'What the caterpillar perceives is the end, to the butterfly is just the beginning.' Our journey after Beatrice

[cupofteaplease]

Beatrice died on 24th October aged 1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day. She was buried on 2nd November. As she starts her new life as a butterfly, we are left on the ground feeling bewildered and bereft. I read a short piece at her funeral, and I stand by it:

'I often felt that being Beatrice's mum was much like holding a butterfly. I was in awe of her beauty and felt so privileged that she had chosen to come to me. But, much like a butterfly, I knew that one day she would spread her wings and fly away.

When Beatrice was one day old, a kind stranger shared this poem with me, and it sums up how I feel about Beatrice:

"A butterfly lights besides us like a sunbeam. And for a brief moment its glory and beauty belongs to the world.
But then it flies once again, and though we wish it could have stayed, we feel so lucky to have seen it."

I feel so lucky to have been chosen as Beatrice's mum and I truly believe that the immense grief we must now suffer is still a small price to play for the love she brought into our lives.

Goodnight Beatrice'

I still feel her love in my heart, but I am struggling without her in my arms. I miss caring for her and kissing her. Looking at her and stroking her hair. Singing to her, always singing so many songs. I haven't sung a song since she died, but I don't want the music to leave my life as it means I have let the grief win.

Fly high little butterfly, but please don't forget all of us left behind who hold you, still so fragile, in our hearts and memories. Please don't forget me, Beatrice x

[thewhistler]

Well done, brilliant.

Love the image of angel tag. With butterflies flying around.

I hope you get some rest during the weekend.

[PacificDogwood]

Glad to hear you had a better day.

[ExitPursuedByABrrrrrrr]

Lovely to hear you sounding brighter Cup.

Hope you have a peaceful weekend.

[IwishIwasmoreorganised]

Glad to hear that today was easier.

Your ds's are obviously taking after you in their lovely ways.

Hope the hits the spot tonight.

[KateUnrulyBush]

That's lovely to hear, Cup. :)

[fluffypillow]

I'm pleased today went a little better than yesterday for you . I hope your girls enjoyed their baking. Lovely image of little Bea playing angel tag .

I hope you get some rest over the weekend. Thinking of you x

[CaroleService]

Chasing the butterflies ...

[trumpton]

Angel tag with butterflies and Beatrice . A lovely image to help you through the dark nights . Bless you Cup and your family , you are constantly in my thoughts x

[Northernlurker]

You're doing so well Cup. Glad work went better. Your dds spound so sweet and you're doing a great job helping them through their grief for Bea.

[cupofteaplease]

I've held off from posting this in case you think I'm crackers, but here goes:

1. After Beatrice died, dh left the hospital to collect the girls and as he got into the car, he noticed a little plastic bumble bee on the floor by the driver's door which he picked up and gave to me.
   
   
2. Just before Beatrice took her last breath, dh kissed her head and she squeezed my finger. That night in the hospice, dh woke up to feel something squeezing his little finger.
   
   
3. A few months ago, I stayed at a friend's house after a work night out. That night I took an eyeliner out with me, It was from the States, you can't buy it in the UK or even online. The next morning when I emptied my bag from the night before, the eyeliner had gone. I was really cross because as I said, I couldn't get another one like it. My friend and I turned the room upside down trying to find it, but it wasn't there so I assumed I must have dropped it on the night out. My friend has had other people to stay in the room since so has changed the bedding and pulled all the furniture out to hoover and dust etc. The day after Beatrice died, she walked into the room, and there was the eyeliner, sat on the floor in the middle of the room.
   
   
4. On Wednesday, as I was unpacking the last of my things into my bedroom drawers, I found a beautiful hairbclip with a big blue and purple sparkly butterfly on it. It's quite striking, I would have known if it was the girls' one, but I'd never seen it before. I wore it to work the next day on my first day back.
   
   So, what do you make of all that? Coincidences? The finger-squeezing could have been dh's imagination, but he swore he felt it, plus he never wakes up in the middle of the night! The bumble bee on the floor by the car- could have been dropped there by someone, but how strange that it was right there, right then. How can the eyeliner be explained? What about the butterfly hair clip?

[JustFabulous]

It was Bea .

[Northernlurker]

There are more things in this world than we can see or explain. We only know how it makes us feel. I don't think you're crazy at all.

[thewhistler]

Cup,

My lovely brother in law collapsed and died v suddenly. At once there were butterflies not on him but on the rock next to him.

He loved babies and small children and would have loved to have had a little girl as well as his boys.

So perhaps they are there together.

[ChippingInLovesAutumn]

There are somethings you can't explain - you just have to enjoy. Ask Rinders about the lights ! I'm not at all religious, but I believe there is life after this one & Bea is in very good company - lots of love, cuddles & mischief - watching down on you all, doing the odd thing to make her presence known :)

[MrsHende]

I love these little things, it's Bea and her angel friends.

[thixotropic]

Long time lurker just checking in to say I think you are the most amazing person, Cup.

I have been in tears at every one of your threads. (sorry)

Bea was so lucky to have you as her mummy.

I am quite sure she is running around playing Angel tag in a meadow full of butterflies. And sending the odd mischievous hairclip your way to remind you that she won't ever forget you....

[DutchOma]

These are all good things that are happening to you. We none of us can explain all or any of the 'whys' and 'wherefores'
Whether co-incidence or God-incidence I am sure they are sent to comfort you and I'm particularly glad that some of these comforts have also happened to your dh.
May the peace of God be with you all.

[elliejjtiny]

I don't think you're crazy. After my miscarriage my FIL said something very insensitive about how he didn't believe that miscarried babies went to heaven. I was worrying about it and a couple of months later I saw a little girl in my bathroom and she said something that DH's Gran used to say to me a lot before she died. Then she did this little smile just like DS2 does. If I tell people they say I dreamt it but I couldn't have dreamt DS2's smile 2.5 years before he was born.

[fluffypillow]

They are such lovely things to have happened, I hope you can take some comfort in it.

If you had told me this a few years ago, I probably would have said it was coinsidence, but after the things that happened after I lost loved ones, I totally believe it is much more.

My Gran was in hospital a few years ago, very poorly, and the nurse told us she would not make it. I went to the window in the ward to collect my thoughts, looked up, and a butterfly was trying to get out. I caught it and released it outside. A few minutes later, my Gran died. I didn't think anything of it until the day of her funeral. We were back at the house, and my Son came into the room with butterfly on his shirt ( a real one!) I took him to the door, and pushed it off of him, but as we walked back in, it stuck to him again! Fast forward a couple of weeks, and Mum and I went to bury Grans ashes . As the prayers we being said, two butterflies flew around us. I like to think this was because we buried the ashes with my Grandads.

I lost my Dad also last year, and when we buried his ashes, we looked down, and the ground was covered in ladybirds! In a funny sort of way it was quite distracting, and it's strange because my Dad always tried to distract me from anything sad, or serious by being funny, I think that the ladybirds were sent from him. Ladybirds often seem to turn up at significant moments now, especially around my children, which I love and find very comforting.

Sorry to be so long winded, but I just wanted you to know that I have experienced similar things, and totally believe this was Bea sending you comfort.

Thinking of you x

[Thumbwitch]

Bea-utiful messages, I would say Cup. As someone has already said, there are more things in heaven and earth than we can explain - and I would take comfort from them all. Thank you for posting about them. xx

[trumpton]

Dark here still this morning . I am sure that the "findings" are there to provide peace and even help you raise a tentative smile at the tricks the angels play . Beatrice must be chuckling away to her angel friends as you scratch your heads !

[ExitPursuedByABrrrrrrr]

As the great Bard said

"There are more things in heaven and earth ... than are dreamt of in your philosophy".

Take comfort in those signs.