''Even the smallest of footprints have the power to leave an everlasting imprint on the Earth'' Remembering with love our darling children

[Whatevertheweather]

Remembering not only what we have lost but what our darling children have given to us.

A new 'safe haven' thread. Thank you Chip for our last one which filled up in just a month. A sure sign of lots of tears, smiles and wonderful support.

All our children have taught us something whether they were born sleeping, lived just a little while, weeks, months or years. Here are mine:

Never ever take anything for granted, life can change very quickly.
Listen to yourself; your instincts will nearly always be right.
That it is possible to function  seemingly normally with a broken heart.
That I have a wonderful relationship that can withstand the hardest of times.
That love and support can come from the most unexpected sources.
That I have a lot of very lovely friends, new and old.
That my family is amazing.
That no matter what it is impossible not to smile and laugh with my beautiful Katie around.
That a rainbow can provide hope in the darkest of times.
That there will be good days and bad days
That I love my children more than I ever thought possible.

For all our darling children xxx

[frasersmummy]

Who is making people feel bad now ...like I say perhaps you would prefer if I didn't post

[chipmonkey]

Ladies, I think you are misunderstanding each other. I don't think everlong meant you specifically, fm and I think you are both essentially saying the same thing.

[Firsttobed]

Shabba I loved your If poem. If only it hadn't happened. tami yours too, thank you. Can't help feeling that only 7 weeks on I'm expected by some to be in that place now.

I've started writing to little B, but can't bear to read what I've written. We took some video just after he was born but I can't bear to see that either. I think I'm trying to shield myself from that overwhelming sense of grief and desolation that I'd feel if I saw myself or reflected on those words. Does anyone else find benefit of writing? It's strange because just now I think I'm doing ok.

fm I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time right now. How is your husband? Love and hugs xx

mia's sending you hugs in what must be a truly difficult time. You are fighting for your Mia in a way that she would I bet be proud of.

[shabbapinkfrog]

OK I have been at my friends tonight. 'Us oldies' were always here together...after a while we had at least 3 trolls...they came one after the other. We believed the first one and tried to help them, we believed the second and tried to help them, and finally we believed the third one. We never believed that another human being would make up such stories. We then all took a back seat and watched what was going on. I went out, on New Years Eve, about 3 years ago and watched a so called bereaved mum on meltdown. Her words to me were 'If you go out on New Years Eve and dont stay in and talk to me I WILL kill myself. I did go out but I spent all that night on my friends laptop worrying and crying about the what ifs!! I dont care who reports me to MNHQ and I totally dont care if I get a life time ban from this site...I am trying to tell all of you what we went through.

Nobody here - wether they are oldies or newbies can ever say we are trying to stir things up - we were overwhelmed with pictures (that were taken from the SIDS site and made someone elses) and messages.

I always try to put on a brave face and support other people. It is 30 years since Gareth died, at the age of 7 months and 20 years since my Matt was crushed to death under the wheels of a lorry at 7 years old. It makes me so angry that other people on Mumsnet are allowed to pretend but the minute that other people on here comment we are the total baddies!!

I fully expect to be banned in the morning from Mumsnet - whatever, do your worst - I am a 55 year old woman who has TWICE lived through every mums worst nightmare......I am more angry than I can ever explain.

I am glad you posted again Everlong...for what it is worth I think you are a lovely lady and you are also a Northern girl. Loosing a child is the worst thing you could ever try and live through. Being accused of stirring the crap is also totally wrong.

[travellingwilbury]

Good morning all x I am off to stupid work , I hope everyone is ok x

[orion3]

Morning everyone, I hope you're all okay too.
first I started to write to Jude straight after he died but soon found it too upsetting and bizarrely I reasoned with myself that he wouldnt understand all the long words (he was only 5). now I just talk out loud to him whenever I'm alone. I've since then started writing a blog and it had helped me a lot. I started it so that I could see if I'd made any progress through my grief but it's become more than that. It helps me keep memories and it's helped me to connect with other people in the same situation (and those much further down the road) I've found it very therapeutic. I look at my earliest posts and see that I'm not in the same place anymore.
I hope everyone has a good day.x

[shabbapinkfrog]

Morning girls.

Got my Grandson having a sleep over tonight. Last time he got up about 4am .

[HelenMumsnet]

Hello again. Just to be clear: we posted last night, not to criticise anyone - least of all frasersmummy or shabba - but to clear up any possible confusion.

We never ever have problems with anyone seeking reassurances from us at MNHQ about any poster on Mumsnet. And we particularly welcome them when the person asking is someone who has been 'burnt' by an emotional troll in the past - because we do understand how anxious and concerned they must be that this sort of thing never happens again (as are we).

We would never ban anyone who mailed in to us asking for this kind of reassurance - no matter how many times they did it. And we would hope, too, that others would understand why some posters may need to keep asking for reassurance.

We would, however, hope that folks followed our guidelines and didn't post any concerns or suspicions on the boards - where that kind of thing could cause untold hurt.

Again, we can confirm that we have no suspicions about anyone still posting on this thread.

[Tamisara]

Firsttobed I absolutely do benefit from writing, I wrote a lot of poems, and I find it very cathartic. I haven't written to Tamsin as such - some poems could are directed at her iykwim - but I do talk to her to, at her grave really. I'm feeling a bit teary this morning, so am not going to expand as I might lost grip. Don't worry what other people 'expect', grief has no time limit. It's not a test that you have to 'pass'. There are no prizes for being in a certain place, by a certain time. In fact you go forward & backwards... it is not a linear process xx

I did go to my nan & grandad's grave recently (well not grave, but where their ashes are interred, in a churchyard in Haddenham, where they lived). I asked them to look out for, and watch over Tamsin. God I miss my nan. I really, really do. DD1's birthday is the day before her's was. She never met her, and would have loved her, like she did DS.

shabs I find it abominable that anyone would take someone else's photos of a beloved child, and make out they are theirs - I'm not disputing it happened at all - I'm saying I don't understand the mindset. I have photos of Tamsin on here, and I'd hate for anyone to 'steal' them. I'm glad they are small, so I imagine they can't be used. I haven't got the same photos on facebook, as I don't want 'friends/aquaintances' some of whom are just people I knew at school, to look at them, I'd be scared that people would find her a morbid 'curiousity' or worse - be "offended" by her. I'm even in my photos, which proves their authenticity. If anyone used them, I'd be livid.

Orion (((hugs))) I don't know if I told you before, but Jude is so gorgeous xx

So I didn't want to say this, I wanted to be 'fine'. DSS is here. I was fine with it, even when the first thing he said when he saw DD1 was "how did she get injured?" (she has three tiny bruises on her forearms, and I don't know how she got them, but they are where her arm sits on her highchair tray). Anyway, I brushed that off. Last night he came home at 11.30pm. He asked where she was, I was confused and said "bed, of course". He then replied that he didn't think she had a set bedtime, that she went to bed when she fell asleep on the floor. I don't know why this has upset me so much. I think it's the 'inference' that she has a chaotic lifestyle with no structure, when the truth is she has set routines, that I never deviate from. I think I feel that he is implying that I'm a bad mother - after all his mum had two little girls, and she drunk & smoked through pregnancy, whereas I - a teetotal, non-smoker, couldn't even keep a baby safe. I just don't know where he got the idea that DD1 was just left to do her thing. I'm in a fucking awful mood now.

[Tamisara]

Whilst showing my mum some photos the other day, she agreed that Tamsin looked so much like DD1 when newborn. I wish I could share, and ask, my friends if this is the case, but only my closest friends have seen Tamsin (those who've wanted to see her). I've posted these photos on FB, but only those who are close can see them, which includes my friends from here (if you can't see them I may have forgotten to add you, so let me know). Please do not look if you may be upset by them. It saddens me how much they look alike, it really does xx

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

tami remember, your DSS is not a parent, and he really has no idea how you live your life, nor any right to comment upon it. Let it go as silly, uninformed prattle, which pretty much qualifies as DHAC-level to me. Please don't let him spoil your weekend, you are a lovely mother!!

first and orion I also have found writing here, and on my own thread about Mia to be incredibly helpful. It allows me to record my feelings and my memories, and helps me to understand better why I am upset or crying uncontrollably. And others who reply or respond help so much, giving me new insights or better ways about thinking about things when I can only see pain or darkness. I nearly always cry writing on my Mia thread, but once the words are out, it relieves the pressure somewhat. Like you, I am not sure I am ready to read all that I have written, and revisit the pain of the early days, but some kind friends here have send me my threads, so that I have them as a record of love for Mia.

everlong very glad you are back. fm and shabbs please stay around...

After my vent yesterday, the hospital called back and will arrange a meeting soon (better be!!), so we can at least finally discuss this second report. We have also been given a point of contact for all future communications, so hopefully things might improve... however, I did speak to the Patient Experience team about putting in a complaint, although I am not yet convinced anything we want changed will happen, as we have so many concerns and I am worried that the issues will be dealt in a leisurely way, and end up saying exactly the same things, or that we will be told it will all be dealt with in Mia's inquest. Yet I do feel that a formal complaint is needed, if only to make the hospital more publicly accountable about its behaviour.

[Tamisara]

Miasmummy Absolutely put in a formal complaint. I find it shocking, but not totally surprising. You have the strength. It's really awful for you though xx I forgot to ask did you go to Stoke for your scan? xxx

[shabbapinkfrog]

Tami - your DSS should be ignored in my opinion. You know how to parent your child and YOU know that you are doing everything right. I take it that he is not a parent yet? Some people need to keep their nose out.

[Bluetinkerbell]

ooh Kate so sorry you lost your beautiful boys! I lost my second daughter last year at 20 weeks pregnancy. She had triploidy which is incompatible with life.
You will find lots of support on here to get you through this 'dream'... big hugs x

tami Tamsin is beautiful just like DD1!

[chipmonkey]

Kate How very, very unfair. What lovely names you gave your little boys. It will be very raw for a while but we are here for you.

Tami, you are a wonderful Mum and you sound like you are doing much better than me with bedtimes!

[Tamisara]

Kate I am so sorry about Nathan & Stanley, so very sorry xx

everlong blue thank you. I wish I could make the photos more widely available on there, but (as you can see) some wouldn't be able to see behind Tamsin's marks xx

chip good at bedtimes, not so good at keeping her asleep all night sometimes. How you getting used to be being two feet less xx

So, I've just been up to DS's new flat, to help him read the meters, and measure up for curtains. I phoned the gas/electric company for him to sort it, then he stunned me by bursting into tears, saying he can't cope with the stress. He's gone off to see his GF, but I wish he'd stayed, or come uptown with him, as I want to help him sort things out. His tenancy begins on Monday - which is a pain as it's a bank holiday till Wednesday, and there is money owed on both gas & electric accounts, and as they're cards, he will have to pay it, then have it refunded. But he took his GF, who then walked off, leaving him alone. So he's gone off, hysterical, to meet her, refusing to allow me or my parents to help him. I'm worried about him, as I've never seen him cry like that, like a little boy on his first day at school again :(

[Tamisara]

everlong yes, it is. I'm sure he will be OK, I've phoned him xx