'What the caterpillar perceives is the end, to the butterfly is just the beginning.' Our journey after Beatrice

[cupofteaplease]

Beatrice died on 24th October aged 1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day. She was buried on 2nd November. As she starts her new life as a butterfly, we are left on the ground feeling bewildered and bereft. I read a short piece at her funeral, and I stand by it:

'I often felt that being Beatrice's mum was much like holding a butterfly. I was in awe of her beauty and felt so privileged that she had chosen to come to me. But, much like a butterfly, I knew that one day she would spread her wings and fly away.

When Beatrice was one day old, a kind stranger shared this poem with me, and it sums up how I feel about Beatrice:

"A butterfly lights besides us like a sunbeam. And for a brief moment its glory and beauty belongs to the world.
But then it flies once again, and though we wish it could have stayed, we feel so lucky to have seen it."

I feel so lucky to have been chosen as Beatrice's mum and I truly believe that the immense grief we must now suffer is still a small price to play for the love she brought into our lives.

Goodnight Beatrice'

I still feel her love in my heart, but I am struggling without her in my arms. I miss caring for her and kissing her. Looking at her and stroking her hair. Singing to her, always singing so many songs. I haven't sung a song since she died, but I don't want the music to leave my life as it means I have let the grief win.

Fly high little butterfly, but please don't forget all of us left behind who hold you, still so fragile, in our hearts and memories. Please don't forget me, Beatrice x

[Cynner]

Cups, I promise Beatrice will never forget you. You will be her mummy forever and ever. Your heart must be so bruised. I am sending the brightest blessings for you, and all of those who knew and loved your baby. Xx

[trumpton]

Nighttime thoughts of you . I went to a small concert last night and a friend sang about his baby daughter and the joy she bought into his life " You took my blues and put them in the sky " Fly free Beatrice in the sunny blue sky . My heart aches for you all.

[ripsishere]

What dignity and grace you have.

[MABS]

my love and prayers to you all x

[eastendfareast]

Such beautiful thoughts cup. I've never posted on your threads before, but your love for Beatrice and your other children inspires me and shines through your words. My thoughts are with you and your family x

[AuldAlliance]

Your words are beautiful, cup.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

Thinking of you cup xx

[Tinkerisdead]

I never dare post on threads such as these as i'm never sure of the right words. But i read this at 4am this morning and cried.

I've had to come back to say what beautiful words and sentiment. I've followed beatrice's journey and I am in awe of your strength, grace and eloquence at what must be the worst time of your life Cupoftea.

I'm so so sorry is all that feels right to say. Xx

[Thumbwitch]

As always, Cup, your posts move me to tears, what beautiful and touching words. Fly little Beatrice - but your family will always feel the touch of your butterfly wings in their hearts. xxx

[StrawberriesTasteLikeLipsDo]

Cup your words fill me with such sadness but the love you clearly feel for beatrice fill me with hope. I hope her love stays with you always x

[converseconvert]

Just so beautiful. Your in my thoughts x

[Jux]

Beauty is transient. We cannot hold it long; only love it while it is there and remember its glory once it's gone. Our life is enriched by its fleeting presence.

I can't remember who said that, but they must have had a Beatrice too.

we are thinking of you, Cupoftea. Sing loud and long.

[JustFabulous]

Cup, I am always so moved by your posts about Beatrice but feel daft posting as I am sure I always post stupid things. I am in awe of you all. Your photos are beautiful and show such a strong family. I have asked my Nana to look out for a beautiful butterfly and to give her a cuddle.

[youarewinning]

Beautiful post cup. I am sure Beatrice is pleased and proud she chose you as her mum and her dad and sisters as much as you are proud she chose you. x

[youarewinning]

cup I have just watched the you tube memories muvee of Beatrice. It is beautiful and a perfect tribute to your beautiful daughter. It really did capture her journey and the changes in her as she grew older.
I just adored the picture of her in her leggings and ugg boot things.

[ithastobeNAICEham]

Cup, I've only partially followed your journey with the beautiful Beatrice, all I can say is I am so sorry for your loss.

You always write with such poise and I am in awe of your strength.

Beatrice was lucky to have such an amazing mummy and you will always be her mummy. I know that you will be by her side again.

Much love to you all x

[cupofteaplease]

So today wasn't so successful...

I decided this morning to go and meet my mum for a cup of tea, and driving out of the village I drove over a big pot hole and burst my two offside tyres. So that was the morning scuppered.

In the afternoon, Bea's CCN came over to visit and we had a lovely chat, but we also went through Beatrice's demise, and I just felt guilty. I must have known she was working too hard during her last month. Her o2 requirements kept creeping up, her blood pressure was twice as high as a normal child's. The problem with her ventricles thickening and the wall between them thickening probably pointed to the fact her heart was in trouble. I should've known she was working so hard to stay with us. Perhaps I should have encouraged, demanded, that family came to see her in hospital and say goodbye. Perhaps I should've told Beatrice it was ok to go sooner than I did. What if she was waiting for my blessing and I kept her struggling on?

After school I went to dd2's parents evening which was fine, except at the end of the meeting her teacher said she was sorry to hear about Beatrice, with all the gusto of someone saying they were sorry to hear I'd broken a fingernail...

This evening I went to do the weekly shop and had a panic attack in the middle of the supermarket. I nearly abandoned the shopping and ran for the hills. I just kept looking at all these strangers and thinking, 'You don't know my baby has died.'

Tomorrow is my first day back at work. I'm only doing half a day, and praying I don't let the children down. Wish me luck...

[fraktion]

:( Don't feel guilty. She stayed because she wanted to, because she loved you.

Will be thinking of you especially tomorrow.

[OohMrDarcy]

Thinking of you tomorrow cup, just do what you can

and please don't feel guilty about Bea - like Fraktion said, she went when she was ready and stayed because she loved you

xx

[thewhistler]

Cup,

Sounds a grim day.

Bea will have gone when was right for her.

Hugs.

[goodiegoodieyumyum]

Cup I've followed your threads about Beatrice, so sorry for your loss, hope all goes well tomorrow.

[saffronwblue]

Oh Cup. Every minute that Bea was with you was filled with love and care for her. She stayed as long as she could.
Here to hold your hand.

[ChippingInLovesAutumn]

Cup - there wasn't anything else you could have done for Beatrice, you did everything you possibly could.

I'm sorry about DD2's teacher :( How is DD2 finding her?? How is DD2 getting on at school? Ok considering?

Supermarket shopping is hard when you are struggling, they're big, noisy, you see things that upset you, it's all just 'too much'. Local shops for small bits or online shopping is a saviour.

TBH I am worried about you going tomorrow, I think it's an awful lot to put on yourself so soon - but one thing I am sure of, is that you will do your best and no-one can ask more than that. If you need to leave they will cope. Think of us standing alongside you x

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

Thinking of you tomorrow. Have you got a place you can go at work for a few minutes peace if you need it, and a friend you can take with you?

[sassythebloodFIRSTy]

Cup - just wishing you well tomorrow. As a fellow teacher, when you are ready, it's a great job to give your grief a rest for a while - it's so full on you find that 10mins has gone by and you haven't thought about it, then 20 mins, then an hour...

But if you're not ready, there is no shame in saying so during tomorrow or later. No one would expect you back at work yet.

Thinking about you xx