For anyone who is grieving for one of their parents

[mummylin2495]

I have started a new thread as i was having trouble loading up the old one I will link the two together if poss.

Mummylin - How are you doing? I can imagine its been very hard, but just wanted to let you know your in our thoughts!! Hope the day has gone the best it could do.

OOh so hard, miss my mum loads at the moment, i just want to talk her i want her to talk to me, just so hard! Feel she is missing out on so much with halloween, and christmas coming up. I read my prima magazine tonight, i would have passed it on to her after but i read bits out maybe she can hear who knows eh

xx

Hey Mummylin.

Hi everyone! I've not had a working computer for a few days, but I've been wondering how you're all doing.

Big hugs mummylin today must have been such a hard day for you, I hope you have managed to get through it OK and maybe found some comfort in knowing you are keeping on doing what your Mum found important... All so hard.

I've been crying a lot recently too. Is it maybe all the talk of Christmas etc and the hole seems ever wider? I went to a concert on Sunday night and felt guilty because I had a good time. But of course I wanted to ring my Mum to tell her all about it

I'm on a collision course with my dh ATM about how often we go to see my Dad. We're going this weekend as it's half term, but then I'd also planned to go for the weekend of the 16th November as it's Mum's birthday and I don't want Dad to be alone. I hadn't really realised that they're only two weeks apart... He's miffed that we're not going to see his Mum as much but she hasn't been Widowed this year... I feel very unsupported although I can see that it's a lot of travelling. AAAAGH!

Don't even mention Christmas and where we'll spend it!

t875 and ssd I agree with you about tactlessness. People just don't think and have no idea of the shard of pain that has just cut through you... I'm not on FB now as I couldn't stand all the gossip about happy family weekends etc.

Thankyou so much everyone for your positive thoughts.They obviously worked because the day was far far easier than i had built myself up to expect.The worst day was monday when i relived my last times with her,but yesterday i went to cemetery with my dh and one of my brothers and we dug a little garden patch in front of the headstone to match up with my sisters.The edging stones are actually from mums own garden.We cleaned both the headstones and they both had such beautiful flowers too.They both looked lovely which pleased me immensly.believe it or not we even had a little chuckle because i was being like a film director ordering my dh and brother to move things [ bucket,spade watering can etc] as they were in the way of the photos i was taking ! I am feeling very relieved that the day has gone,although very sad that now i have to say i havent seen my mum for over a year, whereas up until now it was always the past few months,if that makes any sense to you all.I have found that the days you build yourself up to dread are not anywhere as bad as you think they will be and they are in fact bearable.Once again thankyou for thinking of me.
thefarside I know you are a couple of weeks in front of me and i hope that your day too was not as bad as you anticipated.I cant believe that all these months have now passed since we first spoke on the original thread.
For all the newly bereaved who are struggling ,the days will get better and you will all find the strength to cope.Its an awful time but you will get through it with support either from here or R/L
Oh and another nice thing that happened yesterday is that my two teenage gd's made an hour and a half bus trip to come over to be with me as they knew i would be sad.They are used to being ferried around by my dd and to get here on the bus involves long walks at both ends although by car it only takes 15 mins and no walking involved.So i was very touched by this. to everyone

aw mummylin, so glad for you the day passed as well as it could, digging a little patch to meet the headstones of your mum and sister sounds beautiful...and your gd's coming along was so thoughtful, am really pleased for you.

maybeyoushoulddrive, I think you need to remind your dh you are grieving just now and trying to look after your dad, maybe his mum wouldnt mind taking a back seat for once....

well girls, am not going to say to everyone hope today is a good day, I've had that said to me and I just want to scream, all I'm saying is that when we feel sad we can know we're not alone, theres others out there in the same boat, all paddling with a smile then collapsing in a heap when no one is looking
xx

mummylin I'm so pleased that you got through yesterday relatively OK. It can't have been hard I know. I love the picture of you sorting out your dMum's and dSis's headstones and gardens, I'm sure they were looking at you having a laugh about your 'directing'

How lovely of your gd's to make such an effort - they sound great

Thanks ssd I think you're right, but it is hard. Sometimes it's easier to hide my grief and just try to get on with it...

Was thinking of you yesterday, mummylin, I'm glad it was easier than you expected.

My mum visited me in a dream and gave me a birthday hug.

Going to a general memorial service at the weekend, as it's the closest weekend to All Souls - anyone else going to one?

bella, thats wonderful

I'd love to dream of my mum

maybe, I know, family situations are hard

Like you mummylin the actual day of the one year anniversary wasn't as bad as the anticipation. I started feeling edgy a few weeks before the anniversary. It was almost as if my mum's death hadn't happened yet and there was still time to save her, but the days were flying by and it was all out of my control. On the actual day, I felt like I was beginning to accept that she just wasn't there any more. I still have occasional terrible days when it feels like back to square one, but the times in between those days I am generally fine.

Like you mummylin the actual day of the one year anniversary wasn't as bad as the anticipation. I started feeling edgy a few weeks before the anniversary. It was almost as if my mum's death hadn't happened yet and there was still time to save her, but the days were flying by and it was all out of my control. On the actual day, I felt like I was beginning to accept that she just wasn't there any more. I still have occasional terrible days when it feels like back to square one, but the times in between those days I am generally fine.

TheFarSide, can I ask when does the feeling of the universe turning upside down end? I just feel like I've had 2 lives, the one I had with my mum here and now this one with my mum gone, they feel like a million miles apart. I know things'll take a while to return to normal, but I really don't feel I'll ever feel normal anymore... I mean I go to work, see friends etc but inside I just don't feel the same person at all.

Any advice would be welcome x

ssd - for me, that upside down feeling lasted several weeks, although at the same time I could feel the raw grief dissipating very very gradually. In many ways the death of a parent is life changing and nothing is ever the same again. That doesn't mean you'll never be happy again, just that the world shifts on its axis and nothing feels quite as secure as it did before.

My mum died on 18 October 2011 and I spent three very weird weeks immersed in grief and sorting out her things at my dad's, then had to return to London to start a new job. Nobody in my new job knew about my mum - I was functioning but not able to talk about it to anyone outside my immediate family. In those early days I read a lot of books about life after death and near death experiences in a kind of desperate search to work out where she'd gone.

Christmas wasn't great, nor my mum's birthday in January. I have a box of her things, and it was a good few months before I could even take the lid off to look inside. I felt more optimistic and hopeful as spring approached but I remember sometimes feelings of happiness turning into a feeling that I could never really be fully happy ever again because my mum wasn't around.

Summer was mostly OK, as most of the major anniversaries were over by then. I still thought about my mum every day, but I wasn't completely floored by the memories. Having said that, there were (and still are) odd moments when I privately collapse and call out for her and sometimes the longing to see her again is truly unbearable. In between these moments, though, I'm pretty much OK.

As I said upthread, I found the approach to the anniversary of her death very difficult. It was as if she was dying all over again. But now the one year anniversary has passed, I can say life is pretty normal again and has been for some time really.

Everybody seems to experience these things slightly differently, but there also seems to be a lot of common ground ... and one thing's for sure, you will find a way through this

Mimmylin - glad the day went better than you thought. Sounds very touching what u done for your mum. I'm sure she was looking down and smiling. How thoughtful what you did. When I do little things like that In her memory I feel im keeping her close to me. Xx

Bella- how lovely you having a dream, I had a dream and it was clear as day! I remember all the conversation and I even asked her how my nan and grandad was

Maybe -I would talk to your husband I'm in same boat well not now but me and my husband went through roughly same. And he just had to adjust that my dad was very top of my list, I try to work with him too. Grief though really can just turn all your feelings upside down. He def got a fair brunt of my anger and bitterness.

Well had Halloween. Went ok, costumes, food, my dad here. I talk to my mum though on and off as in my eyes she's never gone away and is enjoying all we are doing. Just wish I could talk to her and her to me. Miss her so much. X

Thefarside - i love your user name!
Glad the anniversary for your mum was ok too I can imagine hard too at times.

I know what you mean about upside down b
I really felt like at times I'm just floating around in space without my mother ship.
Ssd - We are all different. I talked a lot. The first 3 months were filled with tears, overwhelming grief, anger, bitterness, denial all they say. And it's so true. Guilt.. What I could have done. What I didn't do.
Then it's ought slightly easier where the crying isn't every day
And have some good days, maybe laugh, I've had to throw myself into other things as I seriously was starting to have the dark clouds coming in.
I hate it and miss her like mad. It's so hard. It's definately harder at m I think because of Christmas etc. that is going to be very hard.

Your still at the very early stage, and it all is upside down at that stage. As the time has gone on I'm 6 mths it's a little easier.
Here anytime x

Its interesting to see that for me and thefarside the anticipated day was worse leading up to it.Its the feelings of going back over things and saying "this time last year " etc.If we all think about it sensibly what is the worst that can happen ? The worst has already happened and nothing is going to be that bad again. There are only days between my mum and thefarsides mum so we are near enough the same stage wise.Yes our lives have to change because we are now missing the person who has been there all our lives and who has loved and nurtured us and still did even in aduthood.But while we are all still here the mums and dads have left a legacy and continue to live on in us.So really they are never gone ! I dont know how long it will take for me to accept that i cant see her again, along time i suspect and i know there are going to be lots of tears still in the coming months.But the awful gut wrenching feelings i hope will now start to fade a bit.As i said before to the newly bereaved,i promise things do improve albeit slowly.It has been so good to be able to talk to others going through the same so i hope that we can all help the others who join into our thread. Interesting also that some of us seem to have a dh who dosent get it ! Is it a man thing ? Just tomorrow to go now to think about my sister,but i have already done her grave.Something very nice happening tomorrow also.My niece ,who was two when her mum died, married last year and my mum left her my sisters share of her estate.It has enabled my niece to get their own first house and tomorrow on the anniversary of her mums death [ niece was two ] she is signing something to enable them to move into their very own house mid november.!! My mum and my sister would be thrilled for her.Something good has come out of something so bad. xx

thanks for answering thefarside.....its almost like you're writing a diary of me just now, especially the books, before this I never looked at any spiritual books, or books on losing someone, even though my dad died 14 yrs ago and I was really heartbroken then. Now beside my bed its "how to deal with bereavement" , spiritual and mediums books and a great book about motherless daughters sent to me by a very kind mnetter....as you said , its all because I can't understand where mum is/went and I can't bear to think shes gone forever, I just can't accept that...I keep hoping these books give me a definite answer, but am still looking...

thanks for your post and t875's too

x

Yes, mummylin, you were my bereavement buddy and I will always remember you for that. I found it very helpful to have someone going through the same thing at the same time. Our situations weren't exactly the same but your pain seemed huge and overwhelming and reflected how I was feeling inside. I'm glad to see you sounding so much better now, if that's the right way to put it.

Thanks for keeping the thread going. I don't visit often these days, but I do drop by from time to time, and it has been helpful to read the words of those at different stages ahead.

@ ssd

I read half a dozen books on bereavement, life after death and so on. I was surprised at the huge shortage of books on death. The one that gave me a lot of comfort was The Art of Dying by Peter & Elizabeth Fenwick which describes deathbed experiences - I was with my mum when she died and was quite traumatised by the experience as it wasn't totally peaceful and she was hallucinating at times. For a while I became fascinated and obsessed with the mechanics of how people die and what happens to the body (and what might happen to the soul).

When my gran died many years ago now,i was sat in the hospital crying and an old lady came over and asked what was wrong .I told her and she said, what is left is just like an overcoat,her soul has gone but still lives.I have never forgotten that.I can picture my mum buried under the ground ,which really is ridiculous because she was cremated.I wish i had proof that there is another life after this.I am not exactly a sceptic but i need some tangible proof.If i thought that i would someday see my mum again ,i would be happy.I have also been told that in the spirit world 20 years can go by like 5 mins ,so although it seems years until we may get to see them for the people who have gone before its nothing .Oh i dont know,i get so confused by all this.My sister is a firm believer.What do the rest of you think ?
I have been back to the cemetery this afternoon because i wanted to get some more pictures of the other flowers that have been placed there since i took the first pictures.Its a good job i did because the pots had blown over and the water had come out ! Its a wonder the flowers hadnt been blown around all over the place because here the wind and rain last night was horrific.Just to say in advance that when this thread gets to about 600 posts my comp will not then open up the thread for some reason so if that happens i will Pm one of you and maybe someone could start a new thread !!!

Yeah I threw myself Into looking up life after death and spiritualism. Signs messages, and strokes and lobe strokes. I even phoned a big hospital in London and spoke to someone more intently about your brain and how strokes affect it.

I found loads on the Internet about it all, blogs, web sites, forums. It was very helpful In a small way.

It's definately helped to talk to you guys on this thread since my mum passed.
X

Ha ha t875 - I spent hours googling medical info about what happens to the body when you die, and cornered a nurse friend of mine at my mum's funeral and interrogated her about all the drugs and tubes involved in my mum's death. I was on a quest for knowledge and nothing was going to stop me.

I don't know about life after death, but the Art of Dying book was a non-sensational, semi-scientific reassurance that death need not be a terrifying experience. I found it very comforting.

mummylin, re what the old lady said about the overcoat, I think our bodies are like houses for our souls. I remember a quote "we are not bodies with souls, we are souls with bodies" which I found liberating for a time.

TheFarSide, t875, ssd, I've been looking at books too, I will look up "the art of dying", there was a thread with a couple of very moving accounts of deathbed experiences, made me cry & feel hopeful. I believe we will see our loved ones again, but i have no proof, its something I want to believe. I notice white feathers & choose to see them as signs. I'm considering having a reading but part of me thinks it'll be tosh and making money out of misery.

Thinking of you all & sending virtual hugs. (found hugs helpful)

hi, I believe the spirit does live on, somewhere

I didnt believe in anything of this sort, but I do now

its just a feeling and a few experiences I've had since mum died

(I bloody hope so anyway)

talking to you all helps so much, wish we were all together for a good natter and a cry!

ssd xx

Yeah I'm going to have a reading. I'm going to go to a spiritualist church local to me. I really want too.

I'm a big believer of the other side and my mum is still around. I know when she is I can't explain it, I can just feel when she is and when she isn't. I gave also clearly heard my Name called.. The night she passed I heard it clearly. And also a few months after.
I had a weird thing of a random robin appearing specific days - before she passed, funeral , my daughter starting seniors, times when I've cried in the garden too. I've had random feathers and random songs. Hearts have appeared either come accross sweet heart shapes, beads, and I also feel a tiny breeze around my face. My dad has had stuff happen too.

My friend is a medium but she was very close to my mum do unfortunately she can't do much for me.

I can't even think of the alternative so to have that belief keeps her spirit alive.
Virtual hugs everyone.
Thinking of you all xx

Far side - u wouldn't believe it. When this consultant said that she wasn't coming back I not only wanted to give him a bloody good shake but I said " well if you can't do anything for her get some one who can" a very high paid consultant no doubt!! I was googling.., saying fly her to America they must be able to something there!! Bet my mum was having a right laugh at me doing that!! Like we could afford to fly her to America! Would have done though! I think my family seriously thought I'd lost the plot!! Lol

Mummylin. Will be thinking of you tomorrow for your sister. X

Bella - let us know of you do go for a reading! I had a feather a shard of tiny feather fall from the ceiling at my old work. I kid you not!!
How r u doing hun? I can imagine not great we're here for you!