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Original poster

My Mom Died Suddenly

140 replies

NotQuiteCockney · 27/01/2006 12:26

She's in Mexico, with Dad. I hadn't seen her since the summer, hadn't been good about emails lately. Heart attack. No surprise, but still.

DH is in a meeting somewhere where he can't have a phone. This afternoon is crazy busy for him, don't know what will happen.

DS1 is at school. I'm meant to be picking him up after, and going to a friend's place. Not a close friend. She has a new baby.

DS2 is playing under my feet. I'm just stuck. Fuck. I can't believe this.

OP posts:
Tabs · 28/01/2006 07:02

So sorry for your loss NQC.
Sounds to me like you maybe shouldn't rush off to Mexico at the moment. You said that your dad isn't doing too bad considering, and has your sister there, so there's probably little that you could do of essential practical value.
Combine that with points A and C below, and that's a pretty resounding case for not going. Maybe wait a few days and go over for the funeral instead if you feel that that would help you to come to terms with what has happened?

Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 28/01/2006 07:05

I think I will try to convince dad to meet us somewhere, take a break somewhere else warm. We can fly him from Mexico to the Caribbean, we can meet him there, for half-term. I think being somewhere else might be good for him. And being around family would certainly help.

Apparently, yesterday, someone said to dad, "I'm so sorry you lost your wife". And he said "She's not lost, she's dead."

I don't think strangers are going to be up for coping with dad's sense of humour at this point.

I don't know what will happen with a funeral. I know she's been cremated, already (hot country). She wasn't at all religious (quite anti, in fact). I'd expect there would be a service in Mexico, and another one in Canada, in April, when Dad's back home? I guess we're going to Canada for our Easter break? No idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 28/01/2006 07:17

I think I will shower and eat and try to get everyone to the bathroom showroom this morning. I don't know what time SIL will come down, but if her and BIL want to take the boys away, while we lie still, that would be just fine.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 28/01/2006 07:19

Oddly enough, I feel a great urge to eat really really healthily, and exercise a lot. (Her diabetes was a contributing factor, I'm sure, as it does increase the heart attack risk. And she was in dreadful shape.)

OP posts:
Bink · 28/01/2006 07:53

Hi hon I'm up early too (thought I would just see how you're doing) - not knowing what to do & going back & forth is so normal. Is there anyone in your family particularly vulnerable that you can decide what to do in the short term on the basis it's "for them" in a way? Instead of asking yourself to know your own mind? - which is a tall order right now.

Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 28/01/2006 09:14

Good idea, bink. I think, though, to do that, I'd have to go to Mexico asap. Which ... well, I have loads of problems with.

I think I'm going into town to buy a toilet, instead. As you do.

SIL and BIL will appear at some point, with their DS.

OP posts:
winnie · 28/01/2006 09:16

NQC, thinking of you this morning x

busybusybee · 28/01/2006 09:20

NQC - i am so sorry - I have been wittering about hats and ways to knit them - I had no idea this had happened.

for you

LadySherlockofLGJ · 28/01/2006 09:24

NQC

Thinking about you this morning, your Dad's comment made me smile.

wilbur · 28/01/2006 09:30

Hi NQC - just checking to see how you're doing. Hope your dilemmas resolve somehow. FWIW, if you can attend one of the memorial services (the one in Canada, maybe as at least you know the city and will see friends) it would probably be a helpful thing for you. I found my dad's memorial service (about 8 months after he died) brought a very definite sense of closure for me, terribly sad but done, iyswim, and also it was good to see his friends and colleagues who had a slightly different view of him, to see him as a man, not just a father. Sorry, rambling, just wanted to say I'm thinking of you.

Hausfrau · 28/01/2006 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 28/01/2006 16:13

Talking about hats and how to knit them is a pleasant diversion from thinking about this.

Been up to town today, looked at toilets and baths and showers, met up with SIL and BIL.

Going to a memorial service of some sort would be good. I'm now thinking, if Dad gets home at the end of March, we can do something then, in Toronto. I know we'll all be together for a wedding in July, but I don't really want to have this be part of that. Well, I'm sure it will be, but still ...

OP posts:
brimfull · 28/01/2006 16:50

I'm so sorry NCQ,what a shock for you.

My parents live in Canada,they're getting on a bit and I'm dreading this happening.You feel so far away when these things happen don't you.

hoxtonchick · 28/01/2006 17:32

so sorry to hear this nqc. i think we live reasonably close to you, & your ds1 is the same age as my ds if you need any help.

blueteddy · 28/01/2006 17:53

Message withdrawn

AnnieSG · 28/01/2006 18:23

NQC, I'm so so sorry and I really understand. My mum died suddenly when I was in my early 20s (39 now). I felt like all my nerve ends were exposed, like my skin had disappeared or something. It's so terrible. I also had older parents and hated it when people asked her age because I thought they might think 'ah well then' if she wasn't younger. No offence to the person who asked, but I picked up on something in your reply about this.
I'm just so so sorry. Even though I don't know you, I'm sending you a virtual hug.

Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 28/01/2006 18:28

Well, there's no good age for these things.

I am feeling quite functional today, if a bit weird. I managed to go out for most of the day, and only felt teary really once (and we were outside, so a tear or two wasn't embarassing).

I don't know why, but it's important to me to carry on and be reasonably tough. Not 24/7, but at least part of the time.

I keep remembering the episode of Buffy where her mom has died, and it's all just really quiet. You know? That ep seemed really real when I saw it, and now it seems even more so.

OP posts:
bundy · 28/01/2006 18:31

ncq I'm so sorry to hear about this, much love bundlexxx

Sallystrawberry · 28/01/2006 18:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 28/01/2006 19:03

I know, being all over the place is normal, I do get quite teary. But I was happy to go out and get stuff done, feel part of the world, even if it all felt weird.

My appetite has gone rather seriously wrong, shocker. I'm just leaving it be, as much as I can. I'm not thin, so it won't do me any harm to not eat much for a few days.

I am feeling like exercising a lot though. I'm even more determined not to get diabetes any time soon.

OP posts:
Kayleigh · 28/01/2006 19:14

NQC, just found this thread. So sorry to hear your bad news.

Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 28/01/2006 19:21

Hmm, looks like we're going to Mexico. I told Dad which week was half-term, and the funeral-type-thing is that Sunday.

I think DH will fly with me to Mexico, stay for the funeral, then go to San Francisco, then NYC. Not sure about the trip home.

OP posts:
tamum · 28/01/2006 19:28

I wish there was something I could do to help. If I was closer I would gladly offer to look after your boys, although I realise that sounds completely empty

fishie · 28/01/2006 21:01

NQC so sorry. just seen this, do hope you are ok - what an awful thing. i'm in east london too if you need anything, errands, whatever.

Yorkiegirl · 28/01/2006 21:07

Message withdrawn

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