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Bereavement

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Original poster

I feel all flat and numb and low

101 replies

giraffesCantFitInThePalace · 13/07/2012 20:17

I need to cry, I need to break this numbness thing. I need to go to asda. I need to do something constructive. i feel like I am an evil bitch because I am not crying and sobbing. I miss Aillidh loads. But I feel so low. I had it in my head I had to be ok for work so on Sunday I made an effort to focus on work and be ok, so Monday to Thursday managed. Now its friday and I am allowed to cry and wail but something os holding me back. I nearly cried the other night because my pillow was uncomfy. I am not letting myself think of certain feelings, I am in some sort of robotic mode.

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 13/07/2012 20:20

You were a huge support to Expat and her family - and probably put aside your own grief. But you're right, you need to cry. Have you thought about writing down your memories of the last few weeks?

Love and hugs coming your way - and thinking of you all tomorrow.

x

BombasticAghast · 13/07/2012 20:23

It's totally normal to feel like this Giraffes.

Something totally random will set you off and then you won't be able to stop crying for a while.

Be kind to yourself. Really kind.

Huge love and hugs coming your way.

worrywortisworrying · 13/07/2012 20:26

It is OK to feel like this.

As BOmbastic said, be kind to yourself. Very very kind.

x

thefirstmrsrochester · 13/07/2012 20:37

I think that you have been the greatest support that anyone could wish for or dream of. Flat/low/numb - all emotions, not lack of. Its clear from your post that your heart is breaking. Its what the heart is feeling that counts. Much love to you Giraffes for tomorrow and for the days to come x

NomNomingiaDePlum · 13/07/2012 20:48

sounds like grief to me - it's mainly not the crying till you can't breathe, more the film between you and the world, and the ache in your diaphragm. i'm so sorry. waiting it out, trying to keep going, that's all you can do. be gentle with yourself.

stickyj · 13/07/2012 20:52

You have every right to be down, every right to be sad/upset/angry. You were "our" voice to Exapt and Ailidh. You have as much right, as much right and even more right to grieve because you got to be with them. You were with the whole family throughout their ordeal and we all relied on you to be our connection.

When someone dies, there's a loss because everyone that's outside has nothing to do anymore, nothing practical because all that is left to do is get through the funeral and grieve.

You still have work to do and I believe you are meant to do it - you have known Expat, you have been with Ailidh personally and you were in her "world".

We are all awestruck in how brave not only she was but how Leigh and her family coped and is still coping with their loss. You have the knowledge to be with them, to know little things like their favourite bread etc etc. I wish I could be there just to "do" something.

You have to let yourself be sad, you have been so strong and now it's your time to be quiet/sad etc xx Keep posting, there are lots of others on here who have been where you are xx

stickyj · 13/07/2012 21:00

Someone else said this, maybe you can write down your perceptions and take on the time you were all together. It would help you and there may have been times when you were with Alidh that no-one else was. Those were precious stolen moments and in time, Leigh may want you to mention them, may want you to tell her things her baby girl said to you that maybe she couldn't have said to people. Just a touch of her "snuggly dog" in response to a word, that would make a world of difference to Leigh and Andrew.

A word that she said, asmile that she gave to something rabndom, that would make a world of difference to her Mum's life, you had that time with her and you were blessed.

You were chosen, absolutely, you were chosen. I think everyone here just thanks you xx

JustFabulous · 13/07/2012 21:04

Oh Giraffes Sad.

You did an amazing thing and we are all greatful but you need to look after yourself and let what needs to happen, happen. But equally don't worry about when it will come. It will.

Original poster
giraffesCantFitInThePalace · 13/07/2012 21:16

I was on holiday from work in the 2 weeks before she died, she died on the Saturday night and I went back to work on the monday and knew i had to be ok. In those 2 weeks she was in ICU and I was either at hospital or home sleeping, ready to go back up. And those 2 weeks were really emotional. Now I just feel flat.

OP posts:
JustFabulous · 13/07/2012 21:18

Of course you do. You had a purpose and a plan for each day and it became your focus. Now you have time to grieve but haven't got to the point of being able too yet.

mumat39 · 13/07/2012 21:26

Giraffes, am thinking of you still too.

You are an amazing friend to the expat family, and especially to Aillidh.

You have been amazingly strong and together and just there when you are asked to be. I didn't know Aillidh and I don't know her family, other than from the Facebook updates and the MN updates.

I hope this isn't too wierd but I feel as if I have lost someone dear to me too even though I don't know the family and didn't know Aillidh. You were there, so it's no wonder you are feeling such a mix of emotions and feelings. When the time comes, I'm sure you will cry. Please look after yourself and allow yourself to grieve in which ever way you need to. Please don't be hard on yourself - you are amazing and I am in awe of the way in which you helped so much at such a difficult time.

I will be thinking of you all tomorrow and will pray for Aillidh and will also try and blow some bubbles in the garden with my DC at the time of her mass.

Much love and big hugs to you. xxxx

chipmonkey · 13/07/2012 21:58

Giraffes,
I think all of us, and especially you were all on almost a spiritual high, praying and willing her to get better. I know I was and you were right there physically too.
So then she died, after all that hoping and wishing and praying. And I think it has hit us for six.
The other thing is, Giraffes, that you lost your little girl too. And you know the pain that your dear friends are going through. And although I've never met expat, I have always been very fond of her posts and thought she was the most wonderful funny MNer. And I don't want her to feel the pain I felt when we lost our daughter. I don't want anyone in the world to feel like that. And sometimes your mind sort of shuts down so that you don't feel the pain and what's left is that dull numbness. Sad
And you knew Aillidh, you were a lovely auntie to her. You held her hand, you showed her pictures, you read to her. You were there when she needed you. And now, you must feel that desolation of not being "needed" by her because it was so all-consuming.
You have been totally selfless in all of this, totally. You are one of life's troopers. I'm sure Aillidh looks over you now while you sleep and her spirit holds your hand.

Original poster
giraffesCantFitInThePalace · 13/07/2012 22:40

I need a copy of the book I read her when she was in ICU. I read her evry story, a wee bit at a time, and after we were told she was going I read her the last story in the book.

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 13/07/2012 23:13

What story was it, giraffes?

Original poster
giraffesCantFitInThePalace · 13/07/2012 23:15

I know she has gone, I saw her fade the last few weeks especially. And I stroked her leg as she died and I saw her after she had died and was dressed. But I still feel like its not real. How does that work?

I want to go back and do that night again to FEEl that emotion again because right now I just feel empty and numb and low and in some ways it is worse than the intense sadness that night. At least that night I could do something, now I am just sitting here and feel everything is pointless.

OP posts:
Original poster
giraffesCantFitInThePalace · 13/07/2012 23:17

It was enchanted tales or something like that, big hard back book. had story about a magic harp, a magic tree and others.

OP posts:
Original poster
giraffesCantFitInThePalace · 13/07/2012 23:17

the harp was a singing harp. the last story was about a dragon

OP posts:
trumpton · 13/07/2012 23:19

Oh Giraffes you gave so much and I just want you to know that all through the land candles are burning for the children who have gone before us.

PissyDust · 13/07/2012 23:22

You were amazing and you are now drained. Give yourself time and keep posting

ExitPursuedByABear · 13/07/2012 23:23

The tears will come eventually giraffes, maybe tomorrow, or some time in the future. I held my Mum's hand as she passed away, and I didn't really cry then, probably haven't much since actually, but I came to terms with it in my own way, as you will.

Be kind to yourself, and much love and hugs for tomorrow.

trumpton · 13/07/2012 23:43

Did the book cover have a picture of a giant with a witch dancing on his hand ? if so I might be able to get a copy.

strictlycomedancingdiva · 14/07/2012 00:35

Giraffes, remember you are amazing.

Take care of yourself x

Northernlurker · 14/07/2012 00:52

I think you're exhausted sweetheart. You've kept it together for so long and done such a hard thing. You must be so tired. Get through tomorrow and then see where you are.
I think we expect grief to be quite dramatic but it isn't really. It's just incredibly draining and it goes on and on and there is a weight sitting on your chest all the time and it just pushes you down. You need to sleep if you can and keep eating and drinking. The tears will fall when they need to, the rest of the time just hold on. It will ease up.

Nyx · 14/07/2012 01:35

Hi Giraffes. You will be mentally and emotionally exhausted. Be kind to yourself x

Was the book perhaps by Joan Aiken, it sounds like one of her story collections - The Last Slice of Rainbow or some such. If that rings a bell let me know, as I have quite a few of them and if I have it, it's yours. Take care xx

Original poster
giraffesCantFitInThePalace · 14/07/2012 02:33

nope not that one, but thanks nyx

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