''Even the smallest of footprints have the power to leave an everlasting imprint on the Earth'' Remembering with love our darling children

[Whatevertheweather]

Remembering not only what we have lost but what our darling children have given to us.

A new 'safe haven' thread. Thank you Chip for our last one which filled up in just a month. A sure sign of lots of tears, smiles and wonderful support.

All our children have taught us something whether they were born sleeping, lived just a little while, weeks, months or years. Here are mine:

Never ever take anything for granted, life can change very quickly.
Listen to yourself; your instincts will nearly always be right.
That it is possible to function seemingly normally with a broken heart.
That I have a wonderful relationship that can withstand the hardest of times.
That love and support can come from the most unexpected sources.
That I have a lot of very lovely friends, new and old.
That my family is amazing.
That no matter what it is impossible not to smile and laugh with my beautiful Katie around.
That a rainbow can provide hope in the darkest of times.
That there will be good days and bad days
That I love my children more than I ever thought possible.

For all our darling children xxx

Mias we had a huge amount of crap surrounding Scarlett's death and funeral, dh's brother wouldn't come. He said he couldn't due to work but I don't believe that to this day, anyway we're past that now, down to me. I feel like a door mat at times. I'm so sick of being ignored by people irl at times. This is exactly what happened back then, getting so caught up with other shit, sigh. Sorry. So much going on in my head right now and nothing makes much sense or helps much.

We had a car with Scarlett in and she was brought in to the church in her little white coffin. Dh couldn't carry her coffin and neither could I. We had mil, two younger sil's who were 12 and 15 I think at the time (dh's brother was his older one at 28ish), one of my friends, my parents, my grandad and my daughter. She was 8 and wanted to be there. My two boys were a lot younger and they didn't want to be there so we went with that.

To this day I still don't know how I did it. Thinking back on it I feel like it was a film or some other person. It was me though.

Elly huge regret for me always is that I couldn't hold Scarlett after she was born, I feel ashamed to even say that I couldnt hold my own baby. I know I carried her inside me but when she was born I just couldn't. I was too scared that I'd just crumble. I saw her and we spent time with her I just couldn't touch her, I wish now that I could. I was so close, I remember almost reaching out to touch her hand but I didn't as I was worried that she would be cold and that I would lose my mind.

Tami MK is milton keynes or elsewhere? That's near me if so :) ish at least, Cambs

Firsttobed so early on for you still, I felt the rawness for months. I wish I could take your pain away :( It did ease for me, I never thought it would. It hurts a lot still at times but it's not the constant pain, more like a dull ache with the flare up at times. Raw pain is heartbreaking xxx

Cheese, it was different for me as Sylvie-Rose had lived but..... she was very cold the day after she died when I brought an outfit to dress her in. I remember being so upset that she was so cold, it made it seem so final, that she had died. I am kind of glad that I dressed her but it was very, very upsetting.

'Two little boys' - thinking about Gareth and Daniel. I found out I was having twins (30 years ago) when I was 10 days away from delivery at 38 weeks. Routine scans were not done then. I had pre-eclampsia and nobody could find out why. They x-rayed me and found not one 'big' baby but twins. My Danny with his arms wrapped around My Gareth. If only....if only they had been born now maybe something could have been done to save Gareth. Born with massive heart problems and died at 7 months. Two little boys rings in my ears when I think about my precious sons.

chip dh said that Scarlett was warm, I coudln't talk or ask him at the time I couldn't say much at all. I wish I'd asked at the time. Her nose bled when dh held her too. He didn't tell me at the time or until months after, I said on here then. I was upset about that as that was all we had, the times before and when she was with us then. I wish with every part of me that I could hold her now

shabs huge hugs xxxxxx

The morning Gareth died he was 'fussy and fretful' - he couldnt settle at all. I took him into our bed...he lay between me and my hubby - we both had our arms around him. I had changed his nappy, tried to feed him and tried to settle him down again. All 3 of us snoozed for about 5 or 10 minutes. When I woke up my hubby and Gareth were asleep. I looked at him and thought what a lovely colour he was.....he was always tinged with a navy blue colour but that morning he was bright pink and so very, very warm. I looked at him for a few minutes and then realised that he wasn't breathing....I then ran down the stairs and rang 999. Precious boy you are not remembered enough...your little brother died in a horrific road accident which took away our overwhelming grief for you. You were fiesty, brave, a fighter, a lover - you had curly red hair like your nephew and you changed my world. I love you little man xxxx

shabs I wish I could hug you now, hope virtual hugs will help just a little bit xxxxx you've been through so much. xxx

Thank you love. Life has been hard work but we keep bouncing back...while the mental scars stay and my heart feels like it is broken it two xxx

shabs hugs and thoughts with you now, I've been sitting here thinking about you and your boys all night, along with Scarlett. xxx

Thinking about all our little ones and how much we miss them.

Trying to think of happy memories I had with Dexter. Labour was terrifying, I woke up with a little pain at about 4am, then had a small amount of really bright blood. Called my midwife for advice and she said I should go into the labour ward, just for a check up. Got there at 6am and I was 3cm dilated. They were working really hard to stop the labour but really suddenly at 10:46am he was here. They asked us if we wanted to see him before he was taken to resus and we both sort of bleated yes. And I will never forget the noise DH made. It was just an "oooh" but if was filled with so much love and wonder and amazement. We didn't hear anything about Dex until 4PM and we didn't get to see him until 6PM and the afternoon was so hard to get through but knowing how much love we both had for our tiny little boy helped.

We were holding him 12 days later when he died, and I was able to bathe and dress him which I thought I would never be able to do. Then we tucked him up in his crib with his bunny and went home. It was so hard to walk away but he was comfortable and safe and I couldn't help him anymore. DH was having real trouble being in the hospital any longer and he did need me and to be home.

The times I visited him between then and the funeral I couldn't touch him. I didn't want to remember him being cold, which sounds really stupid now. I stroked his tummy through his sleep suit and talked to him, and we have some pictures of him. He looks so peaceful.

I am amazed how similar some of our feelings are.

Shabs your testimony to Gareth has me in tears, it was so beautiful. I can't imagine that your heart would be anything but broken, I can't imagine how you manage to carry on, your strength is remarkable x

Cheese Yes, Milton Keynes. It's about 15 miles (ish) from us, but I don't go there too often - looks so boring, it's all the same. I know that nothing I say can help, but try not to beat yourself up over not holding Scarlett. I know that living with regret is so, so hard, but the you then, made the choice, based on how you were then. For me, no matter how well you think you'll cope with something, the reality is never, ever the same.

When I was taken back to the Primrose Room, from recovery after EMCS, Tamsin was lying in the cot. I screamed for them to take her out. I screamed at (and swore) the midwives. I feel so guilty for that now, for not wanting Tamsin there. I feel guilty that I fought during surgery, that I survived... that I was concerned about surviving and coming home to DD1, even though my baby was laid next to me, dead, whilst they battled to stop me bleeding. I feel guilty for being so damned selfish. I then feel guilty that I was thinking of DD1, and not really DS, making the mistake that he was an adult (although only out his teens for one week when this happened).

I was shocked, numb, dazed - and cheese you were too. Scarlett knows how much you love her. You held her safe in your tummy. She died hearing your heartbeat; the Scarlett that remains wasn't in the little body, her spirit would have left, so please don't beat yourself up, no one - not least Scarlett - could fail to know how much you love her xxxxx

Mecha I think being able to bathe, and dress Dexter, was very brave xx

Hugs and prayers to everyone here - such pain we bear :(

Tami is exactly right, whatever decisions we made or things we did or didn't do were right for us at the time and what we needed to get through. We will all have regrets or things to beat ourselves with but we have enough guilt and do not deserve it.

This is a shitty club that none of us should be in. It sucks. But we are all so strong and we will all learn to live with the pain and think of our children and smile.

The treacle has turned to concrete today. 1 week ago already at 8:11 and 8:40 my little soldiers were taken from me. This has been a horrific blur, the bits I don't want to remember I can't stop thinking about and the bits im so desperately trying to keep in mind are slipping away Tyslightly and I hate that I am covered in bruises from all the needles and what not but as soon as they go that is another memory lost.
shabba my heart goes out to you, and to everyone here,
Like everlong says, what strong women we are (although I really don't feel that I am). I can't imagine the pain that you guys are going through even though it's happened (and is happening) to me. X

shabs, big hugsxx

Hugs to you all ladies.

It's such a difficult thing that we have to do and I still can't believe that this is my new life but it is and it's the only one I'm getting.
Kate your grief is so new and raw but I know that it will become something different. I'm only 5 months in and although I have times when it is awful, there are other times when I don't feel as bad and the gaps in between my bad days are widening.
This forum is a such a source of hope and inspiration, especially from you experienced ladies.x

tami thank you, makes so much sense but it's good to hear it still. I know that I did what I had to at the time but it doesn't help now with the regrets. I'm sure we all do have our own regrets in different ways though.

Milton Keynes, I hate the place! Cannot abide all those roundabouts. I do go now and again though for the ikea there and the krispy kremes! We're only about a 30-40 min drive away from there though.

kate hugs, such early days. Really feel for you xx

Just a really quick post because still at work - my BF had her 20 wk scan today, and they think they are having a little girl. I so hoped they would have a boy. It's really thrown me tbh, and I don't know why - perhaps it's just too close? I have a couple of friends that I see from my ante-natal classes that had girls around the time that I had Constance, but that feels so different. Maybe it's because she wasn't pg at the same time, she must have conceived just after Constances funeral. I don't know, I just feel really gutted. Happy for them of course, but just so sad.

Also, I am seeing one of my RL angel mummy friends tonight because we are organising an awareness/fund raising event for Sands, and today is 1 year since she found out that her little boy had died (1st birthday anniversary on Sat), so I need to feel strong to offer her support in a short while.

Oh god, why has life turned out like this - this isn't how it's meant to be at all (for any of us). It's just so shit, I don't know what to do.

Elly, I dread little girl announcements too. But then the little girls themselves aren't Sylvie-Rose and they aren't Constance, just some other little girl. I try to think of it that way but it's so, so hard.
Hugs and strength to you.

I know what you mean, ellypoo, but also try to remember like chip that none of these other children are Mia. I am still horrified and shocked that this is my life. DH and I shouldn't be writing letters, seeking legal advice and looking for a location for Mia's Wood - we should be enjoying every second with her!! It just makes me so sad and angry at the same time, if that is possible.

For me, it isn't new baby announcements, it's seeing little girls about the same age as Mia would be now. I had one of those moments today at the gym. The little girl was dressed in her swimsuit, and her mother was just lovely with her, and the little girl looked at me with her big eyes - and all I could think of "Why isn't that Mia and me? Why do I have to stand aside and watch?" Still, I managed to smile at them both, they were so enamoured with one another, it was beautiful to see.

cheese I echo tami. Your love for Scarlett is profound, and that will never change.

And yes, I am also in the countryside near to MK, and yes, plenty of roundabouts, but have to say, the quality of life here compared with London makes up for it - except for restaurants. So - between, you, me and tami we almost have a little 3 Counties grouping here then?

kate so sorry. Just no words for you, my lovely, just lots of feelings. xx

shabba beautiful words of love for your Gareth. xx

mecha those happy memories for Dexter will come. The hurt is still uppermost at the moment. But I promise, they will. And how you will cherish them. xx

I used to have those feelings after Gareth died. Being a Mum is a very special honour and priviledge but after I had the twins I was amazed at how interested people are in them. When I used to see twins I had to walk in the opposite direction. Also when Danny had his school photo's done I wanted his twin brother in them....such weird, emotional feelings. I still now get those 'its not fair' feelings. I have a dear friend who lives in USA. She had Siamese twins about 40 years ago - two little lads - they were joined from the chest to the hips and only lived a few hours...then she miscarried a year or so later....she went on to have four healthy children who are now all adults. I used to say to her 'Its not fair' and she used to reply 'Life's not fair my love - we have to deal with it in the best way we can.'

Miasmummy I've spent months being jealous (although in a detached way), of both Lola & Janine in Eastenders. It's not real though, so easier to bear...

I've just read in AIBU that Janine's baby is rumoured to be stillborn, and have spent the last 15 minutes weeping hysterically. Mad I know. I cannot fathom why, except it feels as if my life is about to be displayed, probably not realistically enough, on the screen. If it's true, people will be talking about it - and I agree that raising awareness is great - but I honestly don't believe that to be true. In fact I'm dreading it. I'm dreading other people talking about, feeling they now have knowledge of what it's really like, because they watched it in a soap opera.

I'm also well aware of how diabolically they handled the SIDS episode, and how they're now portraying bipolar (which funnily enough doesn't bother me), but I'm not sure I'm strong enough for this.

DH came and asked why I was crying - he replied "well it's only TV" aargh! That's my point, the reality of my life doesn't last for just 30mins, and I'm scared they may trivialise it... how mad am I?

Shabs your friend sounds incredibly wise, a true sage

tami I can understand how you now dread watching the outcome. But no tv show will ever be able to convey a personal situation... and in reality, it would be terrible if it could. Imagine having your life and inner turmoil exposed to anyone and everyone. (In my case, that would be terrifying for me, and everyone else concerned!!) However, perhaps you can think that the awareness raising might help to give others new insights into how deeply mothers of stillborn babies feel, and given the amazing number of DHAC comments levelled at so many on this thread, any reduction of these insensitive, thoughtless comments has to be good. I can't think such an important issue would be trivialised on a major tv programme though. Maybe I am naive... If it ensures that these children are better recognised, and that stillbirth is seen as an important area for society concern and action, I think it would be good. However, I am not you. I am very conscious that in your own situation, I would not be brave enough to watch... xx

I don't trust Eastenders, though, Mias. I can understand why Tami is worried. I remember being incensed years ago about Pauline coming to Ireland to meet her sister that Lou gave up for adoption and of course the writers were lazy, lazy, lazy and all they could come up with for a husband was a drunken, abusive Irishman. Because all Irish men are drunken and abusive. And I hadn't lost Sylvie-Rose at the time of the still birth story but I was so upset at how they handled it.

Shabs, I started a post earlier to you and because I was at work, never got to finish it.
I have never for a minute thought you have ever forgotten Gareth or acknowledged him enough. You post so very lovingly about him. You didn't forget him when Mattie died. What happened in your life was that you lived on a beautiful tropical island. Then a hurricane hit that island. The landscape and all the houses and buildings were destroyed. You started to rebuild. And you succeeded to a point. You rebuilt some of the buildings and you replanted some of the trees.
And then a second hurricane hit and the work you had done was flattened. So you had to rebuild again. And all you could think of was how much progress you had made and how much work the second hurricane had created. But what you don't see is that if there had only been one hurricane then you would have almost finished rebuilding by now. Because there were two you have twice the work to do. But you are getting there, my lovely. xx