"You Light The Skies Up Above Me, A Star So Bright You Blind Me" Remembering all our precious children.

[fioled]

For my beautiful baby Anabelle Violet, loved and missed to the moon and back, always xxx How hard we wish that you were here baby girl.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky.

For all our babies and children, big and small xx

Helyantha, one of my patients got pregnant accidentally at 48! She was shocked, to say the least, her youngest daughter was 19 at the time.

Crikey, I can see that would be a shock! I don't think it would be a sensible thing for me to attempt purposefully.

I've ended up with a nasty chest infection & the nurse I saw thought I might need some more psychological support. It could be that being (repeatedly) pregnant, having DS4, getting back to work (successfully til now) has masked other issues around the loss of DS3. I tend to think that I'd be ok if I knew how to avoid people like this week, but I'm happy to accept whatever help is offered.

If you'd have asked me last week, I'd have described myself as reasonably robust and, for the most part, happy. It's scary that despair is only a step away, even when you think you're being careful :(

I find, Helyantha, that things that I could shrug off before, really, really get to me now.
A while back, a thread on here, a stupid thread on MN had me crying and unable to sleep for 48 hours. I was never that sensitive before. If everything is going fine, I'm Ok but I can't have anything at all rock the boat.

What you're describing sounds like bullying which really should not be tolerated but I know all too well, that it's tolerated far more than it should be. So unfair.

Can I post? Our little angel Lily flew up to the stars two years ago, aged ten months.

We visited her grave today. No reason apart from wanting to spend time with my little daughter and DD1's little sister. Another bunch of lilies, another goodbye kiss, and we're back into ordinary Lily-less life. Every day I wake up waiting for her to start wailing for me to come over to get her to snuggle in with me, and every day I know that there won't be her cuddles and ear-pulling or her beautiful baby kisses and smiles.

Thanks MrsDeVere. I never thought I'd lose Lily, before having DD1 or even meeting their father, I couldn't ever imagine that it could happen. I felt sad for the parents of the children, but it always felt very, very distant. And suddenly we're living their life and it feels like it's too real to be true, if that's possible.

I can't imagine the next few weeks, let alone 6yrs. It's milestones, I've only had to celebrate two of her birthdays without her, but the milestones seem to hurt even more. A few months after she died, she would have been at the average age of saying her first word. At two and a bit, she'd have started nursery, another milestone. Talking in sentences. Writing her name.

I think about the times DD1 did them and wonder what memories I'd have of Lily- what would her first word be? Who would her friends be? Would she talk early, or late? And then the every day things- waking up and realising that DD1 is off to school where she's making soup in Food Tech, and thinking about her first bit of 'cooking', decorating gingerbread men in nursery aged three and two months. The same age Lily's at- and wondering what she'd have decorated them like if she made them.

I could go to the inquests, I could talk to the doctors, I could accept the reasons for why she died, but I still can't accept that she's gone.

welcome youwillobey, sorry you have a reason to join this club, but i hope we can support you in some way
i'm really sorry to hear about you lossing lily

yes its all those things i think about too, would ds liked dinosaurs? would he been a boistrious boy or a more gentle type, loud or quite or swinging between the two personality types

i was in a shop this week, looking for a nice frame to put a nice photo of ds in, and i was looking at the baby boy type photo frames, and there was one that was like a tree, with lots of mini photo spaces, and it was all about the firsts, my first bath, my first steps, my first taste of food, my first cuddle etc
but somehow i couldnt help staring at it, in a trance, till a man said are you ok, then i realised how long i'd just been standiing there staring in a trance

expat this part stands out the most to me

*Yeah, I, I know it's hard to remember,
The people we used to be...

** It's even harder to picture,
That you're not here next to me.*

Crumbs, can't sleep a wink, again

youwill Lily is one of my favourite names. I'm so sorry that you lost her and find yourself here amongst some of the most inspiring women I have ever met.

MrsD it is so hard to watch children the same age doing the things our children should be doing. And it's a lifelong curse. A life of missed experiences.

white, I hope you got some sleep xxxx

Welcome, youwill. Hope you find us a supportive place to be.

Took all day to get to A's grave. Ran into a parade en route. Then, at the cemetary, the bishop was saying Mass. It was mobbed. It was like a gig!

But we got out McDonald's picnic. Her stone will take about 3 months to create but we should have it installed for Feb. I had a cry at the stonemason's.

Her sister is close to reading the last book A did at school.

On Wed 31st October I had twin boys delivered by c-section at 33 weeks. One of our little boys lost his battle to stay with us and died just less than 48hrs later. I cannot really comprehend the grief and how it physically invades my body each morning when I wake up. I am trying to stay strong for our other little boy who is getting stronger every day - he is a huge comfort and holding him is the only thing which makes life a little better. I know that time will help but with our baby's funeral on Wed life feels daunting and relentless.

I know there are no answers but just writing this down has helped. x

thanks chip, i did in the end,
wonder if i will ever sleep normally ever again, i never used to be likethis i used too fall alsleep the moment i laid down

have you got used to the cold again now?

expat, i'm glad you guys still had your picnic.
and i'm glad you've got A's stone ordered now, i was so so worried about ds's, worrying if i would like it and would it be right, and i felt a big relief when it was how i wanted it to be.
it's going to be tough hearing that book again isn't it
((()))

hi sparky, i am so so sorry to hear of your loss of your ds.
is your other little boy still in hospital?
i hope we can be hear to listen to you and be there for you, as you said yourself there are no answers, just have to take it minute by minute.

Hi Sparky I am so sorry you have lost your baby boy, and I pray your other baby stays strong. The early days are the worst but trust me it will get easier with time, you will learn to 'live with it' If you continue to post here you will gain strength from all the Mums here who will be able to help you. You are right there are no answers but there are many other Mums here who will understand and will never judge you xx

Thanks whiteandyelloworchid and MrsDeVere. Yes our other little boy is still in NICU - he is getting stronger though so we hope he will live life for him and his brother. x

I'm sorry for the loss of your son, Sparky.

MrsD, today a young man's grave, he died three years ago when he was 15, was covered in flowers and ballons with 'Happy Birthday!' and '18' and in the shape of a pint of beer.

DS wanted the balloons, of course. A 4-year-old who goes to cemetaries and likes all the bright balloons and ornaments.

There's a two-month-old baby boy across from A, and when we got Struan blows on the wee pinwheel and tries to handle the teddy. I don't think the boy would mind.

Sorry sparky. x

Really struggling atm - I am a nanny and boss is pregnant. I am so happy for her but also so jealous. And so worried. I see nothing as certain. Pregnancy is a big if. 9 long months of watching and watching and stress. I have to take on all this worry for everyone else.

And it is coming up to Christmas - I hate Christmas!

Speaking of songs up the page, I listen to this one a lot I always think I should have said this, or done that. But it is so true, even if I had the chance to then I'd still want more. Because you can never think it is really the end.

expat The sun shone again today for you. And the parade...like the day of her funeral?

helyantha Hope your chest is better soon. You are so right - I always think the time you have the worse "down" times are when you are least expecting and it hits you like bricks.

Oops I linked to wrong one. Although I like that one too.

Hello lovely people. Can I come in?

My beautiful, complicated, funny, crazy, utterly lovely, severely disabled son died four months ago, aged 16. His inquest is tomorrow.

He was not expected to die. He was always healthy, but had a brief virus and we found him dead - blue and stiff and cold - in his bed in the morning.

His disability was all-encompassing. He took up 90% of my time and energies and the other kids had the remaining 10%. We have lost our beautiful boy and we have lost our role and meaning.

I live with terrible guilt too. I found him incredibly hard to look after. Life seemed a battle, dealiing with his challenging behaviour and with sleep deprivation. I found it hard to enjoy being a special needs mum at times, and the older he got, the less I coped. Yet he taught me everything about difference and acceptance and real humanity.

We miss him endlessly. Grief is so physical. My throat feels as if it is being held in a vice, my legs are jelly, my innards are liquid, my eyes constantly burn and my head throbs. Some days are ok. Some days my grief feels incompatible with life.

I have two other children I must try to stay strong for.

I have read some of your stories. cup I silently read about Bea on the SN board. So sorry you and I are no longer there where we belonged. Sorry for everyone else on here - I have cried over so many of your stories.

I need to go to my bed and try to sleep for tomorrow's inquest. Thank you for being brave enough to start this thread.