt protected. Today is bleak again, sad and lonely. This is going to be tough. This is just so hard. I miss him so much.

Thank you for listening.

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madasa · 07/01/2013 07:08

Thinking of you Lemon and sending you love and strength x

roguepixie · 07/01/2013 07:15

Good morning lemon. I am glad you slept. Days will not feel all the same and the awful feelings you describe: bleakness, sadness and loneliness will rise up again and again as you make your way through this terrible time. However, your times of peace, calm and remembered joy will also rise, again and again and you will, I hope, gain comfort from it.

You are so eloquent. Your love for your husband shines through and I know he felt that love in his life and feels it now. He will never truly be apart form you - you hold him in your heart and tat means you will never to separated.

We are hear and we are listening. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your loved ones.

pink90 · 07/01/2013 07:31

I have been in your position - my advice is be kind to yourself, don't do things because you feel you ought to ( socially ) but on the other hand don't close down on everything if you have children.

Time does not heal but you will learn to cope with your feelings.

Sending you best wishes

PM me if you feel you need to talk to somebody else who has been in your position.