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My Mom Died Suddenly

140 replies

NotQuiteCockney · 27/01/2006 12:26

She's in Mexico, with Dad. I hadn't seen her since the summer, hadn't been good about emails lately. Heart attack. No surprise, but still.

DH is in a meeting somewhere where he can't have a phone. This afternoon is crazy busy for him, don't know what will happen.

DS1 is at school. I'm meant to be picking him up after, and going to a friend's place. Not a close friend. She has a new baby.

DS2 is playing under my feet. I'm just stuck. Fuck. I can't believe this.

OP posts:
mymama · 30/01/2006 12:11

Really sorry to hear NQC. My mum died suddenly 2 1/2 years ago and felt exactly the same with the fine/sad/fine/sad thing. Just go with the flow and do what feels okay. I personally think it is okay for kids to see you sad in these situations - it is all a real part of life. My thoughts are with you and your family at this time.

NotQuiteCockney · 30/01/2006 12:40

I'm ok with my kids seeing me upset. DS2 is too young to notice, and DS1 is being mellow about it all.

I am flailing at the moment, anyway, though, as I have said, I will go to Mexico, but seem to be unable to find accommodation in the right place. (I lie. I found a villa for $12,000 per week. I am not kidding. Everything else seems to be booked.)

I'll go look at some maps, I guess, and see what else might work ...

OP posts:
Marina · 30/01/2006 12:42

When are you off? Would a swift lunch in Spitalfields be do-able/help at all?

Have been thinking of you NQC

Dinosaur · 30/01/2006 12:46

I'm thinking of you too, NQC. And could do quick lunch at Spitalfields or wherever if any help.

motherinferior · 30/01/2006 12:50

I have just seen this; I am so very sorry.

NotQuiteCockney · 30/01/2006 12:53

Lunch isn't very practical at the moment, thanks to DS2 turning into a pumpkin promptly at 12.

I probably won't make the next NE London meet-up, either, as I think that was the 9th? Which I am flying out on.

I will have to make the next one.

I am holding up ok, going to see a local friend tonight, had some good chats with friends from back home, who knew my mom. (No-one here did, really.)

OP posts:
motherpeculiar · 31/01/2006 10:53

NQC - just seen this. I'm really sorry. Thinking of you. Hope you get the mexico stuff sorted quickly.

NotQuiteCockney · 01/02/2006 07:29

I'm making progress on Mexico. I have:

  • one b+b that doesn't normally take kids, but is willing to make an exception. And who are very helpful generally

  • another b+b that has space, but doesn't answer my emails asking for firm commitment (and offering to get a local to drop off a deposit), so I can book flights and relax.

  • another hotel I haven't tried before, recommended by B+B 1. I might call them, as their email address is hotmail.

I'm not getting upset any more, which is probably wrong and broken, but at least, yesterday, I did pretty much nothing. Just sat and knitted. DS2 went off with the nanny (who we normally only use twice per week) and was very happy about it.

Now I have to:

  • dig out clothes for trip
  • sort gifts for family? maybe not.
  • cancel milk, veg delivery, etc
  • talk to builders, who start tomorrow (!!) At least the tenants are out today.
  • panic about health issues etc with trip
  • figure out entertainments for flight
  • oh, yeah, book flights!
  • get ahold of a few more people I haven't told yet
  • do random admin (taxes, now late, although they would have been, anyway), NCT stuff, etc etc

We leave Thursday. I think.

OP posts:
Marina · 01/02/2006 10:26

Glad you are making practical progress on many fronts MQC. I would have thought it was entirely reasonable to be upset at one moment and functioning perfectly well the next. You can get a lot of admin done while in the deepest depths of grief, surprising, isn't it

NotQuiteCockney · 03/02/2006 07:14

The big practical stuff is done. We have flights and accommodation. I still need to call my dad, again, to give him the details of my flights, and my brother's flights, as they emailed those to me.

My MIL is being very very reasonable about all this. Sane people would ask, "why wouldn't she be?", but a few years back, when my dad was ill, and I was debating going to Mexico, she objected strenuously to me taking Magnus with me, as the Mexicans would steal him, as he is blond. (Because, yeah, their lovely dark-haired kids aren't cute enough for them?)

But she's being fine this time, thank goodness.

I am really not getting upset any more, not really. Which is broken, but whatever. I still have to sort out packing etc, gifts for family (if I bother), and I have to sort out some of the chaos around here, as the builders are going to come in and knock through the two houses while we are away (!!).

It does all seem a bit overly busy. DH finds out his bonus numbers the day before we go to Mexico.

And my concerns about the trip have changed from concerns about Mexico per se to concerns about coping with people. I will have to listen to lots of old North American people tell me how much they love Mexico, in a way that includes all sorts of mildly racist crap about Mexicans. I will have to listen to them talk about what a lovely perfect person my mom was ... she was an interesting person, and generally good, but as her daughter, I have a slightly different perspective on her than all these folks will. And I will have to listen to lots of lovely stuff about her writing skills etc, which I won't agree with, and will have to bite my tongue. (Both the form and the content of her "fiction" are troublesome to me. Particularly the content - it's always stories about the wider family, people who don't want her telling their stories from her perspective. And she's always absolutely perfect in these stories.)

OP posts:
almostanangel · 03/02/2006 07:28

morning [[[[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]]]]]]]

NotQuiteCockney · 06/02/2006 20:19

I'm struggling a bit. I feel depressed, which is obviously normal, but just not something I'm used to, tbh. Should I be just accepting this, and moping about, as much as I can? Or do I follow my instincts, which say to fight it, exercise a lot, keep busy, etc etc?

OP posts:
Spidermama · 06/02/2006 20:37

I'm no expert NQC but it sounds like you're being very strong. Perhaps you have so much to do that you can't completely give in to it. I would say that's normal.

Whatever you do is normal for you though.

God what a load of crap I'm talking. What I really want to say is ...OMG! I've only just found this thread. I'm so, so, sorry NQC. You're one of my favourite MNers and I wish you all the best. Sending lots of good vibes and thinking of you.

NotQuiteCockney · 06/02/2006 20:44

Thanks, spidermama, I really appreciate that. I really enjoy your company here, too.

I have gotten quite upset a few times, but yeah, just going to bed for a week isn't an option, so I haven't.

(Never mind that I'm busy sorting out Mexico, picking bathroom taps for the renovations, and generally flailing about.)

OP posts:
WharfRat · 06/02/2006 20:53

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