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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

My baby daughter died. I want her back

672 replies

Whatevertheweather · 30/08/2011 11:22

Hello, have been a regular poster since my eldest daughter was born 4 years ago. Never expected to be starting a thread in bereavement.

I was 35 weeks pregnant last week when I stopped feeling regular movements. A frantic dash to the hospital ended with an emergency c section after a scan showed she was showing signs of a viral infection. They thought we gone in time but when they took her out she was much worse than they expected. She died after about 40mins. We spent 2 precious nights with her before having to leave her there and come home for our other daughter.

I am numb. I can't stop shaking. I hate myself everytime I close my eyes I see 4 red words on a white background 'you should have known'

I just want her back - she shouldn't have even been born yet

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aristocat · 30/08/2011 22:22

so sorry

birdofthenorth · 30/08/2011 22:22

Just said a prayer for you, baby Erin and your family. I'm so sorry. One minute at a time, one hour at a time xxx

ExitPursuedByATroll · 30/08/2011 22:23

Jus found this thread and having a weep for you and your family. My friend has a DD called Erin who is tall and beautiful and strong.

Please do not blame yourself, there is no way you could have known anything was wrong.

Life is so fragile isn't it?

Whatevertheweather · 30/08/2011 22:37

We thought really hard about the pm as didn't want to put her through anything more than she already had but the consultant encouraged us to as they were also shocked at what happened given we'd had the scan just 10 days before. The hospital were amazing and could not have done any more.

We bathed her and changed her in to a prem baby outfit and coat my sister bought her. Dp said she looked like a polar explorer going off on a expedition with her little blue teddy snugs who we left with her. She was so beautiful. I slept with her on my chest all through Friday night which I will treasure forever.

Our other dd seems to be really struggling which is a big worry. I thought perhaps given her age (4.5) she might not feel it but she is very very tearful over small things and she is not normally a tearful child. She gets very upset if asked to make a decision like which biscuit would you like or what game shall we play. She has talked about Erin though and seems to understand she is gone. She did come to the hospital and was so wonderful with her baby sister - cuddling her, playing with her toes and singing to her. She said to me just tonight 'I want my baby sister back. Baby Erin was our family' We are trying not to really break down in front of her but she has seen us cry. I am especially trying not to cry if she mentions Erin as I don't want her to not talk about her because it makes mummy cry. I still need to go and buy her school uniform. I was supposed to start maternity leave this week and thought I had lots of time.

Does anyone know of any good organisations to speak to about dealing with child grief? I just want to do the very best for her and I am at a loss on how best to handle it.

Appt with new funeral director booked tomorrow. The one today ought to be closed down - after asking us if we were going to 'bother' with a service before the burial she then offered us a Renault scenic with the middle seats down to take Erin to the church as a traditional hearse would be too big I just had to walk out I felt like screaming at her Erin was here and she deserves to be treated with respect!

Sorry for ultra long post my head is swimming with thoughts.

A million thank you's for all of your kind words, thoughts and prayers.

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CazandBelle · 30/08/2011 22:39

whatever I'm so sorry to hear about Erin.

I want to echo the invite to the bereaved Mummies thread when and if you ever feel ready.

We understand. We never judge and you can say it as it really is. Some of my darkest thoughts have come out there!

The guilt is overwhelming, over a year on for me and I still struggle with it often. My DD Anabelle was born sleeping at 32 weeks - she been quiet and I wish I'd gone in the night before instead of waiting until the morning, I often wonder if they would've been able to save her, she died overnight.

The Sands forum was also a real sanctuary for me in the early months.

I really hope the funeral directors tomorrow are better. Its shocking, but we also found the same as you. The first people my husband spoke to over the phone did not handle us gently at all, but the 2nd company I cannot fault.

Sending love xx

teenyweenytadpole · 30/08/2011 22:51

Whatever - so sorry to hear of your loss, my heart goes out to you. As many others have said you did everything you could for her, and in days to come I am sure you will be glad of all the photos and the time you spent together. No Mummy could have done more. It also sounds like you are doing all the right things for your other little girl. I think you should follow your instincts, however when my Dad died recently my mother in law said not to be afraid to let my daughters see me cry as it would show them how much he meant to me.

I am glad you have found a more supportive funeral director. XXXX

ZhenXiang · 30/08/2011 22:56

So sorry to hear of your loss whatevertheweather and so sorry that you had such an awful experience at the funeral directors.

I know it is hard not to blame yourself, but as I am sure the hospital have told you, you are not to blame. You did the right thing to go in as soon as you stopped feeling regular movements, that is all you could have done.

SANDS is an organisation good for helping with the loss of a child link here.

Have you got any close family that you can call on to help you manage the practical aspects of daily life in these early days, you know to help buy your DD's school stuff, cook, clean, take DD out to the park for a bit so that you can have time to grieve?

Both my cousin's wife and SIL have lost babies, one stillborn and another to cot death, I am sure if they could give you any advice it would be to be really gentle with yourselves and allow yourself to cry when you feel safe to do so. I know they both still miss their children, but they are now doing ok, taking each day as it comes and you will too with time.

My thoughts and prayers are with you x

triskaidekaphile · 30/08/2011 22:56

How terrible. I am so very very sorry for your awful loss of gorgeous Erin :(

shabbapinkfrog · 30/08/2011 22:59

When my twin baby boy died (7 months old) his twin brother would wave at the wall and smile and he was very, very noisy - much more than normal. He (they) are now almost 30 years old and he says if I had never told him about his brother he would have known anyway. Says he always feels a part of him is missing. When my DS3 was knocked down and killed (7 years old) my surviving twin once again became loud and a little manic. He was 10 years old then and has never got 'over' loosing his little brother.

A neighbours little boy called at our house the day after DS3's accident. He was the same age as your little girl. My DS3 used to call him 'snotty Simon' for obvious reasons. He came in the house and said 'What happened to Matt - my Mum wont tell me.' I told him as simply as I could and he was sad.....then within minutes he said 'Can I have his new football boots cause he wont need them now!!' Young children do see things in black and white....they are the lucky ones...they dont wallow in the grey area that we do. Never worry about crying in front of your little girl - it wont harm her in any way. If you think you are going to cry just say something like 'Oh here I go again, I feel sad but I want to keep talking about Erin.' You will be teaching her such a valuable lesson - that it is just fine to show emotion. Tell her the truth according to her age - never fib because children know instantly.

Take care - holding you and your family close tonight. Im not sure what I feel about 'heaven' but I know that my boys will be watching out for Erin and will keep her safe. xx

ledkr · 30/08/2011 23:00

i am also truly sorry,its so awaful and unfair i cannot imagine how you must feel.This happened to my Mum/brother when i was 12,i have never forgotten it.
Winstons Wish is an organisation that helps children with bereavement,give them a ring they are fantastic.

Whatevertheweather · 30/08/2011 23:10

Shabba so sorry to hear about your 2 precious ds'es. Your post just made me smile for the first time today though - snotty Simon wanting your ds' football boots reminded me of the first thing dd said at the hospital just after we explained baby Erin wouldn't be coming home with us - quick as a flash 'well what about all that stuff we bought her, what a waste of money!!' out of the mouths of babes.

Manic is a good word for her behaviour totally hyper or uncontrollably sobbing. Very unusual for her. Luckily she is very articulate for her age so hopefully we will be able to keep on top of how she is feeling.

Thank you for the advice re winstons wish I will look them up x

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youarekidding · 30/08/2011 23:11

whatevertheweather I am so sorry your baby daughter Erin died. I have said a little prayer for her and your family.

You couldn't have done any more than you did please do not blame yourself.

I'm also so sorry the funeral direction treated your family and Erin with such little respect and regard.

jugglingwiththreeshoes · 30/08/2011 23:20

I hope you will let others look after you in the next few days and weeks wtw
Let others help you with practical things, and give yourself some time and space for grieving. Let others help you in caring for DD1 also. Our thoughts and prayers are with you all.

thecaptaincrocfamily · 30/08/2011 23:21

So very sorry you are having to go through this. It is so cruel [ Did your little girl have a name? xxxx My friend in RL is going through this too and I can't imagine the heartache that you are experiencing at this time. I just couldn't say nothing.

Lots of love to you all xxx

thecaptaincrocfamily · 30/08/2011 23:25

So sorry I see you called her Erin, which is a beautiful name xxx Saying a prayer for you all xxxx

jugglingwiththreeshoes · 30/08/2011 23:55

Are there Irish or Welsh influences wtw ? - I've been looking up her name and it's meaning.

Whatevertheweather · 31/08/2011 00:14

Juggling - no links to ireland or wales. we had 2 girls names picked Erin or Imogen (we hadn't found out beforehand that she was a girl). But when we saw her Erin just seemed to be the right name for her. As well as meaning from Ireland it means Peace which just seemed appropriate x

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boobellina · 31/08/2011 00:40

So sorry that you are dealing with this and have lit a wee candle for Erin, a slightly bigger one for your eldest DD and a great big one for you and your DP.

Take care during what must be a truly horrible time and please do what others have said and accept help. Years on my friends claim they ate better following the loss of their own DD than they have before or since with all the food drops people were doing - it was the only way we knew of letting them know we cared and were thinking of them all the time.

Good luck with your appointment I'm sure I'm not alone in having fingers and toes crossed that you get treated with respect and Erin gets promised the dignity and gravitas that she deserves.

Thumbwitch · 31/08/2011 00:58

So sorry that you had such an awful experience with the first funeral director! Am beyond at the treatment you received and perhaps later, you might consider putting in a formal complaint about it. Of all places, they should know to be considerate of the bereaved person's feelings and that woman sounds a callous moo! for you.

I really hope that you have a better experience tomorrow - I'm sure you will.

Whatevertheweather · 31/08/2011 01:24

My mind keeps playing tricks on me - I keep thinking I can feel her kicking and wriggling inside me.

I can't sleep the post mortem is being done tomorrow on her teeny body. I just pray we can find out what happened to her.

I am terrified that they are going to lose her in that huge hospital and we will call to arrange for her to be collected and no-one will know where she is.

A newborn baby shouldn't be alone so far from her mummy

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Thumbwitch · 31/08/2011 01:27

Ah lovely, they won't lose her. Keep her in your thoughts, wrap her in your love and she will know, wherever she is, that her mummy loves her and is thinking of her all the time.
((hugs))

youjusthaventearnedityetbaby · 31/08/2011 01:29

Feeling so sorry for you and your family :( Tears running down my face thinking of you. Erin sees you, I'm sure of that, she is watching you... and I'm sure she is very proud of her mum... Think you are being incredibly brave and strong choosing another funeral director and not going with the first, I really hope you have a better experience tomorrow. Your poor dd1, I think you should cry as much as you want in front of her, I think it is a normal reaction and she needs to know that she can cry too whenever she wants. Thinking of you sleeping with Erin on your chest is so poignant and I think you are amazing. You and your family are in my thoughts... xxx

TanteRose · 31/08/2011 02:10

so so sorry to hear about your beloved daughter Erin, whatever

thinking of you, your DH and your DD1

hugs from the other side of the world

Tante xx

Whatevertheweather · 31/08/2011 06:37

Been awake for hours trying to think of fitting songs for her funeral. It's so hard. Might have 'Baby Mine' by Bette Midler from Dumbo as one of them. I used to sing it to dd1 when she was small x

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Thumbwitch · 31/08/2011 06:38

Is it a church or secular funeral? Do you want hymns as well or not?

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