Misty breeze wraps about my shoulders, thinly clad. I shiver not, despite the coolness on my skin. Comfort, I now feel. Is it you my precious Angel?

[chipmonkey]

Starting a new thread for our angel babies
Sylvie-Rose 16/8/11 to 4/10/11 too short my love, too short.

You are all right There is nothing that can be said or done to make it better. I just said he could talk if he wanted but not if he didn't. He said he had nothing to say but then we did talk which was good. I suppose he scares me because I feel that I am bound to return to that black pit of despair again.

Until now, he has had more mixed emotions. He has been 'up and down' and I have been down and more down. I don't understand why I feel ok at the moment. It feels false.

It's odd SaintVera but I've noticed a bit of a seesaw effect with DP and I. When he's struggling, it seems to make me strong and vice versa. I think it's a sort of self preservation thing because it just wouldn't work if we both hit our lows at the same time. Likewise, I think that ok feeling is also just self-preservation, because we can't sustain a continuous feeling of despair without needing a break from it every now and then.

matilda, yes. it was similar (but not as profoundly desolate) when we found out about DS's disabilities - DH and I took it in turns to feel low. The worst times were when we both felt down and the energy to care for each other isn't there. Like someone said on here, having 'half a mum' is better than no mum - having half a DP is better than splitting up I guess.

matildafeeling ok is not false. Appreciate it as a momentary lull in your grief. Don't feel guilty either. You need these breaks.

It's so tough, I just have to keep reminding myself that we must be kind to each other. We're each so wrapped up in our own grief that this doesn't always come naturally. It can make communication difficult but at the same time the grief and the love you have for your children is this unbreakable bond. We're not married so when DD was born, I remember thinking, this is the tie that will bind us, but actually it wasn't until DS died that I really felt this in my bones, that the shared loss connected us even more deeply.

Finallly back in the UK! Landed on the 6th month anniversary of Aillidh's death - today.

Losing a child turns life into an interminable slog sometimes.

welcome home expat. Six months..that is a really tough day to come from so far away, to have jet lag, to readjust to being back. Be as kind to yourself as you can xx

We will be six months on Wednesday. I am aware again that this grief for us is in such an early stage.

hi everyone, glad to hear your back on uk soil expat

whoever said its better to have half a mum than no mum, thanks for that, been thinking about that alot
and its spot on

i often feel guilty that i'm often away with my thought, say for eg, on sunday took dd swimming, i was thinking about how ds should be here and imagining his arms all chubby holding onto me in the pool.
then dd said what are you staring at mummy
and i realised im doing that thing again where i just zone out and go into a deep daydream

Am crying watching The Horse Hoarder on C4. The man's life fell apart after his 18-year-old daughter was killed in a car accident.

Welcome back, expat but it is a tough day to have to come back on xx

matilda, also wanted to say that it's ok to feel ok sometimes. I think I have sometimes felt that if I was having a good day, then I was somehow being disloyal to Sylvie-Rose, I mean, how could I have a good day when she's dead? But really, in order for us to carry on, at least some of the days have to be good.
I liken it to life after Armageddon. There are no houses, no supermarkets, no schools and the landscape is destroyed but the day we catch a fish for dinner will be better than the other days!

I like that analogy chip, very apt!

Welcome back Expat. Six months is forever and no time at all xx

White, yes, I catch myself doing the staring thing a lot when I'm with DD. One minute I'm with her, then I just slip into that parallel universe where I should have my little boy with me, or I'll start replaying on a loop the terrible day when I found out he'd died, she tends to get my attention back by doing something incredibly naughty!

Miasmummy, how are you coping? Hope you are having a gentler time of it and enjoying lots of cuddles with Mia's little brother xx

matilda, thing that worries me, well not worries me, but makes me wonder is when i do that going into a deep daydream starring thing and dd is with me, she will say to me, mummy what are youastarring at

and that makes me realise i'm doing it.

i don't know how often or for how long i do it when dd is not here

i know i did it in whsmiths once, as i was standing in the main que when someone said do you want to pay on the self service tills and i said ok, went over the to self service till and then zoned out, then i didnt even realise i was zoning out until someone came over to me and said you have to press pay now.
then i realised i had jus been standing there staring for ages

i dont knwo how often i do this when dd is not there or im not actually holding anyone else up

its weird its like a super deep daydream

does anyone find theres ever a day that passes where you don't think about the child you lost?
i find i think about ds every single day, and its not that i don't want to think about him everyday, i just wonder if i ever will have a day that i don't

mainly i don't want to be this sad all the time anymore

No I still think about DD every single day, and she died in 2009. I don't realise I'm doing it, but I do it- every time I see someone who looks a bit like her, or see someone her age (that she'd be now) or her age (when she got ill) or every time someone talks to me about something - like today I had to stand for half an hour being lectured by some guy about how there are so many sick people and how he does stuff for charity and he was telling me about a 23 year old with cancer and how I should think of myself as lucky (he was a stranger, this was in response to me saying my new year working for ambulance was exhausting, which is bloody was) and it was on the tip of my tongue the whole time 'yes I do know ctually, my CHILD DIED so shut the F* up.. but I bit my tongue and smiled politely. I really don't like seeing people at the moment either, I was meant to go to a gym class but I know someone there and I just couldn't face going. It was my birthday and I have to say it was the most miserable I have been on my bday really. I seriously underachieved and overate and didn't see any friends at all I am in one of those dark places at the moment, I want to wake up when it's all fixed, but it won't be.

white, I don't do it visibly but I do often have DD playing on my mind heavily when I am with DS, and I feel very guilty about that. My mother zones out a lot, she will do this weird nervous thing, tap her foot manically twiddle her fingers and stare into space. She would always slip into it when I was trying to talk to her. Drove me mad as a child- but she was extreme, it was every day- I don't know if she still does it.

I am often very distant though with DS which was noted by my uncle at a family gathering when DS was less than 1. I just haven't got the same bond at all, and it has fundamentally wrecked that closeness. I find myself wanting another baby now (silly, impossible) but I feel very bad about DS and miss DD and want to fix things, I feel very sad that I'm still young and yet I can't ever now have a happy family life really, I can't have what lies ahead of my friends - I've had my children and one of them is in a state of decomposition in a cemetery. There's nothing jolly about that. I find it easier to pretend I've never had children sometimes.

Morning girls xx

afternoon shabba x

cafe, I hope the morning brought a better day. Really sorry your birthday was hard. Any days where we are expected to be happy seem to bring extra strain. I dread my birthday - my 50th was six weeks after DS died. I had worried about it all year as I am not good at doing parties and my friends are all very different and disconnected and I didn't know how I was going to mark it. Of course, as it turned out, I didn't have to worry about a party. It was one of the worst days of my life, the day where I realised Sean wasn't coming back. I don't want to be reminded of it next birthday.

I am feeling less numb and I don't like it. Getting little waves of 'the horrors' back about finding him and him not existing anymore.

Happy New Year everyone!
xxxx

Christmas over for another year, phew.

hi, anyone around?

had a terrible morning, felt like i'm actually insane sometimes

decided to walk into town and colect my car from the garage, was a good hour walk, was feeling fairly okish when i set off after dropping dd off, but about 20 mins into the walk, i was listening to music on my headphones, and the leona lewis song came on, bleed ign love fgs, and all i could think about was ds.
they lyrics really got yo me, esp certain parts like,
But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away[ thinking people that tell me to move on etc]

Trying hard not to hear[school gate chat about babies]
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling

But nothing's greater than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I'm going crazy, maybe, maybe[yes i am def crazy]

And it's draining all of me[certainly is]
Oh they find it hard to believe
I'll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see[can't hide them]

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love

then i just started sobbing, and sobbing walking along a main road, liek acrazy person, had a few funny looks.
then by the time i got to the garage my make up was all over my face[been trying to make more effort with my apperence that why i was wearing make up, ended u looking a total mess

the whole hours walk all i coudl think of was ds.

then i had to cross over a main road,cars and trucks bombing by, and had to go over a foot bridge, and i actually had the thought, imagine just stepping off

don;t get me wrong i would never never never do that to dd or dh or my mum and dad or any of my family and friends, but it was actually a tempting thought

plus i would never do that to a poor unspecting driver

just feel like such a mess, shut myself off a bit as when certain people say things it hurts me more, and tell me i need to move on, or i need to get a job, or i need to get out more, or tell me ive lost my spark, or that i'm depressed

all just piles n the pressure and doesnt help me at all

just dont want to feel this sad all the time anymore
and keep thinking fuck is this my life now then

however ive had a headache since christmas, i think due to putting an act on, and the headache has lifted so perhaps a meltdown was needed

just feel bit insane really.

today at the school gates, one mum had a newborn with her and another mum, who i m guessing doesnt know about my ds, said they always look dead dont they new babies, when mine where little i had to keep cheacking if they were breathing all the time, and the other mum said yeah i do that too.
and i just stood there thinking, i actually watched my son die in my arms
i know im not the only person i the world to lose a child, i know theres alot more of us out there than most people think, probably because we stay quiet even at times like these
yet i feel like in my world, the world im in everyday, i;m the only one

my heart just feel so heavy
and i feel so sad

cafe, i hope i don't do that zoning put thing alot i really don't know how often i do it

thanks for telling me that you do still think of your dd everyday, i feell like i know i will think of ds every day for the rest of my life

oh white,I'm here for a bit - got to make a meal, but I just wanted to give you a virtual hug.

We all keep bleediing here, don't we. I feel it won't stop. I have never thought to listen to those lyrics before but this experience makes them so real and true. The things those mums said must have been a knife to your heart. Certain things people say make me feel I am getting an electric shock or swallowing razor blades.

Pretending to be normal at Christmas for just one day was a terrible strain for me and made me feel like I was going mad. There has to be a fallout from holding it together. You are not insane xxx

thanks for the hug saint

yes it felt like my heart just stopped or frooze, or like someone was hitting me in the heart with a cattle prod
i just find i get quieter and more withdrawn each and everytime

i just feel such a mess

yeah i might be a bit of post christmas fall out

songs get to me all the time.

white, the songs you post here always have such meaning, and the poems. Keep 'em coming.

Just unpacking and re-organising here as much as I can during the day with DS underfoot. It's mostly a good feeling, but hanging up DD2's art sometimes I think of how Aillidh loved art but will never make anymore.

I love DD2 so much, she's very different from Aillidh, though, in temperment, physically and what she likes to do. I really loved having two girls.

I find it easier not to listen to music now. The lyrics sneak up on me unawares.

But I cry in public places too - just don't care anymore, if I need to cry, I need to cry. If people know me, they will know why, and if they don't, it doesn't matter. The pressure has to escape somehow...

We are away on a family ski holiday, such a luxury. Brought Mia's passport with us, and seen lots of cloud kisses here so she is here too. Mia's cousins are so sweet, so much fun, and we particularly enjoy Mia's Cousin Brown Hair, who is a little older than Mia. She adores Finn, and is fascinated when I change his nappy.

Finn is becoming more alert now, with much time spent gazing at the ceiling beams. He is starting to smile too, as well as all kinds of cute snuffling noises. He is very sweet. We had a couple of wakeful nights, coupled with me having a heavy cold, but think I've turned the corner now.

Having the noise and chaos of my family around me helps, and MrMia and I are thinking about the idea of moving to be with them all for a few years so Finn can enjoy them all, particularly his grandparents. We had the same ambition for Mia - should be there now...

I think you have the right idea, Mia. I play two instruments, and sing. Aillidh had an amazing singing voice. Today, I cleaned out our car. Found her ABBA album and the Xanadu album she loved. Oh, how I cried! 'The Fall' by ELO. I'd never let her listen to it, when she was alive. It was like their song 'My Blue Sky', oh hell, how I hate it and never listened to it, but the day after she died I sat in my friend's house and got drunk and listened to it over and over and sobbed away.

Sometimes it's easier if I think she was a figment of my imagination, all 9 years, and push it to the darker recesses of my mind. But I can't do it for long.