My beautiful red-headed 13-month daughter died totally unexpectedly

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

I have never posted on mumsnet before, while my beautiful Mia was alive, although I read all the advice often. So I feel a bit of a fraud now - I can't be her mummy anymore.

She died nearly four weeks ago now. We had the most beautiful, touching service, with our families from all over the world with us, and we have been so touched by all the love shown to us by friends, friends of family, friends of friends, and even people who we don't even know.

But I hurt so much. The pain returns afresh each day, overwhelming me, even though I am managing to get up, get out of the house, and function on a basic level.

Mia wasn't supposed to die. She was so happy, developing well, eating well, with no sign of illness. But she was, it turns out.

I am her mummy, and she spent so much time with me. How could I not know?? How can we go on and adapt to a life without her? Obviously, people manage somehow, but I keep fighting the fact that she is really gone, and we will never see her smile again, kiss her soft curls or hold her in our arms. It is so wrong.

My beautiful Mia,

We miss you so, your daddy and I. Our 'new life' began six months ago today. A life without you to make every day spectacular and special, heightened by your presence. It's not a life I ever dreamed of. It's not a life I want, but it seems I have no choice in the matter.

How we loved your interest in the world! Using your special pointing finger and a little squeak, you would ask us about things which caught your eye, and you wanted to understand - A boiling saucepan, the sunlight in the trees, an aeroplane in the sky, a little box which opened and closed. You listened so intently to our explanations, keen to make sense of this fascinating world.

You had such a sense of fun. Squeezing your balloon tightly, with a cheeky grin, daring me to stop you. Crawling away from me, a quick glance behind to ensure I was chasing you, as you scuttled out the door into the hall. Teasing us, pretending to share a little precious food morsel, then popping it into your own mouth. Finding a bar of chocolate on a table and trying to put the whole thing in your mouth. Such a funny little girl. You made us laugh so much.

I loved it when you learnt something new. Bouncing up and down, you conveyed your joy at being able to brush my hair. Clapping in delight when you discovered your belly button. Such a wonderful look of happiness as you slid down a slide. You were so proud of yourself.

And always, always, your actions were accompanied by a whole litany of special Mia noises. You were so very noisy!! I wish I could hear you speaking your first words now. Shaking your head, with a funny snickering noise which you repeated when you heard us laugh in response. Your squeals of excitement and victory as you discovered that standing upright gave you a new world perspective. Your full-throated screams of indignation when I put you in your cot and you weren't ready to sleep... deafening and discordant, and sometimes alarming to friends who hadn't experienced them before.

You have taught me so much. I always knew how much I loved you, and how much I will always love you. Yet you have shown me that there is huge compassion, as well as terrible injustice in this world - not in grandiose visions, but in those small, kind gestures of love and friendship from friends known and unknown. You have taught me that the world is both a better and worse place than I could ever imagine. You have given me so much evidence that this life somehow intersects with a life beyond. And finally, you have given me the gift of hope.

These are bittersweet lessons. I would exchange them all in a second, if I could. However, I will accept them, as precious gifts from you, my darling girl.

I love you always, forever, to infinity.

Mummy xx

Beautiful words as always for your lovely little girl x

Beautiful words indeed for lovely Mia xx

Dear MiaAlexandras Mummy, just to say how my heart goes out to you in the loss of your immeasurably precious little bud Mia, who wsn't granted the chance to be the exquisite blossom that she would have been here on earth. (I have followed much of your thread over the past few months). I am sure that you would rather have had any pain but this one that you have had to bear. I can't even begin to imagine how it must be for you, to have to face and cope with this, toughest of all possible calls.

I recently lost my beloved Mum. She was 89 and ready to go. Yet the world is still a smaller place now for her absence. I grieve for her daily - yet when I think of your pain, I tell myself to stop, as I have no cause, compared to what you are going through. Only just in case it might be of any tiny bit of help to you, this is what I am doing at the moment, and I'm finding that it meets a need for me and gives me a comforting feeling that seems right. At the end of our garden (which overlooks a field) I am creating a special garden for my Mum. Her name was Rosemary, so I am planting some special roses, a couple of rosemary bushes, and a wildflower garden. I have found a little statue of Mother Mary (because rose + mary = her name) and am getting a little seat to put there so I can go there to contemplate and communicate with her when I feel the need. You have probably done everything possible similar to help you grieve for little Mia, so please forgive me if it's a suggestion that may not be right for you at all. But if it's an idea that rings a bell with you, it may possibly also bring you some peace, to research some special flowers or plants, perhaps find a special little statue, and make her a unique little memorial garden where you can go to quietly celebrate her beautiful sweet short life? nature can sometimes be more healing than many human ways.

Here are two more things that are on my heart for you at the moment, I hope you will not mind my sharing them:

'In small proportions we just beauties see;
And in short measures, life may perfect be'
(Ben Jonson, 1573 - 1637)

and 2 Timothy 1:10: 'Christ Jesus who has destroyed death...'...if this is true, then you WILL see Mia again one day.

With much love and thoughts at this special time.

Thoughts and prayers for you, your husband and Mia today.
Mia is so loved and she must be so proud of you and how you are finding strength, hope and love in your life.

I was thinking of the Olympic flame and drawing comparisons with your flame haired girl. The flame represents purity and perfection. Mia has been blessed with purity and perfection now.
The flame burning bright, a symbol of love , hope and lightening up all who see it. Your little flame brought so much love to all those who know her and far beyond.
Bless you Mia xx

Love and light to you and your loving husband. You have touched the hearts of many precious Mia, your bright flame will always be alive in many people's hearts, many who never met you xxxxx

Thinking of you all and sending love X

Thinking of you and wondering if you might like this Tagore poem:

This song of mine will wind its music around you,
my child, like the fond arms of love.

The song of mine will touch your forehead
like a kiss of blessing.

When you are alone it will sit by your side and
whisper in your ear, when you are in the crowd
it will fence you about with aloofness.

My song will be like a pair of wings to your dreams,
it will transport your heart to the verge of the unknown.

It will be like the faithful star overhead
when dark night is over your road.

My song will sit in the pupils of your eyes,
and will carry your sight into the heart of things.

And when my voice is silenced in death,
my song will speak in your living heart.

~Rabindranath Tagore

Such beautiful words from you all. It has been such a hard day. Tomorrow will be better.

I hope today you feel stronger, may you and yours find peace and happiness. Stay strong and just keep writing, you are fantastic xxx

The little WoollyHugs purse arrived yesterday. And inside, there was a beautiful rust-coloured crochet maple leaf from Knotty, as she felt that purses should never be empty...

Ahh how lovely.

Hope today has been easier on you?

Yesterday was still a very hard day, with much heaviness inside.

I was in Monsoon, looking at possible dresses for a July wedding I am attending, and all the summer clothing for little girls was on the same floor. It hit me so forcefully that I can't enjoy choosing Mia's summer outfits this year, or ever again - and then a song with the words came on "I love you more every day" It is so very true. A sob fest on the way home when I should be singing silly songs to Mia instead.

It's been decided that a pre-inquest review is needed next month. Our lawyer thinks we need two weeks to ensure all the facts are brought out about Mia's treatment, whereas the coroner currently only thinks two days will be necessary... I don't know what I want, longer will be harder, but I don't want to walk away knowing that there was more information that had not be properly revealed. I want justice for my beautiful girl.

I received this text from a lovely friend last night "My DD and I have just driven home in the view of a beautiful rainbow. I told DD that rainbows are made from the love of our special friends and family no longer on earth. When I mentioned Mia, DD pointed up and waved hello, I hope Mia was watching."

I'm sure she was watching. It's little moments like this, when friends show how much they care, which help ease the pain. Mia is a huge rainbow.

Sending love to you and yours, how beautiful about the rainbows. Mia is always with you, she will always be your gorgeous baby girl . Stay strongxxx

Oh you poor love. Mia sounds wonderful. I am so sorry. x

I'm so sorry to hear that yesterday was so hard and I hope today has been a little easier for you.

With regard to the pre-inquest review I really pray you find the strength to face what you have to endure. Of course it will be harder if it is longer, but you have the strength deep inside you to do this.
You all deserve the truth to be uncovered, for the correct measures to be taken and for those involved to be held responsible for their actions and omissions.
Knowing this was done properly even though the time it will take and the details will be so painful to hear is the only way to ensure you are not tormented by doubts, unanswered questions and regret. Mia, your and your DH and your family deserve the truth.

So many people will be behind you supporting you in any way they can with this. Thoughts, love, prayers, posts, messages are filled with the deepest heartfelt support for you and I really hope they can go a little way in helping you with what lies ahead.

Take care.

It's been a challenging morning. Distant relatives came around, and they are very kind, but we had to go through the whole medical situation about Mia, as they weren't aware of the full facts. It's only when I saw the continued horror in their eyes that it made me realise how terrible it all must sound. I don't say that to sound brave, it is knowledge that we simply have to live with.

All the rain has made me think of the times that I took Mia to swimming lessons. At first, she was very nervous and noisy, so I took her to another pool where we practised the various activities quietly - jumping in, going underwater, lying on her back. With just her mummy there, someone Mia loved and trusted implicitly, she relaxed in the water, and grew more confident. It was a lovely experience to give her. Best of all was when she would hug me so tightly, sitting in my arms, as we played together. My little water baby.

It is so hard to keep going over the medical details. I'm glad that you got through it.

You write so beautifully about Mia and you give us a real sense of who she is.x

This is the full Ben Jonson poem that the author Susan Hill had said at the funeral of her baby daughter Imogen and part of it subsequently engraved on her headstone -

The Noble Nature

 IT is not growing like a tree
 In bulk, doth make man better be;

Or standing long an oak, three hundred year,
To fall a log at last, dry, bald, and sear:
A lily of a day
Is fairer far in May,
Although it fall and die that night,--
It was the plant and flower of Light.
In small proportions we just beauties see;
And in short measures life may perfect be.

Ben Jonson

Says it perfectly, I feel.

atreegrows what a beautiful poem. The last line is so poignant.

Today DH did a team 10K run with his colleagues in the most miserable weather with horizontal rain and freezing winds. He carried Mia in his heart.

Afterwards, we all met up in a bar, and happily chatted for a couple of hours. I realised that I can do the light-hearted, superficial conversations relatively easily now, but that I tend to shy away from deeper conversations, apart from with a very few people with whom I feel safe. I also don't ring up people to chat anymore, or spontaneously invite people over for dinner or the weekend - things I used to love to do to catch up with friends. That makes me sad. I have always been so open about my feelings, and happy to share my life with my special people. Now, I just can't. It keeps the turmoil in my heart at bay.

I miss Mia at such odd moments. At a roundabout, I think about Mia's little heart stopping. My little smiley girl - how can this be? Standing cheering all the runners today, I admired their endeavour, and become overcome at the tenacity of the human spirit, and think of all the people who love Mia. In the rain, thinking whether she would have been scared or interested by all the crowds around us, just wishing that I could hold her and keep her safe. These moments occur all the time. How can you ever explain to anyone else the workings of a mind of a person who misses their daughter unbearably? Sometimes, it's easier not to.

oh, miasmummy, my heart aches for you.

I've been lurking on this thread for so long, & wanting to post, but never knowing what to say. Still don't, really...you were such a sweet little family. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I'm glad you have MN to talk to.

darling little mia

may Allah(God) give you all strength and peace sometime soon.

When twilight drops her curtain down
and pins it with a star
remember your little mia
Because she will not go far

you will always be her mother, and what a wonderful and inspiring mother she had.
All my love and my prayers x

You can say whatever you like on here, there are many of us listening and we feel your pain and love for Mia. Be brave, one day the pain will not be so sharp, you have lovely times ahead , with the knowledge that Mia has touched the hearts of sooo many people who never met her.xxxxxxx