'The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears' - bereaved parents thread.

[DawnOfTheDeementedDead]

'PLEASE SAY THEIR NAMES'

The time of concern is over. No longer are we asked how we're doing. Never are the names of our children mentioned to us. A curtain descends. The moment has passed. Life's slip from frequent recall. There are exceptions: close and compassionate friends, sensitive and loving family. Still look. Still ask. Still listen. Thank God for them. For most, the drama is over. The spotlight is off. Applause is silent.

But for us the play will never end. The effects on us are timeless. What can be said, you ask? Please say "their names" to us. Love does not die. Their names are written on our lives. You may feel that they are dead. We feel that they are of the dead and still they live. They ghost-walk our souls, beckoning in future welcome. You say, "They were our children"; we say "They are". Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again. It hurts to bury their memory in silence. What they were in flesh is no longer with us. What they are in spirit stays within us always. They were of our past but they are part of our now. They are our hope for the future. Please understand we cannot forget. We would not if we could.

We know that you cannot know, yesterday we were like you. Understand that we dwell in both flesh and spirit. We do not ask you to walk this road. The ascent is steep and the burden heavy. We walk it not by choice. We would rather walk it with them in the flesh, looking not to spirit worlds beyond. We are what we have to be. What we have lost, you cannot feel. What we have gained you may not see. Please say " their names" for they are alive. We will meet them again, although in many ways we've never parted. Their spirits play light songs, appear in sunrises and sunsets. They are real and shadow, they were and they are.

Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again.
They are our children and we love them as we always did.
More each day.

'PLEASE, SAY THEIR NAMES'

In memory of my darling forever-baby Ciaran. I loved you from the moment i saw those two pink lines, and i'll love you til i draw my last breath as a wizened old woman of 103. You taught me what it was to truly love, and although you could only stay such a short time, you made me a better person and my world a better place. I'm so glad to have known you.

Hi Parti thanks for that, the bear is lovely I will buy one. I asked MN to remove that post because I thought it might upset some of the mums. I am feeling a bit emotional and mixed up today, it will pass. You will be in my thoughts over the coming week, all the anniverseries are so difficult. xx

Sorry you're having such a difficult day Lavandes, but please don't beat yourself up for having a bad one. There is no "right" way to deal with grief, and certainly no timetable. Personally, I think it's helpful for others to see how we struggle with our grief if they are unfortunate enough to be in a similar position (in a 'it shows there's no right or wrong way to be' kind of way) Hugs from here xx
Fluffy's posts over the last week certainly hit a nerve for me - I have found the last couple of months harder than any time since DD1 was born. I think my nephew's premature (and difficult) birth somehow precipitated it, but I can't be sure exactly why. I think sometimes it just bites you on the bum xx

Moomin a sad but very warm welcome. Would you like to tell us about Jacob? Huge because I remember the awful fog of the first month. It is just over 8 weeks now since Erin died and it does get a little easier.

Cheese sorry your MIL is still being a loon, you really don't need that right now.

Shabs your post about Lew has given me goosebumps. Apparently when I was about 6 I pointed to a picture of a tractor and said 'when I was a little boy I feel out of one of them and that's how I died'. What I didn't know was that my Dads brother had died falling out of a tractor when he was 6 and my Dad was 8. Needless to say my saying that spooked my Dad a bit!

Lavandes sorry to hear you're having a tough time xx

Well tomorrow is PM results day. Still scared but we will deal with whatever it is.

lavandes hugs for you!

whatever will be thinking of you tomorrow! what time is your appointment?

been having an on/off day myself... day started badly with my period, been feeling grumpy and low and very disappointed :( and very emotional...
so wanted to be pregnant again before Sterre's due date... will know have to live with it that I won't... I know that's the way it should go but it's difficult to cope with.
Had fun with DD this morning making salt dough christmas decorations, but also been cross with her and shouted at her several times today :( we always make up though and say sorry, but just feel bad that I can't control it.

lavandes sorry you're feeling mixed up.

Welcome Moomin so very sorry about Jacob and sorry you have to join us.

Cheese wow, your MIL is truly self-absorbed and paranoid, isn't she! Maybe you should let Dee loose on her!

Shabba wow about Lewis! And no, I'm not going to call it spooky because I do think sometimes people are sent here and don't get the chance to finish what they came here to do and are given a second chance. My ds3 never met my Dad but has many of the same facial expressions. Once, we had attended a funeral and ds3 asked me "Mammy, do you remember when my other father died?" Another time I asked him a question and he replied "Indeed I do!" which sounded very grown up for him ( he's 6) and was also something my Dad said a lot!

Whatever you will be in my thoughts and prayers tomorrow.

Oh, Blue I know we only know each other from MN but I know you are a lovely Mum! We are all human and we all take things out on our kids when we shouldn't. And I know you will get pg soon and have your rainbow baby. Sorry it isn't as soon as you would have liked.

Thanks blue it's 10am thank goodness so we don't have to wait all day! Sorry to hear AF has arrived . Fx for this month. It must be so hard xx

Lavendes I know those feelings so well. xxxxx

thanks ladies! I need to start thinking positive! Think I will have a massive glass of gin and lemonade tonight If I get pregnant this month today is the first day of my new pregnancy :)
I know I might be a bit too focussed on trying to get pregnant again, but I can't help it. I just miss it so much these days. I should have been in my last week being massive with Sterre and looking forward to giving birth and making DD1 a proud big sister. And I know she is a very proud big sister to Sterre but just not in the way I had ever imagined her to be a big sister.
Thanks for listening! x

whatever I still think of you tomorrow at 10am! Much strength for you and your family tomorrow! Whatever the outcome, you will be able to deal with it! x

I know, Blue. When I think that I should actually still be pregnant with Sylvie-Rose now and that she came and went before she was even due, it just makes me feel shocked and sad that it has come to this. What upsets me more is that I had a hysterectomy when having her so can't get pregnant at all. Not that I could replace her but it would feel so good to have another baby to hold.

hugs for you too chip I'm so sorry you can't have any of your own anymore :(
when would Sylvie-Rose have been due? x

My due date was November 3rd. It's not that I don't have lots of children, I do have my four boys but I think when you have a baby, you are physically and mentally prepared for a couple of years of babysnuggles and I ache for them now.

Same as mine!
I know what you mean about aching for them! So scared for when 2 of my friends will give birth in the next few months... It's going to be so hard seeing them with their little ones and everyone wanting to give them cuddles...

Moonmin so sorry to hear about the lose of your little Boy Jacob. Sending you lots of hugs.

Shabbs that's amazing what Lew said. Did you find it comforting or spooky?

WTW will be thinking of you tomorrow. We had our results a couple of weeks ago. There was no reason for Joseph's death for us. Are you hoping for answers? We were happy with no answers in the end. Just after Joseph was born I felt that no answers was not good enough but then made a U-turn and decided maybe no answers, so SIDS, was the best answer for us.

I meet up with my extended family this weekend for the first time since Joseph's death. I went without my DH and realised he has been my crutch over the past 6 weeks. When I am with him I feel so much stronger. Anyway lots of tears this weekend. I have always been close to my Nana, talk on the phone for hours a couple of times a week (she lives 3 hours away from me). However since Joseph's death she hasn't called me and when I saw her this weekend she avoided talking to me and even left without giving me a hug. Really not sure what to make of it but it certainly makes me feel lonely and distant. My aunty said she hasn't spoken about it which is not like her as she can talk for england! I am worried about her and think she has find it too devastating to talk about or handle.

Sending love and hugs to everyone else who might need them tonight xx

Blue my friend had her baby in the same hospital the same night Joseph was born. I thought I would never hold another baby in my arms again until it was my own. I couldn't even be in the same building as a baby never mind holding one. But one day I felt the strength to visit my friend. I picked up her baby and felt so much love and comfort from holding her. I surprised myself and others but feel it is almust in honour of Joseph that I have love and cuddles to share. Hope that make some sense .
I was honest about my feelings to all my friends with babies and they were fantastic and completely understood. Because I was honest my friends felt less uncomfortable and could support me better through this really difficult time.
I have also told them all just because I feel strong enough to hold their babies today or this week doesn't mean in the weeks to come I won't find it hard.

Moon - I loved what Lew said. My DS4 Tom used to be even more vocal about stuff like that when he was the same age...it is very comforting.

Has your Nana lost a child herself? I think she is struggling so much that she cant face you. When my boys died my Gran (who was then in her late 70's) and my great aunt (who was 100 she lived till she was 102) both said it should have been them and not the boys. Why dont you write to her. Just tell her how much you love her and how you are feeling.

Shabbs My Nana hasn't lost a child but she does believe in 'one in one out' IYKWIM. So maybe you are right that is maybe how she is feeling. I have mentioned to my aunties that she has not spoken to me so hopefully they will speak to her and get her to open up about what is troubling her. I am going to call her this week and ask her if she will knit some blankets for the Sands memory boxes and try and get her to talk to me about it. She is good at changing the subject when she wants to!!

bubble well done you! that was/is so brave!
I just don't know how I will react until the moment comes...
I'm sure my friends will understand though, whichever way I will react, they have been very supportive the last few months!
So sorry your Nana is having it difficult! I'm sure there will be an explanation why she hasn't talked to you.

Just had a little cry on the sofa in DH's arms, feel better now, but still very emotional.

Blue I still cannot believe I did it. I had visions of me knocking on the front door and doing a runner before the door was even opened. Saying that I haven't meet any babies born the same due date as Joseph. Joseph was due last Sunday and we have 3 friends due this week. I am prepared that I might find this hurdle maybe a little too hard to get over for some yet.

Just sending my love
I don't know any of you, but am in tears reading your words.
X

Chicky there is often drunkeness, cursing and shouting going on here...we are not always very well behaved....apart from myself of course

Just felt the need to pop on before bed to send to everyone. We are all so brave and strong and I so so wish we didn't have a reason to be xxx

bubble maybe your Nana lost a child herself? Back in those days, sometimes babies died and no-one talked about them ever again. When Sylvie-Rose died, one of my friends was telling her ILs about it and it turned out that her PIL had had a baby girl who died as a baby and my friend never knew about her as she just wasn't mentioned. Also, my aunt who lost 2 ds's felt unable to come to Sylvie-Rose's funeral. And in general a lot of people find the loss of a baby too much to cope with.
Well done for holding your friend's baby. That took courage. SIL is due soon and I hope I will be able to hold her baby.

Morning girls xx

Good Morning x

Got our first Sands group meeting tonight. I'm having a few 'good' days so hoping tonight helps us further in our journey not two steps back.

Morning ladies xx

Thanks for all your support yesterday. I can go for weeks and think I am coping so well and then along comes a really bad day. That's the way it goes I suppose.xx