Misty breeze wraps about my shoulders, thinly clad. I shiver not, despite the coolness on my skin. Comfort, I now feel. Is it you my precious Angel?

[chipmonkey]

Starting a new thread for our angel babies
Sylvie-Rose 16/8/11 to 4/10/11 too short my love, too short.

Don't Have A Clue, myfive!

hello all, especially cafecito and rosduk. So sorry to hear that DHACs seem to be as prevalent as ever...

Just a line to thank you all for your lovely wishes over the past few days, they are very special and generous-hearted of you all. Finn and I are at home again, and MrMia and I are learning about him. But while wonderful, it's also so hard - we spent last night being awake in turn, as he is still clearing mucus from his body, and can't properly cough it up, which is very scary. Part of the legacy of loss.

Ah that's a dhac!! I was confused! Thank you for your kind messages. It wasn't so much the 'I'm going to ambush you with religion' more the commentary on how strange I was to be crying, it really was something else. I had to tell HIM that we all grieve differently, that I am fine day to day because I work all the time and have to be fine and that it just overwhelmed me on the spot. I had to justify myself it made a lovely ceremony somewhat irksome really. Ho hum.
I am not on MN really anymore but if it's ok with you can I drop in now and then? sorry for all your losses

AND to make matters worse, it was the first time I saw the remember book, and they had her name wrong, her DOB wrong, and they lost the photo I sent in. It made me a little sad. But I know that's SO petty because really, it's great they do it at all.. I then just left and went back to denying any of it ever happened

Hope Finn gets better soon :) I was terrified when DC2 was ill

hi everyone, i'm all wound up and stressed out today full of a cold with no sleep last night and getting really stressed hearing about poor kate middleton non stop.
just posted this in chat.

when i had hyperemesis and had 4 pluses for ketones in my urine, should i really have been rehydrated in hospital rather than just given cyclizine and sent home

when i had ds, started off as a twin pg, lost one tein in the first trimester, didnt actually bleed the baby just died in the womb, then my son the remaining twin, died shortly after he was born due to his heart not developing properly, and it was not fixable.

the pm results showed no signs of chromosone abnormailities and no other problems on my son.
no tests where done on his twin, but they did find his twin in the placenta

anyway, my question is this, when i had dd i had hyperemesis, and when i was pg with the twins it was much worse,yes i understand its double the hgc, even waking int he night vomiting in bed, started at 6 weeks, went to the dr and had 4 pluses of keatones, that dr said you have two choices to either go into hospital or take the medication

i said id rather go into hospital

then the dr talked me round saying well you dont want to do that because being in hospital is a risk in itself and you could get an infection etc etc
i think you would be better off at home with dioralote and medication

so i let the dr change my mind, which i still feel sad and bad about
of course it took alot longer for me to improve at home tahn it would have done if i was put on a drip a rehydrated quick

and i can't help thinking of i wasn't so ill for so long this maybe wouldnt have happend, i wouldnt have lost my son.
it could not have been good for him

anyway what i really want to know is did this gp act really poorly under the circumstances ? should i have been sent to the hospital?

just hearing all this about kate, and she has my sympathy, its stressing me out, as its like being ina train crash, then hearing abour train crashes on the news every 15 mins, i normally have the radio on when i'm doing chores etc, but i can't as its really stressing me out hearing about it all the time

its basically i thinking about making a complaint about this gp, and i don't know if thats fair or not.
and i don't know if she acted irresponsabily

sorry i'm all in a whirl today, think i'm goign to go to the gym and go mad, and see if that camls me somehow

sorry fothe mad rant

fuck my life is so fucking stressful now

mias mummy i hope finn is improving how is he today?

white >

Sylvie-Rose was a twin too, originally. I lost her twin at 7 weeks.
I was so very sick on that pregnancy. I had always been sick when pregnant but never, ever as bad as this. And I have often wondered if it made her so tiny, so delicate that she slipped away.

But white, it's actually not that. At the end of the day, at her PM, we were told that her death was........Bad Luck. Something that could have gone one way or the other and it went the way we so didn't want.
And it was the same with babyorchid. Nothing anyone did or didn't do caused him to die.

And he lived a life of love, he never knew anything but love. Heartbreaking for you but what a lovely life for him xx

thanksfor the hug chip, i needed that, iwas freaking out big time yesterday, but i actually feel reasonably ok today
its a nightmare not knowing how i'm going ot be from one day to the next

dh said the same to me yesterday

sorry for flipping out like that

thansk for the kind words chip xxx
i'm sorry you lost sylvie roses' twin too

Went for my daily visit to Dexters grave and his headstone is up. So happy but very sad at the same time. I cried for ages and had to get Dh home to see it. So very pleased with it, and glad its up for Christmas. Will try and put a picture on my profile later, when I'm on the computer xx

Hello all, glad to hear you are feeling a bit calmer today white. I too feel very up and down, though mostly down it has to be said!

Hello rosduk I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved Thomas. These early days are so very hard.

I've been having a bit of a rubbish time of it recently. I don't want to descend into self-pity but I can't help feeling that I'm owed just a morsel of good luck after all that's happened but it doesn't work like that does it? It just seems like everything that can go wrong does, like my luck literally ran out when D died and that it's all downhill from now.

I don't feel like I'm living, I feel like I'm 'enduring'. I hate it when friends or family ring up and ask cheerily "What have you been up to today" or "have you started your xmas shopping yet?" and I just feel like saying, "What do you THINK I'm up to?" I'm dragging myself out of bed and through the day because I have a DD and because I have to but in no other way am I living an ordinary life that I can just chat about on the phone. So now I hardly ever pick the phone up when it rings because I can't bear to do small talk and the alternative, being honest about how shit I feel and sobbing incoherently down the phone, is not that appealing either. I feel so tired and so alienated from my friends that I genuinely wonder how I will find the strength do keep doing this for years to come. Sorry if this brings anyone else down. I still feel sometimes like this is all a bad dream.

matilda you are not alone in those thoughts, I promise. Enduring is the exact feeling. Luck and good fortune seems so far away from our lives. Even with the safe arrival of Finn, I can never feel I am 'lucky' because Mia is not here. But that raw pain does somehow, impossibly, subside. Yet the bewilderment in the change in our lives is always there...

Myfive, we are still talking about Sylvie-Rose's headstone rather than actually having any proper plans as to when it should go up so you are doing much, much better than me.
The guys are doing their best to source the white, white granite that I want.
They say the design is fine, that people design their own but we just need to get the granite right. We could use marble but it stains more easily and needs frequent touching up.

They call fioled my "cousin in Wales" because I didn't properly explain how I knew her and I have just let it slide!

But they seem like nice guys and I have confidence in them.

Mias, I hope you are getting lots of lovely, lovely baby cuddles from your gorgeous boy! He really is a beautiful baby.

matilda, I am sorry you are so low. I too have been feeling absolutely desperate and finding it harder to see people.

My main goal for the past six months has been to get out of bed each morning. For the first time, this week I have found that really really difficult. Last night, I was almost screaming with grief and voiced concerns to my DH that I won't be able to keep living like this. We were due to go out to a party with mostly strangers and I said I coudln't do it. I took 5mgs valium and knocked back a scotch, and within 15 mins, I got myself up and trotted down the road and spent the night talking bollocks to strangers. I felt much better for it.

I cannot understand these rapid mood cycles. One minute my life has ended, the next, I am functioning ok. It all feels so precarious and so dangerous.

rosduk, calfecito and white, my heart goes out to you too and too all of us struggling so badly at this time xxx

Watching 'Back to the future' - my Matts favourite film. Not sure that he ever knew exactly was going on but he used to kneel in front of the TV and watch it from beginning to end. I wish he was here now - no matter what his age - watching it and grinning from ear to ear.

Well done saintvera on getting yourself to that party, even if it did take a bit of Dutch courage! You are braver than I am. I completely bottled out of going to a Christmas get-together of the local mums last night. I just didn't feel up to it but then not going just adds to this growing sense of isolation.

I'm not going to give myself a hard time about it though. If I don't feel up to socialising, I don't, and that's just how it is for now. Oddly I was able to go to sociable things like my book group and the Jubilee street party etc straight after D died but now I can't manage anything like that at all. I think I must have still been in shock at that point.

Precarious it is though. I just keep thinking that it's unsustainable feeling like this, that something must surely snap, or I'm going to get sick or lose my marbles. I just can't believe you can go on feeling this bad for so long and it not take some kind of toll on your health, mental or otherwise. My anxiety levels are through the roof at the moment.

Mias I can only try to imagine what a turbulent mix of feelings the arrival of little Finn must have unleashed. Such joy mixed with such unbearable sadness. Hope you are finding your way through these early days.

I shall try to post something positive next time I come on here. My counsellor told me I should try to write down three positive things that have happened each day before I go to sleep. Even if it's tiny things like having a nice cup of coffee. To be honest I often struggle to find more than one. Must try harder!!

Love to all xx

Shabs, I wish he was with you watching that film too x

hi everyone, well i gibbed out of going ot a kids party again today, just couldnt handle two hours small talk, last time it made me feel really really bad
so i just didnt take dd, feel a bit guilty but just couldnt do it

i totally get what you are saying matilda about, I can't bear to do small talk and the alternative, being honest about how shit I feel and sobbing incoherently down the phone, is not that appealing either
yy that is exactly how i am too
plus as well i m paraniod about people that want to know all the details and want to use me as gossip fodder, so i can get arsey/defensive if i feel people are being too nosey

peopel don't want to always hear how you actually are, plus i dont feel like saying all the time. so the only over alternative is avoiding the contact, but that makes you more isolated

mind you, you know that saying, you can be lonely in a crowd, so so true in this case, as even when your surrounded by people you feel isolated as they simply do not get you anymore
well thats how i feel about it

i just don't want to put myself through this social battering anymore
i do not want to do it

ive actually been fairly calm today, alot calmer than my freak out on thu.
and i can't stand not knowing how i will be from one day to the next

wish i could know, well next thu i will have an ok day, then i could do something i need or want to do on that day.

the bad days always come at the worse times

keep thinking is this my life now?
really really hope things get a bit easier with time

saint v
I cannot understand these rapid mood cycles. One minute my life has ended, the next, I am functioning ok. It all feels so precarious and so dangerous
oh yes i'm right here with you on that one, that is also just how i feel

shabbs yeah i wish he was there scoffing all the popcorn

fiveboys let us know when the photos are up xx

mias mummy hope everything is going well with finn xx i never realised before how i could feel so many emotions at once, and i know its amazing having finn, i guess its alot of complex emotions let alone all the hormonal side of things
hope your all ok
bet finn smells lovely doesn't he

hope your doing ok too chip?

matilda, also yy to "I hate it when friends or family ring up and ask cheerily "What have you been up to today"

i really really REALLY hatethis too, esp when just after ds died my inlaws went away on holiday abroad, didnt suggest postponing or anything
then when we were arranging funeral trying to deal with registering ds birth and death and all the formailites and hell just trying to survive by the hour, mil would send a cheery message saying how are you all, did you have a nice weekend, what are you upto?
i would reply
sorting ds funeral flowers
end of message.

fucking idiots ffs

and as times gone by, and sometimes we do have ok days, i don't feel liek telling them as i feel
if you dont want to share our pain, you don't get to share our joys in life, well jpys is a bit strong but hopefully you catch my drift

I find thistime of year hard because I'm expected to be happy and on duty for others and I just want to say, wtf why would I be ooking forward to christmas, it's when DD forst got ill, and my life is empty without her :( even with DS it's never going to be 'right' though I do my best because of him. I stopped doing christmas after she died, no presents for anyone, no cards. I sent some cards last year, and I might this year (!) but seriously people have no clue.

Well done for going SaintVera. Ive been pretty down recently and avoiding everything I'd usually have fun doing, but if I ever do go somewhere I feel all the better for it.

whiteand yellow- your inlaws sound ridiculous. My DD's grandparents (paternal) NEVER met her, even though htye live in London and knew she was dying in hospital. Now they invite me for dinner and interfere with DS (not helpfully, ever, just judgementally) and I sometimes think, no, you NEVER EVER MET DD I cannot believe inlaws can be such 'dhac's! MIL (we weren't married and P is now ex) she said last time I was there, when I said I was asked to write an article about DD - 'oh you should get over it, move on'.

*eh

apols typos am on phone

white, your in-laws sound crazily insensitive. That is gobsmacking. Also, you should be able to come on here and express yourself, however low you are. cafecito, how hard to have to be around those grandparents. We all desperately need and deserve good, kind, listening folk around us.

I went to DS's school fete and cried over someone. Then I went out again tonight and cried over another poor woman. She was very nice, but I do wonder if I spoilt her evening! She did give me the low-down on the anti-depressants she is taking which was handy. I am thinking I might need to take some. Have any of you gone down the anti-depressant route for grief? I am scared they won't work and then I have no way out of the agony.

shabba I so wish your boy was right next to you watching that film xx

I pray - in a non-religious way - for some peace for all of us and an easing of our pain. And a good night's sleep xx

saintvera - you're up late :) (says she.. the insomniac..) antidepressants. No I wouldn't recommend them, myself. IF you're at ROCK bottom (and when aren't we after losing a child) and if you reaaally cannot cope without something extra then I guess so. Many people here will hava taken them. I took antidepressants for years (tricyclics) when I was much younger (before any of the DD stuff). But the dose kept going up and up and up and I was never confronting what was underneath it all. This is how the drug mechanism works, it's all about receptor proliferation etc so you need more and more of the same thing to get the same effect. I find them quite scary. SSRIs have been suggested and I've known many people on them. I just honestly believe GPs wil jump at prescribing but you should hold off if you can. I think your path through your loss may be harder but at least it won't be delayed in the way it could be if you have ADs.

just my opinion.

crying is good for you. really it is important to have space to cry sometimes. the problems come when you have no space for it and it builds and builds and builds under the surface (I went back to work in the city and ended up having a nervous breakdown in my boss's office sobbing for days- NOT GOOD) so keep talking, keep talking whenever you feel you can.

I am gobsmacked at the insensitivity of so many of the IL's on here. It's their grandchild! How can they be so dismissive?

I have not tried anti-depressants. I do tend to be the sort of person who doesn't take a paracetemol for a headache though and even after I had Sylvie-Rose and had a hysterectomy I was sent home with painkillers and never took them. Not that I wasn't in pain but I sort of forgot they were there and just put up with it.

I have often wondered if AD's would be a help, especially on the bad days but never actually sought them or tried them.