"You Light The Skies Up Above Me, A Star So Bright You Blind Me" Remembering all our precious children.

[fioled]

For my beautiful baby Anabelle Violet, loved and missed to the moon and back, always xxx How hard we wish that you were here baby girl.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky.

For all our babies and children, big and small xx

That fantasy makes total sense, like you just want to keep running away from the pain. And maybe if you keep.moving the pain and the grief won't be able to keep up with/ catch you.

Id live the travel around in a carvan idea, nit so.much the cave and walking thing

Disappearing. Yes. Like if you aren't in your normal environment anymore, you are invisible. And if you are invisible, maybe the pain isn't there either... then again, I am very conscious that to the everyday person walking through the local shopping centre, they have no idea about our lives, and what we go through every day. An invisibility of a kind too.

I went through all the pile of papers about Mia tonight. MrMia came home to find me sobbing over the little paper packet of her beautiful red curls.

YY, white, and the parallel life, the other life where everything is as normal as it can be. No constant reminders of our dead children.

Mia's, I'm so sorry.

I sobbed all day yesterday. And more today.

I have hidden some people on FB. I can't bear to read their reports. I know that's bad, but I can't help it.

Yes an invisablity cloak.would be good.

Another thing the sands counselor said.was, you may find your not as open anymore, which.is exactly what I've been going on about to dh for weeks.

And that you.May feel.weary of people

That you may talk to.some people about ds and some people you won't talk to about ds

She said your probably worry about Xmas and ds birthday.

She certainly had a good understanding of my thoughts and fears

Mias.mummy how long was mias hair? I picture her with tumbling curls just past the shoulders with rosy cheeks from.playing in the garden Ir running around having fun

I really love red hair.

I totally get what you mean about just.not enjoying things as much anymore. Even things I.normally love. I just don't enjoy them.anywhere near as much now.

But I like that idea, live for your living child. Until your life becomes.worth living for yourself too
Kind if what I'm.trying to do

Expat good idea to.hide it, if its upsetting you. I would do the same. I'm.not even on fb never have been.
And the reason I don't want to join is because I don't want to see everyone's perfect, fake lives

Bloody hell I am.bitter

I post on FB, but in a very limited way. And hide lots of silly stuff too.

white, Mia's hair was curly in a fluffy, crazy way. I think you should be able to see photos of her on my profile. It took ages to grow, but she was finally gaining some proper curls in the last few months. She never needed a haircut though.

100% happiness will always elude me now. A big chunk of me is missing.

Wow MIA is even.more beautiful than I.imagined, my heart breaks for you and her and your dh.
I love her lips too. And such sparkily eyes

I agree I will.never ever feel 100% happy ever again, ever.
But I wonder what % amount we could feel happiness in the future? 70%, 75,80,85,90,96?

here what do you think to these?

i want mine to say something like, always loved and remembered

or in our hearts at christmas time and always

as well as ds name and date of birth

here

Perhaps I should try and make my own

Morning girls xx

Hello all. I've had a terrible week :( Can't say much as even small details would make me identifiable but basically my line manager put me unexpectedly in a situation where I became very upset & left me without any support. I slipped into 'trauma mode' & have been in a bit of a mess since :( I thought I was doing pretty well - life was looking increasingly normal/stable. But it's not going to happen is it? I have to face the possibility that my career is gone: it's taken me 6 years to get to this point, I can't do it again. All because of one person's callousness.

Morning shabbs x

Oh, Helyantha! How horrible for you. Is there a HR dept where you work? Can anyone help?

I am getting help, but essentially I don't think I'd be able to find a way of working positively with this person without expending a huge amount of emotional energy & I just can't face the fight. I work in a very small, tight-knit community so it could have repercussions beyond my workplace too if I take up a grievance. This is how bullies prosper :(

The saddest thing for me is that I thought I'd found somewhere safe - everyone's always been supportive. It turns out it's not safe at all :(

helyantha, i am really sorry to hear that, could you look for a job elsewhere, is that a possibilty?
(((()))

Thank you, chip and white Sorry about the 'me' posts, but it helps to write it down without having to worry.

I could look for another, similar job, but this was my shot at getting back to the (professional) place I was at before F's accident. I don't want to take on another post & find I have problems again. This week has been very frightening - almost like being back in the early days :(

I have lots of other things I do, so I'll just shift my focus back there, once I get better.

Hope the rest of you are having a gentle weekend

oh helyantha, is it worth trying to have a word with this person whos upsettingyou so much do you think theres a chance they don;t realise how much they are upsetting you?
or are they doing it on purpose?

hope you can get it sorted, xx

just was int he car yesterday and payphone song came on,and the lyrics struck a chord

I'm at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change I spent on you
Where have the times gone, baby it's all wrong
Where are the plans we made for two?

Yeah, I, I know it's hard to remember,
The people we used to be...

that bit definatley

** It's even harder to picture,
That you're not here next to me.**

hope noone minds me posting my ramblings lol i know i dont always make alot of sense!
helps to get it off my chest, but i do wonder if people think oh whites posting lyrics...again!
lol

Hi there ladies, I have been using the internet less and less over the last few months,so I haven't been on mn for a while. everything is reminding me at the moment that the 31st of this month will be the 6 month anniversary of the birth of the boys.... I think I'm sadder now then I was then but there is also a possibility that I'm pregnant again and I don't know whether that's a good or a bad thing, I kind of feel like a hypocrite/disrespectful to the boys (if you know what I mean) because I said it would be at least 5 years lol. Anyway that's enough about me, how is everyone today xx

All of our bridges burned down

You turned out the lights
Now I'm paralyzed,
Still stuck in that time

But even the sun sets in paradise

If "Happy Ever After" did exist,
I would still be holding you like this
[Video:] All those fairy tales are full of shit
[Album:] All those fairy tales are full of it.
[Video:] One more fucking love song, I'll be sick.

You can't expect me to be fine,
I don't expect you to care

Now baby don't hang up,
So I can tell you what you need to know,
Baby I'm begging you just please don't go

these are a few of the other lyrics that stand out to me in thta song

hi kate, i know its a mixed feeling when you find out your pg again, i was but had a mc.
but just take it a day at a time, i think this sort of time, is difficult with christmas coming etc, and it s alomist 9 months since i lost ds. and you get to the point where you feel th suport around you is subsiding but te shock is wearing off, so im hoping this is just a very difficult time
and it will get slightly easier to cope with

I listen to that song all the time, white. I dowloaded it on my phone. YY, 'if happy ever after did exist, I would still be holding her like this . . .'

Kate, wishing you pregnancy vibes! Will be thinking of you come the 31st.

Hely, don't worry about being 'me'! That's why we're here. You don't need this crap. Let us try to help you if we can.

So-so, today. Going to see Aillidh's grave tomorrow and give her her wee poppy wreath. There are more than a few young soldiers at her cemetary, I'm sure there will be many out coming to pay their respects.

We're going to get McDonald's at the drive thru and have a picnic. DD2's idea, of course. Supposed to be a nice, clear day.

I miss saying her name. I miss her warm body. I miss our family. The past few days I've been so sad and angry, for our children, for all three of them.

For us there will be no more children. DH had the snip a couple of years ago and I'm nearly 42. But we do have two surviving children.

Thanks all.

Kate gentle congratulations on your pregnancy. It's tough, but it does provide a focus - not sure if that's good or not.

Expat I realise reading your post that that's it: I just miss :( I miss my son, I miss the person I was, I miss the family we were, I miss everything we should be. And sitting in that office the other day, I missed the confident, sure-footed professional I used to be, who would not have just sat there mumbling, 'but that's not true...'

On the other hand, my boys are fantastic, I have a wonderful husband & there are lots of things & people in my life that I love. I must re-focus (again). Ironically, my solution after F's accident was to get pregnant, but it might be a tough ask now at 46 :) & no, I don't want a dog...