Beatrice died on 24th October aged 1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day. She was buried on 2nd November. As she starts her new life as a butterfly, we are left on the ground feeling bewildered and bereft. I read a short piece at her funeral, and I stand by it:
'I often felt that being Beatrice's mum was much like holding a butterfly. I was in awe of her beauty and felt so privileged that she had chosen to come to me. But, much like a butterfly, I knew that one day she would spread her wings and fly away.
When Beatrice was one day old, a kind stranger shared this poem with me, and it sums up how I feel about Beatrice:
"A butterfly lights besides us like a sunbeam. And for a brief moment its glory and beauty belongs to the world.
But then it flies once again, and though we wish it could have stayed, we feel so lucky to have seen it."
I feel so lucky to have been chosen as Beatrice's mum and I truly believe that the immense grief we must now suffer is still a small price to play for the love she brought into our lives.
Goodnight Beatrice'
I still feel her love in my heart, but I am struggling without her in my arms. I miss caring for her and kissing her. Looking at her and stroking her hair. Singing to her, always singing so many songs. I haven't sung a song since she died, but I don't want the music to leave my life as it means I have let the grief win.
Fly high little butterfly, but please don't forget all of us left behind who hold you, still so fragile, in our hearts and memories. Please don't forget me, Beatrice x
Bereavement
'What the caterpillar perceives is the end, to the butterfly is just the beginning.' Our journey after Beatrice
cupofteaplease · 06/11/2012 21:05
I want her back. I want her back so badly 
. She was in my dream last night. I dreamed she got over the pneumonia. We took her off the oxygen and she was saturating at 86%. All the nurses were waiting for her to pass away, but she held her ground and kept going. We took her home and she was smiling. Smiling and playing with me, she couldn't do those things in real life, but she was really developing in my dream. Then I woke up. I was so sad to wake up.
And it was the older girls who woke me up to ask if they could go downstairs. I hardly wanted to look at them, they woke me up when I was playing with Beatrice
I wish I could sleep forever. If that's what I have to do to see her again, I never want to wake up. It's so hard.
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You take your comfort, what little there is, from whereever it comes.
It is hard; probably the most profound feeling of loss any of us every fear to have to deal with - the loss of a child.
I hope sleep will bring playtime with Beatrice again.
Wishing you ongoing strength and sending much love xx.
I am so tired. This morning I went for a tea with a group of mums and they gave me a gift- they had clubbed together and had a star named after Beatrice. My dad was an astronomer and would have been able to use the co-ordinates to find it. But he's dead too. Then I went with a couple of friends to the city centre for a drink and everywhere I looked I saw babies. Pushchairs, slings, pregnant women, smiling couples, toddlers... I hate it I want my Beatrice back. I miss her smell so much. I miss dressing her in her cute clothes and singing her songs and doing her physio with her as I tickled her toes. I just want to smell her hair again and hold her hand.
After I got home, I slept for nearly 3 hours this afternoon, cuddled under two of her blankets. The blankets she had wrapped around her at the hospice, but they don't smell of her anymore. My dh has done all the school/playdate/Rainbow/supermarket runs today. I have contributed precisely nothing to the family or household today. Feel slightly ashamed, but equally too exhausted to care. I don't feel like me at all. I thought I was doing well, but now I'm not so sure. Dh is due back in work the week after next and I'm panicking a bit- I don't know what I'll do really. I can't face work on Thursday. I've got masses of prep to do before then, and it's my whole school assembly- It was meant to be mine last week, but a friend took it for me, I can't bail again.
I'm in two minds whether to go to the GP tomorrow and see if I can get some time off, but then I'm just delaying the inevitable, aren't I? I have to go back one day.
I hate feeling like this. I had a purpose in life when Beatrice was here. My job was to protect her and fight for her. I looked in my diary this morning and she and I had 4 appointments between Monday-Wednesday this week. That was our life. NOW WHAT? Nothingness stretched ahead of me as far as the eye can see. If I could turn back the clock, I wouldn't have gone to sleep at 2am and I could have prevented them from giving her the Oromorph which I am sure killed her. I can't believe I fell asleep for an hour and they overdosed her. My poor girl didn't stand a chance after that. The doctorr at the hospice said it was too long between it being administered and her dying for it to have been connected, but it was after that was administered that her respiratory rate went down to 4 beats a minute and although she lasted until 10.20am, she never recovered her original breathing rate. Why did I go to sleep??
Oh cup .
Don't torture yourself. No one could have done more for their baby than you did.
If you feel work is too much, get signed off. Quite frankly if school force you to take an assembly before you are ready then I would question their compassion.
Just because you think you have to go back at some point doesn't mean it isn't right to take more time off now.
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cup, I really think you should see your GP and get signed off. The shock wears off and you're left with, well, what your post described.
It is exhausting. Even 4 months on I am often exhausted with grief.
One MNer who lost her son very wisely suggested I take many videos and photos of our son and daughter, as she found it hard to remember a good deal of the first year after her middle child's death. And so far, she's right.
There is a huge letdown, too, after having cared so intensively fof your child - several of us have had this as well.
And the what if's and second guessing - yep. I still do that, even now.
Please be kind to yourself, cups.
(((()))
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