''Even the smallest of footprints have the power to leave an everlasting imprint on the Earth'' Remembering with love our darling children

[Whatevertheweather]

Remembering not only what we have lost but what our darling children have given to us.

A new 'safe haven' thread. Thank you Chip for our last one which filled up in just a month. A sure sign of lots of tears, smiles and wonderful support.

All our children have taught us something whether they were born sleeping, lived just a little while, weeks, months or years. Here are mine:

Never ever take anything for granted, life can change very quickly.
Listen to yourself; your instincts will nearly always be right.
That it is possible to function seemingly normally with a broken heart.
That I have a wonderful relationship that can withstand the hardest of times.
That love and support can come from the most unexpected sources.
That I have a lot of very lovely friends, new and old.
That my family is amazing.
That no matter what it is impossible not to smile and laugh with my beautiful Katie around.
That a rainbow can provide hope in the darkest of times.
That there will be good days and bad days
That I love my children more than I ever thought possible.

For all our darling children xxx

hey fioled.. nice to see you around .. I have been thinking of you .. knowing that your darling daughters birthday is coming around again ..
do you know her birthday is not listed on our dates thread.. might be the way you want it sweetheart but just wanted to check if you knew

I cant deal with mothers day at alll to me its worse than frasers remember day or his b/day ..terrible for poor ross when he finds me in tears when he has brought me flowers , a dvd and given me bfast in bed

Dh copes well with fathers day.. guess they are just made up differently to us

how you doing today kate

love to all

Hi all, had to get out of the flat today, I felt very clostraphobic and I haven't the strength at the moment to sort through the boys stuff just yet but I have already decided that was a very bad idea. Saw a few women that I speak to at my dds playgroup and they were rather perplexed as to why my stomach wasn't the nice round bump (although huge) that it once was. They thought that the babies may have been in special care/nicu at first but I'm pretty sure that they got that they weren't from the incoherent crying - but I could care less about them. I care more that I was crying in front of my dd as I really don't like her seeing me like this. Made a couple of things for the boys today (crocheting took my mind off the worry from the laser ablation - so I figured that it would take my mind off whatever needed to be taken off my mind) so I made a couple of angel pockets (what a beautiful name for what should be so unneeded) from my boys measurements - 25 and 27cms in length and two tiny hats. I also made a couple of wreaths for the funeral for them, (we are having professional flowers but I just feel like I need to be doing something with my hands - even though they look really rough). Also felt like having a few bottles of wine today (not a very big drinker really) as, I don't know how many times I have been asked whether or not we are going to "try again" ?!WTF?! I have no interest in replacing my babies, thank you. I know that people are trying to be nice/make conversation but maybe a little tact they aren't even a week old yet (iykwim).

Kate it is really lovely that you made somethings for your son. I'm sure the wreaths are beautiful too, they may not be 'professional' but they are all the more special, as you made them. I think it's pretty amazing, that you managed to do it, the one job no parent should ever have to even contemplate, so it is an amazing accomplishment, and what a wonderful testimony to your sons, that you found the strength - out of your love for them - to do this.

I'm glad that you didn't let the other mums get to you. Trying to see it from their perspective (which is very hard) I imagine that to them, the shock of your news, has thrown them, so they try to change the subject to something more within their comfort level. Of course it wasn't even remotely appropriate to bring up trying again... you're still in the midst of the early, very raw, depths of grief.

I do think you are doing amazingly well, one day you will look back and be amazed at your strength - no matter how many bottles of wine you want to drink.

Don't worry about crying in front of your DD. I know you may not like it, but she will adapt. Yes, life has changed, but to be honest children are amazingly resilient, and she will be fine. In fact I think it's healthy for children to know that it's OK to be sad & cry. She will also know that no matter how upset you are, you will be happy again - what a fantastic thing to learn xx

Thanks tamisara I just think that I should be doing, not moping. I know that might sound wrong, perhaps I should be wailing but its how I dealt after the birth and I think its my coping mechanism with death - I did exactly the same after the deaths of my grandparents - I decorated my bedroom after the recent death of my granddad - I know I shouldn't be doing - (less than) 6 days ago I gave birth to two breech babies - and I am incredibly sore "down there" but I have to. I guess I know what you mean about the ladies, I have been in similar situations myself so I should really know better, but I just can't help myself at the moment. Dh has had a few near misses today and I know that he is going through exactly the same as me (in fact he is probably going through worse tbh as he saw everything and was totally out of control whereas I had the luxury of drugs. Hope this makes sense. We have the fd round tomorrow to organise everything and we have no idea where to start any suggestion as neither me nor dh have had to do this for anyone let alone our boys. X

Kate (((hugs))) We'd never arranged a funeral before either. Most FDs are really good, and they sort of 'hold your hand' and talk you through it. We had the Chaplain from the hospital to do the service (he'd blessed Tamsin), and we emailed him, with what we wanted. I read two poems, one 'Little Snowdrop' and one I'd written, and we put two songs (Somewhere Over The Rainbow and Brahm's Lullaby) onto disc, and played them. I think we sung All Things Bright And Beautiful, but to be honest I'm a bit hazy on it, probably because it was something I had to survive, not drink in every memory iyswim?

I think you do whatever is right for you, if you cope by doing then that is what works for you - no one feels the same things about anything, let alone loss, so there are no rights or wrongs.

I think your DD will be fine. If it's any consolation my DD1 seems to be fine now. She was 16 months when I had Tamsin. She was very, very close to me. She'd never spent a night away from me. When I was induced with Tamsin, I went into hospital after she went to bed, then she didn't see me for 5 days. She was looked after by my parents, and survived on copious amounts of milk & chocolate.

When I came home I was different. I ended up having to have an EMCS, and my womb ruptured, so I couldn't even have her on my lap to start with - let alone pick her up. I did become detached from her a bit. She went from having a very close mum, to one who was incapacitated, cried loads, and was distant. I've recovered that closeness now, as I said kids are resilient.

I think you're doing so well. Take it easy, and look after yourself. If you need to cry then do. I will be thinking of you tomorrow, I hope it goes well xx

Dd is very confused at the moment, and I feel so sorry for her, so I don't want to be confusing her even more with an emotional wreck. Because of all the problems I had with Nathan and Stanley, Nathan had intra uterine growth restriction as well as them both having the ttts. I was very reticent to have her near my belly (from very early in the pregnancy)- mainly because she is a normal boysterous (iykwim) 2 1/2 year old. She also was kind of aware of the babies being in my tummy, everytime I went for scans (which was weekly) she saw that the drs were messing about with my belly and she still seems to think that she has babies in her tummy which breaks my heart everytime she says it but of course I know that she doesn't understand what has happened. She also saw the boys the days that we did in their moses basket and had some pictures taken with them and would say "aw very cute babies" and "sleeping babies" she even said wake up to them (I wasn't there dh was) but that would and is breaking my heart (crying now thinking about it) she touched Stanley and kissed them both on the foreheads - she did it without thinking and said bye bye to them. I can't bear that she has gone through this as much as we have and now she has a mother who is of no use to her at the moment because I just can't stop crying. Struggling to think of music for the boys - as I don't know what's appropriate - don't really want nursery rhymes (tamisara your choices are beautiful) as I don't want to be crying everytime dd plays/sings one. Xx

dear kate your sad, sad story has really touched me, to the point that I actually haven't been able to write on here, as the rawness of your emotions brought back a lot of those initial feelings of loss for my beautiful Mia. Nathan and Stanley are lovely names for your boys. I can't say how anyone manages to make it through these first nightmarish days. Just that this is the hardest thing you have ever done, and as others have said, just do whatever works for you, and don't feel obliged to hide your feelings for the sake of others. You seems very aware of yourself, which is good. Of course you are concerned about your DD, but even that concern helps me to say that I'm sure that she will be fine - although others here with living children will have far more pertinent words for you. Just be gentle on yourself. And breathe. Even that sometimes is a sufficient achievement in itself.

chip I apologise for not being on here to acknowledge Sylvie-Rose a few days ago. I hope you had an easy day. It is frightening how those days are slipping away between us and our beautiful children, isn't it?

cheese again, belatedly, thinking of you and Scarlett.

I think I have also been living in some sort of parallel universe, listening and feeling for everyone who has lost a child here, but somehow feeling very removed from it all. So yes, it still happens nearly eight months on... It has all hit me with a huge thud in the middle of our jubilee party yesterday, watching the other neighbouring families with their toddlers, second children and second pregnancies, thinking that this should be me, watching Mia run around, thinking happily about her (still secret) little sibling, whereas I mainly feel fear... had to come inside and have a huge sob session.

everlong we do all manage, somehow, but it's hardly a way we should live, is it?? I read something which resonated today though - as an goal we are all imperfect beings, and we are all pretty much trying our best - but it is possible to co-exist with our broken bits and to co-exist joyously with our broken bits.

I am sorry for hijacking this thread again .. but mum is gone 6 months tonight and I miss her loads

Out the blue today Ross says we didnt take Fraser balloons on his b/day this year mum .. no we took him pots and cherub for his garden.. well you need to take him some on his 8th birthday ...I just burst into tears, I cant believe he has been gone over 8 years and I can t believe my darling mum has been gone half a year ... time as abba says is "slipping through my fingers all the time "

thanks everlong..I am sat here with tears tripping down my face... I keep telling myself i need to get a grip and just cant tonight...

God even years down the line it all just comes flooding back...

FM thinking about you tonight. Wish I could help in some way - but I know I cant. Take care my friend xxxx

Peace and strength to you, fm, be kind to yourself and let yourself do whatever you need to.

Kate, we sang All Things Bright and Beautiful, had the Suffer the little children bible passage, No Matter What by Debi Gliori read by Peanut's Godparents, we walked in to Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring, and listened to Benedictus by Karl Jenkins and Little Wing by Jimi Hendrix. All items that mean a great deal to us. We played him Little Wing because it was the first piece MrY leant on the guitar, and we read him No Matter What as a bedtime story. We just went with things that meant a lot and were appropriate, we didn't want too long a service, but it needed to be significant to acknowledge our loss.
Planning a funeral is horrid, but our funeral director was fab, and helped us all the way. I hope yours is as good and supportive. PM me if you have any questions. x

Had a similar moment a few times over the long weekend Mias, we had planned all our jubilee activities around what Peanut would need. It's all such a slap in the face now. Hope you're doing ok.

Back to 'normality' tomorrow. Poor little Mouse has been sick a few times over the weekend, so I'll be keeping a close eye on her tomorrow instead of her going to nursery.

Quick question, aibu to ask MrY to tell his parents not to call her their little angel? It shakes me every time they say it, but I know it's just a little nickname. Should I let it go?

fm let it all out, cry and just for once, don't hold it together. The world won't mind... xx

right have just called my employee helpline and spoke to a lovely lady called Linda .. she spoke to me for about half an hour ... about mum and about Fraser.
She lost her mum 6 years ago and knows what its like. she was stunned when I told her about Fraser .. she said she couldnt imagine coping with the loss of a child and the loss of a mum at my age..

she was really helpful and is going to arrange counselling for me ...so thats a step in the right direction

She sounds lovely FM - I hope it helps you xxxx

This day, 10 years ago, my lovely Dad died. And I thought that was terrible grief. Little did I know..... Now, bizarrely, rather than being sad that he died so young, I am glad to think he's looking after my girl. Kind of messed-up really. He was a lovely Dad and he deserves me to wish he was here rather than there.

fm >. You are doing so well and have had such a tough year. Not surprising that once in a while you might crash and burn, that's allowed.

Thinking about you fm and all you of guys x

Thought I felt kicks just now, keep thinking I'm feeling kicks and I keep forgetting, its nice to forget but it doesn't last long enough.

Going to bed now, I think its going to be another bad night - don't think its ever going to get better- can't get their little faces out of my mind, but I don't want to ever forget them.

Nathan and Stanley my little wrigglers, I love you so very much and I need you back.

thanks girls.. oh kate I remember thinking I felt kicks too...

you just keep thinking it hasnt really happened dont you ...of course you feel the world is very dark and like you will never be happy again... but slowly very very slowly the sun will come out again. Thats not to belittle how you feel right now..your world right now is of course a sad dark lonely place but it will get better by degree... you wont notice it at first but eventually you will realise you have gone an hour without crying and then maybe half a day . Its a long slow process but eventually you will be able to look to the future and even enjoy your "new normality". Just take each hour as it comes at the moment sweetheart
the fact you have read my post and send me hugs is amazing when you have just lost your boys is amazing

chip .. it is kinda nice to think mum is looking after fraser but as you so aptly put it .."its kinda messed up"

your dad would be really proud of how you are coping... its still really early days for you and yet here you are holding out a helping hand to others

Morning girls xx

fm I hope today is a gentler day and I hope some sort of counselling is helpful for you. xx

Thanks for thinking of Belle on the dates list. She is on there lovely, by her full name Anabelle. I'll update the list with my new name now! :)

Oh kate I remember the phantom kicks :( lovely post from fm - she is right, although I know it is impossible to believe right now. I didn't used to believe it either, but somehow, eventually a new kind of happy sets in one day. Never perfect, but you learn to embrace the happy moments alongside the pain. For a long time I refused to accept happy times because I felt guilty, like I somehow wasn't allowed to smile anymore.

I remember the first time I actually genuinely laughed and smiled after B died, maybe 6/7 months afterwards and we'd had a lot of snow. Me, DH, my brother and SIL all went into the garden to build a snowman and play snowballs. So childish, but it was fun, I felt fun. It felt so foreign, and afterwards I cried and cried because I'd been happy, just for that short moment and felt guilty. Slowly now, after almost 2 years I'm starting to allow myself to enjoy things without feeling sadness. I promise you grief becomes different, not better, not perfect, but different, less raw. Its a long long road, for now you just concentrate on getting through the day xx

I don't understand the darkness around remember and birthday months either Everlong - you are right, it is just another month. But it isn't just another month all at the same time. I guess its the passing of time, another year rolling into another year, but not moving all at the same time. A part of me is absolutely stuck in June 2010. What a conflict.

We've had a really busy weekend with my Mum's 60th and jubilee stuff which has been good for me I think. I haven't had time to dwell on June, the ignoring strategy has been working perfectly! But today everything goes quiet and its all I can think about how to make a special 2nd birthday for B. Tired already and its only 9am.

I haven't even looked at this thread for a few days, I have just been hiding from everything.

If people don't mind, I would like to share the details of Dexter's funeral too. He was born alive at 24+2 weeks and fought really hard for 12 days, before catching pneumonia which was just too much for him to cope with. They phoned us on Friday after we got home to tell us we should come back into the NNU as he was having trouble. He hung on until Saturday evening, but was just getting weaker and weaker even with the maximum level of ventalation and drug help. The consultant said something that was hard to hear but did give us some comfort. He told us that this was not our decision to let Dexter go, but that Dexter was telling us he couldn't go on. He died in our arms.

His funeral was nearly two weeks later, and I found the wait horrific. I was terrified that the hospital were going to take him or do something to him without telling me and I would never see him again. It eased a little when he was moved to the FD close to us in the village, but then I ended up being rushed to hospital. Gallstones had caused me to have pancreatitis and I was in a lot of pain. I felt so helpless stuck back in hospital while my poor DH had to make all the arrangements. They had talked about keeping me in until after his funeral but I had a total freakout and they let me go. Will still need surgery soon, but that is another story.

His funeral was on a beautiful sunny day, two weeks ago today. We just had a tiny graveside service, me and DH, his parents, my mother and my grandparents. The service was led by the same humanist celebrant who conducted our wedding, and he cried throughout as well. He read this poem, www.funeralhelper.org/too-soon-mary-yarnall-child.html Which was perfect and exactly how we felt. He also talked a little about Dexter's life and how we had chosen his middle names after family members and although so so sad if felt good to have him acknowledged as a little person. A little member of our family. DH and I and our mums lowered his coffin in with ribbons and we scattered rose petals for him.

Writing this and sobbing and thinking of us all.