My beautiful red-headed 13-month daughter died totally unexpectedly

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

I have never posted on mumsnet before, while my beautiful Mia was alive, although I read all the advice often. So I feel a bit of a fraud now - I can't be her mummy anymore.

She died nearly four weeks ago now. We had the most beautiful, touching service, with our families from all over the world with us, and we have been so touched by all the love shown to us by friends, friends of family, friends of friends, and even people who we don't even know.

But I hurt so much. The pain returns afresh each day, overwhelming me, even though I am managing to get up, get out of the house, and function on a basic level.

Mia wasn't supposed to die. She was so happy, developing well, eating well, with no sign of illness. But she was, it turns out.

I am her mummy, and she spent so much time with me. How could I not know?? How can we go on and adapt to a life without her? Obviously, people manage somehow, but I keep fighting the fact that she is really gone, and we will never see her smile again, kiss her soft curls or hold her in our arms. It is so wrong.

This is an absolutely awful story, and all I can say is what everyone else is saying: I'm so sorry. Every mum who reads what you wrote about your little Mia will be sharing in your pain. I'm sitting here with my 7mo DS on my lap and I just gave him a big cuddle and kiss for your Mia. It sounds like you're doing an amazing job by being able to carry on functioning at some level. I understand your guilt as I think I'd feel it too - but of course it's not your fault. You are as much a victim as Mia. Big hugs from one mummy to another. I hope you find some peace soon. xxxx

Today intersects birthdays and birthday memories. Mia would be 19 months old today - such a day of joy the day she arrived into our lives! And today is the birthday of both Mia's grandads - one who writes here, the other who died 3 years ago from Alzheimers, a quiet, gentle man who adored his family.

DH has been very reflective today. He doesn't speak much about his dad, but today he did so. He is also missing Mia so very much, with similar feelings to me, a sense of unreality about our life.

But as he wrote to his family today, when we die, we live on in the memory of those who love us and whose lives we have touched. So true. Forever Mia.

It is true. She is part of you and always will be. And the ripples from her life are spreading out and continuing to touch the lives of many others.

Birthday wishes to Mia's grandad. I hope the coming year is blessed with happier days for you and your family.

Birthday thoughts and prayers to Mia's other grandad- he sounds a lovely man but then that is not surprising considering what a wonderful son he has.
I'm sure we can celebrate in heaven- and Mia and her grandad have shared their special day togther today.

May the joy and love you felt 19 months ago today not leave you with sadness today but leave you with peace, love and strength as you remember Mia so proudly.

I've been away for a while but haven't stopped thinking of you and your family. I can never write as eloquently as callmemrs and jmf294 but I echo their sentiments entirely. Wishing you, Mia's Grandad and your husband much peace and love.

Stay strong, those who we love who have passed are still very much around us. Carry on with your beautiful pieces about Mia, she has touched all our hearts. The pain will ease and Iknow you and your family will find true happiness, you can be happy and still remember your angel xxxx

This morning I woke and spent some time looking through the panoply of photos we have of Mia. My DH has taken so many beautiful ones of her, I can't help smiling at them. He just loved taking photos of his beautiful girl. I am so grateful he always took so many, in order to try for the elusive 'perfect' shot.

Yet they are all perfect to me, as he has captured so many of Mia's different expressions - laughter, curiosity, adventure, intellect, amusement, concern, cheekiness. Photos of Mia concentrating on a new toy; her perplexed look as she examines a plant ; her excitement in bathing with her big cousins ; her utter disgust at tasting food for the first time ; her pride as she shows off, standing next to her block trolley ; her contentment as she cuddles in my arms ; her teasing look of innocence as she investigates my handbag. What struck me is that, in image after image, Mia has such a look of love as she gazes into the camera. Yes, that is my girl, my lovely clever girl!

So much joy. So much love. Such wonderful moments.

I see that loving twinkle in the pictures you have shared with us Miasmummy. Mia looks like a supremely happy child.

Love, light, prayers and daily thoughts, as ever. Dx

It is our anniversary today. A magical day two years ago, where DH and I committed our lives and loves to one another, while Mia was four months growing inside me. It was the happiest day of my life, until she arrived in the world, at which point, every day with her was the happiest day ever.

Yes, Mia was indeed such a very happy little girl (most of the time!!) and when she wasn't, it was always for a good reason, and she was certainly very noisy in letting us know!!

A lovely friend writes to me often, and recently, she wrote Happy mothers make happy babies, and added - no matter where they are. I was very grateful for that small, thoughtful addition. Those simple words made me realise that my happiness now is still important to her, and I should not feel guilty for happy moments, or allow myself to become too caught up with the singularly debilitating emotion of grief.

Happy anniversary Miasmummy!
May the love between you and your DH deepen and grow as you start another year of married life.

Your happiness is so important to Mia, to you, your DH and to all who know and love you. Although you have experienced the worst loss and pain a mother could that doesn't exclude you from deserving happiness and being able to feel it again.
Everything may be different and changed- like looking at life though a hazy glass window- when once it was so clear.
But feeling guilty for having some happiness is like leaving some beautiful flowers without water - they will fade.

Try and let that guilt go...
Jo

Thank you jmf. One thing that has not changed between DH and I is the knowledge of how much we love one another. It is the last thing we say to one another every night. I know, that in this way, we are so lucky.

Mia was the perfect product of our love. Half of the best of each of us. Someone amazing and unique.

I am starting to receive invites for spring and summer get-togethers with friends, and have realised that my reactions to these have changed. Previously, I would always happily accept. Now, I am more cautious - and far more nervous about exposing myself, and my emotional well-being, to groups of people, particularly if they are not close friends. Simply being honest, being around acquaintances whom I haven't seen for years makes me feel very awkward, as would receiving their belated sympathies about Mia. I'm not sure I can cope with that, to be honest. Also, I am a little worried my presence inevitably will make things a bit strained for what should be a happy day. I am totally aware that this sounds awful, and I am probably being uber-sensitive, but I really cannot deal with being nice to people from whom I am going to receive trite platitudes about my beautiful little girl. Mia is worth so much more than that.

At the same time, I have been reading that it is really up to the bereaved parent to make the effort with friends who don't stay in touch, and so I have to make the attempts where I can.

It's a difficult balance. But I seem to have to do that a lot - balancing my grief and sadness for Mia with my love and joy for her.

Miasmummy please don't feel you have to go to these gatherings. You have to listen to your instincts. Why should you spend hours putting on a brave face when you really really don't want to? You must be using every reserve of energy just getting through the days at the moment.

I think the saying "be kind to yourself" could not be more apt here.

I've written to my friend and explained - he was very understanding. I suspected he would be.

I had a prospective business discussion today, and when asked directly what recent work I had done, I had to explain about Mia. I knew it was / is going to be a question which would inevitably come up, but I was able to reply calmly. In yet another example of kind intelligence, this woman responded sympathetically, but not in an awkward, overly-effusive manner, and we were able to surmount this tricky moment and continue the conversation.

Since we have been away, I have felt I am sleeping safe in the midst of my family. DH on one side, and a photo of Mia on the other... She has been appearing in my dreams far more regularly than ever before, and it's almost like I can take her presence for granted, whereas before it was such a rare occurrence. Comforting. Yet I wake very early, and lie there, thinking of my magical red-head, wondering how my life has brought me here.

Yet this afternoon, there were tears. I had downloaded a tv programme, and someone in the show was talking about a missing person, and watching them on a video, and said When I watch this, I feel like they are here.

How I know that feeling... Mia blowing raspberries, Mia on the slide, Mia pretending to be a little fishy in her daddy's arms, Mia with her trolley. I can watch them without ever tiring, seeking out little nuances in her actions every time.

How I wish there were more. Mia walking. Mia running. Mia with all her teeth. Simple growing-up moments that all children have. She has them in my head, growing every day.

I received a lovely, but totally unexpected message in my MN inbox this morning. A very kind MN-er recently won a WoollyHugs crochet purse in a raffle on the website, and very kindly asked if it could be sent to me instead.

The note brought tears to my eyes. Such kindness. I will cherish it. To me, it represents the very best of the human spirit and its huge capacity for compassion. This, if nothing else, is what I have learnt from Mia.

Thank you, lovely anonymous person.

MiaAlexandrasmummy Your posts about Mia truly are moving and sad. Your love for her shines through. You are quite right that Mia is worth so much more than the trite statements of sympathy that people make, but I wanted you to know that you and Mia have been in my thoughts every day since I read your OP. xxxx

micro I do love Mia so much. I am just so proud of her, to be her mother, to have contributed to her happiness.

Yesterday, I had an overnight strategy away-day for the college where I am a governor. I felt fine about staying, even though it was the first time in perhaps a year DH and I had been apart. Throughout the time, I enjoyed others' company, getting to know my fellow governors, and the whole event. However, it was obviously harder than I realised, and pressure of being around people I didn't know well for 24 hours had an emotional cost...At some light-hearted teasing by DH when I arrived home, I burst into big sobbing tears. I did the same again later.

I am on the receiving end of another cycle of different friends asking how I am again. All those questions which are so hard to answer. My child died, of course I am going to be different, but my mood is so changeable, sometimes I am strong, and feel enlivened by the joy and love I feel for Mia ; others, I am dragged down deep by the anger, hurt and sorrow for her little life that isn't. I am doing things, I can smile and carry on, but that doesn't mean I ever forget what has happened. That would be impossible. I am changed forever. How do you explain all of that in a simple response? To merely say 'I am fine" would never be right...

I guess that it is not surprising that all I have wanted to do this afternoon is curl up with a trashy book, and escape my reality for a while.

Love you Mia. xx

My DH loves have cuddles with our friends' babies. I love watching him holding them. Yet it is hard too. He misses Mia so.

You are and will be stronger than you think. Carry on with your writings of Mia , they are beautiful. xxxxx

Six months ago, on a Sunday morning, Mia and DH had a shower together, as they frequently did. They looked so happy, Mia snuggled into her daddy's arms, her head nestled into his chest, both a little bedraggled but ultimately content. I took a few photos of them, as it was a lovely sight which made me smile.

They are the last photos I ever took of my beautiful girl, as she sat safe in the arms of her adoring daddy.

Six months ago tonight, our nightmare began. We trusted the system with our most precious, beloved daughter.

What a milestone :(. So sorry, as ever, Mia's Mummy

x

Doubling my love and prayers for you tonight, Miasmummy. Please let Miasdaddy know that people are thinking of him too. What a wonderful Daddy Mia was able to love and be adored by x

Sending hugs Miasmummy. What a huge amount of love little Mia had, and still has. Well done to you and your husband for getting through the past horrible six months together: many relationships would not have survived. Wishing you both peace and happiness. xx4