I feel all flat and numb and low

[giraffesCantFitInThePalace]

I need to cry, I need to break this numbness thing. I need to go to asda. I need to do something constructive. i feel like I am an evil bitch because I am not crying and sobbing. I miss Aillidh loads. But I feel so low. I had it in my head I had to be ok for work so on Sunday I made an effort to focus on work and be ok, so Monday to Thursday managed. Now its friday and I am allowed to cry and wail but something os holding me back. I nearly cried the other night because my pillow was uncomfy. I am not letting myself think of certain feelings, I am in some sort of robotic mode.

Oh love :( words cannot help abd they are all so insignificant.

Thinking off you today x

my top has giraffes on it

You're an amazing lady, take care x

You have been there for expat for so long. If i ever had to watch my dd go through what expat had to, i would want someone like you to help me.

X

This book?

Be kind to yourself, Giraffes. You are probably emotionally drained after the last weeks.
x

Sending love d

Can you get signed off work? You must be exhausted. You have given so much of yourself, you need to look after yourself too.

Nope not that book. Was primary colour type not pinky.

I am off my voluntary work. I was offered time off my normal work, will see. Am off until Tuesday now.

I feel like I am getting all ready for something then I remember what it is I am getting ready for.

Oh giraffes :( i am in tears at the sadness in your posts. Its so unfair. X

I am pretty much ready now. I feel sick. I want to leave now but I dont want to cos i dont want to go, I dont want it to be happening. My top has rows of giraffes on it

Giraffes - your mind is in crisis mode. Try to accept this. It has sent a shut-down signal to your emotions because it realises a serious trauma has happened. It's its way of protecting itself. Sometimes, after a bereavement, people can't remember what a loved one looks like, can't see their face, and it's part of the same mechanism. It does lift. But please do accept it for what it is - as much a part of the body's healing mechanism as a scab forming so the skin can mend underneath. I know it's not what you want to happen, but it's what your body has decided is for the best, and you can't fight nature

After my mum died, I went through this strange feeling too. But I also felt that I should be crying and grieving in a particular way. The lesson I learnt then was that there is no set way that you should grieve. Everyone is different.

You may cry, you may not - you may cry in the weeks and months to come, you may not. It doesn't mean that you're not grieving.

For me, the best analogy I can make is that it was like having a really full balloon, but only letting a little air out every now and then.

Be kind to yourself. You have been phenomenally kind to Ailidh, Expat and her family. You deserve to be kind to yourself now.

You might also want to consider bereavement counselling. It was very helpful for me to come to terms with how I was feeling (or not feeling, IYSWIM).

That sounds like one my daughter has by Enid Blyton, does that sound the right one?

Is it any of these?

or this one?

Look after yourself Giraffes, it will take time to feel 'normal' again let it happen at its own pace x

Giraffes, I'd really like to give a bloody big hug right now

You are, and have been the most amazing human being I've ever 'known'.

Be kind to yourself, be what you will be.

I'll be keeping you all in my thoughts today, as that darling girl continues her journey.

or this?

Giraffes, I can only agree with everything others have said here.

You were there for Ex-pat and Aillidh in their desperate hour of need. You probably can't cry because you have held it together for so long, you may have felt that you had to be that tower of strength to both of them and perhaps you breaking down you wouldn't have been any good for them. (I felt like this watching others around me trying to keep it together).

It is now your time to let go too, scream, shout, cry out at the unfairness of it all. Cry too for your own precious child (so so sorry ). Just let it come naturally, your heart must be aching like most of us will never know. You have been where Ex-pat is now, and though the loss of your own precious daughter, you have been amazing and as someone else said, you have been our voice.

I hope for your sake you managed a good cry today. If not, you might find something as simple as not being able to find the keys at the bottom of your bag or the last parking space gone, will set you off.

Be kind to yourself Giraffes and when that grief finally spills over have a virtual {{{hug}}} from me.
XX

When someone you love dies it feels like the rug has been pulled out from under, and the focus has gone out of it. Suddenly the person that tied you all together has been taken away and the feelings of loneliness, pointlessness and inadequacy are huge in my experience.

You sadly have more experience than most of what it is like, but you must remember to look after yourself, allow yourself the space to scream and shout and not expect to suddenly pick up the pieces like nothing has happened. Take as much time as you are allowed from work, allow yourself to wrap the grief around you, don't fight it and don't be ashamed if you do lose control. I feel really strongly that the societies which display grief out loud and in public are on the right track rather than the somewhat "grit your teeth" style of grieving in this country. Give in to what you feel, don't fight it - and eventually it becomes less raw. All the best on a very sad day.

Hope the day went as well as it could have gone, Giraffes. You are an inspiration: what a true friend should be. Thank you for being our go-between, and link to Aillidh's world.

My Dad died 6 weeks ago and I feel much the same as you do. My world is fundamentally altered, but I look and act the same as before. It is what it is - and it will be what it will be. You loved her, and that's enough.

Take care of yourself.

TMD xxx

Still thinking about you, expat and family

My first husband died from lymphoma and I loved him to the very core of my being, I felt numb for about 18mths and felt so ashamed of not being able to cry. I think it's your minds way of protecting you until you are ready to grieve, little things made me cry til I was almost sick such as three lightbulbs blowing in one day or seeing his mineral water in the supermarket. Don't think about what you feel just feel it grief is unique and we all respond differently. So sorry you are going through this.

We were at the pub until midnight lastnight - we toasted lots of drinks :) Am off to pick up psychomum and go for lunch then we will pop round to see expat.

I cried lots yesterday - was a releif to cry!

Wishing you all a restful and peaceful day x x