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Original poster

I feel all flat and numb and low

101 replies

giraffesCantFitInThePalace · 13/07/2012 20:17

I need to cry, I need to break this numbness thing. I need to go to asda. I need to do something constructive. i feel like I am an evil bitch because I am not crying and sobbing. I miss Aillidh loads. But I feel so low. I had it in my head I had to be ok for work so on Sunday I made an effort to focus on work and be ok, so Monday to Thursday managed. Now its friday and I am allowed to cry and wail but something os holding me back. I nearly cried the other night because my pillow was uncomfy. I am not letting myself think of certain feelings, I am in some sort of robotic mode.

OP posts:
FarelyKnuts · 20/07/2012 01:34

Still thinking of you xxxx

Shirazyum · 20/07/2012 09:36

Hey Giraffes - how you feeling today? I hope the sun is shining in Scotland....

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 20/07/2012 13:15

giraffe, be safe today in your travels. You are an amazing friend. And falling apart is good, if that's what your body needs to do to help you deal with the loss of beautiful Aillidh. x

Elephantscantdothemoonwalk · 20/07/2012 16:09

I am still thinking of you. Dd had call me maybe on and i broke down she is a angel. Be safe x

Elephantscantdothemoonwalk · 20/07/2012 22:14

Hope today has been kind. Sending love from the bottom.of my heart, elephants. Please keep talking here and.in rl giraffes we are here, someone will always listen xx

giraffesCantTakePartInThe100ms · 22/07/2012 00:27

Thanks.

Today is the first day I have felt a wee bit brighter.

I feel guilty for that though, I know that is mad.

I have been so very very low, I was wondering about going to get some tablets actually. I felt very scarily low and depressed and unable to look forwards to anything. I still feel quite fragile but I had a nice day seeing some family today and frinds this evening - was both evenings I HAD to be at, so forced to go, I probably wouldnt have gone otherwise. Was nice to be out though.

NoComet · 22/07/2012 11:03

All I can send is hugs and the message that you, Expat and family are still in all our thoughts.

DH spent a lot of time in hospital with a friend who died in very similar circumstances to Aillidh. Ten years later he hasn't forgotten. These threads have brought tears to his eyes for Aillidh and for his friend.

Nine year old girls and their fathers aren't meant to die.

They leave foot prints on our hearts, we may think of them less as time goes by, but they will always be there.

giraffesCantTakePartInThe100ms · 22/07/2012 19:05

Poor DH.

I had a bad day again today. Ended up sleeping most of the day. I guess the day isn't over yet though. Going to go for a walk, buy some healthy food, and tidy up a bit.

annalovesmrbates · 22/07/2012 20:08

Giraffes, I was wondering earlier today how you were. You were such an amazing friend to Expat and Aillidh, they were so lucky to have you. i am so sorry to hear that you are feeling so low and hope that you are getting the help and support that you deserve, You are a wonderful person. x
]

giraffesCantTakePartInThe100ms · 22/07/2012 21:13

Thanks. I just went to the shops and bought some fruit, soup, yoghurt and cereal. Oh and some vitamins.

And went for a half hour walk.

Fresh air, exercise and nutricious food. Can't think of anything else I can try to do just now?

Elephantscantdothetriathlon · 22/07/2012 21:15

I still think of you all so often x

Shirazyum · 26/07/2012 22:19

How you doing giraffes? Still here for you all x

expatinscotland · 29/07/2012 20:07

I feel totally numb. I don't have three children anymore. Sure, people will say, 'You always will,' but I don't. I have two.

NomNomingiaDePlum · 29/07/2012 20:17

Sad i am so sorry.

Mellower · 29/07/2012 20:19

I'm so sorry expat, I read your FB posts and see people saying this to you, I think it is because people do not know what to say, Aillidh will always be with you but I know what you mean in your post Sad . I hope someone comes along soon who is better with words as all I feel is incredibly sad for you and another one lost for words.

Still thinking of you daily. x

Badvoc · 29/07/2012 20:21

Expat.
I am so sorry.
Nothing else I can say, other than you are still in my thoughts and prayers x

Frontpaw · 29/07/2012 20:30

One day at a time, you guys. That's all you can do.

Grieving is a hard process, but you get through the black grief and it turns grey after a while. Then it gets a bit brighter. You accept (kind of) and start feeling yourself again. Then you think of that person with a smile rather than tears.

Try to speak about her if you can. Sometimes it can help to feel that she is ever in your thoughts - so you see something quirky and say 'oh, she would have laughed at that!'. Some days you'll set too many places at the breakfast table and spend the whole day in a mist.

It is not fair - but please don't let the negative eat you. I went to the 'why are they (nasty person) alive, when x,y and z aren't?' place and it takes a while to get out of that way of thinking.

You are early days but you will get through it, one day at a time. You will have good days and awful. People will understand and sone will be a comfort but some will just not know what to say or do (and some will therefore take to their heels when they see you coming).

Love and strength to all who live with loss.

Mellower · 29/07/2012 23:20

Sorry Giraffes I didn't reply to you, hope you are okay you were a tower of strength throughout so many highs and lows I hope you are okay!

giraffesCantTakePartInThe100ms · 05/08/2012 21:52

I burst in to tears at work on Thursday. It is really difficult sometimes.

Flat still a mess. Given the choice would lay in bed all day, have to fight really hard with myself not to - although I often fail.

Badvoc · 05/08/2012 21:55

Been thinking of you all today as I do everyday.
Was telling dh about A.
I am still praying and still hoping that time will help you all find some sort of peace after your great loss x

Haemadoots · 05/08/2012 23:06

:( both of you there is nothing that can be said to help, I followed aillidhs updates every day, kept thinking of her, kept hoping,she was a beautiful girl with such an amazing smile,I keep looking at my own dd's every day/night feeling so blessed with them. Dd2 is 3 and her favourite song just now is call me maybe, she wants it on over and over again and each time I am laughing at her singing along and acting silly then I hear giraffes also singing along and feel so sad.

mumat39 · 05/08/2012 23:44

((((((((((giraffes)))))))))

xxxxxx

Elephantscantdothemoonwalk · 14/08/2012 08:07

Still thinking about you. You will grieve.for her and for your dd forever. My close friends son died after suffering with ALL. I was there daily when i could and for 10 hours after work. I still cry for him. I wish it.was.me who had.died and his mum had him he was such a fighter.

Sleep tight joe. Xx

Elephantscantdothemoonwalk · 14/08/2012 08:10

Please giraffes remember that people will listen. Its been 15 years since joe died but i.dream.about.him and.cry for him. He was lile aillidh always smiling up until the end.

He and ailidh, will be angels together now.

giraffesCantGoBackToSchool · 19/08/2012 22:06

I miss you Aillidh.

I held your sister on my knee today and she reminded me so much of you :)