Misty breeze wraps about my shoulders, thinly clad. I shiver not, despite the coolness on my skin. Comfort, I now feel. Is it you my precious Angel?

[chipmonkey]

Starting a new thread for our angel babies
Sylvie-Rose 16/8/11 to 4/10/11 too short my love, too short.

morning shabba xxx Always good to see your name on here - I find your posts very wise and comforting.

I am feeling ok-ish. Never really fully ok but functioning, thinking of the future, not deeply depressed as I was. I appreciate the break but worry that the grief will hit again worse than before. Still just less than 6 months since he died. It feels like a fragile peace.

I hope you are all getting some ok-ish times, if not better xxx

I feel kind of weird that it is now the year before last, rather than las year, that Sean died. I also feel a strange kind of "hangover" feeling after the strain of being "happy" around kids and relations for the Christmas period

kneecaps I can relate to that slump. In a way I am worried about DS going back to school as then I don't have to keep up a front. DD is going back to study abroad soon. Her leaving in the summer was when Sean's death first hit me - hard.

I know someone on here gave some good advice about viewing Christmas/New year as just another day. We just continue to carry our beloved dead children with us from one day to the next. I hate to think I have left Sean behind in 2012.

hi everyone, feel bit weird today, but okish
quite glad christmas is over, but at the same time, feel a bit sad at the thought of taking all the decs down
don't know why

i've noticed over this christmas the sttrain of putting on happy face seems to be causing me bad headaches

i find it hard when others say stuff like i hope you have a better 2013, if anyone here or from sands, says it its fine as i know you get it
but if others say it i feel liek saying its not just a bad year to forget all about, 2012 will affect us for the rest of our lives.

i find i worry about about what else could happen to anyone else i love, as i think anything can happen to anyone at anytime

I know what you mean Whiteandyelloworchidsed to consider myself a very lucky person and think that nothing seriously bad would ever happen. Now I am the opposite and see danger in everything, worry about everything

hi- feeling very down today, burst into tears walking down the road in richmond. I just wanted to collapse and sob. I am generally fine but every so often I have these crashing lows. It wasn't anything in particular that set it off (exam worries I guess) and little things, like missing my pilates class, and being overcharged for something, but also just missing having DD with me to do things with, silly little things, but she was with me all the time and I really miss her. So I guess it's partly that too. There's a huge empty space inside me right now where she should be, and I find myself longing to see her just one more time lest she disappear forever. I really don't like this time of year either.

kneecaps/white, I see hazards everywhere too (I'm not veyr cheery today!) shortly after DD died, my grandma died, followed by my best friend, another close friend, and my grandfather, then another relative. it was like bang, bang, bang, so sudden all of it. So now nothing surprises me anymore. but equally, that means we should make the most of what time we have here, mae every day count (I don't do this at all) and - one thing I have done- is be aware of my own mortality. I don't like messy endings with things now, if I feel something needs saying or I need to apologise for something (eg when I left my job) then, I make sure I have said it or written it. I wouldn't have done that before but I'm troubled by the thought I might die, or they might die, and I wouldn't have 'fixed' it. This happened with both of my friends who died, I really had things to say and I never had the chance, both were unexpected (she was only in her 40s and he was in his 50s)

It has had the unpleasant side effect of making me quite anxious about everyday things though. I don't have OCD but I do always need to check things are switched off, etc. The other week, I was convinced I'd left the hob on full, so I travelled for 45 mins across London in a lunchbreak, all the way home, to find that it was fine, and then went all the way back again. And if anyone starts shouting on my bus or train I always think I might explode.

I also think when you are faced with the death of a child, your whole concept of death is blown to pieces - it's not old people. it's not always sick people. I think after DD died I went through a time when really, I just wanted to die myself. but then I came out of that tunnel and decided no, I very well might die at any time anyway so I'd better make the time I have left on this planet count for something and do something useful with what I have left of this borrowed precious time. thus far failing

'fragile peace' is a very good way to describe what we tread along, Saint. x

'like missing my pilates class, and being overcharged for something, but also just missing having DD with me to do things with, silly little things, but she was with me all the time and I really miss her. So I guess it's partly that too. There's a huge empty space inside me right now where she should be, and I find myself longing to see her just one more time lest she disappear forever. I really don't like this time of year either. '

You are not alone. Even though I have DD2, she's very different from DD1, who was a clingy little soul and very affectionate. My mind swims with memories of holding her hand. My son is more like her than my other daughter.

Am down right now. Monday will be 6 months since Aillidh died and I already feel her fading, in so many ways.

Wednesday is our six month mark, expat. It certainly feels like the longest six months in my life.

cafe that is too many deaths. The strongest human being would feel the effects of that. The fact that you carry on, on this different path - medicine - inspired by your experiences, shows incredible strength.

I am in the process of making a CV and looking for work with people with learning disabilities. Sean is my inspiration. I would like to do care work with passion and love but I am frightened that I won't be good enough and I am too old. I am also scared that in seeking to work in learning disabilities, I am looking for Sean and I won't find him.

Saint, I think you would be the perfect person for care work. You know what's involved and you will do it will love and expertise.
You won't find Sean exactly but you might catch little glimpses of him. Not enough but better than nothing.

Thank you chip. That made me cry - in a good way x

And here I am, giving advice on another thread on how NOT to cry!

saintvera as my bereavement counsellor said yesterday, if you acknowledge your fears and concerns, it is that very awareness which is so important and somehow makes them less likely to happen. For me, it is that people will only see me as a mother of a little boy, whereas I identify very strongly as the mother of a little girl first and foremost...

Mias, at my cousin's weddimg, a lot of cousins introduced me as "chipmonkey, you know, with all the boys". I found it so hurtful, but I know they haven't forgotten about her.

hi everyone, saint, i think you would be amazing working in a caring role
its intersting how goign through this hell effecets our paths in life, i know its not as meaningful as becoming a carer or studying medicine[way out of my abilities]
but i have thought maybe i'd like to do floristy one day.
but it would really be the funeral flowers i would have a special area of interst in

white like you I'd like to do floristry, also funeral flowers tho. That is all thanks to you giving me the pointers on how to do my own posies x

I went to my cousins baby's funeral yesterday. My heart broke for her, and it brought it all back to me. I was also so sad as they was hardly any flowers as people couldn't get anything made cos of the holidays. It was all supermarket bunches, my homemade posy was the only made thing. It was so sad to see :(

Saint, I think you'd be wonderful working in that field. It's what we lack- people with real experience. I don't want someone who just clocks in for the paycheck looking after my child, thanks, I want someone who truly gives a damn, and better than that, has real experience. You are golden. Honestly. I agree that self awareness is probably the most important thing but you do have that. I sometimes worry why am I doing what I'm doing, who am I doing it for, because it seems to not be for DS's benefit (or I'd have stayed ina well paid law firm)- but I have a drive to do it that wouldn't go away. I have worried that if I work with children similar to DD (which is what I want to do) hat will I be seeking- will I be trying to find her exact case in another child and fix her? Maybe! So that's my weirdness, but it takes bits of weirdness and madness to make progress in this world. Did you sit down and create the internet? Did you sit down and discover gravity? No some truly dedicated people did that. We need dedicated, genuine driven people in caring professions. There is all too much mediocrity out there and Sean would be very very proud. But equally, don't feel that you have to do anything different at all - maybe you could do other bits allied to it, or work for a helpline or something like that, but only if you want to and only when the time is right, it's early days.

white- a. medicine is nothing special!- honestly I maintain anyone can do it, as long as they are prepared to work hard (it;s the volume that's a killer, not the complexity) b. I think floristry is a unique talent and if you are good at it and enjoy it, you should really do it. I can honestly say that the florists near the hospital where DD was made such a difference to her funeral planning. I had to do it all on my own, it was torture but they really helped me, and they made some very beautiful flowers.

My5 my goodness sorry you had such a sad day I would find that very difficult indeed, it's sort of double grief for you. Take care xx

sorry I'm all disjointedly posting this evening, I seem to have lost the ability to read.
Mias I think of myself as mum to a little girl - but nobody sees that, they see me as single mother, toddler son (one child, boy). I don't identify with that at all, really. I still think I have a 4/5 year old little girl, I still want to buy her clothes I'm her mummy. It's weird hey

chip that would be hurtful, but I guess they were just simplifying it. Most people are stuck in this place where they consciously never mention the one thing that would be nice of them to mention, your child, rather than forgetting. But I feel people have forgotten DD, because she was a young child, and was stuck to me like glue her whole life, to them it's not a loss, and then I was thinking, you know, other people could never comprehend what we have been through. Not even my very good friend ,who I went to school with who is a doctor herself, she has no clue what I have been through. I wouldn't want to wish it on anyone but until someone has experienced such magnitude of loss, they won't get it

myfive, it must have been really hard for you goign to another childs funeral so soon
how are you doing today?

no need to thank me for giving you a few pointers about the flowers, i;m glad to be able to help in any way i can xx

i always think its a shame when i see lovely flowers doen the churchyard, that are just in bunches ofetn left in the cellophane as i think if they were just put in a simple bit of oasis
a,you could actually see the flowers, rather than just the cellophane
b, they would lasy much much longer

ive started experimenting, madea few different posies over christmas, and ive started making various things to do in withthe flowers such as putting fircones onto bamboo skewers then covering with green floristy tape, and its really adds a special touch

i can imagine in aflorist shop, alot of the florists liek doing wedding flowers, so perhaps i would have so much competion as i would be keen on doing the funeral flowers
i'd like to do different things,aswell, you know like a pair of wellies for nature lover, or a cat for a cat lover
different one off type things

cafe thanks, i honestly honestly do not think i could do anything that clever even if i worked my hardest, i actually feel bad sometimes when dd asks me how to spell things and i dont know !

My5 how sad for your cousin and family and for you. I am so sorry.

Floristry would be creative and positive and beautiful. Thanks all for your encouragement.

DH is sitting next door weeping hopelessly - he is in a really dark place and has been for a while. That was me a month ago. The terrible thing is, I don't know what to say...

Oh saint, it's just desolate when you have no words to comfort each other. I know how that feels. Most of the time DP holds it together, but the few times when he has really been outwardly upset, I've felt so lost and helpless. It makes me wonder how he keeps finding the strength to console me when I'm the one falling apart. I also second what the others said earlier - if you feel a calling to do that kind of work then you must look into it. Compassion and experience...surely those are the two most important requirements and you have both of those in bucketloads. Go for it xx

Just hold him close Saint - no words need to be even spoken. Sometimes its best to just hold him close xx

Agree with shabs. You know that there's nothing you can say that will actually make it better. Just tell him you know. and hug him.