''Even the smallest of footprints have the power to leave an everlasting imprint on the Earth'' Remembering with love our darling children

[Whatevertheweather]

Remembering not only what we have lost but what our darling children have given to us.

A new 'safe haven' thread. Thank you Chip for our last one which filled up in just a month. A sure sign of lots of tears, smiles and wonderful support.

All our children have taught us something whether they were born sleeping, lived just a little while, weeks, months or years. Here are mine:

Never ever take anything for granted, life can change very quickly.
Listen to yourself; your instincts will nearly always be right.
That it is possible to function seemingly normally with a broken heart.
That I have a wonderful relationship that can withstand the hardest of times.
That love and support can come from the most unexpected sources.
That I have a lot of very lovely friends, new and old.
That my family is amazing.
That no matter what it is impossible not to smile and laugh with my beautiful Katie around.
That a rainbow can provide hope in the darkest of times.
That there will be good days and bad days
That I love my children more than I ever thought possible.

For all our darling children xxx

your dgs sounds an amazing little boy but you're right neither you nor he should have had to be there xxx

Happy Half-Birthday Tamsin - these last 6 months, have - without a doubt - been the worst of my life. Not a day, hour, minute or second goes by, when I don't miss you. Love you forever xx

Little Tamsin Rainbow, your mummy has a heart filled with love for you. Please keep sending her your wonderful rainbows, they mean so much to her. x

It was so sad, and so horrific for us. But gs is fine, he is a happy boy and doing well at school. To be honest we worry more about his brother who Richard 'took on' and was a dad to him even when he split from their mother, although they remained close friends, his father does not bother with him at all so he has lost two dads.We treat them equallly. We like to think we are a constant part of their lives and they know we are always here for them. I have been reliving all of it. I would never have thought that I would have been able to carry on but we seem to get strength from somewhere. I think we are all amazing, and extremely good actresses.

lavandes Oscar winning actresses! (((hugs)))

Been up to the cemetery. Not where I should have been - really I should be giving Tamsin her first taste of solids.

Met another mum, whose baby is in the grave next to Tamsin's. I noticed she had extremely short hair, and she told me that she was in remission from cancer. Her little one was the only shot of motherhood she can have - the cancer put paid to her trying again. An amazing woman, amazing strength. She really humbled me. Life is so bloody unfair.

Came home to find a piece of paper I'd written Tamsin's poem on for her funeral, just lying in the hall. It'd been upstairs since then, but was just lying there, as if posted through the door.

I then spoke to my mum, who had to go to my nephew's school, with Dsis, for a meeting with the social worker. My mum then proceeded to tell me how Dsis had said how she was a much parent that I was with DS, how unfair it was that DS didn't need social services with him... blah blah. Funnily enough DS was fine until his dad attacked us, but Dsis can't see that. I'm sorry but I have no sympathy for her.

thinking of you and Tamsin today Tami there might be a chance of a rainbow who knows

lavandes hugs for you too!

Tami thinking of you and Tamsin today xx

lavandes (hugs) x

Happy half birthday little Tamsin Rainbow. Thinking of you today Tami xxx

Dear mumsnet mums who have lost their wee ones...

Phew, what a week... Feeling stronger one day then the next just dashed on the rocks again... For those not in the know, lost our darling daughter mid feb full term, looks like midwife could have picked it up (not going there as I need to move on for now...) I have a positive question or 2 and was hoping for some advice.

First one is really about me trying again.

One day I feel strong as an ox, I (we) want another baby and to go for it and really feel brave, the next day the thought of feeling pregnant again fills me with utter dread. I am 40 now and as I get older my chances start to stack against me... So how soon is now? (To use that wonderful smiths song...) I think in a few months I will feel stronger so was thinking of waiting till perhaps September, then it will be 7 months since I gave birth. Time for my body to heal, brain to feel more balanced and positive. Is this too late? The consultant said we "shouldn't hang about" but that's a bit subjective isn't it. Today I could never ever imagine it... I only want my daughter to be alive. I don't want another baby, only her. That's today though, tomorrow I know I will feel different again.

I got pregnant really rather fast last time - 2 weeks after the laparoscopy operation that was preventing me conceiving before, I am fit and healthy but don't want to miss my window so to speak. I still have to get pregnant, run the gauntlet of miscarriage and go full term mentally knowing I lost wee Elsie at 40 weeks. Tough test ahead I reckon.

So advice on this would be appreciated.

Second one is more on friends... And how to get me integrated back to a 'normal' life. Blimey, this is a long message

I have a friend who was due the day I was, she now has a bouncy beautiful wee girl, I haven't seen them yet, but via the powers of Facebook have dipped in and stalked her seen her new baby antics. :( I would like to see her (the mum) but am scared it will be just way to savage for me. Problem is I miss her, but her life is all now going to be about babies, I am all about getting my fitness back and making plans to travel with my husband for a bit. If I meet her and it's a disaster it might set me back a lot, or do I just have to man up and be brave? I know I am walking a tight rope at present.

I guess I need to just do things on my time scale but it's so darn hard to know what that flipping time scale is. For trying again and for breathing life into friends I haven't seen for months. I just want to run away some days, with a fine bottle of wine and a good book...

Crickey, sorry for such a long missive, and if you have actually read this far I do actually love you. Any helpful tips out there would be great.

Miss my darling wee girl every hour that ticks by, sometimes looking back at what has happened its hard to actually believe I can still breath at all.

Take care lovely ladies.

Xx

Appleseed, fertility varies hugely but I conceived and gave birth to Sylvie-Rose when I was 42. She was perfect in every way, just born far too soon, which predisposed her to SIDS.

My SIL and I were both due our little girls the same week. She has her little girl and I don't have mine any more But DN will be in our lives for ever so shortly after she was born I bit the bullet and went to see her. A is nothing like Sylvie-Rose in looks, thank goodness, as I think that could have floored me but I have held her several times. And there are times when I am sick with envy of SIL but I know that is unreasonable and manage to reign it in ( mostly!)

Hi Appleseed
I'm sorry that you found yourself here after the loss of Elsie. I lost my 5 year old son very suddenly before Christmas and I started to try for a baby almost immediately. I'm now 16 weeks and although I'm a bit of a wreck I'm glad that I didn't overthink the decision or I might've chickened out.
It's not easy being pregnant at the same time as grieving and I'm in no way over the loss of my amazing boy but I hope it will all be worth it and it gives us something positive to focus on some of the time. I know that everyone is different though and you need to make your own choices. There is a thread on Conception called "mums of angels....". The people there are either trying, pregnant or have had a baby after such a terrible loss and it might help you to think things over. As for meeting your friend I would advise you to be gentle on hourly and don't force yourself into situations that will be difficult. I'm sure that your friend will understand and she will still be there when you feel stronger.

Hi Appleseed i think feeling like you want to be pregnant again is entirely natural but also a hard decision to have to make. For us, we were lucky I think as I found out I was pg again in January and it was unexpected. We had been using protection as although we wanted to try again the fear was overwhelming so I'm glad we never had to make the decision. I'm now 22 weeks and im not going to lie I'm finding it bloody tough. Harder as the weeks go on as the fear seems to be building as does feelings of guilt towards Erin as the new baby takes up so much headspace. But i know (hope!) it will all be worth it in the end. It's a very personal choice but it is not uncommon at all to have 2 babies within a year or a little over after you have lost one. Physically I feel okay with it, perhaps a little tireder but some of that will be grief for Erin not just the pregnancy.

As for seeing other babies - I took the plunge after about 7/8 weeks and saw a friends little girl who was born about 2 weeks after Erin. Strangely the thought of it was harder than doing it as I found once I held the baby I didn't feel any differently towards her than I had previously about friends babies. Take your time though don't rush yourself. Remember it is okay not to be really strong all the time xxxx

Hello appleseed, just thought I'd share my thoughts too. We lost our beautiful red-headed 13-month-old Mia last October, totally unexpectedly. Like others here, we immediately wanted to try for another child. We had always said that we wanted a second child, but SWI suddenly took on a lot more importance. That's not to say it isn't hard emotionally - it is. I had Mia when I was 40, and this year I turned 42, so I knew that we had to consider the (very expensive) possibility of IVF. I was doing all the OPK tests, temping, exercising, making DH exercise, etc as is recommended on the 40+ conception thread, to hopefully make things easier. I also had some blood tests, which actually were a little discouraging, tbh, and so, after quite a few months, we chose an IVF clinic to try and pursue our dream... but then last month, I discovered I was pg. I had a little scan today, and we saw the little baby, right on target with growth charts - and most wonderfully of all, heard a heartbeat. I burst into tears. I couldn't share this yesterday, as I have been so worried about it, but today, I can. (and I will worry again tomorrow) And as orion and whatever can attest, being pg after losing a child is full of conflicting emotions. Anyway, I wanted to say - don't give up hope because of your age.

We also chose deliberately to tell our NCT friends not to hide away their children from us. They are not Mia, and through them, her little friends, we can imagine what Mia might be doing. Sometimes it makes me sad, but for us, it was the right decision. It is totally personal - and understandably challenging. I still find going through the local shopping centre difficult, when I see all the mothers and their strollers. (although of course, none are ever as beautiful as Mia!!)

Mias I am so happy you heard the heartbeat!

Mias waw that must have been amazing! (slightly jealous though... 2 more days till my 12 week scan)

Aw Miasmummy that's amazing Such brilliant news my friend, so pleased for you and DH a special moment.

I saw the consultant this morning and she has set me up with 2 weekly scans starting at 25 weeks. Was surprised but very pleased - thought they'd be monthly until 30+ but I'm definitely not arguing. Got to hear the heartbeat as well today - even though I now feel her wriggling away it is the best sound ever. Of course regular movements come with fresh worries - this baby will be sick of me poking her!! I have to keep telling myself quiet periods are normal

miasmummy congratulations on the scan that's lovely news. I'm so happy that all was well.www.mumsnet.com/te/1.gif

Oops I meant that to be a smiley!

Miasmummy how absolutely exciting - I'm thrilled for you, nearly in tears myself. So happy :) xx

I've discovered today that I probably am quite evil. It's that time of the month again (should have guessed from the migraine at the weekend). Woke up today with tummy ache, feeling sick, and the worst headache (if I move my head I go really dizzy). So DD1 didn't get to her toddler group. The idea of several noisy toddlers, and dancing, just wasn't feasible in my condition (bad enough contending with DD1). So DH accused me of sitting on my 'fat arse', telling DD1 how sad he was that she missed out. I do now feel guilty, really, really guilty :(

Oh Tami tell him to f off. If he was that bothered he could have taken her himself. It won't have done her any harm at all not going, try not to give it another thought.

Thank you everyone for your nice words today. As I walked out of the scan place, I said a little thank you to Mia, for helping keep her little sibling safe, and helping her daddy and I on the path to the parenthood experience again. Such a wonderful gift from her. I do miss her funny little ways so much. I miss making her dinner. I miss her wonderful cuddles.

tami agree with whatever's succinct assessment!! (and *everlong's giggles too.) Missing out on a toddler group once is not a big deal. Nor is twice. Life happens sometimes. And if it was so important to your H, well, he can always take her. A migraine and its after-effects are serious inhibiting to any sort of normal life when they hits, let alone a toddler group!

whatever great news about all the regular scans planned for you. That must be very comforting. The whooshy sound of the heartbeat is just wonderful.