''Even the smallest of footprints have the power to leave an everlasting imprint on the Earth'' Remembering with love our darling children

[Whatevertheweather]

Remembering not only what we have lost but what our darling children have given to us.

A new 'safe haven' thread. Thank you Chip for our last one which filled up in just a month. A sure sign of lots of tears, smiles and wonderful support.

All our children have taught us something whether they were born sleeping, lived just a little while, weeks, months or years. Here are mine:

Never ever take anything for granted, life can change very quickly.
Listen to yourself; your instincts will nearly always be right.
That it is possible to function seemingly normally with a broken heart.
That I have a wonderful relationship that can withstand the hardest of times.
That love and support can come from the most unexpected sources.
That I have a lot of very lovely friends, new and old.
That my family is amazing.
That no matter what it is impossible not to smile and laugh with my beautiful Katie around.
That a rainbow can provide hope in the darkest of times.
That there will be good days and bad days
That I love my children more than I ever thought possible.

For all our darling children xxx

The funny thing was, after Sylvie-Rose died, I felt phantom kicks too. But she hadn't been in my tummy for 7 weeks and I hadn't felt any phantom kicks since she was born and while she was still alive. But the thing is that Sylvie-Rose was born and died all before she was due at all. So I like to think that she was letting me know that she was still with me from the place that she should have been.
Ladies, keep my lovely ds1 in your thoughts. He's not very academic and is doing major state exams today. I have lit a candle in Sylvie-Rose's angel figure for him.
Mech, Dexter's funeral sounds just lovely. Love the poem.xx

kate (and other new faces) have you been directed to the Sands forum? It (and here) really pulled me through my early raw days.

This is another one from that site.

I Do Not Think My Song Will End - Johnny Hathcock

I do not think my song will end
While flowers, grass and trees
Abound with birds and butterflies
For I am one with these.

And I believe my voice will sound
Upon the whispering wind
So long as even one remains
Among those I call "friend."

I shall remain in hearts and minds
Of loved ones that I knew,
And in the rocks and hills and streams
Because I love those, too.

So long as love and hope and dreams
Abide in earth and sky,
Weep not for me, though I be gone.
I shall not really die.

Johnny Hathcock

Beautiful

chip Night time is hard for me at the moment, because that is when Dexter was most active and I still think I can feel him kicking, just as I am drifting off to sleep. But that is a lovely thought. He has been gone nearly a month, and he wasn't due until August. Maybe he is trying to help me? Thank you.

also chip thinking about your little one, xx

Mecha, when Sylvie-Rose died, a friend who is very spiritual said "Ask for signs and you will get them" I did and I did! Not so much any more because I don't want to be a bother to her IYKWIM! But I have had so many lovely signs that she's still around.

Kate I think the phantom kicks are very common - most on here have experienced them. I know that after a limb has been amputated, the patient can often still feel it. I guess the loss is so large, so seemingly insurmountable, that our brains try to 'keep' out little ones. Whilst distressing, I also found them oddly comforting.

As for the nursery rhymes - I know what you mean. DH chose Brahm's Lullaby, as he wanted her funeral to be the only time we'd 'put Tamsin to bed'. The melody is something that is on DD1's Lightshow, but it was so different, that I managed. What I have had difficulty with, is the Cbeebies show Abadas. I go cold when I hear the music, and turn it straight over, if in the room (so routinely that DD1 looks at me waiting if it comes on - then screams till I turn it back on). The show started when Tamsin died, so it has awful associations. Also Everything Is Rosie can bring my mood down xx

Mecha What an awful time - you poor thing (((hugs))). The funeral sounds beautiful, just perfect xx

I am worried about this coming month. I don't want to upset any of you lovely ladies, especially fioled, but I knew that it was coming up to Belle's second birthday, which is 5 days before DD1's. To me DD1's second birthday isn't as exciting to me as her first. Last year I was thinking ahead to this year, imagining that I'd have a little one crawling around, maybe enjoying her sister's cake. I'm not having a party this year, we'll just take her to the zoo I think.

My friend is having a party this coming Saturday, and I don't want to go. She is the one who said I should be sterilised, and tried to show me photos of her great-neice, who was very premature. She didn't understand why I was upset. She has implied that Tamsin wasn't a real loss, as she was born sleeping, yet is excited about her neice. I find it hard to talk to her. I haven't replied to her invite, but she sent me her address, and is expecting me - grrr....

Tami, just tell her you're not going. And if she asks why, just say "Do you really need to ask. Really?" and leave it at that.

tami I agree with chip. Just send this so-called friend an email and say that you can't make it, and don't even explain - and if she follows up with a return email or call, just ignore it. Even when people are being supportive and tactful, it can be hard - I would have been quite happy not to attend our jubilee party this weekend, and instead sit quietly inside on my own. The effort of talking can be too much - something I would never have said before Mia died.

I am supposed to be doing a sprint triathlon with DH friends this weekend, and actually, it has been a good cover for a while now, but now I really don't want to tell them I am not competing because I am pregnant... They ask too many questions about everything. Will have to think of a good excuse, as I want to be there to support DH when he does it.

tami oh my! This friend sounds awful! If you didn't feel up to it and didn't want a confrontation could you "have a terrible migrane" or "DD1 down with a sickness bug" on the day?

I am horrified at some of the things people say to us. Thankfully the worst I have had so far is "At least now you know you can get pregnant!" which was well meant but very hurtful.

Oh Tami, some people really DHAC do they, totally unbelieveable.

Lovely to hear funeral stories IYKWIM.

For Constance's funeral, we had the poem 'don't stand by my grave and weep' and played Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton as we left. I can't remember the hymns at the moment. My mum (who used to be a singer) sang the Brahms Lullaby over Constance's grave after they had laid her in - it was beautiful. We too had a bright sunny v cold January day for Constance - 16th Jan 2012, the day after her due date.

Mia could you put on a hobble and pretend you've sprained your ankle or something?

Elly I love that poem. We also had tears in heaven and brahms lullaby at Scarlett's funeral, in the church. My mum read something that she wrote too.

18 months ago today I gave birth to Scarlett, finding today harder than the 18 months after the day she died. Limbo part is over and it's just done now. Went to see her and took her some flowers today, so many blossoms on the trees, it was very nice. Been feeling such a mixture of emotions today, on the verge of crying and then really irritable the next minute.

Tami what a complete, horrible bitch your friend is. Sorry, I can't mince my words right now, it's angered me so much to read that. Scarlett was also born sleeping and was every much as loss as any other baby. She was alive inside me, she existed. I gave birth to her like anyone else and I felt every second of the pain because I chose to. If I were you, I'd be telling your "friend" (and honestly, is she a real friend to treat you like that?) to fuck off and exactly the reasons why. Excuse the language.

tami x
with friends like that, who needs enemies? I agree with what chip says, just ignore her until she gets the point.

Met the fd today, which I was very (remarkably) calm for, I think mainly because I have gone into "mummy mode" iykwim and because I want my boys to have the best.

"It" is happening 15/6/12 at 4.15. I hate that it is so close to fathers day and dhs birthday which is on the 20th. Dh has been very emotional today, he burst into tears at the "where do daddies come from" ad and has been very quiet, I have been trying to get him to talk but he keeps saying he's fine.

Had a very bad night last night, woke up to go into the living room because that was where I was the most comfy, got my cushions ready and burst into tears because I realised there is no reason for me to be uncomfy anymore.

Wrote another letter to the boys today and chose some songs for the funeral/cremation (I don't know what to call it)

We are having:
Two little boys by rolf harris (always used to make me cry but I think it is perfect for Nathan and Stanley as they are my little soldiers and they fought to the end.

Tears in heaven by eric clapton just because it is a very beautiful song.

Beautiful boy by John Lennon one of my dhs favourite songs - he started singing it to my belly as soon as we found out they were boys as well.

Thanks to all of you for putting your song choices and how your days went, they sound like they were "lovely days" as horrible as they must have been also. I am so totally not looking forward to mine but I want to be able to look back at it (eventually) fondly too i guess.

I also agree with cheese too.

Chip I will take your advice xx

Miasmummy I too would give a little white lie to DH's friends. I understand totally why you wouldn't want to be interrogated - I hope you think of a suitable excuse... I'm sure it will be fine though xx

Mecha If I get too chicken to act upon Chip's advice, then a little white one may be uttered, but she has the skin of a rhino xx

Elly I bet that was one performance that your mum didn't ever want to perform. I guess it was probably the most heartfelt too xx

Cheese Lots of love to you & little Scarlett (((hugs))). I agree that my friend can be a bitch - I met her at hospital (she's bipolar too) and she's the type that competes for the amount of meds she's on etc. I think I did write about her after she said the sterilisation comment, and I avoided her since, until she just turned up. I just can't be bothered anymore. What she thinks doesn't affect how I feel, and what I know to be true, as a very wise woman told me

Kate I'm glad that you've got a date, and the arrangements finalised. Your songs sound lovely btw. It is so hard, and so raw for you & your DH xx

What lovely song/music choices kate - sounds perfect for them xx

aww 2 little boys.. that always make me cry...I used to go to frasers garden and and sing it to him.. I know that makes me sound mad

Kate both myself and dh wrote letters to go with Scarlett when she was buried, also a little teddy which went with the outfit she was wearing (a lovely pink dress that dh had bought for her before she died), the dc's drew her a picture too xx

fm not mad at all xx

fm totally not mad x

kate your plans for your boys sound lovely, and yes, that emotion of wanting to do your very best to honour them is so familiar. It will be a beautiful day, full of love, but immeasurably sad. You and your DH might feel a sense of calm afterwards, knowing that you both did your best for Nathan and Stanley. I hope so.

For Mia, DH carried her in, and I carried her flowers. God knows how we managed it. We asked everyone to wear bright colours, as it was a celebration of her life. For songs, we chose only gentle modern ones, but we also borrowed some Gymboree rattles and shaky eggs so everyone, especially the children there, could sing "Wheels on the Bus", a song to which Mia would joyfully bounce up and down. We were also able to stream the celebration of Mia's life onto the web, and so family and friends around the world were able to participate, or at least download the service afterwards. We have a copy, but I haven't seen it yet... not sure I ever will have the courage to go back to that day.

Miasmummy I don't think it's a question of courage; if you look back on how far you have come, I'm sure your past self would have balked at the very idea that you would be where you are now. I (personally) think it's a question of timing. Right now probably isn't the right time. I'm sure that if you do watch the service, it will be when Mia, is well & truly settled, where she is watching over you, and you will just know that it's the right time.

Funnily enough I was thinking of you today. I went to MK, and for some bizarre reason, I kept thinking of you xx

Oh, Kate! "Two little boys" has always made me cry. My Mum says I used to cry about it as a child because I felt so upset at the horse's head breaking off. But even before I had my boys, I remember being at MIL and PILs wedding anniversary party and telling my SILs that I couldn't sing it without crying. And they asked me to prove it. So I sang it and by the second verse was sobbing the words out with tears pouring down my face. And now, I will always think of Nathan and Stanley when I sing it.

fm totally not mad.

tami - it was, she wanted to sing it because she said she sang it over all 'her girls' when they slept (thats me, DSis, and my 2 lovely nieces - no boys in our family!!)

kate your plans do sound lovely - the songs that you & DH have chosen are very special for your very special boys, and your love for them will shine through. I hope the day passes as well as possible for you - I found Constance's funeral quite cathartic.

We buried Constance with a copy of the Gruffalo (I read it to her in NNU), I wrote her a letter and she was dressed in clothes that people had bought for her as presents, and with a little toy that my nieces had chosen for her for Christmas. DH carried her in to & out of the church - I don't know how he managed to do it TBH, but I had carried her for 9 months, that was his time to carry her. I hadn't seen many people between her birth & the funeral - DH tried to persuade me to so that I didn't have to see everyone at the funeral for the first time, but I actually preferred it that way because it got a lot of 'firsts' out of the way in one go, and also meant that I couldn't spend too long with anyone unless I wanted too, which was perfect.

Still not sorted headstone - I'm putting it off to be perfectly honest, because it's the absolute last thing I can do for my girl, and I'm not ready for it yet.

cheese - much love for you today, my thoughts have been with you and I'm sending huge hugs.

Oh everyone, what a busy day on here. kate you sound so brave planning your boys' funeral (whatever you do decide to call it) and I know exactly what you mean by saying to ensure that your boys get the best that you can give them.

I found that planning little B's funeral/service of thanksgiving (and he was only a few days younger than your two) helped me by going into planning mode, to ensure that he did have the most perfect service and send off that we could think of. Like many on here we had lullabies (I thought that this was strange, but glad to hear that others did it too) - we had Go To Sleep My Baby and another one. Also had All Things Bright and two beautiful poems, one read by me. I had sung him Go To Sleep after he was born and I frequently sang it to my other two too. It feels like our own lullaby somehow. My eldest knows the words to All Things Bright - he sang it to me today, just beautiful and poignant like he's singing it to his little brother.

mechavivzilla thank you for sharing the details of Dexter's funeral, it sounds just lovely.

To all the ladies with special days around this time, I'm so sad that there are so many special days and I wish you all the strength that you need to get through them. Hugs to you all xxx

I took down B's cards yesterday after over 7 weeks. The last of his flowers went just before the weekend and I feel that a chapter of his life or existence has almost closed. But it hasn't to me, perhaps I'm just signalling that to everyone else, it's hard to explain. I got tearful today listening to a man on the radio who went blind in his 20s telling about the experience of children with disability. He said that 70% of the burden was felt by the parents and only 30% in his experience by the child who just gets on with it. God, it made me cry (on the motorway, not good.) I'm not sure it's appropriate on here to go into the reasons for the blubbing but somehow it made things so raw again and I thought I was doing so well. It's just up and down all the time, I guess that in time it just becomes undulations and not such a flipping mountain range.