Another sleepless night, and feeling numb.
I found out today that the phrase 'seeing it in black and white', meaning that the words written down give the words meaning, is true. I had to register his death. Seeing his precious full name on the piece of paper, and 'widow' next to mine , and the causes of death, was so difficult. That's his name, it belongs to him, it doesnt in any universe belong on a lonely piece of paper without, oh how to put this, being attached to the real living him. His name now doesn't belong to someone who is alive, and how can that be true? That was overwhelmingly hard to understand, but there on the paper in front of me was proof that he isn't alive. The words really did look carved in stone on the paper. I still can't believe this has happened though; bewildering panicky confusion. So exhausting. Such pain.
But the panic has been very hard since.
Friendly your dad sounds amazing, a man of great strength and love for his family.
betty I'm a bit like you. I used to feel beyond lucky and happy most days to be loved by, and to love, my husband. Great waves of happiness at all sorts of random times when we were together.
I can't write properly today because so tired and so numb.
We were normal people. We had arguments a plenty, we could both be a bit, well, grumpy and argumentative sometimes. Sometimes he drank too much - and get very loud and daft. He could have a stubborn streak a mile wide which could be really frustrating to me. The last year, when he deteriorated badly, couldn't breathe without oxygen, couldn't walk anywhere, was terrified to go out in case people were smoking and the air quality was poor, this year was stuffed full of our fears and frustration, and sometimes neither of us dealt well with these pressures. Too many ridiculous arguments about very little. But oh, we loved each other, and trusted each other, without limit.
Thank you all for listening to me.