"You Light The Skies Up Above Me, A Star So Bright You Blind Me" Remembering all our precious children.

[fioled]

For my beautiful baby Anabelle Violet, loved and missed to the moon and back, always xxx How hard we wish that you were here baby girl.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky.

For all our babies and children, big and small xx

mrsd in what ways do you feel more introverted?

i only really feel comfortable around people ive known along time.
im weary of new people and dont want to expose myself to the hurt

but even the people ive know years and love, do say the clumsiest things

just feel like i used to be and optimistic upbeat happy outgoing person and im simply not like that anymore, i tend to avoid social things alot, whereas i never used to

thanks mrs d, yes its ecatley that sort of thing, the constant parties from school friends, where your not even sure if your expected to stay or what, then if you are, you feel you have to make small talk for 2 hours, its like hell for me tbh.
i try to avoid it as much as possible

i can understand the blurtng out, its like you know your gonna have to explain, so you try and get it over with asap
and it comes all blurting out

i can see how you find it so difficult explaing all your different circumstanes ((()))

i'm not actually on fb, which is lucky for me really, all i can see from it from friends that have shown me theres and who we both know whos on it etc.
it seem to me to be a thing to show off on, its all look at me,look at my fabulous life, and since fb became so popular, people seem to do this keeping up apprenence type thing more.
uless its just me and im actually incredably bitter

DS's birthday has been blighted by a joyful letter from the council. Since ATOS retro-actively denied DH's claim for ESA after his assessment in August, the council queries his entitlement to the council tax benefit he claimed while Aillidh was ill. They want to see proof of income from March. Haahaa! Here you go, you mo' fo's!

I'm sat here crying drafting a cover letter to them, during which I will also show them: her discharge forms for the paltry 3 fucking weeks she got to be home in the 8 months before her death, her bill from the funeral director and the receipt, a title deed to the burial lair, her death certificate, her DLA letters and then the letters from DWP and HMRC recognising her registered death and adjusting the payments accordingly and her lovely death certificate and its 3 primary causes of death: Respiratory Failure, Interstitial Pneumonitis/Pneumonia, Acute Myeloid Leukaemia.

Happy Fucking Birthday! Your year of hell just got longer, son. You lost your sister, your mothers a walking corpse and now we have a fight on our hands.

And YY, I'm a major introvert now.

We went for the first night of ceilidh dancing back in September, me and DD2, and one lady said, 'I thought you had do girls?' and I just blurted out, 'I have, but the other one, Aillidh, died of leukaemia in July.'

Poor thing! She was shocked to the core and mortified and spent the rest of the night apologising.

I felt like such a tool.

oh expat i wish i could help you in some way, i don't even know what atos or esa are, but i can see your really distressed, do you think posting for help on the main boards, like in say chat, you might beable to find people that know about this stuff.
all i can think is there must be some help somewhere but i have no idea where to try
do you hvae citizens advice up there?

i feel because ds died the same day he was born, very shortly after, people just seem to forget about him, or at least they pretend to, but they actually geniunely seem to forget

There is help here, white, I don't worry about that.

But my mother rang me today and she is a Romney supporter and made conversation with me and I had to tell her: I am an atheist. You vote how you want don't God bother me or we are through. She said, 'How? Don't you think you'll see her again?' No, no I don't. I think when you die you stop, and that is enough for me. There's nothing. It's like the guy on that show about Treblinka, one of only 3 surviving Jews who worked there and who found the clothes of his two sisters there, 'I looked for God. I begged for him. All I saw was blue Polish sky and I realised, there is nothing.' So do I.

I told her I wanted none of their money, even though now we are facing eviction. Let them evict us. We'll get a cheap caravan and live on the road. I've done it before. When the time comes I will end this life for me. She said for me to stay alive. For her? Ha! She is 30 years older than I. If fate wills it, I will die by my own hand once my younger child is old enough to remember and have learned his life lessons well.

Because I am one of life's losers. I had no right to be born, and every, every bit of it has gone awry since I reached adulthood and I had no wish to visit myself on my own children. If I live to be 50 it will be what others call a miracle but that is enough for me.

Believe me, my children are better off without my visiting myself on them and believe me, it is none good and all bad.

EVERY single bit of joy went out of our lives the moment she died and it is not coming back. There is only existence, till I end my days and their father dies of lung cancer or COPD, whichever takes him first. He already coughs away.

expat, you sound so devoid of hope. And life IS shit. But I do believe you will see her again. I can't prove it to you, if I could, I would. But I know it and I think you know it too. No-one ever found God by looking skyward, where ever that sky was, over Poland, over Scotland, over Antarctica. I don't know if anyone ever found God at all. But the dead do make themselves known from time to time.
God or no God, I wouldn't vote Romney either! And no-one has the right to make you homeless.

oh expat (((())))
i really wish i had some wise words to comfort you, i really really do
i can feel your pain, it just doesnt make any sense to me, life doesnt make sense ot me anymore
it doesnt make sense how some people suffer so much, have whole lives full of terrible tragey and worry and dispair.
sorry i can't even spell well, i do do mean well, i truely do

i'd like to think i will see ds again, but i simply can'r believe this is what fate held in store for me, i can only beleive its massive bad luck

i really hopeby the time your youngest gets old enough[well i hope way before that] for you to consider,dying by your own hand, things will have improved, i know your heart will hurt forever, but i hope you will be well supported and things will truely get easier for us all in time

do you think theres anything else that could help in the mean time, is there anything that helps lift your mood at all, liek excersise even if only power walking, or reading or are there simply tv programmes you like, ir food you enjoy.
would talking to your gp or some antidepressants help at all,or even smartians? i know what you want is your darling girl back, i know that
just so so worried about you

is there anything i can do to help you, i wish i lived near and coudl come round and just give you a hug

hey expat just had another thought, do you ever get any comfort from music?

thinking of you xxx

hope you get some rest tonight expat, i shall check in on you tomorrow

I can't sleep as usual. Find the nights the worse

Still awake and some completely stoned arsewipe in the stair all stoned out.

white, she never had a hope, anyhow. Nor do I. My life is a catalogue of incompetence, failure, bad luck, misfortune and regret. Now I am nearly 42. To be honest, I'm so sick in the head and tired I no longer care much above seeing those other two to school and whatnot.

There isn't any hope for me. There never was in the first place. The purpose of my life is to serve as a warning to others, so believe you me, I will clear off as soon as I can if nothing finishes me off first. And I don't care to stay alive for the sake of my mother in her 70s now and thousands of miles away. She has the life of fucking Riley. I have despair, continual extreme financial troubles, debt, poor wages, ill luck, sickness and death. I die, she'll keep on chugging but I'll be free of all this fucking misery. I haven't lived there since I was 18 back in 1989, she can let go like a bird with a twig and keep on going.

My kids, they are far better off without me in adulthood, I am a magnet for bad luck, bad finances, bad everything.

Oh expat. You sound so bleak. And with that multitude of misfortune, I can completely understand why. However, I simply cannot feel that you were put on this earth to serve as a beacon of warning to others. No, not at all. Never. Not inside or outside any belief system.

You have said that you are "so sick in the head and tired" and of course, it is not surprising. But I have two requests for which I would ask for your tolerance -

Firstly, please realise that your love, your strength, your eloquence during Ailidh's illness brought together so many people here. Her story, told through you, touched so many hearts. I remember being on holiday in Wales, crying my eyes out for you all. Now I can imagine you dismissing this simply because, despite everything, Ailidh died. She hasn't benefitted, nor have you. But you were truly a beacon of love, the proudest mother, even if you refuse to acknowledge it, and it brings you no joy. You and Ailidh gave many other mothers a chance to reflect and to love better. To me, you are not a warning, but someone who is going through the worse nightmare imaginable, and your courage and sheer fortitude is to be admired and emulated.

Secondly, on a practical note, if I may, I'd like to ask that if a financial solution could be found to solve your housing and debt issues, would you be willing to accept it? I don't want to hurt your pride, especially as you have said that you won't accept money from your mother, but if this aspect of your lives could be made easier, I sincerely think that there must be a way to resolve this.

I just don't want to see you beaten down any further. I'd also like to see you given the opportunity to have hope again, even the faintest flicker.

Oh expat, I just missed you last night. Thought of you first thing when i woke

I wish I was better with words but I shall still try my best

You are an amazing woman, the things you've been through no human should have to go through. I certainly do not believe for even a second, that your here as a warning to others. No way
I sometimes wonder if our purpose is simply to try and help others and that you do in shedloads
I guess you have heard of the site mse
There's lots of information on there and really helpful people, that know how to sort out money worries. I think if we firstly concentrate on sorting out your housing problems that would be a good start .perhaps we need to break everything down into small chunks so its not so overwhelming
Im probably the least intelligent person on here but I do my best to help you and ill be there for you
To talk to listen and understand
I'm right here with you
You are not alone

Expat are you in private rented Or council ?

Also how about the shelter website again imure you've heard of them but could be a start x x

Expat I keep starting this message then deleting it....searching for the 'right words' and unable to find them.

After Matt died I turned to a bottle. I was drinking a bottle of Gin every day. Both myself and my DH lost our jobs, massive debts everywhere. After 6 months of doing this I went upstairs one night to check on Danny (he was 10 at the time) he had cried himself to sleep. I looked at him and that was the day I stopped drinking so much. I realised that no matter what had happened and what was still happening he needed me. He truly needed me.....and I needed him.

I identify with your words so much and I have no idea how to help you. I just wanted you to know that I have walked the path you are walking now....and, somehow, life has improved.

Keep talking to us......talking and being listened to is so important. Sending my love to you xxx

Expat I couldn't not post. I don't know you but your strength, intelligence, humour and love for your children is so apparent. There is so much more to you ? and FOR you ? than the bad luck and tragedy that has come your way though it may not seem like it right now. No way would your children be better off without you. NO WAY. You fought so hard for Aillidh and I bet you do the same for your other two in a million different ways on a daily basis. I know it feels as though the fight and the hope have all been knocked out of you - I feel that way too, trust me I do, I feel so old right now ? but I do believe that we can come back from the darkest of places, given time, and the right kind of help and support. Please do take it where it's offered and if it's not offered, ask for it. It's so hard if you're a proud person, but this is a state of emergency and normal rules and protocols don't apply!

Shabs so. Good to hear from someone who has walked this path, but is further ahead on the path, to hear that somehow it has improved.
So glad you decided to stop drinking so much, how did you manage that Was it just one step at a time? Or did you just stop

Expat I'm not sure about you,but that's one of the only things to give me hope hearing from others going through this, that say it does improve.

I stopped there and then. But it was so very difficult. I do still have a drink now - try to keep it to weekends though. I really hate the saying that 'time heals' BUT it kind of does.....it softens the horrible memories and you learn to laugh again without feeling guilty. However, the longing to see them again increases. The longing floods in at every family celebration and most of all at Christmas. I have learnt to pin on a smile. I am not saying any of it is easy because it isin't. It just improves...little by little.....day by day xx

Expat, seeing your messages last night I didn't know what to post. I still don't really. Nothing that anyone can say can ease your pain. I remember people asking me what they could when my daughter died, I told them that unless they could turn back time or raise the dead, there was nothing they could do.

What I will say is, that eight months down the road, things are different. I am no longer in the freefall of horror at what has happened. I feel like I am slowly coming to. Life is gradually coming into focus again. You sound to be in such a dark place, would you consider talking to your GP if you haven't already? I found couple and individual counselling helpful and have and would consider ADs if I thought they would help.

I cannot imagine what it must be like to live through so much treatment, months in hospital and then the death of your child. To then have a shower of shite visited on you by what sounds like totally incompetent benefits and other staff must be intolerable. I know that you have been writing a letter, but I would urge you to get an appointment to visit your housing officer and talk to them face to face. The letters you have been getting may well be automatically generated from the system that your council/HA is using. Get to the people in the system, they have a duty to help you whether that be through emergency loans, advice, benefits or other help. Once they see you as a person and a family rather than a name on a computer screen, hopefully they will understand that you are in a situation entirely out of your control, compounded by unhelpful advice and actions from the benefits people.

I don't think that you are on this Earth to serve as a warning to others. Throughout Aillidh's illness you were absolutely amazing in raising awareness of AML and how people could help by donating bone marrow. I know that in the end this didn't help save your beautiful girl, but you could just as easily have sat back and done nothing, catatonic. You didn't, and that is a testament to your love and your immense strength of character. And I know that love is also there for your other two children, who need and love you so, so much. I cannot believe that they would be better off without you in adulthood.

If I could reach through the screen and hug you right now, I so would. From all of the other messages here I think we'd all do the same. xx