My Mom Died Suddenly

[NotQuiteCockney]

She's in Mexico, with Dad. I hadn't seen her since the summer, hadn't been good about emails lately. Heart attack. No surprise, but still.

DH is in a meeting somewhere where he can't have a phone. This afternoon is crazy busy for him, don't know what will happen.

DS1 is at school. I'm meant to be picking him up after, and going to a friend's place. Not a close friend. She has a new baby.

DS2 is playing under my feet. I'm just stuck. Fuck. I can't believe this.

Hope you're ok NQC. Been thinking about you.

I know you would, tamum.

I think we're ok. Both boys are going to the Natural History Museum in the morning with a neighbour, I think.

And I have to start booking flights to Mexico! I don't want to go to Mexico, but Dad arranged the memorial thing for half-term week, which he knew I could make it for, so we are going.

It's such a long way to go, and a lot to organise at a time like this, isn't it. Do you think you might possibly get something out of being there, seeing what she'd been seeing? I'm just so sorry.

Missed this NQC - I'm very sorry. You sound in shock to me, like it hasn't really sunk in yet - try and make some time for yourself in amongst all this dashing around organising stuff, won't you?

moo x

I think I will, tamum. For one thing, it will seem real. It just doesn't, now. I wasn't really very close to my mom, in a lot of ways, so going seems like the best thing.

Also, I'll get to see my dad and my sister, and maybe my (sorta) brother, which would be good.

I might try to fly her best friend down, too.

If I take time for myself, I just spend it sobbing. Which is a valid (and necessary?) use of time, I guess, but it doesn't feel like one.

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I agree with Pruni, it is something that has to be done, and not a waste of time at all. xxxx

Instead, I am pricing up very weird flight plans to Mexico.

It's all a bit hairy, DS1 gets out of "school" on Feb 10, although we can take him out early. The funeral of sorts is on Feb 12. DH would like to be in SF for Feb 14 (awards thingie).

After much looking at schedules and so on, it looks like DH will fly to Mexico with us on the 10th or 9th or something, and then fly off to do things in the states, then fly back home with us later.

I am officially No Good at taking time for this sort of thing. I had counselling in my teens, and might well have it again, in the wake of this, not least because my relationship with my mom was a big part of the need for counselling in the first place.

I would rather distract myself than sit and cry.

On a more amusing note, DS1 is very honest about all this. On Friday he said, "Later, Grandad will die, and you'll be like this again."

Ah, ds1 tells it how it is, eh? Quite astute of him, but maybe not what you wanted to hear. Counselling sounds like it might really help, but I guess you have to get the nightmare trip over first. You won't have to fly on your own with the boys will you?

Not across the ocean, and probably not at all. Maybe a small transfer flight.

Flights are very very weird. Upon finding the cheapest way to go from London to Guadalajara was via Paris with Air France, we looked at flights from Paris to Guadalajara. The cheapest ones are using American carriers. Too weird.

(I don't know why I bother, we can afford whatever, it doesn't matter. I will probably just phone a travel agent.)

But yeah, current plan is, we all fly to Mexico together, DH jets off to do his thing, then comes back to fly us home. But we might meet up at a transfer point on our way home instead, so we do Mexico->Atlanta or something, then Atlanta->London. He does NYC->Atlanta->London. Or something. There are no direct flights to that part of Mexico, except from Mexico City and various American hubs.

His first response, upon hearing Baba was dead, was, "oh, at least Gran is ok". Which is perfectly understandable, he knows MIL much better than he knew my mom, but still! Not what I wanted to hear.

Err, no.

Blimey, what a difficult journey. I think you're right, you could just put it all into the hands of a travel agent and get the most straightforward route and just get it over and done with.

Well, I've got the flights ok on Opodo, a range of flights, even, but yeah, I think I'd rather have a ... oh, wait, we can get an AA/BA flight ... there's a whole air miles thing. Also, BA has seatback telly on long flights, and I don't know whether the American carriers do.

Yeah, I'll talk to a travel agent.

I've asked Dad to try to sort out a rental car seat, or borrow one or whatever. We can take a booster for DS1 ...

Also, I have to sort accommodation. Don't really want to deal with a travel agent for that, I think the net is better ...

I've also been thinking I should sort out my driving before we go (legally, can totally drive, practically, haven't for years) but of course this is a stupid goal. I'll just make sure we're staying in a town, so I don't go stir crazy.

And I will use random stranger babysitting, as I am a Horrible Mother.

(There is some sort of irony there, as my mother used to hire the weirdest people to take care of us, we had drunken babysitters, and they all hated either my sister or me, and loved the other one. And I'm actually pretty fussy about who takes care of my kids on a regular basis, just not that bothered about a day here or there, particularly for talking kids.)

And now it looks like there's not much accommodation free in the town I'm trying to go to. That I don't want to go to. Grr.

oh NQC, I am sorry... it sounds very complicated & extremely stressful. How are you coping in yourself today? (I know, stupid question!)

I actually feel mostly ok. It still doesn't entirely seem real. And I'm rushing about, a bit, trying to sort out accommodation etc. I've offered to pay for mom's best friend to go, as she's in Toronto, and I know funds are sometimes quite tight for her.

DH is offering to stay with us in Mexico, rather than go to work, go to SF etc, but I dunno, I want him to carry on with normal life. He'll come to the service, then go off, I think.

I am hoping, though, that this whole thing will help his team become more independant, and not expect him to be available 24/7.

How long ago did your mum die, winnie? I did read your thread ... I totally understand about praying for her to die, a friend of mine died of oesophagal cancer, years ago, and although he was only ill for a few months, it was a really fast cancer, the end still seemed to take forever.

NQC, Mum died on 11th jan... and as the funeral was only this week the emptiness is only now flooding in... (if emptiness can flood!!??!!)
Whilst I was busy I didn't get much chance to let it sink in for long.

How lovely that you are helping your Mum's friend travel. That is kind. As for your Dh take support where you can find it. And ask for it when you need it. When my Dad died suddenly of a heart attack I didn't ask for support and virtually had a breakdown several months later.

Anyway, less of me, thinking of you, Winnie x

just seen this. I am very sorry for your loss. thinking of you xxx

DH has pretty much convinced me that he should just go to SF for the awards dinner, and then come back to us. It will be great having him there. He will get to NYC in the summer, anyway, in the middle of our summer holidays.

If I stop, if I'm not busy, I burst into tears.

Also, I appear to be unable to eat. Unsurprisingly. I had something like a normal meal for tea, and then felt really ill.

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