''Even the smallest of footprints have the power to leave an everlasting imprint on the Earth'' Remembering with love our darling children

[Whatevertheweather]

Remembering not only what we have lost but what our darling children have given to us.

A new 'safe haven' thread. Thank you Chip for our last one which filled up in just a month. A sure sign of lots of tears, smiles and wonderful support.

All our children have taught us something whether they were born sleeping, lived just a little while, weeks, months or years. Here are mine:

Never ever take anything for granted, life can change very quickly.
Listen to yourself; your instincts will nearly always be right.
That it is possible to function seemingly normally with a broken heart.
That I have a wonderful relationship that can withstand the hardest of times.
That love and support can come from the most unexpected sources.
That I have a lot of very lovely friends, new and old.
That my family is amazing.
That no matter what it is impossible not to smile and laugh with my beautiful Katie around.
That a rainbow can provide hope in the darkest of times.
That there will be good days and bad days
That I love my children more than I ever thought possible.

For all our darling children xxx

Blue xxx

Hi, I am currently running on about 45 minutes sleep, every time I close my eyes all I see is them. I keep thinking about what could have been, about why my waters broke, about why the operation we had to try and save them was the thing that potentially killed them. My brain is like a washing machine at the moment, and luckily I do have a lot of help being offered for my dd, but myself and her dad find her to be more of a nice distraction than anything and I don't think I am quite ready to not have her here at least. I was offered a drug (cabergoline) to suppress the milk production but the midwives made it sound like it could make me gamble my life savings or turn into a nymphomaniac and at the moment, as much as I really could care less about what happens to me, I still do have a very beautiful little girl to think about it, I may try the cabbage leaves, as I never really got engorged when I was breastfeeding my daughter (for 19 months) so I am willing to try anything. My dh is coping (as best he can) but he doesn't know what to do and feels very out of control. We called the f.d. Today to try and get things sorted, but it really doesn't help with it being jubilee atm as it looks like "it" will be next week, and I hate that they are "there" and will be "there" for that amount of time. X I can't really think of anything else to say at the moment as I am so, so tired but when I do, i'll post something, as this is also a very welcome distraction (as well as having nice people to talk to).

Kate I didn't take the cabergoline either. Try the cabbage leaves, and a tight-fitting bra. It is a pain that it's th jubilee weekend. Have you seen the registrar? Where we are you have to go to the council offices to see the registrar, but other places they may visit. If you haven't then see if your DH can do it on Wednesday, ready to take to the FD.

I know these words are meaningless now, but try not to worry about how long the funeral takes. Tamsin was born on the Sunday, but we couldn't get her buried for two weeks. Yes it's horrible to think of them laying there, but in a way I found it harder burying her - I hated that.

Are they still at the hospital? I don't know how other places work, but we kept Tamsin at the hospital, and were able to visit her twice, which was lovely. I don't know if it's possible, or even if you want, to visit them again. The only caveat with that, is they do 'deteriorate' (how I hate typing that), so if you are able/want, then it is better to be aware.

It sounds as if you're little girl is helping you, which is lovely.

It does (as everyone) has said, get better, and you will be amazed at your strength, get through this, everything else doesn't matter.

I love what shabs said earlier - about the early days being like walking in treacle, it's exactly that - and you will learn to walk faster, and it will seem as if the treacle turns into water, and then air xx

Chip (((hugs))) Thinking of Sylvie-Rose xx

Kate I think, if I was you, I would be tempted to show her this thread....sometimes if you dont know what to say it can be explained through 'the written word' or just say to her 'I dont know what to say.' Please dont be afraid to cry, scream or just be angry. There is no set pattern for grief and you have to go with however you feel at the time.

kate have you seen the community midwife before? I hope for you it's the one that followed you up. After I had Sterre, it was a midwife I'd never seen before, and she was rubbish. She wanted me to keep talking to her about it, and forced herself on to me by wanting to come for another visit. I didn't want to talk to her. She didn't seem to understand. So if you don't know what to say to her, don't feel like you have to.
I also felt very angry about not receiving 'official' documents for Sterre (she was born at 20 weeks). Any child you have given birth to, should be officially recognised in my opinion.

Kate I'm sad you didn't receive any kind of certificate... :( our hospital did one for Sterre.
Glad you will receive the SANDS one.
Sorry the midwife was a bit rubbish...

It doesn't sound horrible at all about the law! I feel exactly the same. I went under general anesthetic to have my placenta removed... apparently it's quite common with very early births that the placenta doesn't want to come out.

And by nothing I don't mean my boys, as bad as it was I would have gone through it all again (even to get the same result) with no pain relief.

Kate Oh lovely (((hugs))). I'm so sorry :( Genuinely crying for your little boys. I'm glad that you're getting a 'birth certificate' of sorts. Of course you're little boys are real children. The law lovely is an 'ass'! If I'd lost Tamsin at 20 weeks, then I know I'd have been just as devastated, as when I did lose her, so I do empathise with what you say, and agree with you.

I doubt it's any consolation, but the certificate we got for Tamsin was a certificate of "Stillbirth", which - again - doesn't really validate her. I know it's better than nothing - acutally no, the only thing that could make me happy is having her here, anything else is just peripherals iyswim xx

Kate Have you got a bereavment midwife? If you have then maybe you could phone her, she would (should) be more helpful than a general midwife, who really don't come across this sort of thing that often, and are the same as everyone else - some are more empathetic than others xx

kate you are soo right the stillbirth law should be changed ....after 20 weeks you have to go through labour no matter what so why shouldnt your sons be at least acknowledged in the stillbirth register

It sounds like the hospital is letting you down in terms of after care.. I really would call them.. as tami says you are a psot partum mum and as such you are entitled to the same after care as someone who got to bring thieir baby home.. they gave me tablets to take to stop lactation before Ieft and we had the midwife team leader coming out every day for 10 days. She would just come have a cuppa and a blether.

All you can do now is get through each hour as it comes.. try not to think too far ahead and take time to acknowledge your grief. I am glad you can come on here and talk.. I find the support really really helps

apologies to those who have see this before ...

I Am A Mother

I've loved my child right from the start,
A feeling that's filled my entire heart.
I went through the labor and suffered the pain,
For many long hours with nothing to gain.

I've spent sleepless nights being awake,
Though it's been a while my arms they still ache.
I've sat and I've wondered of how he would grow,
The love of my family that he'd come to know.

The sound of his voice as he learns to talk,
Watching his steps as he tries to walk.
I have a child that I really love so,
I am his mother yet nobody knows.

I've spent all these months feeling him grow,
I've lived through it all and have nothing to show.
I don't get invited to chat with young mothers,
Because I don't have a baby like all of the others.

I've got some stretch marks that I'd like to hide,
but I don't have a pram with a baby inside.
The people I've known for so many years,
Avoid me now, which adds to my tears.

I don't know how long I'll be feeling like this,
But one thing I know, my baby I miss.
When Mother's day comes it will be very hard,
I won't have any flowers, not even a card.

And just because he's not here with me,
I still have a son I wish I could see.
But one thing I know and this is for sure,
I'll be his mother forevermore!

• Author Unknown -

I haven't got a bereavement midwife as such, (the lovely ladies who delivered my boys were bereavement midwives and they couldn't have treated me more nicely even to the point where I could have stayed in the s.a.n.d.s room for a couple of extra night's (providing nobody else had to go through anything horrible) but I think I need one tbh. Or at least counselling. But the NHS is stretched and we go to the bottom of the pile unless we pay (which we can't) We were told every week that the babies were lucky to have gotten to the next week (even on days when we were given good news). We were even told on a Friday that they wouldn't make it to the Monday, but they did. This pregnancy has been so many ups and downs and I think that I may have developed antenatal depression possibly. I thought I had sunk to rock bottom then (during the ttts/laser ablation) but it seems you can sink further. My dd (light of my life) and dh are the ones keeping me going at the moment as well as the other distractions. I know that this is very much early days, im sure in twenty years it will still feel like that.

frasersmummy that is so beautiful, and I am crying again. ;(

hi girls,just wanted to say hello to everyone, im sorry i dont post much but life has been so busy and work takes over,but wanted newcomers to know how brillant these girls on this thread are,kept me going when i was swimming in the traclexx

Kate There are charities who provide free counselling, and you don't need to wait.

My bereavement midwife recommended waiting for 6 weeks before accessing counselling (not sure why, think it may be because the early days are so confusing and it does take a while for the reality to really hit home).

Have you phoned SANDS? It may be worth trying them. I see you're in Hampshire, so the Child Bereavement Charity, would probably be not much use to you.

It may be worth having a look at this page, scrolling down to 'bereavement' and seeing the contacts that are on here - maybe there will somewhere local to you www.tommys.org/page.aspx?pid=1049

It so hard in the early days, but the days do get a bit better. There is no magic button though, you have to go through the grief process, but it will get better, a little bit better, every day - promise xx

Thank you tamisara. I didn't realise that Tommys was a place I could go (if that makes sense). I am contemplating calling SANDs but I was going to leave it a few more days (I don't know why though). X
I am going to try and get some sleep now
I will post tomorrow as this really is very cathartic and talking to you guys in my sleep deprived/grief driven stupor is really helping. I think. X

I know, 18 months, really doesn't seem like that long but in other ways it does feel longer. I've said that so many times I'm sure but it's true! So much has happened and changed since then, it's quite surreal.

It's a few limbo days now, the 6th is when she was born so it'll be 18 months since she was actually born on the 6th. We had a good day at the natural history museum with the kids, they adored it and as nanny and grandad came too there were a little spoiled in the gift shop!

Kate huge hugs, it's still very much early days for you. shabs is right, it's like treacle. I remember waking up and half forgetting that Scarlett had gone but then having to relive it all over again.

I don't remember at what point I started to feel better but at first I slept for 3 hours at a time and my days and nights were mixed up, barely ate and just survived rather than lived. Gradually it did get better than that but I did struggle.

I agree with you on the stillbirth laws too, it should be changed. I had Scarlett at 37 weeks but it's the same no matter what gestation as you still have to give birth (hugs)

You're totally right, Kate, the law really should be looked at. I know there has to be a cut off point somewhere, but what we all need is to acknowledge our children and validate them as individuals. I would certainly try calling the local SANDS group, as well as looking at local charities to see if you can get counselling organised. Our SANDS group was just like this thread. Reassuring and comforting because they just all 'got it'. Hope you get some sleep. x

That's a lovely poem, fm.

Feel like shit today. I'm not used to my emotions being so intense and finding it really overwhelming. I'm just so numb to everything that's going on around me, I feel like I'm dreaming or watching someone else's life. I still can't believe that this has happened to me. I thought I had accepted it, but I guess it's still not really sunk in.

its strange when you have a stillborn child because their remember day is before their b/day ... you have that as cheese says "few days of limbo"..at the beginning when people ask when did you lose him/her .. another pointless question you find yourself saying well he/she died on this date but he/she was born on this date

I flipping well tripped over an uneven pavement today and have twisted my foot or summit... I am now hobbling about.. I couldnt get down the stairs at the hosp when i went to visit hubby .. had to bum my way down like a 2 year old...

MrsY A lot of us have had that feeling - that it's not really happened to us. I used to think I was in someone else's life, like my parallel life, in another universe, that somewhere was my real life (if I remember correctly chip said the same thing). I think it's normal. We can explore our emotions by watching something sad, and empathise with others, but it doesn't compare to it actually happening to us. We can't turn off the TV/film and go back to our real lives xx

FM Ouch! I hope it gets better soon, that's definitely not what you need right now xx

You are right about those limbo days fm and cheese - for me the limbo starts on 16th June and then B's birthday is the 21st. To be honest, for most of the year I don't find myself thinking about the 16th at all, it sort of jumps on me only now as we're going into June, not sure how to cope with those 5 days. The rest of the year I just think about the 21st. I don't tend to really talk about the day she died in RL, just that she was born sleeping on the 21st June.

I hate that Father's Day is in the middle of the limbo, and I expect it always will be. DH copes much better with it all than me though, he seems more accepting than I ever can be and embraces the joy of approaching Father's Day alongside everything else and the pain. He seems to have a handle on the bittersweetness now. The complete opposite to me and Mother's Day when I didn't know how to deal with it at all.

Love to you kate - I can feel the rawness in your posts and remember it only too well.

Yes, Tami, it feels like I'm in a back to the future kind of film, where something has happened that has shifted my life ino a parrallel universe. Everything is going on around me as normal, but it will neve be like it was before. Normal for me will always include the pain of losing Benedict.

I suppose my situation is somewhat clearer, as I went into abour still with hope that he was ok, we didn't know for sure he had died, so I don't have the limbo of a remember day before his birthday.

Father's Day will be one of our first real tests - I need to ask MrY what he wants to do.