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Original poster

I feel all flat and numb and low

101 replies

giraffesCantFitInThePalace · 13/07/2012 20:17

I need to cry, I need to break this numbness thing. I need to go to asda. I need to do something constructive. i feel like I am an evil bitch because I am not crying and sobbing. I miss Aillidh loads. But I feel so low. I had it in my head I had to be ok for work so on Sunday I made an effort to focus on work and be ok, so Monday to Thursday managed. Now its friday and I am allowed to cry and wail but something os holding me back. I nearly cried the other night because my pillow was uncomfy. I am not letting myself think of certain feelings, I am in some sort of robotic mode.

OP posts:
MiaAlexandrasmummy · 15/07/2012 11:38

giraffe, so glad that the celebration of Aillidh's life provided you with some relief yesterday. I am sure it would have been incredibly hard, but beautiful and amazing at the same time.

I would hazard a guess that you are feeling her loss doubly - as a friend who loves her, but also as a mother who has been through this terrible experience, and you know how expat is feeling. It must evoke so many feelings and memories of your own little girl too - no wonder you are in torment

Remember, you have every right to grieve. You love Aillidh, you love expat, and you want to protect them both from pain and harm. And you might feel you are helpless to do so... but you are helping them both, by being there, by being an amazingly selfless, wonderful friend. Be gentle on yourself. xx

madmouse · 15/07/2012 16:55

So glad you cried Giraffe, I know it bothered you x

Original poster
giraffesCantFitInThePalace · 15/07/2012 20:24

I had a lovely day today - I picked up psychomum and we went to lunch, art galleries, then to visit exapt and we watched videos of Aillidh and I took her ds out for a walk and played with him. And then psycho and I went to xscape for a wander and dinner.

Was a nice day in a strange way - nice to be able to chat about Aillidh.

Am glad I didnt sit in house alone all day. Anyway I dropped psycho at the airport. And am now going to relax this evening.

Thanks for your kind words. Its the horrible feeling of knowing some of the pain expat is feeling and at the same time knowing I cant help take it away.

OP posts:
mumat39 · 15/07/2012 21:07

Giraffes, big hugs and lots of love to you. xxxxx

Thumbwitch · 16/07/2012 00:23

Glad you managed to release the tears, Giraffes - hope it helped even a teeny bit. And I am glad that you have good memories of the day for Aillidh too - I think it does help with the coping process, because it partially replaces some of the dreadfulness of the day she died (did with me for my Mum anyway).

((((hugs)))) for you - you're the best friend anyone could hope for. xx

Original poster
giraffesCantFitInThePalace · 16/07/2012 20:27

Am still struggling to do normal every day tasks. Dreading work tomorrow on some levels but also dont think I could take another day sitting here.

OP posts:
Shirazyum · 16/07/2012 22:16

Be as kind to yourself as you are to others. Please. Xxx

eightytwenty · 16/07/2012 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chipmonkey · 16/07/2012 22:26

giraffes, don't worry about the everyday tasks. Takeaways and ready-meals are fine but just make sure you eat something. I do think as well that fresh grief can also drag up old grief. A few weeks after my dd died, I remember one day breaking down and crying over my Dad, who had been dead nine years. A lot of this is probably dredging up your feelings of loss for your own dd, too xx

Original poster
giraffesCantFitInThePalace · 16/07/2012 22:39

I miss expat too, seen her every single day - sometimes all day, for past month and before that was every 2/3 days for months. Now wont see her until Friday as too far away to pop up after work.

In some ways I want to be left alone, but in others I do need to be forced to do stuff. I am just plodding a wee bit at a time for now. She was so so terribly ill at then end, and I saw all of that, and I am glad that terrible surrfering has ended, but I really thought she would get better and be back running about.

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 16/07/2012 22:43

babysteps, giraffes, my love, babysteps. xx

chipmonkey · 16/07/2012 22:44

And don't you worry, you and expat will be friends for life. You'll be sick of the sight of her before long! Wink

Original poster
giraffesCantFitInThePalace · 16/07/2012 23:33

back to my sleeping on the sofa phase.

OP posts:
WinstonWolf · 16/07/2012 23:51

Lots of love to you Giraffes.

Make sure you're taking care of yourself :)

Shirazyum · 16/07/2012 23:52

Sofas can be just what is needed. Do you have a fluffy fleecy throw?

Original poster
giraffesCantFitInThePalace · 17/07/2012 19:37

Yes I have a special lilac blanket and netto gave me a snuggie the other week - so extra snuggled on sofa.

I went swimming before work this morning as I was up and couldnt cope with being in the house. I am in from work and I am in tears, being in the house is really difficult, I seem to fall to bits. There is shite on tv. And so much I could be doing round the house but I dont have the motivation to do it.

At work all day I was fine. A bit sad, but generally ok.

Whenever I get home I fall to bits, and I dont think anyoen who saw me during the day would have any idea how I am at home.

The idea of another few hours until bed time seems awful.

OP posts:
Elephantscantdothemoonwalk · 17/07/2012 20:37

I constanly think of you and expat. I wish i was able to help

Original poster
giraffesCantFitInThePalace · 17/07/2012 21:46

thanks, really cant cope atm

OP posts:
FarelyKnuts · 17/07/2012 22:01

Giraffes I am thinking of you and sending so much love and care. If all you can do is breathe and get through the next 5mins then that is what you do. No shoulds or ought tos. Just breathe and get through xxx

Elephantscantdothemoonwalk · 18/07/2012 07:41

I really am so sorry. I think of you often. Still pray for you all. Love to you and expat.
Elephants x

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 18/07/2012 17:40

One breath at a time. One step at a time. That's all you can do. xx Coping - no, it's far too early for that. Be gentle on yourself. xx

QuickLookBusy · 18/07/2012 19:41

Giraffes, you have been through so much, you're body is now letting go and that is why you are finding it hard to cope.
What is happening to you is very normal, you have to realise that.
You cannot possible expect to go from the last few months to "back to normal" in a short time.

I supported a friend through the loss of her DD and whilst for months I was strong for her and her family, at home I was a wreck. I felt this way for months and in the end went to the dr, who sent me for some counselling.

It is very early days for you, be kind to yourself, maybe talk to someone in real life and if things get too much please go and speak to your Dr.xx

WinstonWolf · 19/07/2012 14:52

How are you doing giraffes?

Sending you lots of love and strength at this difficult time x

Original poster
giraffesCantFitInThePalace · 19/07/2012 23:50

thank you all.

Fell apart after work again tonight. Went up to cemetary to see Aillidh after work because i couldn't face going home.

Going to travel the long drive then ferry to see expat tomorrow, seems wrong not seeing her and Aillidh every day anymore.

OP posts:
mumat39 · 20/07/2012 00:57

Oh Giraffes, I wish I could give you a big hug. It's heartbreaking.

You are still very much in my thoughts and it's amazing that you have the strength to do what you do everyday, despite feeling like you do. What you're feeling is I'm sure completely ok and you just have to allow yourself to go through it. I hope you have a safe trip to see expat and family and that you feel a bit better for seeing them all.

Sending you much love and lots of virtual hugs. Please take care of yourself. xxxxx