My beautiful red-headed 13-month daughter died totally unexpectedly

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

I have never posted on mumsnet before, while my beautiful Mia was alive, although I read all the advice often. So I feel a bit of a fraud now - I can't be her mummy anymore.

She died nearly four weeks ago now. We had the most beautiful, touching service, with our families from all over the world with us, and we have been so touched by all the love shown to us by friends, friends of family, friends of friends, and even people who we don't even know.

But I hurt so much. The pain returns afresh each day, overwhelming me, even though I am managing to get up, get out of the house, and function on a basic level.

Mia wasn't supposed to die. She was so happy, developing well, eating well, with no sign of illness. But she was, it turns out.

I am her mummy, and she spent so much time with me. How could I not know?? How can we go on and adapt to a life without her? Obviously, people manage somehow, but I keep fighting the fact that she is really gone, and we will never see her smile again, kiss her soft curls or hold her in our arms. It is so wrong.

Every time I read your posts my heart bleeds for you.

Bringing you cups of tea. I think about the countless hours I would spend with my DD at the local playground as she played 'cafes' round the climbing frame, and I would be playing along in a half hearted way, desperate for her to get fed up so that we could go home and I could get on with ..... what?

It is so hard to acknowledge that we do not always treasure all those precious tines, or cherish every moment, because life gets in the way.

Or not.

Mias, you didn't betray or deny Mia. But like me, I'm sure you feel the physical absence of your daughter and sometimes, depending on who you're with, it's automatic to try to fit in with what they will visualise when you talk to them. So, for me, if I say "I have four boys", it's the truth but it's also a lie by omission because if she were here, I would say "I have five children"
But I correct myself too, I feel bad if I think I've left her out.

You didn't betray her nor deny her. It's such a very hard question to answer 'appropriately' every time (appropriately's not the right word, but I hope you know what I mean). I know also that the response from people to being told the full truth is something that can really upset bereaved mothers and fathers because it's not something most people can deal with particularly well without forethought. I know I've not said the right thing in response to a woman I met telling me her daughter had died, and I felt terrible and awful for months. You dealt with it really well and I think the womand's response to you was right too.

Actually the lady's response was very insightful.

That's what I was trying to say too chip

How is your DH doing MIa'sMummy ?

Yes, I was amazed and so very appreciative for this woman's graceful response about Mia. I already found her interesting, but that she was able to say something so sensitive meant that I felt I'd really like to know her better.

I think my DH is struggling a bit at the moment. He is very upset and angry at the hospital and the coroner at the moment, as they are not providing us with any information. He doesn't say much, just admits to those feelings, then changes the subject... We met with the hospital five weeks ago, and still don't have any meeting notes. Also, we are still chasing outstanding documents from the coroner, and have no idea when Mia's inquest will be scheduled, none at all. Just sometime after September... I think he feels very powerless, and when I was so upset in bed the other night because of the other children, he ended up writing an email to the hospital, sitting next to me, until 1am in the morning, desperate to try and protect me, and wrest some control over our lives.

He is also feeling guilty. He doesn't really believe in God at all, but has suddenly decided that he is being punished by a vengeful, Old Testament-like god for various things he did or didn't do - for not giving blood after Mia was born, as he promised ; for being worried about sudden heart pains and asking to be allowed to live ; for not taking her to the hospital earlier in the day - all things which have become blown out of proportion. I have suggested counselling for him, but I know he isn't keen, and he associates very negative connotations to the whole experience. But I know he is keeping it all inside him, and that isn't good.

On top of that, we are in the last throes of our house purchase, which has had some very stressful moments. It will be good if we finally complete tomorrow. It is a lovely home, and sadly, with the most perfect garden for children to explore...

Mia, your daddy so loved his summer evening jaunts with you around the garden, telling you things as he cuddled you safe in his arms. He misses you so much, smiley girl. You were his dream come true.

Miasmummy, I read this thread a lot, but dont post, your descriptions of your beautiful Mia are lovely and heart breaking at the same time. I am so veyr sorry for your loss.

Chipmonkey, I (in a different guise) contriubuted to your blanket, I hope you feel the love in it everytime its out. My heart breaks for you too.

I love the roses you have, beautiful tributes to your beautiful babies.

With gentle unmummsnetty hugs to you both. xx

Mia's mummy- I am so sorry to hear of your husband's torment as that is how it sounds.
With regard to the hospital and coroner have you a lawyer involved who could take over the chasing of this information. It sounds like they really need a bit of pressure and it needs to be escalated upwards to get the information you need. So hard for you both to do as it relates to your darling Mia and what happened to her. 5 weeks to wait for meeting notes is appalling- if you could face doing it I would suggest writing letters to the chief executive, medical and nursing directors may produce some results.
For your husband it does sound like talking to someone would be helpful. He sounds very caught up in guilt and anger and that takes a lot of processing to work through. If his negative connotations are from previous personal experience or stories he has heard maybe seeing his GP with you might help and they could suggest someone local who could help. Many people go into bereavement counselling especially the counselling of bevereaved parents after they have expereinced it themselves. Talking to someone who has travelled his same hard path may be helpful.
Is he maybe frightened that he might see someone and they say- yes you could have done more, you are being punished. Of course that wouldn't happen but maybe its a fear he can't express.
I hope he is able to find someone to talk to that can help him.
I also really hope and pray that he experiences a loving God in his life- the thought of him feeling punished by a vengeful God is such a devastating thought.

The insight of the lady you met sounds really deep- I wonder if she has had some loss in her life. Sometimes people just come into our lives at a time when we need the extra support or understanding.

Good luck with the house completion.
I pray that God will bless your home and may your home be filled with love, light, happiness and laughter once more.
Sleep peacefully.

JaneDoe, I haven't yet received the blanket but Pistey is coming to deliver it next week and I am very excited about meeting her and receiving the beautiful blanket. I intend to use it as a snuggle blanket when I am missing Sylvie-Rose and know I will feel like I am being hugged by all the MNers who contributed.

Mias, I think my dh felt the same and truthfully I wondered at times if I was being punished, in my case for wanting a little girl when I had four lovely boys. But having read lots of books and web articles of the spiritual variety, I have come to the conclusion that God doesn't work like that. I do think that this awful thing that has happened is, if anything, an exercise in strength and love. We are forced to continue to love someone that we can't see and we are forced to seek answers that we wouldn't otherwise have sought. I do think that there may be something in the theory that we choose this life, in the same way as a body-builder chooses to select a weight to lift which other people wouldn't even dream of trying. That before we come to earth, before the amnesia that besets us on birth, that we choose a life of temporary separation from our children in order that we will build strength out of pain. But because we don't remember making the choice and taking on the soul-building challenge, we feel that we are being punished and that life is treating us so, so harshly. And that finally, when this life is done, we meet with our children again and realise that they were there beside us all along and that we are better and purer people.
And sometimes, our naughty little children, hating to see us sad, wait till God turns his back and then send us little nature signs that they are still with us!

I have no idea if I'm right, but I feel I am!

chip I also don't believe that God is vengeful. I am not really sure what I do believe, but in any guise, I can only see God beside us, in tears, mourning Mia as much as we do, bound by laws which cannot be broken.

Yes, you are right jmf, my DH is tormented, and doesn't know how to move forward. I am concerned that DH will keep pushing down the bad feelings, and will just have to keep on trying quietly to convince him to talk to someone, and let him know he doesn't always need to be brave and strong for me.

I ended up speaking to both the coroner and the hospital myself, which resulted in the meeting notes appearing today, and a better idea of behind-the-scenes activity by the coroner's office. I think I will just keep calling them both regularly, and take on that burden, although I still cannot read any medical records or witness statements.

I was looking at the videos of Mia's birthday tonight, and smiled at her crazy stand-up morning hair and bemused expression at the appearance of the paper-wrapped parcels and the break in her morning routine of giggles and cuddles in bed. I kept thinking things like "I must find her a better fitting growsuit" or "I have to remember to give her more paper to play with, she loves ripping it". Even after five months, that is still my instinctive reaction.

Being Mia's mummy is who I am. She is part of me. Magical little flame of mine.

Mias, sorry, I did witter on about what I believe! If I go off on a tangent on your lovely Mia thread again, just slap me!

Also, Mias, not sure if it's a man thing but dh doesn't really want to talk to anyone either. He also finds it hard to look at photos, whereas I feel more connected to her when I look at the photos.

chip no need to apologise.

Well, we are home owners. Of a home with a Wendy house, a sand pit, and swings. A perfect house for a toddler girl to explore... But she won't. In my head, she does. Mia runs around, climbing stairs with a handful of leaves to show me, following the path of a bumblebee, touching the blossoms of flowers, and inevitably, being stung by a nettle and running back, wailing loudly, for a cuddle. Of course, I swing her up into my arms and soothe her.

We went to a garden centre today, and at the tills, I saw that they also offered children's birthday parties. I was quite intrigued, but realised I couldn't pick one up because of the inevitable question I would be asked. My DH, not knowing what I had seen, wandered into the chidren's area, and there saw a big sign "Happy Birthday Mia".

Sweet girl, please know we will always celebrate your birthdays, and see you exploring the garden. You travel with us every day, every second. We love you so.

YAY for house ownership, Mias! Still praying Mia will arrange for a brother or sister to come and play in that sandpit.

So sorry for your loss. I am 10 years into mine. Life does go on, cruelly and wonderfully. You will always be her mum. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other x

Sweetheart, why isn't this just a sick April's Day joke? Why are you gone?

I awoke this morning with a vivid dream dancing in my head. I was holding a little red-headed girl, who definitely wasn't Mia, but who was so sweet. I didn't want to let her go, but I knew I had to give her back. To whom, I don't know. Maybe I knew somehow I was waking up, and I didn't want the dream to finish... but it was lovely having a happy, smiley child in my arms again.

How I loved holding Mia, feeling her chubby little fingers on my arms, her head resting against my chest. It was the most wonderful experience, and she was all mine. She still is.

Hmm, little sister on her way?

Miasmummy, hi - I'm just stopping by to say that you and Mia have been my thoughts and prayers as ever. I am so sorry your DH is experiencing such powerful and tangled emotions, he has been so stoic and strong - as others have said I hope he finds an outlet and someone he feels comfortable to talk to. Perhaps Shakespeare may better convince him of the need to talk...

"Give sorrow words;
the grief that does not speak;
whispers the o?er-fraught heart
and bids it break".

And some words, which I think lovely and hopeful, for you:

"My life has been a tapestry of rich and royal hue
An everlasting vision of the everchanging view
A wondrous woven magic in bits of blue and gold
A tapestry to feel and see, impossible to hold.

 In fact our lives are ?tapestries,? and the death of a loved one is a ripping, gaping, bleeding hole in the very midst of that tapestry of our life. How, then, is the tapestry rewoven? It does not, with the mere passage of time, magically pull itself back together. Rather, it is rewoven only with the initiative, energy, and strength of the survivor reaching in and grasping the torn ends of threads, painfully pulling them back and tying them together. And it is rewoven only with those persons around the survivor cutting threads from their own tapestries and bringing them to the survivor, with love and support and caring and tears and strength, helping to further tie the threads and fill in the gaping hole.
 So, eventually, the tapestry is rewoven. But that ?glitch? is always there, the roughness of that reweaving is, and always will be, apparent. In fact it may be twenty years from now, as the survivor reviews the tapestry of his or her life, or is in a particular setting, or hears a song on the radio, or remembers a special day of the month, that the rewoven seam is seen and felt again, and the survivor remembers and cries, or feels sad, or is touched by the love and caring expressed by those whose threads are apparent there?and that is perfectly normal. We do not recover from a death, but when we allow others to help, we can reweave our tapestry".

Once again Miasmummy, sending you all the love and hope I can, Dxx

Sending you and yours love and light, may all your wishes come true. Keep writing about Mia , you have such a talent.xxx

Sorry Mia'sMummy I asked after your DH and then didn't reply. I'm sorry he's struggling so much - I think it must be so hard for him to have to deal with 'normal' life at work while tackling the lackadaisical progress from the hospital and coroner. It's good that you've managed to get some repsonse from them.
I wonder if he'd find it helpful to write his feelings down, even if not to be kept. I know you've said you find writing here therapeutic, and maybe he would too (even if he burnt the letters or deleted the documents)?

Good news about the house. That must be a relief for you, however minimal compared to your life's trials.

Hugs xxxx

dubaipieeye - the piece about the tapestry is beautiful and so true. No life is ever perfect. Some of us have more heartbreak than others, and some people have more obvious challenges and difficulties. But they are there for all of us. I love the image of other people surrounding the survivor and helping to reweave a tapestry which can still be beautiful, despite the imperfections.