Misty breeze wraps about my shoulders, thinly clad. I shiver not, despite the coolness on my skin. Comfort, I now feel. Is it you my precious Angel?

[chipmonkey]

Starting a new thread for our angel babies
Sylvie-Rose 16/8/11 to 4/10/11 too short my love, too short.

For a while, the only thing keeping me on this earth was my other children. I wanted so much to be with her but couldn't think of leaving them behind. But it does sadden me to think that we can never all be a family unit again, till we ALL die. Awful thought.

That's the thing though, you want to be with the one who is gone, but then you have this terrible guilt for feeling like that

After we went up to her grave on Christmas day, dh said he really just wanted to give her a hug, just for a minute.

Trouble is chip, a minute would never be enough. You'd never want to let them go.

On Christmas Day, my niece offered to call Mia for me, so I could cuddle her and Finn at the same time... must admit, finding this dichotomy of love for the child in my arms, and the child in my heart very difficult.

I know, matilda. And then there's that story in Harry Potter from The Tales of Beedle the Bard, where one of the brothers gets the resurrection stone and calls back from the dead the girl he loves. But she isn't happy as she doesn't belong on earth any more and eventually Death claims them both. If I could have her back, she wouldn't want to be here rather than Heaven, would she?

Mias, as someone who lost her last child, rather than her first, I also find the dichotomy difficult. I feel my love for the boys is tangible. I can hug them, ruffle their hair and know for sure that they are there and that they love me back. With Sylvie-Rose, I can't be sure that I'm not just imagining she's there, even though in another way, I'm sure she is. I can't touch her, I can't hold her. But for all that, the love seems more pure, as if it transcends the physical and is just is what it is. But being a weak human, I like the certainty of the love for the living children and just wish she was still amongst them. I think because Mia is your first child and F came later, that you might have expected more healing from his birth. I think I would have, if I'd been able to conceive again. But you are finding out, as I did when she died, that having another child or other children does not diminish the pain of losing the first.

gosh I'm miserable

how is everyone? mias I find it terribly hard to be able to love DC2 like I loved DD. It tears me apart, not guilt, but just being so very different in the kind of love I can manage with him. I then feel guilty about that. But I also seem to be living my life in order to be a good mum to DD, who died, when I should be being a good mum to DS. It is hard because I will always strive to be the best mum to DD - if you like, I rationalise it by saying to myself, er, at least he's alive.

I know that sounds awful, but it's terribly conflicting at times trying to carry on with being a mum to both of them

expat how are you?

kneecaps. chip, you're right, I am very grateful for DS in many ways not least because his existence has pulled me back from the brink of suicide a number of times [TMI?] I just have to keep going because of him

Hi, everyone! Still here! Just time-limited till we get back.

Inside my head, in addition to screaming, I'm planning all the ways we, our family, are going to remember and keep Aillidh alive in our lives, at Christmas and other times.

I've been keeping up my Saturday litany, even here, and will do till I die myself.

Have created all sorts of ways.

I hate how time has frozen for her, and, once again, all the children still alive from her unit went to panta - all talking about how good it was to see everyone again.

Yeah, must have been.

NOT looking forward to New Year AT ALL.

Oh, believe me, if it weren't for DD2 and DS, my life would be over.

hi expat, when are you back? so I'm still awake, someone has been trying to break into my apartment block since 11 last night. I can't believe they're still trying, so I've just called the police as I was going to go out about half an hour ago but then heard it again really loudly and had visions of some disaster occurring.

Cafe, are you OK? Did the police come?
Just after she died, I remember driving out of my estate and thinking that it didn't really matter if I drove out in front of the approaching truck. I thought I could only ever be half a mother to the boys so they wouldn't be missing much.
Thank God I didn't. Half a mother is better than none and things have slowly improved.

Remembering Constance, today Ellypoo.

Anyone feeling a post-Christmas slump? I could feel worse - I HAVE felt worse - but I just feel flat and down. DH and I are kind of flat with each other and there is an unspoken sense that we can't do anything to help each other.

I have read that 'many' parents who lose a child contemplate suicide. I certainly have visualised it. It scares me shitless that I will feel actively suicidal and I am relieved that although I don't have much appetite for life, I don't want to kill myself. I can't imagine how hideous my other children's lives would be if I took my own life. From one death, several lives would be ruined. You are right chip, 'half a mother is better than none'. So pleased things have improved.

I will always be Sean's mum, even if he is no longer here. It is who I am. I was practising for the dreaded 'how many children do you have?' and thought I might say, 'I have three children. My middle child died but he is still very much with us'.

Anyone read Sandy Fox's blog or books? I found them while googling 'death of a child' (yet again). I have read a bit of the blog and reviews of the books and found them impressive books and blog

Hi Saint, no I haven't come across her blog or books before. I will have a look at the blog. Thanks for sharing. I found this thread googling the same thing back in 2009- !

I'm definitely having a slump. DS is with my mother (yes the one who hates me, long story) so when he is not around, really I should be cracking on with the vast volume of work I have to do. I have exams really soon. But instead, I ruined today by sleeping until 5 and have since achieved nothing. I am looking around wishing I could just run away, the walls of exam pressure are closing in on me and I can't quite believe that DD has gone. So very much in a slumped state of mind. I haven't got dressed in 2 days it's ridiculous. I need to start doing my work, and remember why I'm doing it, then I will start to feel better. I am dreading new year now, as I have no plans which is a bit sad I could be partying etc but I really don't want to. I just want to do my work and probably cry a bit that it's another year further from DD, she's just a misty haze of subreality now it's scaring me that I could on some levels forget her entirely. And everyone else already has, she was young not 'real' to them anyway. I spent many years abroad when I was younger and I really am itching to get away again. I don't know why I'm here really or what I'm trying to achieve.

Saint I still can't manage the how many children do you have question. I now just say 'I have a little boy' and hope they leave it at that. But it hurts so much inside to do that, and they often don't leave it at that so I have the secondary line I crack out which is 'I had a daughter but she died a few years ago'. Sometimes though I am asked 'have you got kids' to which I nearly always say 'yes I've had 2', and then every time I am asked 'how old are they' which is where I stumble and say 'my youngest is nearly 3' and leave it at that. Often they don't notice I haven't said the other age, but then I get 'boys or girls?'

arrrgh. I know people don't mean to do it, but I end up feeling guilt for making them unhappy when I eventually tell them. It;s as if I think, well, I shouldn't tell them, they don't need to know, I'm being selfish in my need to tell them. But I still have to say it, if I am pushed, because I couldn't live with myself knowing I had denied her existence, she is and always will be very much my pfb, really, and I will always be her mother

chip, police did come but the man had left as the police took 2 hours to get here so I'm a bit jumpy that it could happen again. I'm sure it was just some drunk, probably innocent enough but not what I needed really, was rather unsettling

her blog is very good, thanks Saint. I will bookmark it. I recently met a newly bereaved parent (at the memorial service) and I have found it very hard to know how I can help her. She almost looks to me as if I hold answers (I have given her my details and we've texted) she wanted to meet, and I would dearly love to help her but I don't feel I have enough inside me to be able to. Maybe compiling some blongs/resources would help her a bit

hi guys, cafe, i'm glad to hear from you, i was getting quite worried about the person tryign to break in

do you think a break from all the exms and pressure would help? do you get any breaks at all, say int he summer?

i shall also look at that blog.

i'm still feeling the same, tiny bit calmer christmas is over, bit worried about the new year, glad to get out of 2012, yet dont want to feel further away from ds
its a relief to not here sentimental christmas songs all the time now

when asked how many children i always say two, as i feel ds is still my son even though hes dead
plus i feel worse if i don't mention him, feel bad for days, rather than bad for moments when i do
but not been asked that question in a while

also i think when you only have one living child, people will always follow up, if ypu say you have one, with when are you haveing another, or thats a bit selfish type comments anyway
so i find it easier to just say

had such a weird dream last night, that my sil was pg, almost full term and her baby died, and she had to go into hospital to give birth to the baby

she wanted me there[she normall doesnt bother with me much tbh]
and i didnt know what to do or say to her

also sister in law is definatley finished with having children.

expat, thats what ive been thinking about too, "ways we, our family, are going to remember and keep Aillidh alive in our lives, at Christmas and other times."

yes i've been thinking about that about ds, i'd love to hear your ideas

How horrible to have bad dreams white. I think it's something though where whatever is said from a bereaved parent would be more useful than something someone said who hadn't been through it, but you still wouldn't know what to say.

I've been worrying a bit about what to say to DS, if anything. He is much more self aware now and chattering all the time, his friends have brothers/sisters, he is learning about himself. I don't know when to tell him about DD, my family don't think I should ever tell him but I think it should be openly 'there' from the start, obviously he was born after she died but it's still the loss of a sibling for him. I'm sure he won't feel any sense of loss, but I know I felt a huge sense of loss about the death of my father, and that was before I was born. I know it's very different but I don't really know how to do it.

cafe I would have thought it is very important to tell your DS about his sister. You could show him pictures now and explain as he asks. My DD's dad died when she was a year old and she doesn't remember him of course, but I always told her about him. I wish I had made more of a point of marking his birthday - he has slipped away and it is a real sadness to me. I had DS when DD was 4 and his disabilities just took over my life.

Sounds like you needed a couple of duvet days cafe. Tomorrow is another day..

I did jack shit today too and I meant to tidy the garden in preparation for DS's little tree in a pot. But I did nothing. I don't think the endless rain and the post Xmas slump helps.

white I think I will do what you do and say I have three children. If the conversation goes further, then maybe I will say DS died. Like you cafe, i don't want to deny DS's existence, but I hate the discomfort of others that follows the revelation that my son is dead. You have to judge carefully who you share it with don't you. Some people make you feel worse for it and I feel shit enough.