Love, like starlight, never dies - In loving memory of all our darling children gone too soon!

[Bluetinkerbell]

I am the gentle breeze upon your face
The twinkle in the stars
I am the sudden ray of sunshine
That warms your broken heart.

Thank you Whatevertheweather for starting the previous thread! :)

Let this place be a place of support for all of us on this path together, with lots of smiles, lots of tears, lots of hugs and lots of understanding x
A place where 'new' and 'old' bereaved Mums and parents can share their grieve, experiences and memories of their darling children.

Hello all, and welcome, isabelmamma so sorry that you have to come hear but as others have said speaking with other mums who have gone through such a loss, really is a tonic.

It has been a very tough few days this week. We got a letter through the post saying that the boys were ready to be collected, I was not prepared for it to be so quick as after the cremation I went into a sort of limbo world where I was neither sad nor happy. I initially didn't want to pick them up straight away (we picked them up today) as I thought that when I did it would be the end and that id suddenly forget everything about the boys (stupid and selfish I know but being in limbo was so much better than being sad and so much better than pretending to be happy). Dh went to pick them up, and when I eventually saw the memory bear that they are in I was and am sooooooooo happy, I have my boys back, its like I have a weight that is slowly being prized of my back, I am still tremendously upset that it has come to this though. I have also written a thank you letter to our funeral directors as they couldn't have been more sweet (I had always imagined them to be morbid "lurch* types).
Dd keeps asking for her brothers ( she found a couple of scan pictures of them when I was going through their memory box and put the pictures on my tummy, of course I burst into tears and couldn't explain really where they were but now at least I can.

I am really hoping that this will be the end but of course I know it's only the first hurdle on a marathon.

Peace to all of you lovely ladies and sorry I am being so soppy and poetic but I am happy for the first time in weeks for all the wrong reasons though (hope that makes sense)

I have also posted pictures on my profile if you wish to see x

I love your post chip it helped me get through the day today. Today is Isabel's one month angelversary, it's a hard day but your post made it easier.

I agree mia the Poem indeed sums up all our thoughts.
Happy Birthday to your DD1 tami your simple bday celebration plan sounds lovely. I guess what matter most to our kids are the presents :). My DD1 didn't remember the big party we had for her 2nd bday but she remembered the stuffed bee toy she got & she love it dearly!

MrsY & fioled good luck to us getting through our special days this week.

Thanks blue for this nice Old Irish blessing.

I've been to the shrink today. We talked about my DD1, he told me not to show my grief too much to her coz she will get affected by it. I might lose her emotionally coz she would think I'm giving too much attention to Isabel & not her. I should also limit my visits to Isabel grave, I should try to reduce it from everyday visits to 3-4 times a week. And if I have DD1 with me then I should make it a shorter stay. I'm not sure I agree with him though.

IsabelMamma I'm sorry but your shrink is talking rubbish! You need to do what is best for you to get through this tough time!
It is not a bad thing showing your grief to DD1! Of course she will be affected by it, but children need to know that whichever emotions adults have, it is part of life! Give her a cuddle when you're sad or crying and explain why... How old is DD1?
You said it yourself, you don't agree with him! So do what feels best for you! x

Kate Love your boys memory teddy! so lovely and I'm happy you have them home with you now! x

isabel I think you have a terrible shrink. What sort of awful person says to a grieving mother that they might emotionally lose their other child because they are grieving? Utter bollocks. And as for grave visits you go as often as you need to go. Over time you will probably naturally visit less without forcing the issue now. You do what is right for you.

We go to Belle once a month on average now. In the very early days I went every day, then it did slip to twice a week, then once a week, then every fortnight, now once a month and it has been for a long time, probably since I was heavily pregnant with X/just before he was born.

To be honest it is something I feel forever guilty about (yet another guilt thing), I should probably go more. I'm not sure why we only go once a month now, when I in the last stages of expecting X it was because I wasn't coping with anything, and going up there put me into a very distraught 'X is going to die too' place. It is definitely harder to go up there with him. I don't like leaving him in the car but it is often too wet or cold to have him sat outside for long or at all.

Thanks kate for welcoming me and love your boys teddy.

I agree with you blue! I really believed that our survivor children should see & feel our emotions...it's not like I'm crying hysterically all the time...and I do think she understands what I've been feeling. DD1 is 8 years old.

Thanks fioled. And don't feel guilty that you haven't been visiting B more often. We are full time Mummies to our other children after all. Now that DD1 is on school vacation I also think my visits are not going to be daily. In addition my Mum is also visiting so I will have to show her around.

Isabel - my eldest son saw me like that after his twin baby brother died and then again when he was 10 when his little brother was knocked down and killed. We sat for hours talking and he saw me crying, and often cried with me.

He is now 30 years old. A hard working, compassionate wonderful man. He has a little boy who is 4 and in a few weeks he is marrying his amazing partner of 12 years. Can I just brag and say that he is emotional, brave and caring.

Your shrink is talking crap bobbins (as we say up here in Lancashire) absolute bobbins. I would love to meet the uneducated idiot who is 'helping you' and just put them straight

brag all you want shabba. I will brag about my child too if they grew up emotional, brave & caring. Men who are not afraid to show they are emotional are the bravest of them all. And it's their parents, especially the Mothers to praise for.

I would love my first born daughter to know that it is okay to grieve. That there's nothing wrong showing your emotions. So I really don't agree with my stupid cold hearted shrink. I am seriously thinking of changing shrink.

chip can you link to the shoe poem please?

Isabel, echo what others said, your shrink is a clueless idiot. I went to Sylvie-Rose's garden every day in the early days and felt slightly panicky if I ever didn't go. Now, I can miss a day without feeling bad about it but still go at least 3-4 times a week, possibly a bit more at the moment because it gets very wild if left for too long. It's 8 months since she died. I think others on this thread who have buried their children ( as opposed to cremation) seem to be about the same.

And I have cried buckets and buckets in front of ds4, he comes with me to the cemetery and actually loves it, loves watering flowers etc. It's a bonding time for us.

My ugly shoes

I'm wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad
I don't think I can take another step.
... Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes,
they are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others' eyes they are glad to be wearing their shoes, not mine.
They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are will make you uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I'm not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world.

Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

Nobody deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman,
These shoes have given me the courage to face anything.
They have made me who I am.

( Author unknown)

Beautiful & so true. Thank you. My heart sinks with the "but once you put them on you can never take them off". It's hard sometimes to comprehend the foreverness of it all.

chip, I haven't seen that poem before. So apt. I am also hating my shoes a lot today...

Just feeling hurt and angry. We are have invited lots of people to a Mia's Wood discussion tomorrow night, as we have lots of ideas but no cohesive plan. We have a core group of loyal friends coming, yet many 'supporters' have declined, which I am stupidly taking personally. In particular, because our families haven't engaged at all. My family live far away, and aren't interested in creating a Mia's Wood locally, and think environmental education is too much hard work, although they are happy to donate money. DH's family live closer, but MIL isn't coming as 'she has nothing to say', SIL is off on a last-minute holiday, and BIL who came up with the education idea hasn't even bothered to respond. It just has really brought home home other people are moving on with their lives, forgetting Mia (yes, I knew this isn't really true and it's unfair, but it's how I feel right now) And I am wearing these shoes I can never remove, and they are hurting so much today, pain which comes from the heart... Love you Mia. Love you forever, my darling girl.

Sorry. Rant over. X

Just popping in quickly, I have another KIT day today.

Isabel I am at what your shrink said. I do not have any other children, and I don't really know much about mental health, but that just does not sound right? I would have thought greiving as a family was healthy?

We all have such different backgrounds and stories but I am amazed how similar we seem to feel sometimes. So much guilt! I still feel like I have denyed my poor DH his son, and let my family down, even though on one level I know this is not true. Something was taken from all of us, it was no ones fault and it is not fair. I just wish I could take my own advice!

Tami I hope your DD1 had a good birthday. A trip to the zoo sounds great. Our children will always be with us. We take them everywhere we go. We are proud of them and we love them.

Chip that poem is amazing.

Kate What a wonderful teddy. I had never even heard of these, it is just lovely. It must be really comforting to have them home again.

MrsY sorry you have had a bad day. I have not had many anniversery's yet but they are all awful. Thinking about you.

Sometimes I am so sad and I hurt so much I don't understand how I am still standing up. Like if anything brushes past me I will shatter into tiny pieces. Or like I already have and I just don't realise. I stupidly thought we would start off feeling awful, and then things would gradually get easier until we could bear it. But it comes in waves and I never know how I am going to feel in the next hour.

Another epic post, and now I am late out the door! Thinking about all of us and wishing us peaceful days.

Mias, x-posted, so sorry you are having a bad shoe day. I have "liked" Mias Wood on facebook, anywhere I can learn more about it? Thinking about you and beautiful Mia.

Think I'm going to share that shoe poem to my blog. It really sums it up doesn't it.

Mecha I hope your KIT day goes OK xx

Isabel Your psychiatrist was way out of order. I already see a psychiatrist & CPN, due to bipolar. When Tamsin died, they were (understandably) concerned, but never did they say that crying/grieving would adversely affect DD1. Even when I had a major depressive episode, they still were more concerned with me, than DD1. So please don't worry.

I've said before that I became detached from DD1 a bit, afterwards. But the relationship did pick up. Your 'shrink' sounds as if he doesn't understand grief (and to be fair a lot of mental health teams don't).

We had a fun day at the zoo yesterday. DD1 seemed most impressed with the giant 'incy wincy' spider , and the giraffes. i love, love, love the lemurs. I remember an episode of Lemur Island, where a mummy lemur's baby died, and she cried; so did I. I now know how she felt, and it is every bit as bad as I'd imagined.

I don't feel as bad about not sending a card from Tamsin now. I wore the locket with her hair in, so she kind of came with us. I also didn't say on Facebook happy birthday to my eldest DD, or my middle child - I thought about it, then thought if Tamsin had lived, then I'd not have said anything different. I didn't mention DS.

Yesterday was DD1's day. Since Tamsin died everything has been about her. She's the first thing in my thoughts. I realised (in a rare moment of clarity), that DD1 still has the right to have things for her. In October it will be Tamsin's birthday, and rightly, it will be about her. That is another problem. DS's birthday is 2 days before we found out she died, and a week before her birth. So it will be a bittersweet, and difficult, month. The day after Tamsin's birthday is my dad's. So hard, but I have time to build up my strength.

chip what a fantastic, inspirational poem.

Thanks to all, for your support/kindness yesterday xx

Morning ladies! And thank you all you lovely ladies for the great advise.

Okay i made my decision. I'm kicking out my shrink and now looking for a new one. A bit difficult though coz right now we live in Norway...and the whole country shuts down in July. My idiot shrink even told me that he's now taking his vacation and I only need to contact in mid August...that's it goodbye to him then.

Lovely lovely poem chip and I agree with spilt it's hard
How was your KIT day mecha hope it went well. I'm still not working and I'm dreading when the time comes to go back to work.
Hi fioled do you mind sharing your blog site? I love reading blogs especially now that I'm an angelmum...it gives me inspiration to read blogs of other brave women who has the same shoes we got.
Really glad you had a wonderful day with DD1 yesterday tami I relate to what you feel. Ever since Isabel died everything is about her. I go to stores to buy things & plants/flowers to decorate her grave. I do involved DD1 by asking her to paint the heart shaped stones or help me pick up flowers & plants & even let her plant some of them in Isabel's grave. Maybe it's a bit much that's why the idiot shrink asked me to tone it down.

Yesterday was Isabel's one month birthday. I asked DD1 to choose an angel ceramic and she put it in the grave. It is lovely.

My blog is here isabel

Remember we are two years down the line now. Looking back over my blog shows what a rollercoster remarkable survival journey we're on. 24 months in and the rawness changes over time.

Hope the KIT day goes well, mecha.

Tami, sound like you have it all kind of sorted in your head, hard as it is, I think you're right.

chip, the poem is so right, thanks for sharing.

Off to see B again today - hope these bloomin' clouds shift.

Hello everyone and hello Isabelsmamma, so sorry about your little girl.

Chip that shoe poem is very, very apt. I hate my shoes. Some days I still can't believe that this is my life now. As I've said before, it feels like my daughter's accident and death is like a film that I watched. That it's not my life.

I've heard from my local counselling team and am just waiting for an appointment now. Is a bit scary, but I do think I need to talk to someone who is detached from everything that's been going on. I need to vent some very unreasonable feelings that I wouldn't want to burden anyone else with. I am quite angry at the moment.

Mia's sorry to hear that you feel let down by people for your Mia's wood meeting. I've felt the same about some family and friends over the last few months, this kind of situation really shows you who you can count on. And it's not always the people you expect which can be a real curveball

Kate I recognised a lot of how you felt on bringing your boy's ashes home. I felt so much more peaceful once we had our daughter's ashes back - even though I know that it's not "her". We're planning to scatter them soon. I know that it will mark a new chapter in this journey as well though.

Lots of love to you all who are coping with anniversaries and other occasions at the moment. We've only had a few so far, but every one just reminds me of what we should have, what we've lost.

Been sorting out DD2's room today. Was reboxing her keepsake cards and found the ones sent to DD1 to congratulate her on being a big sister. Am in floods I miss her so, so much.

Oh MrsK big hugs to you. I had exactly that scenario last week. I found the 'best big sister' card and present we bought the Mouse from Peanut :(

I was flicking through the paper when waiting for my sister earlier (dairly fail) and saw this article. It was so hard to read, but I was actually pleased to see the paper covering the issue of stillbirth.

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2165232/Oh-sweet-baby-girl-did-beautiful-pregnancy-end-like--A-mothers-achingly-poignant-letters-born-child.html

I don't know many of you who are here now and i've not been here for ages but today has been particularly tough as Gregor would have graduated from nursery today. My blog is here for any of you who are interested in blogs - I agree with fioled that the rawness does change with time - I'm over three years down this road and many things have changed but every now and then I feel like i walk off the edge of a cliff and plummet deep down into the vortex of grief - but the difference today compared with the really raw early days is that i know it won't last as long as it did back then.

I remember finding that 'my shoes' poem about a year ago and it is particularly fitting in my opinion.

Love to those of you who are walking this lonely path x

PPM - so brilliant to 'see you here' - hope today has been OK for you. All these milestones and memories. Have been thinking about you. As we always say I wish I lived much closer so we could gab, throw things at walls, laugh and cry. Take care my friend xx