For anyone who is grieving for one of their parents

[mummylin2495]

I have started a new thread as i was having trouble loading up the old one I will link the two together if poss.

My Father died in July. His Doctor failed to diagnose his symptoms of cancer for nearly 14 months until it was too late. My sister and I are both nurses. We could have got him to hospital sooner but he didn't tell us.

I am so angry. I wasn't terribly close to my Father; he'd remarried and was a distant parent even when married to my mother and he worked abroad a lot too. My SM kept us at a distance although I was allowed to be there at his home when he died because she was quite frightened I think, to be alone with him.

Despite our less than close relationship I have been pole axed....It hits me like a truck every day and I feel like I cannot think straight. My memory is shot.

I wrote and read out his eulogy in church. I am haunted by what I could not say to him whilst alive even though my sister reminds me that he also chose not to talk in any depth to me too. He did write me a letter given to me posthumously in which he apologised for not stopping my mother from physically and psychologically abusing me. I do feel I needed to speak to him though and I couldn't pluck up the courage.

So many of us carry this silent hidden grief within us, don't we? This thread helps. Love to all here....

mignonette I am sorry to see that you have lost your dad in what seems to be very difficult circumstances.Your dad was obviously thinking of you to of left you a letter.Its a shame you didnt get to say to him what you really wanted to whilst he was alive though.Wrtie him a letter now,say what you wanted to say ,then set fire to it or shred it.This may help you in some way.
There are two families grieving today about ten minutes from me .Two young lads crashed into a tree and died.All it says in local paper online is their ages and others in tributes have put their christian names.So much to live for and its all snatched away in a second.

Lost my Mum on Friday. Felt OK yesterday and carried on as normal. But today feel very low. I also have a long term chronic illness which is made worse by stress, so affected very badly today.

I had though about going back to work tomorrow, especially as I have had a lot of time off recently with my illness. But I am not sure if I can handle it. I work in a school and am not sure how I would react if I had a behaviour issue to handle.

Thank you mummylin. Saddened about the loss of two of your community...

Fuckwittery thank you for your response, it was very helpful.

Have had a horrible day today. One of my siblings reacted very badly to an email from my DH. He was only trying to explain that I can't help or attend multiple funeral events for my Mum as I am so ill. Why do family members behave like this at such difficult times. I now feel even more ill and distressed!

Oh, sorry, everyone, I should have asked if it is OK to join this thread. Also sorry to you all for your losses.

You don't need to ask to join us Gurl, anyone is welcome, it's just a shame we have to come together iyswim?

Thanks mummylin and t875, sorry I should have said that although it will be a year since my mum had a stroke she didn't die from it that day. She spent the next two months in hospital unable to move one side and barely able to speak

To the newcomers to this thread, I'm sorry for your losses xx

GurlwiththeFrothyCurl isnt it awful when at times you would think the family would all pull together and help out that these disagreements occur. I am sure that your sibling knows your circumstances and knows that you cant do too much.You do only as much as you can do and if that means you cant do anything then thats the way it will be.Please take a few days off work, you dont want to end up make yourself worse that what you are already.I am sorry you have lost your mum,that is bad eneough in itself without extra worry from family.let the healthy people do things.You did not need to ask to join this thread ,its for anyone who is in need of support.
bella You obviously could not help anymore in your situation.I am glad you had others who were able to do it.
BiscuitsandBaileys that must of been a terrible couple of months for you to go through and not at all nice for your mum to suffer for that long.Life is so cruel sometimes.
fuckwittery i will go and have a look at your other thread.

hi all and welcome to the new posters who've joined us, I'm sorry you're here..

I feel a bit mixed up with everything just now, so I won't post anything, but am always checking in on this thread and sending love to you all

BTW cruse phoned me back but said its too soon for me to have a counselling session with them, they said if I still feel like this in a few months to phone them back...I guess that makes sense

Hi my dad died on saturday 3/11/12 , I was with him to the end ,but it is surreal and I can't believe he has gone and then I remember. Just feel numb alternating with grief.

Hi everyone
I've felt so alone but clearly reading all of your posts, there are so many of us going through the same thing and feeling the same things. It's very comforting.
Hello to the new faces, I'm sad to see you here too, but it's such a welcoming thread I hope you feel at home here!

Gurlwiththefrothycurl I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. I hope you're not at work today! There are no rights or wrongs, you need to do what works for you. I also have a long term health condition and I've found it very difficult to keep on top of my health while trying to be there for everyone else. There's no easy answer - sorry your siblings have unrealistic expectations It's good that your dh is managing to help out with your relatives, even if it's not always successful...

fuckwittery (never thought I would type that!) I'm glad your friends have been supportive, it helps to spend time with people who care about you. I hope today goes as well as it can and that you begin to work out a funeral that feels right for you. It's such a personal thing to do, but if something doesn't feel right then it will annoy you and will be the thing you remember later...

mignonette I'm sorry about your Father. It's never easy to lose a parent and regrets about things left unsaid are common. I hope you take comfort from the letter from your Father. I agree with mummylin about writing a letter to him saying everything you want/need to say. Is there somewhere you could go and read it out loud to him?

Gosh I'm losing track - I'm missing so many people out as this thread seems to move so quickly.

Big hugs to everyone here

X-posted with ssd and lancarra1

Are you OK ssd? Sorry Cruse feel it's too soon. You can talk to us or if you want a real voice I've found Samaritans to be lovely...

I'm sorry you're here lancarra1 Losing a parent must be one of the most painful things we experience. Do you have someone to talk to and be with?

Gurlwiththefrothycurl - thinking of you especially today. I hope you have been able to take some time off from work. I think you need time to yourself.

Mignonette - I wrote and said my mum's eulogy which felt a very positive thing to do. I could say the things I needed to say - but like you I am haunted with all the things left unsaid. That finality is the hardest for me. Just having to accept I won't get to talk to my mum again - not having closure on certain issues.

lancarra1 - so sorry to hear of your loss. It's all so surreal in the early days. I hope you feel so comfort here knowing there are other people who are experiencing their sad losses too.

I was really pleased to pass on mum's houseplants to someone the other day. The person was thrilled when I said "Well have them if you like them - I want them to go to a good home." And I gave mum's sewing machine to her neighbour. Mum bought me lots of baking items and sewing stuff and we got them together so I am trying to pass on the "doubles"! Passing on items I really haven't space for feels positive and mum would have been really happy.

ssd - big hugs to you. It's just hard isn't it? I was trying to be busy and positive this past few days then Saturday eve I just fell apart when I saw an ad for Christmas Fair I went to last year with mum. It was a little thing that brought back lovely memories I can't have again.

Big hugs to everyone and thinking of you all.

Just listening to the dreaded Jeremy Vine talking about bereavement. I have tears streaming down my face - a lovely elderly lady spoke so movingly about the loss of her husband 40 odd years ago and how she can still cry when she hears a piece of music he loved. I'm finding it strangely comforting and cathartic to hear that you don't forget the grief, it becomes part of you and your life onwards.

We went to a fireworks display over the weekend. I was crying with each bang, hoping Mum was watching from somewhere - she did so love bonfire night and also all the family being together. I wonder when these occasions get any easier?

Thanks to everyone and sending best wishes too. No, I haven't gone to work today, but am not alone as DH has retired due to disability and DS1 is unemployed, also due to disability. DS1 is also grief stricken and is starting to take his feelings out on us (he has ASD), which makes it doubly hard.

Still feeling very upset that my sibling should turn on DH like that. We are all upset. It's as if there is a competition for who has done the most to help and who should be sad. DH lost both his parents some time ago, so understands the situation.

I have been guilt stricken for months at being unable to help and I know things will get worse as I am also too ill to go and clear out Mum's house. This will probably cause another upset as, despite trying to make things clear, my siblings either don't understand or can't face how ill I actually am. Although I do manage to stagger into work on most days, what I have is incurable. although not life-threatening. Just quality of life-threatening IYSWIM.

So sorry to be wrapped up with my own issues at the moment. I will try to join in a bit more soon.

Hi everyone

Not been around, had my dad here all weekend as he's been having a tough time, it was very hard without my mum not around though, especially when we went for something to eat and heard a lady talking to her mum.

I cant remember what i done yesterday and feeling very foggy.
I am very sorry but ive lost the thread a bit but im thinking of you all

And anyone who has just joined, you are very welcome and hope you get the comfort and support i have had over the last months.

Big hugs to us all xx

galaxymum I'm glad you're enjoying passing on your Mums things. I think it's a really nice thing to do - I hope we can manage it when we feel able...

Gurlwiththefrothycurl I do understand how you're finding it difficult with your family re: your illness. It must be so frustrating not to be able to help - such a shame they don't understand. I have to say I think others do find it hard to identify with illness if it's not something they've experienced themselves. You have to concentrate on yourself I think - do what you feel able - your Mum really wouldn't want you making yourself even more poorly...

Hi t875 sorry you're finding it tough at the moment. That foggy feeling is very familiar - be kind to yourself.

hi to everyone, I share so many of the feelings being described here

I feel sort of mixed up at the moment, I feel this life without mum is so so different to anything I've known before I'm trying to find my way through it

I've been throwing myself into stuff trying to keep busy so I cant think, but I'm knackered now and I know I need to face my feelings sometimes

sigh

x

t875, foggy is exactly how I'm feeling too

theres a night out coming up and I said I'd go to it, but the thought of putting on a false smile is too much, yet I know if I stay in I'll go mad thinking

I just dont know what to do with myself these days, am all over the place

ssd i have been out to a couple of shows and i have to say i actually did enjoy them.But i have felt to guilty afterwards.Which is really silly of me because i know my mum would tell me to go and enjoy myself.But its so hard.but sooner or later when you feel up to it ,you will start having some semblence of normality.If you dont want to go out and feel you cant face it ,then dont go.You will when it feels right for you.
galaxymum i had my mums knitting machine here and didnt know what to do with it,i asked in mumsnet local if anyone would like it and a lovely young lady came over with her young child and took it.I know my mum would of been so pleased to think that someone would use it [ she knew i never would ] and im sure your mum would feel the same.I am however left with so much wool !! its not for a knitting machine so i have to put it to good use.There are a couple of babies on the way so i will crochet some blankets ready for them.My friend has already made lots of little cardigans with mums wool to take to a hospice shop.
GurlwiththeFrothyCurl its only common sense for the healthier members of your family to do all the things that you are unable to do.It seems you have enough to cope with and i dont understand how your own family can have a problem with that.I am glad that you have stayed at home today.Hope you are finding it better than being at work for the moment.
hello lancarra1 deepest sympathies for your loss.It knocks you backwards dosent it.As you can see ,there are so many people grieving and its so good to be able to realate to others and see that what we are feeling is so similar to others.Please post when you need to ,someone will answer you and give you a shoulder.
maybeyoushoulddrive i had similar thoughts on sat night because my mum could always see the firework display from her lounge window and enjoyed it.Now there are new people in her home,which i cant bear to think about.For the first time ,i myself did not want to go anywhere to see any,nothing seems the same anymore and i seem to have lost enthusiasm for so many things.Its depressing to think i may always feel like this now.
I am lucky in a way because i have lots of video footage of my mum ,but so far i have not been able to look at any of it,but i know in the future the videos will be a real treasure.
Holding all your hands in our circle of friendship.x

ssd - I know exactly how you mean. I feel I'm running around on adrenalin and feel ok if I'm really busy - and also doing things connected with mum. It's when I relax, and also just quiet doing day to day things. Going shopping is a nightmare as I always did grocery shopping with mum. I wander round Sainsburys ina daze - takes me three visits to get everything!

Then I just get floored with grief. The other week at Sainsburys I came out and sat for half an hour crying in the car... just thinking how different such a mundane task is.

It does get easier to begin to do nice things like shows etc but I do get completely sideswiped occasionally. For some reason driving round a particular bend in the road near home floors me...no idea why, as it doesn't have any huge significance with Mum. I wonder if I hold my emotions in check while I'm out and about and can relax them as I get close to home???

mummylin I wish I had more video of Mum. She absolutely hated having her photo taken/video done so there are only scraps of her, but I do have a few seconds of her talking which are treasured!