Love, like starlight, never dies - In loving memory of all our darling children gone too soon!

[Bluetinkerbell]

I am the gentle breeze upon your face
The twinkle in the stars
I am the sudden ray of sunshine
That warms your broken heart.

Thank you Whatevertheweather for starting the previous thread! :)

Let this place be a place of support for all of us on this path together, with lots of smiles, lots of tears, lots of hugs and lots of understanding x
A place where 'new' and 'old' bereaved Mums and parents can share their grieve, experiences and memories of their darling children.

It's so hard though isn't it, if you are one life's "copers" to just let it all fall apart. I had my second counselling session yesterday and she picked up on how responsible I was feeling for everyone else and how I was trying to protect them by not sharing how I feel. She asked me how I was and I just sobbed uncontrollably and incoherently for the entire hour, something I just don't seem to be able to do in front of my family or friends. It wasn't pretty, but I did feel better afterwards! If nothing else, I'm going to view my counselling sessions as somewhere I don't have to put on a brave face and can say exactly what I want no matter how self-pitying or unpalatable it is for others to hear.

Sorry to disappear without acknowledging your beautiful warm welcome, ladies. I just haven't felt able to come back to this thread to post, though believe me your words were precious gems which helped me just a little through some of the saddest things I can ever imagine. I feel like a parasite taking those words and not answering properly, or giving more back. Believe me, I think of you all every day. Although I usuall find writing very therapeutic, at the moment I find myself turning away from it. I think it's all just too raw, and perhaps this isn't the place foe me yet. I hope you understand. I did not mean to take without giving. You are all in my prayers, even if there's 'silence' on the screen.

matilda I did the same , I thought of the sessions as just Harry and me time , it really did help to be able to say what I thought without the guilt of making someone else upset and without them putting their own spin or feelings on to me .

Shabs At least he didn't charge you I suppose , it is scary how honest you can be with a stranger but if a friend asks you then the protecting them thing kicks in , madness really .

veronica please don't feel you need to do anything , we understand x

No need to explain Veronica. I feel the same way too a lot of the time. Trouble is, nowhere feels like the "right place" right now, because it's all so bloody wrong. Thinking of you xx

The weather wasn't kind to us again last night, we went outside to send Belle her lantern and it was really windy so too dangerous to even attempt to send it. Stupid wind. I know it is something I can't control but it really upsets me when we plan to to do these things for her special days and then we can't. It feels like we let her down all over again which I know it bloody ridiculous. It doesn't actually make any difference to her now what we do does it.

Sorry, in a black mood.

I did make a dedication type video for her last night though. I had to do something. It is if you want to look. It made DH howl type sob. I feel awful about that too, he hasn't cried like that since the day she was born. He says it isn't my fault but it feels like it is. He says he hasn't dealt with the memories, and can't deal with the memories. So where as I regularly write about it, he just doesn't scratch beyond the surface so it sits there, and this video triggered him last night. He thinks it was the music because its the music he carried her back out of the church from on at her funeral. Its so beautiful, but it makes me cry too.

I realised we don't really talk about how we're coping or feeling. We talk about her but not our grief, not really. He doesn't want to talk at all because he can't cope with the emotions, I struggle to talk out loud but can write about it. I never know how he's feeling and he only knows how I'm feeling because he reads my blog.

What a mess.

Oh my word Fi - what a beautiful tribute.

I sat here with the headphones on...smiled at some of the pictures and had tears at others. Just glanced around and my hubby is sobbing...and he cant even hear the music. You see - thats what me and my DH do. I keep my smile pinned on and he cries, and we both wish we could be more like each other. He just said to me 'Does that not make you upset.' 'Yes love, but it also shows me the journey my friends are making and how they are doing a brilliant job.' He gave me the look, tutted at me and wandered away.

....and so, all these years down this crappy path, the 'elephant' sits stubbornly and firmly in our living room.

xxx

fioled what a beautiful tribute to your precious Belle! Sat her crying... big hugs for you!
We don't really talk about it either. DH copes in his own way, but he knows that I still struggle with it, specially now, even a year down the line.
Lots of people have talked to me about counselling the last few weeks, and I think it's time I do make the step and look for help.

How lovely, fioled! So very touching. Crying in work!

That video is beautiful Fioled xx

Oh Fioled that video is amazing, truly wonderful. So heartbreaking and inspirational at the same time. I couldn't help but have tears rolling down my cheeks watching it (and now whilst typing). You've honoured Belle so wonderfully, and her little brother looks just like her xx

Beautiful fioled what a special tribute to your beautiful Belle xxx

Happy, happy 28th birthday to my wonderful Matty. Frozen in time forever at 'almost 8 years old.' Love you and miss you all the world my little lad. Hope you and your brother Gaz are having a whale of a time in 'heaven' there are not enough words to explain how we feel. We all miss you but rejoice in your short but full life. Until we meet again my love...until we meet again xxxx

Happy birthday Matty ! X

Happy birthday matty !

I will be grabbing life by the balls today and giving them a good shake in your honour x x

You just made me LOL TW. xxx That was his favourite saying xx

Happy Birthday Matt! There is a beautiful, sunny Scottish summer day in his honor up here.

Happy birthday Marty and ((())) for you Shabba

Sorry Shabba, just seen that my phone has autocorrected your son's name. Happy birthday Matty

Dont worry at all...I just read your message and a massive grin came on my face. Mattys favourite film of all time was 'Back to the future' he must have watched it at least 100 times. He used to say 'Wish my name was Marty!!' He would have loved that xxx

Matty's been at MrsK's autocorrect, shabs!

matty, happy birthday and thank you for all your beautiful wisdom in approaching life with zeal and joy. And huge thanks to his mum for sharing Matty with us. X

Happy Birthday Matty xxx and lots of love to your brilliant Mum xxx

happy birthday matty! love to you shab xx

Happy birthday to Matty. It's a beautiful day xx