Misty breeze wraps about my shoulders, thinly clad. I shiver not, despite the coolness on my skin. Comfort, I now feel. Is it you my precious Angel?

[chipmonkey]

Starting a new thread for our angel babies
Sylvie-Rose 16/8/11 to 4/10/11 too short my love, too short.

That is lovely, shabs xx

Thank you xx

'only a whisper away' I have tears in my eyes reading that, it's beautiful

I nearly had DD cremated and wanted to take her ashes to Mexico (?) but in the end she's buried. Which at the time was what I could handle better, but it means she's forever in the same place and I am not there anymore so it's hard not to think of her as being on her own.. (sound mental)

mumof2 I think what you did with James sounds absolutely perfect, whenever you go to the sea you are with him

cafe, I'm sure you could find someone to create the stone you want. We're in the US now, so I'll be on here late at night :o. Then I'll come back and be screwed up timewise.

I saved the inscription for Aillidh's headstone on MS Word. 'Here lies all that was mortal' I saw on the tomb of a young woman who died with her first and only child in childbirth on Christmas Eve around the time of the American Revolution. I saw her grave in Pennsylvania on a visit once and it really struck me, as many of the graves there have a huge story on them, and this young woman had been the only child of her parents to survive to adulthood. Her parents' grief was all over that stone. 'How quickly our comfort flies!'

cafecito

I had never thought of it like that, thank you. You have made me feel much better about it now.

chipmonkey

I do know that letting him be free was the right thing to do but every now and again I feel envious of all of you having a 'real' place to go iyswim. I know that him being wherever he has gone is the right thing for him, I feel better that he is travelling the world and 'seeing' different places.

Its all so hard isn't it? Just when you start to feel as though you are coping, something small comes along and knocks you sideways again. Then its time to pick yourself up and try again.

Hi. I hope you ladies don't mind me joining in. I lost my little boy Seán in June 2011 and really need to connect to people who understand. Christmas is so hard

hi everyone, and welcome kneecaps, im so sorry to hear about your son sean, yeah chritsmas is really hard.

ive been terribel today, started crying when i got to my mum and dads as an anunt and uncle were there, being all cheery with me, i felt on the edge tbh ont he way there, tears in my eyes, there wasnt a trigger as such, just feeling super low and like an outsider in general, well not an outsider as such more a freak that doesnt really fit in anymore

then when i arrived at mum and dads i thpught oh no, my aunt beiing all over the top cheerful, and then i started crying, they left then i cried to mum and dad, i must cause them alot of worry

i'm not really ready ttc tbh, but i feel i have to timewise as im 35 and a half now, so its sort of now or never, i did get preganant quickly after losing ds, found out i was pg, 4 months after ds died, then i had a mc

so i'm pretty convinced any subseqent baby wont make it, so i don't know what i'm doing to be honest.
just desperatley tryign to find a way.
if i was 10 years younger i think id wait a bit longer

Hi Kneecaps. I'm glad you found us but as we say here, so, so sorry that you find yourself here amongst us.
Remembering Sean xx

white 35 is still young to ttc in my book. I had my ds4 when I was 38 and Sylvie-Rose at 42. ( Not that that went so well)

hi chip, yeah i don't think 35 is that old really its more they way the drs go on at hospital etc.

such a lovely name sylvie rose,i think she would have loved that, as i think children grow into their names.

today was so cringy i just hate seeing people

White, she might have hated it. She might have said, "Why did you give me such a poncey name? I'm changing it to Hepzibah" but at least she would have been around to object!

yes thats true, how i'd love for ds to be slamming doors and throwimg a strop, because at least he would still be here.

Hi kneecaps so sorry to hear about your little boy Seán, You will find lots of understanding here.
chip I had D when I was 42 and I regularly find myself wanting to reassure people who are wondering if they are too old to have kids but I have to stop myself because, as you say, the story doesn't exactly have a happy ending.

So white in my eyes at least, you are a spring chicken!! Give yourself time if you don't feel ready yet. I hadn't even met DP when I was 35 and I feel like I'm forever trying to catch up with where I should be in my life. In terms of ticking off life milestones I'm still probably only about 25 (if only I still looked it)

cafe I'm worrying about your lack of sleep even though I don't know you. Really hope you get some decent rest soon xx

kneecaps, I'm so sorry for your loss. We're a supportive bunch here. :)

cafe, you sleeping?

Will you be on nights in your next rotation?

Bought all this stuff for DD2 today. Strange to shop for only one girl.

white, 35 is young to ttc. Don't feel pressurised!

Remembering your Sean, kneecaps. My Sean died in July 2012 aged 16 xx

So, are we all ready for the apocalypse?

Oh, I'm definitely ready for the apocolapyse. Two tears in a bucket, mother fuck it.

all these christmas songs are driving me slightly mad, feed the world lyric getting to me

At christmas time, it's hard but when your having fun
There's a world outside your window
And it's a world of dread and fear
Where the only water flowing is a bitter sting of tears
And the christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom

i think the world outside my window????
more like the world im in full of dreed and fear, i dont need to look outside my window to see dread fear and doom

kneecaps so sorry for the loss of Seán. Tell us mor eabout him if you feel you'd like to. Christmas is very hard after the death of a child

white I sometimes get that with song lyrics, even random songs that are written about completely different things, the interpretation of the lyrics has me welling up inside

expat how is the US? Is it snowy and properly Christmassy? I spent Christmas in MN a few years ago, was excellent. I also spent Christmas in New York but that's more than 10 years ago

speaking of feeling old - white 35 is very young, honestly, don't feel pressured

gosh I'm grumpy today

just had an email from the counsellor saying I missed my session today...but when I last saw her she said she'd see me in january ah well, so not in the mood!

matilda thanks for your post. erm, no not sleeping properly but I did sleep a bit more last night than I have been, but it meant I overslept horribly and it messed up my entire day today. I just cannot get to sleep before about 4, sometimes 5 or 6 in the morning (this is very bad!)

expat I sometimes do nights in A&E- unpaid, etc, as part of my extra training I do 12 hours. In a way I wish I could do them all the time

white - video and not about anything remotely similar, but this song makes me think of DD c

argh total link fail meant to be 'rubbish video' - ergh. It varies though sometimes there are songs on the radio and I think ouch, and the other day I was in the gym and they were playing some godawful x factor finalist song from a few years ago, with the music video of sick children in hospital, not good

dear me, I have been away from MN for a while - try again:

Cafe, that is such a sad, beautiful song xxx

is Sylvie-Rose's song. I can't watch or listen without crying. People who have been on the thread for a while are probably bored of me linking to it

oh chip that's an amazing song I've never heard it before, such beautiful chord changes and the main lyrics too- gosh, thank you for linking to it.

I was here the other night walking home as I only live 5 mins away- it was dark and cold and there's a christmas market and things which I walked through grumpily and out the other side a man was there next to the water playing guitar and singing eric clapton's tears in heaven. I sat down on a wall and sat there crying

I can't wait to get to my sister's, where I can jettison my kids and pretend it is not Christmas at all.

Buying stuff for DD2, all I can think of how much Aillidh would have loved this or that, but no, she wouldn't, because she's cold and dead and GONE and forever 9-years-old.

Lady Gaga's Brown Eyes always gets to me. ' . . . guess it's just a silly song about you. And how I lost you. And your brown eyes.'

It's quite warm here. And so it's even easier to pretend it isn't Christmas or that we have to go back and combat our shambles of a life.

It's easier, too, because no one knows us when we walk around. No one knows, our child had cancer and died.

I just haven't had space to cry and won't until we get to my sister's.