For anyone who is grieving for one of their parents

[mummylin2495]

I have started a new thread as i was having trouble loading up the old one I will link the two together if poss.

I decided I'm not going to the night out thing I mentioned earlier, its with people I don't see much and I don't know if they know about my mum and I can't explain it to them

I know I'm trying to avoid everything just now, especially thinking of everything, I just feel really strange, maybe this is a part of grieving as well

last night I was speaking to people I haven't seen for a while about mum and they were saying "its really hard" and I almost said "I know, but I feel my mums still with me, I haven't lost her", but I would have sounded like a nutter...I feel like I want to talk about her all the time but theres no one to talk to her about so maybe I'm just getting used to keeping it all in and dealing with it alone...actually that makes sense, I think I'm just living with it in my head now and not sharing anymore, except in this thread

you know what absolutely kills me, that nikon camera advert (that used to have robbie williams in concert taking a photo of the audience and all the flashes going off), the music at the end always goes something about "coming home"...it always makes me feel I'll never go home to mum and dad again....I hate it it makes me so sad..no one else in the house even hears it when its on...and I sit here with a huge lump in my throat

Ssd I feel your pain. I understand what you are saying about never being able to come home anymore to mum and dad. It's so upsetting. So sad. But you are right. They are with you. Keep talking about them. I do. It's the best way of getting through this torturous pain. Big hugs xx

I think there is an advert with "ill be there" for halifax which puts a lump in my throat. I know the one with the nikon camera that does the same too!
Ssd i didnt go out much or see people at the begining it was too hard for me, i did have good friends that would have me talk about her, i have a small pocket of friends now that will be ok with me talking about her and others that openly say they cant go there as its too painful for them to even begin what im going through..

I was wholeheartedly selfish and in some respects still am when it comes to how i feel about being around people, i am there for my husband the children and my dad, everyone else just floats about my bubble. I did say and still do now that i feel my mum around me, and i know when she isnt so i totally understand what you are feeling x

Galaxymum - i know what you mean totally when it comes to shopping, i get choked up walking round the shops as there is so much i would see she would love, and i cant walk round chirstmas isles yet that's for sure.

lancarra1 - i am so sorry to hear of your loss, we are all here for each other, please come and speak when you feel comfortable and need us. Thinking of you!

girlwiththefrothycurl - Glad you are looking after yourself and staying home, stay home for as long as you can, i think i went back to work too soon, my company was very horrible, they didnt speak about my mum once, and didnt say much to me the day before the funeral i felt so lonely, i left there, and should have left sooner, luckily i was on a contract and it was going to end in october but i left them before the summer holidays

Thinking of everyone!! {{{hugs}}}

mummylin- it was a horrible couple of months watching mum suffer and lying there so helpless. One thing I have thought about is that we got to tell her how loved she was. Someone told me that when her dad died she found it hard because he had just dropped down dead. She said to go that way is hard for the family, not getting to say goodbye but better for him not suffering. Where as we got to say bye to mum I hate to think of her in pain and uncomfortable.

maybeyoushoulddrive- I'm sorry I missed Jeremy Vine yesterday, that sounds interesting. I know what you mean about trying to do nice things but feeling sideswiped. Not so much now, but for a while after I lost mum I would look forward to going somewhere, then when I was there I just wanted to be at home!

for everyone xx

BiscuitsandBaileys i would of loved the chance to tell my mum how much i cared and be able to say goodbye.But it was so unexpected none of us had that chance and none of us were with her.That upsets me.A lot.ssd Its obvious you are not yet ready to face going out to places.It dosent matter ,just take your time and when it feels right for you, you will know it.
I too bring my mum into conversation all the time.I cant seem to stop myself.I think it brings her back whilst i am chatting about her.It dosent matter what we are talking about, mum will be there somewhere !I expect everyone is fed up with me doing that ,but im not gonna stop it,part of the verse my mum left says " talk about me often,Laugh at the things we used to always laugh about " so i will.
Today i have gone back to last week ,thinking what a terrible day it was. a year ago.I have no idea when our brains stop doing this.
I actually did think about going into town today to get a couple of things for xmas,but thats as far as i have got ,just thinking about it, and have now decided im not going.
I am thinking about putting a picture of mums little garden on here but dont know if it would be in bad taste.And somehow it would have to be just for this thread.What do all of you think ?

mummlin- I hope I worded my last post okay, I imagine that's really hard not being able to say goodbye, I didn't mean to upset you. I guess there's no right or wrong way to lose someone as we never want them to go.
I would love to see a picture of your mums little garden. We could hardly see my mums plaque the other day as we'd all left so many roses for her!

Although hard to believe mummylin your mum knew and knows, their around us all the time.

I wouldn't mind to see your flower garden. And I bet she has loved all you have done.

Biscuits - when I read your mum took two months after that must have been heart breaking. Although mum was 6 days in a coma and it killed me to see her there and know she wasn't coming back because I still was holding out hope. But then again the shock is still there on and off that one day I was having a laugh with her then the next day she was gone.

I had a strange thing happen last night. I was watching Sally Morgan. And I could feel a Tiny wind breeze around my hands - wrists while I was watching tv. Was most odd! I just said hello mum if it's you.. I definately feel her around me and I can also feel when she isn't.
Thoughts with you all x

Can't stop crying today. My poor 5 month old must think I'm mental. Staying with pil at the moment and although they are well meaning, they just aren't my parents. Fil said something about how lovely it was one of their their other grandchildren sees so much of their grandparents and they get to see him grow up. He didn't mean to be insensitive but his comments cut like a knife just knowing my parents won't see my little one(or any future ones) grow up.

Ah bless you beachcombgirl. It is so hard to hear things like that. I have older ladies at my work and they talk about grand children I nearly lost it at work started getting teary eyed. I have to la la in my head often.

Sending you virtual hugs x

I have put my picture up and hopefully have made it available only to us on this thread !
Beachcombergirl i am sorry you are so unhappy today.I think people say things without really thinking about it.
biscuits No you didnt upset me at all.It was only the fact i didnt get to say goodbye.Whichever way we lose someone its very hard to take isnt it.

i think i have done it properly cause i cant even see it myself.I have added your names to my mates list which i think enables you to see it.

I can't see it mummylin??

hi mummylin I can't see it either...

I totally agree with t875, mummylin and everyone who wasn't there when their parent died, I believe they know how much we love them and I feel theres a reason for everything, although it might not be apparent at the time. Of course if your parent died in a bad way then I can understand if someone disagrees with me.
But I know when my mum died, she died on my day off, the day I always go out to see her. But this day I didn't go out as I woke up with an awful cold and couldn't face getting out of bed, I never got colds, this was very unusual.. Then that evening I kept thinking I must phone mum to tell her why I didn't come out, but time drifted and I never phoned her (I've phoned her almost every day for the last 15 years, since my dad died). So the day she died I didn't see her or contact her, which was very unusual. The next day the police came to my door to tell me the news...the first thing I said to dh was "why didn't I phone her last night", I couldn't believe I didn't. But I've since realised if I had phoned and she hadn't answered (she died that afternoon), I'd have worried and gone out to hers and found her dead on her couch and I'd have been alone and panicked.

So I knew in some way I got that cold to stop me finding her, as I feel she knew I'd have been scared to find her myself.

I know that might sound daft, but its what I feel.

When the police came to my door, I was lying in my bed with the cold, and I kept singing that spice girls song "viva forever", I don't know why, I don't like the spice girls, but the song was going round and round my head...strange

Anyway, even though I never saw her I know for sure mum knew I loved her and she loved me, its not something I ever worried about

Maybe because my mum was old and I knew she wouldn't last forever I sort of thought a lot mum might go soon and although her death was a total shock, it was the right time for her, even though it wasn't for me

I realise if your mum was younger and fitter what a shock this must be, my mum was old and frail and it was still a total shock

What I'm trying to say to mummylin and others, never doubt your mums knew you loved them, your love shines through in every post and your mum would have never have had any doubts of your feelings

and t875, Sally was in my hometown last night!! bet your mum was saying "I'm here for you"

Wow ssd can't believe Sally was in your home town. I have to say I was blown away by some things on last nights show!
I know what you mean also we visited my my mum all the time as we didn't want to leave her on her own although we knew she wasnt there if you know what I mean.
I knew she was going to go and sadly she started then deteriorating we left and we got home an hr later we got the call.

It was so strange but we really believe she waited for us to leave.

i forgot to change the sign to say it was available to mumsnet mates !!! I had it set on private which is what i thought it should be.You should be able to see it now i hope.
oh yes ssd mum knew we loved her and we know she lived for all of us.That has never been in doubt.
t875 i have also seen sally Morgan ,but it wasnt in my town although she has been here.This was about 3 yrs ago, but i honestly was not impressed by her at all and would not go again.I also remember going years ago with my mum to see an irish man called Stephen o'Brian but i cant really remember what he was like now! this was after my sister died.I would consider going to a spiritualist church when they do their special evenings.I dont know i will wait and see how i feel.Im not a church person but i think that dosent matter to go to one of their churches.They let all sorts of people in.
I suppose sooner or later im gonna have to accept that mum has gone,but i dont feel like that at the moment.

Mummylin your garden is beautiful x

Yeah I'm with you about Sally mummylin and I'm not sure. But I do have to admit a few things she said last night about a mans dad in spirit. She said she was being shown his dad tinkering with cars and also being shown an apple tree and box of apples... The man was blown away as he said his dad worked on cars and while he waited he used to climb an apple tree near where his dad worked on the cars and the apples would fall in a box. I was blown away by that.

But I do know what you mean though.
I'm also with you on the spiritualist church that's the route I will go down too.

I mentioned it to someone that Sally was going to be on and they said they'd seen her before but she wasnt as good live as she looks on the telly..they said she didnt get anything right live!! maybe the telly edits it well, she looks amazing on her telly programme....the only one I really believe in is Gordon Smith the psychic barber as he's known

I feel the same as you mummylin, I dont want to accept shes gone. I've just been shopping and seen all the things I bought her only a couple of months ago...it feels like everyone has moved on and I keep going back over things by myself...

its so heart wrenching isnt it

I'm going to see your pictures now mummylin.

I'm eventually going to a spiritualist church too, really hope we all get something and can come to grips with this lonliness and longing we all feel

beautiful flowers mummylin, your mum will love them x

yes it is ssd.i remember last year in the run up to xmas being in a shop with my friend and i heard someone call out "mum" i felt so envious of her.
Mum made us all fruit cakes each week,pickled her own beetroot,even though she hated it, grew runner beans mostly for me and did so many things for us even at her age.But she was one of the lucky ones and was very very active.She knitted and did crochet.she always started my crochet off for me because i couldnt do it !!! now i have learnt to do it in a fashion,mum would be horrified but i still cant do it the correct way.But it looks ok.And she loved her mobile phone for text.She was very good at it and sometimes put a few words in in text speak and i didnt know what she was writing !
Glad the photo is showing now.i hope all of mn cant see it though.

Damn phone!!! Don't know wether Im doing something wrong or not l

I can't see the pictures. Sorry about the broken messages my phones playing up...