Love, like starlight, never dies - In loving memory of all our darling children gone too soon!

[Bluetinkerbell]

I am the gentle breeze upon your face
The twinkle in the stars
I am the sudden ray of sunshine
That warms your broken heart.

Thank you Whatevertheweather for starting the previous thread! :)

Let this place be a place of support for all of us on this path together, with lots of smiles, lots of tears, lots of hugs and lots of understanding x
A place where 'new' and 'old' bereaved Mums and parents can share their grieve, experiences and memories of their darling children.

A young man with excellent taste in films

I hope you don't mind me asking, but for those of you further along this road, how have you dealt with family and friends who just don't seem to be there for you? I am so disappointed with some people - and even angry in some cases. I feel so let down by them. They just haven't been there for us. I have to let go of it don't I (but how?!), and chalk it up to experience

MrsKwazii I have had to seriously rethink one friendship. She has been really insensitive, refuses to even mention my son existed and apparently "Does not believe in sympathy". I KNOW this woman is a good friend, and if I ever needed any practical help or a fun night out she would be there in a flash. But I now know I can never rely on her for emotional support again. I'm sorry, that is probably not very helpful.

Shabba, TW, thank you. I don't think I realised how bad I felt until I wrote it down. It does help to know this is normal and I am "allowed" to feel like this. It's daft, my husband is wonderful and understanding and supportive, he would be so upset if he thought I was "protecting" him from how I felt. But like Matlida says, I am a coper. I always have been. Or at least I have been blessed enough not to be given anything so far I haven't been able to cope with. Maybe I do need some counselling, to give me some selfish space where I can rant and rave and cry and not worry about anyone else?

I did meet up with my friend, and it was actually brilliant. She is a lovely person, I have known her since school and have really missed her. Her little girl is lovely, though I know I am going to find her birthday hard every year I am glad to be able to be part of her life.

Veronica somedays you will need to read, somedays you will want to post, somedays you will want to be as far away from mumsnet as you can get! None of these things are wrong, you need to think about you and do whatever you need to help you manage each day.

Fioled your video was amazing. Just so much love, so obviously there for your little girl and her brother. This is so hard on Fathers as well. Mine will answer direct questions but we don't really "talk" about things in any meaningful way.

Just popping in to say 'Happy Birthday!' to Matty :)

Love to all x

MrsK, there is one person I will never contact again. I kept making an effort to keep in touch with her over the years but after Sylvie-Rose died, I got one message on FB and then nothing. That's eight months ago now, almost nine.
I won't be contacting her again. I think she does have her own problems but friendships should be two-way and I just realised that it never had been.

On the other hand I have made some lovely friends who stepped up to the plate despite barely knowing me. You win some, you lose some!

You know what mrsk I wish I knew the answer. I don't know how to be helpful either. I don't know how to let it go that people have hurt me in the worst time of my life. DH's father we've not seen now in almost 2 years. He was so vile towards us following B's funeral that we cut him off. He is poisonous and we don't need that in our lives. Even now he goes into DH's mother's place of work (they are divorced) and spits nastiness about us. That we haven't let him see Xander and what not. He sent a text (yes a text!!!) not long after X was born asking to see the baby, and he got a swift f-off. There was no sorry, no nothing. I don't see how he even thinks he deserves to see our precious boy when he was such a vile piece of work when our daughter died.

Then there is DH's mother, who I have a lot of resentment building up for, and I don't know how to stop it. She acts the doting mother/grandmother all over my facebook but in reality she make absolutely no effort and we hardly see her. She didn't acknowledge any of Belle's special days recently, apart from a wall post on DHs facebook in the evening of her birthday. See facebook to me doesn't cut it. It was an important day, she should've rung and checked on her son that day, not send a facebook post. Just so half arsed all the time, and I resent the show on facebook.

Our friendships have changed a lot too. Those who I thought were my best friends 2 years ago, were really not. It really highlights the dynamics in your relationships doesn't it, you really figure out who and what is real.

Ah this is turning into a rant. Basically, I feel let down by some people too and I don't know how to let it go.

Happy Birthday Matty!

And Big Bear hugs to you Shab.

Just found this Eskimo proverb which I thought was lovely:

"Perhaps they are not stars,
but rather openings in heaven
where the love of our lost ones
pours through and shines down upon us
to let us know they're happy."

fioled....hope it is ok to post & say what a truly beautiful, heartfelt & heartbreaking tribute it was to your baby girl Belle. I didn't have the music on as my DS was snoozing next to me....but the love absolutely shone through. x

Raging at my SIL at present. She has not called or written or even bloody texted since before Dexter's funeral. Even then that was just to lay on a passive aggressive guilt trip about us having the funeral on a Wednesday when her kids couldn't make it and they were TERRIBLY UPSET. Phoned up today to tell DH she is having a fallout with their parents but couldn't possibly tell him what it was about. Oh, and also she might come up in the school holidays so could we describe where the grave is so they can visit it?

No no no! I will not tell you where HE is buried as I really don't feel like you are allowed to sneak in and visit HIM without us, since you showed so little interest up to this point! I am not even sure I want you there at all! Your brother has really needed his family and friends around lately as we are having a somewhat shitty time and you have been nowhere in sight. Self centered bitch.

Suspect I am being a little unreasonable and irrational. I have always known she is not exactly a bad person, but has no interest or empathy in anything apart from herself. I have been so angry anyway she hasn't been in touch with DH. What makes it worse is that he doesn't expect any better from her :(

Mecha, people like that make my blood boil and how sad that your dh doesn't expect any better of her.

Today we were at the blessing of the graves in my Dad's parish. Afterwards at the field day we met old neighbours. My Mum told them that my "youngest" is four. Ds4 is not my youngest.

If Sylvie-Rose's own grandmother can't even acknowledge her existence then what hope for keeping her memory alive?

chip had a similar thing today... was reading parish magazine of DH's grandmother, there was an article in there about my MIL which said she has 8 grandchildren... she hasn't... she's got 9! :(

Some of my 'weirdest' moments have been the following:-

Once upon a time, before children, I was Shabbs!!

Then I became - the lady who had those twins that the doctors only found out just before she was having them that there were two!!!

The lady who had those twins and she lost the little one.

The lady who had twins and lost the little one and has had another little boy.

The lady who had twins, lost one, had another little boy and now he has died.

and on and on and on. I actually overheard a useless HV saying the last sentance to a trainee as we were about to pass each other in our local town. Many people really, really dont have a clue do they? My final title when I had Tom just before I was 41 was.......

The lady who had twins, lost one, had another, he died and now she has had another lad (all that said with shocked expressions and raised eyebrows)

Do you ever feel invisible?

you must feel famous Shabbs

Something like that

Have no idea why HV didn't just say 'This is Shabbs, I have been her HV for years.' and then fill the trainee in with all the 'gory' details afterwards.

I'm already dreading the congratulations with your 2nd child messages! I've already got 2 lovely girls! Or if it's going to be a boy, the one of each sentences...

Blue I really, really know how hard it is to correct people. But in my experience you have to. I always say 'I am a very lucky mum I have had four sons.' Then if they ask or if I feel like doing it I may explain. You have to correct people but, as I said, I really know how difficult it can be. xxx

blue so sorry - hope it was the journo mistake rather than your MIL saying that... But I agree with shabba, I will always correct people. But yes, I have a similar fear about this baby... boy or girl. I can hear it now "So it's your first?" Erm, no.

chip did you say anything to your Mum afterwards? I would have been so hurt.

Why is it so hard for some people to remember and acknowledge our children?? We have a friend who sent us a congratulations card about this pregnancy, and she blabbed on about how "just as the love you have for one another nurtures you, so you will nurture this new life" - but not a single mention of Mia. What, so we didn't nurture her?? She is an long-term friend of DH, and she never mentions Mia, and it has really caused me to feel very antagonistic towards her, so I have asked him to write to her and explain that we feel awkward in the way she deliberately avoiding talking about Mia, even when we do.

mecha how unnecessarily awkward and cruel for you. Maybe just avoid answering her questions, or if asked directly, say that it is a personal place for you at the moment, and you would prefer not to share it just yet...

We are away on holiday this week, and I was really quite sad packing the car yesterday - simply because we can fit our stuff into our smaller car, and that hasn't happened since before Mia was born. DH had a big cry about Mia this morning, I think mainly because he has the time now we are away to acknowledge his grief.

Mias, I did say something to my Mum. We are not really a family who "talk" but I had to say something.
I braced myself and said "ds4 is not my youngest"
She said "Oh well, you know......."
And I said "He just ISN'T"
And that is just about the deepest conversation I have ever had with my Mum.

Later, I was talking to the older boys in the car and ds1 said I was taking what my Mum said "too seriously". He is just a teenager. How can he get how bad is is? So I explained that I was not angry, just hurt.
Later I was at home watching the Euro finals with ds2 and ds4. I talked to ds2 and explained that I was sorry for going on but that ds4 would never be the youngest again. Just as if anything, God forbid, happened to ds1, then ds2 would not just become "the eldest". I said ds4 would always have a little sister. Ds4 said "You mean Sylvie-Rose?"
I said "Yes"
Ds4 said "She's the youngest?"
And I said "Yes"
And he said "So I'm the smartest?"
And I said "Yes, you're the smartest"
Well, I couldn't really argue, could I?

My dd was asked recently if she was looking forward to being a big sister. She told them she was already a big sister. Whenever she draws a picture of the family she draws her brother and she talks about him all the time.
I'm going to follow her lead. I agree, you have to correct people or you'll just feel rubbish later.

On a much sadder note. Not sure if I have told you ladies here BUT my Mum has alzheimers. She was diagnosed a few months ago. Normally, when it is one of my boys birthdays or remember days she always, always rings me. Then my Mam & Dad come up to my house with some yellow roses. We sit together and have a good old talk about how much we miss them and the funny things they did. Saturday I had no phone call and no visit. A small part of me is very glad she cant remember Matts birthday but a massive part of me wants my Mum to come and hold me close. What to do? Nothing I can do. xx

Shabba I am so sorry to hear about your mum. I wish I had something amazing to say that would help. A stranger from the internet is thinking about you and wishing you well xx

It is not that I don't want my SIL to visit Dexter, it was just the way she was phrasing everything. He is a HIM not an IT. And she does not get to slink in and slink away again without acknowledging us as well. He is part of our family, and she can be too if she likes, but she has to be there for her brother. She does not get to pick and choose and suit herself.

Chip and Blue, we will keep our children's memory alive. Always and everywhere.

This really has made me look again at all my relationships. Some people I was not sure I was close to have been amazing. Old friends I have been out of touch with for a while have been supportive and lovely. But there are one or two who I now know I can never rely on.

I am struggling with how to see myself. Dexter is my son, I love him so much and would have done anything for him. I carried him for 24 weeks and we had him here with us for 12 days, but I just don't feel like a mother. I don't have any other children who need me. Just at a real loose end. All our plans and hopes and dreams are just gone, and I don't really know how to live without him. Not a cry for help, I am not going to do anything stupid. I just have no idea who I am anymore.

Doesn't help that my gallbladder hates me and won't let me sleep!

shabs, Alzheimer's is so bloody cruel. The only thing I will say is that at least your Mum was there for you in the grim early days. I can't really say the same for mine and she has all her faculties. She was here physically but not emotionally.