My beautiful red-headed 13-month daughter died totally unexpectedly

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

I have never posted on mumsnet before, while my beautiful Mia was alive, although I read all the advice often. So I feel a bit of a fraud now - I can't be her mummy anymore.

She died nearly four weeks ago now. We had the most beautiful, touching service, with our families from all over the world with us, and we have been so touched by all the love shown to us by friends, friends of family, friends of friends, and even people who we don't even know.

But I hurt so much. The pain returns afresh each day, overwhelming me, even though I am managing to get up, get out of the house, and function on a basic level.

Mia wasn't supposed to die. She was so happy, developing well, eating well, with no sign of illness. But she was, it turns out.

I am her mummy, and she spent so much time with me. How could I not know?? How can we go on and adapt to a life without her? Obviously, people manage somehow, but I keep fighting the fact that she is really gone, and we will never see her smile again, kiss her soft curls or hold her in our arms. It is so wrong.

It doesn't surprise me for a second that your love for Mia was so visible to your parents while she was with you, as it's so clear for us, as strangers, just from the words you write here. I picture the three of you so clearly from the stories you've retold to us, and the love shared between each of you is obvious.

Wishing you much strength and peace, as always.

You will always be her Mummy xx

Your posts about Mia are so sad and beautiful, miasmummy. I have looked at your photos of her, and what an adorable, sunny little girl she was. I just want you to know that your little family are in my thoughts every single day, and that when times are hard and my two DCs are running me ragged, remembering Mia helps me to stay calm and focus on what's important: cherishing every second with those I love.

You said in an earlier post that you hoped you might have another child one day. I hope so too. You have so much love in your heart and it is clear that you are a wonderful mother. Wishing you strength and peace. xx

Lovely words, as always. And grateful, as always.

My cache of memories of Mia is a huge, sparkling diamond. Each little moment is a different facet, which brings light and love into my world, and by looking even more closely, you can see the little intricacies which make up the beauty of the whole. Seen from afar, the diamond creates delicate prisms of light, which arc and change the world beyond, creating new beauty. And the dominant colour is a rich, golden-Mia flame, to warm my heart. And like a diamond, love endures, and you submit willingly to this force of nature.

Glancing through photos of Mia, I saw one of my favourites. It was a year ago today that Mia first experienced a swing by herself. The sensation of gently gliding through the air, feeling a soft breeze on her skin, moving closer to mummy, then away again, and back again, absolutely enchanted her. Cue her wide grin of delight, giggles of joy and trills of excitement. A slide was equally exciting, although perplexing, as Mia attempted to climb back up the slippery surface. I rescued her, so she could experience the whoosh back to the sand below.

Such simple pleasures. Such love.

What a weird life I lead now.

... I dreamt about Mia last night. She was a bit grumpy and I was holding her in my arms, consoling her. It felt so wonderful, feeling her weight against me, her little arms around mine. Somehow, I was thinking that I could make things better, and that I figured out a way to stop her dying, which made me so happy. She fell asleep, contented, and I kissed her soft forehead, and she smiled in response in her sleep. Her skin was so soft. It was terrible to wake and find it all wasn't true. Mia still isn't here.

... going to a farm shop with my NCT friends, and watching the constant movement of the children, their fascination with the chickens, their concentration on picking daisies. And not having Mia with me, to pick up and take home, tired out from her afternoon's adventures.

... receiving a lovely letter from a family friend, who also recently lost her adult son. She also recognised the simple truth of just breathe in coming to terms with loss. Her final words we, like you, no doubt will press on one day at a time as we have no choice but to do just that.

... working with my DH on a letter to the hospital, trying to ensure that their root cause analysis report addresses the significant issues, trying to get some sort of response from them.

I'm not sure what sort of life this is. It simply hurts. A great, gaping hole of love, which is Mia.

Your account of your dream about Mia is heartbreaking.

Nothing to say, really, except that I'm sending hugs and thinking of you. xx

Miasmummy, what huge challenges - I so admire you, really, I do.

Love, love, love and hugs xxx

Your posts still bring me to tears every time.

You (and your friend) shouldn't have to press on. Nobody should.

Oh Mia, I miss you so much, little girl.how can you not be here?

Mia's mummy, I wish I had the words to tell you how sad I feel for you. I've been following your thread but never posted because I could never find the right words.

But to think of you so sad breaks my heart, I sadly lost my baby girl, 10 years ago and I just wanted to reach out to you.

Sorry that I can't find the words to express myself well but you and your baby girl Mia are in my prayers.

I was up in the night, trying to settle my 8-month-old, and I thought of you as I sat in the dark with him, miasmummy. I hoped that, if Mia was in your dreams, they would be dreams from which you woke feeling a little happier - not ones that intensified your pain like the one you described recently.

Even the few words of your last post bring tears to my eyes. Your love for Mia, and your anguish at losing her, permeate every word and are almost unbearable to read. Life shouldn't be like this, and I wish you peace with all my heart.

YFINAH, I'm so sorry you lost your baby girl too. xx

As ever your words are beautiful and full of love for your gorgeous girl, be still and let the memories ignite once more. Love and blessings to you and yours.

YFINAH, monster and pookie your supportive posts, and all the others here, help so much. This path of loss is hard to navigate, and YFINAH, I am so sorry that you have also experienced it. It seems there are too many of us, hidden away. It should not be.

Family around today, lovely walk in the bluebell woods, enjoyable meal tonight... It feels like life is back to 'normal'. Of course, that life has disappeared now, the one where Mia is here with us. It is these moments which overwhelm. Right now, I feel so strongly that she is going to come back to us. But that is a foolish, unhelpful notion I should not entertain. The best I can hope for is Mia-filled dreams, and remember with love the days with my little red-headed girl.

Today, Mia would be 20 months old. A milestone which would probably go by unnoticed in the daily business of life if she were here. If only. If only.

It seems appropriate, then, for this to be my final post on this thread, as it is nearly full. I have been debating as to whether I should start a new one, and have decided that it is something I still need to do. I still miss Mia every moment of every day, and being able to pour out my feelings here provides a safe outlet to do so. It helps me to remember the wonderful adventures we had together, and somehow cope with the terrible grief and sadness when it overwhelms me. None of these stops. The tears will never stop.

Most of all, dear friends, I must thank you all for your amazing support, your kind words, your insights and perspectives. So many of you have been here for me. You have travelled this path with me, and shown me new ways to deal with the decisions of life without Mia. You have made me cry with your sensitive, loving thoughts. You have shown me just how much kindness there is in the world. For all this, I simply cannot express my gratitude.

And now some words from Mia's aunt, which capture Mia perfectly.

Baby Mia, we picture your face alight with laughter
As you bounce up and down with happiness
Baby Mia, we delight as we remember your toothy grin
As you smile up at those you love

Baby Mia, we marvel at the mess you made
As you embarked upon your daily feasts
Baby Mia, we revel still in your baby smell
And your dimpled legs that were good enough to eat

Baby Mia, we loved to touch your red fluffy hair
As unique as you, both fiery and sweet
Baby Mia, we see you dressed in purple, lime and orange
Colours vibrant, but somehow delicate on you

Baby Mia, we see just how proud your parents were
As they watched you grow and learn and change
Baby Mia, our hearts both lift and fall when we now think of you
As we wish you eternal peace.

Mia, I am so, so proud of you. You only had golden moments, my flame-haired sprite. You live in my heart forever. My darling girl. Love, Mummy xx

I have never written here before but have been reading about Mia from the start of your thread. I have cried and thought about Mia ever since, She is wonderful, she is alive in my imagination through your words.
I am not a great writer as i tend to waffle or cut myself short afraid to waffle! but I so want you to know that you have given life to your Mia twice, once into the world and secondly here, to us all out here, who now know about a red headed, chirpy, squeaky imp who appears in sunsets, autumn leaves and anything gloriously flamelike. She will never leave many of us and I think about her often as i push my son about. I think of shakespeare,

"So long as men can read, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee"

My son was born in october 2010 and feel very emotional and inarticulate as you could be me and I could be you.

I wish you love and light in your future

I agree with Griselda that your posts bring Mia to life. When I look at your lovely photos of her, I can barely grasp that such a lively little girl has gone. It is quite awful to think how infinitely more acutely you must feel this.

I'll follow your posts through the next thread you create, and I hope that, by the time the new one is full, you will have found a renewed peace. xx

It has been a privilege to know your beautiful Mia through your words.
Mia's aunt has captured her perfectly too with the poem, and the pain of losing her. I am glad it has helped you to post on here, and hope you will continue to share your journey of grief with us.

Maybe you can link your new thread to this one so anyone new who wants to read it can do so. You are in my thoughts and prayers xx

Mia's mummy I have also never posted on your thread before but I have sat beside you through your grief in mind and spirit, if not body. Your words and stories about Mia continue to bring me to tears and like others have said I now feel like I know your darling girl.
I will continue to read your beautiful words on your new thread and wish you peace and happiness from afar x

Thank you Mia's mummy for sharing your beautiful Mia with us and I am glad the thread will continue. I hope you will continue to gain support, help, friendship and love from the people here.

As I have said before Mia has touched me very deeply and the wider community here. You really don't realise what an extraordinary mother you are- I am inspired, humbled and wish I could emulate you.

My dear granny died at the weekend, she was old, had been unwell and in great pain and although I miss her I am glad she's in heaven finally at peace. But that's the way the world should be, not the young dying.

I prayed for Mia at church when we prayed for my Granny. We were at a beautiful solemn sung Latin mass and I could feel the songs soaring straight to heaven.

I'm doing a reflection at her funeral next week and I thought I would share some of the words with you...

I am waiting for you for an interval
Somewhere very near
Just around the corner
All is well.
Nothing is past; nothing is lost
One brief moment and all will be as it was before
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!

What a lovely reflection jmf

As ever MiasMummy my thoughts and prayers are with you and your DH. And I emulate the words the others have said.

x

Mia's mummy, I too have never posted but have been with you from the beginning. I think of Mia every day, some little thing will remind me of a girl who I only know through the love of her mother.

Thank you for sharing Mia with us, your memories and your love . I will continue on with you x

Such beautiful words from you all. I have the best inspiration in the world to keep me going - Mia. Thank you, thank you for being there for me. And for anyone who would like to keep listening, here is my new thread