For anyone who is grieving for one of their parents

[mummylin2495]

I have started a new thread as i was having trouble loading up the old one I will link the two together if poss.

Good morning everyone.Today is not a difficult day anymore.Just wishful thinking that my sister would be here.But we have had 23 years of her not being here now.She was 26yrs old and expecting her second baby.She died of a massive asthma attack.Strangely enough when she was expecting my niece, her asthma kept away and she was in the best health she had been for months,so when she told us she was expecting again we had no worries that she would be ill.How wrong we were.But my niece has grown into a lovely adult and is the spitting image of her mum,sadly she has not a single memory of my sister.But i did find it eerily strange that today is the day she has to do the signing for their first house.Comforting in a way and i know my mum would be so thrilled that the money she left has gone to such a good thing.Mum was very close to my niece,as she was the closest person to my sister.Mum wanted to live to see her get married ,which she did because my niece got married last august,then it was to see her get a house.Which she now has been able to do , thanks to money from mum. So i hope that mum can see what good she has done somehow.All my niece and her dh have to do now is prepare to be paying for the next 25 yrs !!! I did go and see a medium when my sister died but left it until the feb which is when my sister and I shared a birthday.Apparently the spirits gave me a celebration cake,which of course left me in floods of tears.The rest of the stuff i was told didnt make any sense to me ,so i have never been again.Maybe i will consider going in the future.Im not sure yet.I just think that if my mum can communicate in anyway she will. I hope they are together after all this time. thinking of you all in your difficult times.These will pass for all of us.

Hi all.
I haven't posted for a few days.
I'm really not good with words so always think I never have anything to say that will help, but as I have said before I think of you all often and I check this thread every day.
Last Sunday was my mum's birthday. It was another day that I had built up in my head that was going to be awful, but was fine. We took some roses to the crematorium for her, and later my dad came round for dinner.
Next week will be a year since mum had the stroke. It feels like it was last month, not a whole year. I will never forget that day. I was walking past the end of the road that my mum and dad lived on and I saw an ambulance in the middle of the road. Even though it was 7:30 in the morning I rang them because I knew it wasn't good. I ran down the road

I would be really interested to hear how your reading goes t875.

Hope you're ok today mummlin. That must have been a huge shock to lose your sister like that, so young xx

Thinking of you all on this thread. I've been doing the horrible job of clearing mum's house this week. But I felt better donating to the local hospice charity to raise money for others. I donated to have a Christmas light in mum's name as well. The hospice is local so I will see the lights when I go out and you get a special card to keep. The light service is a few days after mum's inquest which I'm dreading.

Big hugs to everyone. My thoughts are with you.

hello again.thought i would just tell you what has happened this morning.On fridays my niece always comes over and we go and meet one of my brothers in a local cafe for breakfast and a catch up.My brother and i were discussing our sister and saying how next year she would of been 50.We ordered our food and were given our slip with our order number on .It was number 49 !!!! She has now gone home to pick up her dh from his workplace as they have to go to solicitor at 2.15pm to sign whatever it is. !
BiscuitsandBaileys it seems as though you also had the experience that afarside and i had in that we built up the day in our minds so much that we dreaded it ,when in fact it turned out not as bad as expected.
Galaxymum I dont envy you the job of having to clear out your mums stuff,its horrible isnt it.But some good will come out of it because of the worthy cause you have donated to.That will be lovely to have a christmas light in your mums memory.
t875 I think in times of stress we think of all these things without realising how impossible they actually are.Im sure your mum would of had a chuckle about you saying that.
Belladesconocida i too will be interested how you get on if you go to have a reading done.
TheFarSide I too will look up that book ,it sounds like it bought you comfort ,maybe it would be the same for me.
ssd I too have had a couple of dreams about mum,they seemed to be real whilst i was dreaming, but in the last one i had ,which was about 3 weeks ago,mum was there but gradually she faded away.You would think that i would deam about her every night ,but its ony been twice in all this time.Maybe the dead do come to visit.Who knows ?

BiscuitsandBaileys yes it was a huge shock,but she had been in and out of hospital with severe asthma for the last year,in fact in the july she had been in intensive care on a life support system for two weeks but they managed to get her out of that situation.They had warned us that in the next 5 or10 yrs the same thing was likely to happen ,but i in my wisdom disregarded that as it semed such a long time ahead and i thought by then they may have a cure for it.I was completely wrong about this but was so convinced i was right so when she did suddenly die it was a massive shock.The first couple of years were awful and my poor mum was devastated and she too longed for proof that there was life after death so that she could be back with her daughter again.Oh i do hope this is true.then i would know my mum is happy.
I know that next week you will be doing the same as i did and going through the events of last year and probably upsetting yourself.All i can say is that i found the events leading up to the anniversary worse than the actual anniversary day.I hope this will happen for you too.

Hello everyone! you've all written loads - I'll read it all again in a bit, it's hard to get all your stories straight in my mind!

I think we're all in a similar place, even though we lost family at different times. It gets easier to keep on going, the longer ago it was, but we all miss our lost ones equally IYKWIM?

We're off to visit Dad this weekend. As he's so far away we haven't had a chance to sort through Mum's stuff at all, so he's living in the house exactly as it's always been except there's now a thick layer of dust and a grubby washing up cloth! Mum would be cross she kept a beautiful house all her married life inspite of my dad's hovel like tendencies!

You've got me thinking about messages from beyond. I wish I could believe, it would be such a comfort to 'feel' Mum around or have some sort of sign, but nothing, not even any dreams However, she did such a good job of brainwashing us in her opinions that I regularly stop and think 'Mum wouldn't approve' or 'Mum would enjoy this' so I guess that has to be enough.

We're in a funny limbo just now. Mum left long instructions about the scattering of her ashes and the logistics of organising it/time off work etc mean they're still at the funeral home. Dad is happy with them being there but my dSis is struggling and wants them collected. Any ideas how to keep the peace? Realistically we will have to scatter them February half term, which seems ages away....

ssd I agree a together would be fab!

yes we should all meet up for a cuppa, I would look forward to that

re the clearing out of your mums stuff to the girls going through this. here's my theory

when my mum died I had 4 weeks to empty her flat, as it was a council property. I thought I couldn't do it and I clung to everything like glue. I was in despair, but I got a sign from my mum and I got it done.

now I have nowhere to visit.

but I said when I left her flat for the last time ever, come and live with me now mum and I sort of feel she did.

I still have a few boxes of her things, but just about everything has gone.

and you know what, I think although its cruel to have to do it so soon, for me it was a blessing, if I had the choice everything of hers would still be there and I'd still be going out there every Sunday and sitting in her chair and crying for her and smelling her everywhere.

I think having that would hold me back more, I'm not really getting anywhere but sitting lost and lonely with all her surroundings would be harder

so what I'm trying to say is you won't feel better once your mums stuff is cleared, but it won't always be there holding you back IYSWIM.

I hope this doesn't sound cruel to anyone, my sibling asked me "do you feel better now" when I told him I'd handed back mums keys to the council, I couldn't believe he meant it, I said "no because I've nowhere to visit now", I know how hearing what I've said is like a dagger to the heart, but I think clearing out things eventually does help the healing process...whatever that is..

sorry if I've offended anyone, this is just my experience, I hadn't a choice in it but for me that was a good thing

Having a completely shitty week.

hobnobs

post a bit more when you feel up to it

xx

maybeyoushoulddrive maybe you can collect the ashes and keep them at home or your sisters until you have sorted out what you intend to do with them.My garden is a veritable graveyard with both my grandparents having their ashes buried in my garden !! to get my grans my grandad had to write a letter authorising me to collect them and when my grandad died his children [ mum ,aunt and uncle ] said i could have them.they have their little patch in my garden and i have a nice little stone there with a little saying on about them being nearer to god in the garden than anywhere else on earth.I then plant pretty flowers there in the summer time.I wish i had my mums too but she wanted to be in the same grave that me and dh will eventually be in ,which is next door to my sister.My dh purchased this when i was in despair over my sister dying.This is because if you dont purchase the plot ,at our crematorium its a rotation thing ,whoever dies next goes there.

Oh biscuits I'm glad your mum's birthday was fine ( it's my mums birthday soon). I never feel I have anything helpful to say.

What a lovely idea re the Christmas light, galaxy.

ssd "sitting in her chair crying for her" has made me well up.

Hobs hope your week improves greatly. Xx

maybe I was going to suggest what mummylin suggested re collecting the ashes & keeping them at home, or did you mean collecting them is difficult?

I looked for a fairly local shop that does readings but when I found it I couldn't get in as it was upstairs with no pushchair access. I'll go again but take the bushbaby. I think I'd prefer a spiritualist church but the nearest one is open on Thursday evenings when DH is out so I'd have to take the DDs, which I don't think would be appropriate (& past their bedtime).

Big hugs to all.

Poor poor us. Everyone on this forum is in such a painful place. It is just over 3 weeks since mum suddenly died. I can't believe it still. I feel a heavy cloud surrounds me. I just done want my dd to suffer. She is only 5 months old and deserves better than an emotional wreck of a mum like me. My mum would want me to buck up just for her so that's what I try to do but it's so hard. I jus cant see me feeling any better. I feel that I don't want the world to move on. News stories she hasn't heard about upset me, going to her lovely home where everything has stood still upsets me. I call out her name when I am there literally half expecting her to answer back. It's so so sad. He was so happy when my dd was born. For the first time since dad died, she had a light in her eyes. She truly had it all to live for and she could have had years and years watching my little girl grow. I can't bear it.

mummylin- I was blown away by the 49, i think you were getting a message there! When my daughter started senior school and after in the evening we went for a meal and our table number was '28' which is my mum and dads door number! Been thinking of you today, how hard it must have been for you and your brothers.

Biscuits - I know how hard it is to celebrate the birthday, i know what you mean, glad it went better than you thought. Oh i feel for you so much coming up to the year, its the whole shock i still have a problem with with my mum having a stroke.

Galaxymum - it must be very hard to clear out your mums stuff, its rocked me hard when ive helped my dad. We also have taken great comfort to give to charity, i have also moved things on to my dd's and also to me, i know she would love that too.
How lovely about the light, i'm sure your mum will be looking down and smiling.

maybe - I would discuss it with your dad a bit more in relation to your mums ashes, that's what i would do or like the others have said with you taking them until a decision can be made possibly.
i have only had one dream, maybe ask her to come to you, good luck visiting your dad.
ssd - i would love for us all to meet, really value this support from you all xx
struggling again today! just seems like yesterday that i was talking to her about the fire works display we went too, and this year it just doesn't seem true she isnt here. My dad is with us this weekend, just feel i don't want to go to a fireworks display without her, although i know she will be with us im sure.

hobnob - thinking of you and sending you virtual hugs. come back and talk to us when you feel able. I hope you have a good support network around you, we all get them weeks, i still do after 6 mths, this week was ok but last week was a right off.

Thinking of you all and sending virtual hugs

I have found it quite hard to see mums favourite programmes come onto the tele knowing that she is missing them.She loved Downton Abbey,she also loved gareth malone and would of been glued to this choir prog also yesterday i saw Andre Riu on the tele and she went to see him for a birthday treat from my sister last year and he waved to my mum who was over the moon.It just seems wrong that all these things are going on without her being her.hobnobs sorry you are feeling so rotten ,we are here when you need us.

oh beachcombgirl it is so very hard and sending you huge hugs, i went through the tidal wave of emotions at the beginning, I carried on for my girls with the mum bit, my eldest started senior school which was very hard to not share with her. I went minute by minute hour by hour, cried hard some days, but also wanted that belief she was around if i don't think that then i cant handle the alternative. It has got easier as the times gone on, but still very hard days/times. its helped me to talk and let out my feelings, shield a fair bit with the children but they did see my cry and still do from time to time.

also I spoke to CRUSE a few times on their help line which helped a lot.

were here for you, i know how this group has really helped me from the begining.
lots of hugs to you x

I still watch qvc and i can imagine her saying "ooh look at that never in a month of sundays" I even say come on mum lets what qvc i have a cuppa in her mug from home it makes me feel like im having a cup of tea with her!

So very sorry to hear about your loss. And come to this thread anytime. It is very supportive. I can't say I know about losing both parents but I know my dad is floating around on earth missing her like mad.

I have just reas your thread in relation to your daughter. There was a great place I called in relation to my children called Winston's wish. They sent me a book and some activities they can do in relation to them losing someone. Writing a letter, etc. I spoke to someone on the phone which helped. The book was called muddy puddles.

It's all a personal thing in relation to children. Mine decided they didn't want to visit her after or go to the funeral. In some respects it was a good idea as I was a mess at parts- we all we're and it would have been hard for me to Focas on them. But if they wanted too I would have worked round it. I took a Yankee candle they chose and lit it after around her flowers and at the wake.

Lots of love and support to you and know we are here for you to talk too
Virtual hugs to you and your daughter.
Xx

hi, I'm really sorry to hear this too. I've lost both my mum and dad and yes, I feel like I've started a new life and lost my old one which included my childhood and family home. Its awful and I'm so sorry. I have siblings but they live far away and we don't share the same memories, so I feel like an only child. Its lonely. I'd only say, do things at your pace, when you can handle them. Phone people when it suits you, if they don't understand your feelings then thats up to them. You have so much to cope with just now....where are you , maybe one of us could help? I haven't seen your other thread, will take a look.

Post here when you need to, you'll get so much help and support, this thread has been invaluable for me, I hope you get some comfort from it too
xx

fuckwittery I am sorry to hear of your mums death,at such a young age too.Please do come here when you need someone to chat to about it.We all of us on here know what you are going through and maybe we can help you along.We are all at different stages,but united in the grief we feel.I will look for your other thread and have a read.You are not alone now

beachcomber (((hugs)))

fuckwittery so so sorry to hear of your recent loss, would your husband be able to go through your mum's address book instead, or would that not feel right?

t875 I sometimes have a cuppa and a chat with my mum, as I imagine she would have been if she hadn't been ill - I can hear her voice in my head saying "I know, love".

The local library didn't have a copy of "the art of dying". I'll try another one (different county) on Monday.

Thinking of you all and wishing you comfort, always.

I've been removed from everything that needed doing organisation wise.

Are you happy that someone else has taken over doing things ? Maybe you can just let everyone else get on with it instead of worrying yourself.Or do you feel the need to do things ?

mummylin I felt as if I should be doing things but it was all out of my hands, mum's funeral was on my due date, abroad, so there was no way I could have been there. Dad had everything organised & had & has a lot of support which I am so grateful for. My sister only had 48 hours to get over there, which she did (not straightforward to get to at all) & did all the phoning mum's friends & most of the memorial service stuff as I had a new DD. I do feel as if I've been spared a lot.