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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

My baby daughter died. I want her back

672 replies

Whatevertheweather · 30/08/2011 11:22

Hello, have been a regular poster since my eldest daughter was born 4 years ago. Never expected to be starting a thread in bereavement.

I was 35 weeks pregnant last week when I stopped feeling regular movements. A frantic dash to the hospital ended with an emergency c section after a scan showed she was showing signs of a viral infection. They thought we gone in time but when they took her out she was much worse than they expected. She died after about 40mins. We spent 2 precious nights with her before having to leave her there and come home for our other daughter.

I am numb. I can't stop shaking. I hate myself everytime I close my eyes I see 4 red words on a white background 'you should have known'

I just want her back - she shouldn't have even been born yet

OP posts:

Report

Thumbwitch · 31/08/2011 06:39

Would Eric Clapton's Tears in Heaven be too much to bear?

Whatevertheweather · 31/08/2011 07:01

It's a catholic church service but not a full mass. I had thought of tears from heaven too but not sure. Dd1 wants it's a hard knock life from Annie! She used to sing it to my tummy. We would like one hymn bur not all things bright and beautiful.

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 31/08/2011 07:22

Amazing Grace maybe?
Love Divine is a great piece but more often used for weddings.
Abide with me breaks my heart, as does the Lord is My Shepherd (very popular for funerals)

Thumbwitch · 31/08/2011 07:24

I found this website while looking for baby-appropriate hymns - it didn't have much to offer on the hymn side but you might find some of the other information useful.

deemented · 31/08/2011 07:27

G'morning, Whatever. I hope last night passed as well as it could for you.

I think it's absolutely right that you find a funeral directors that will look after Erin as they should - i too am aghast that the first place treated you so appalingly. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that too.

I understand your feelings about wanting a hearse for her - when Ciaran died we were encouraged to have a smaller car with the middle seats down. And in the end thats what we went with as i simply didn't have the energy to fight it anymore. I can say though, that although i remember every inch of his casket, i cannot remember at all the journey to the cemetry, so in the end it didn't matter how he got there. But you absolutely need to do what you feel is right for you, and for Erin.

Can i suggest one thing though, and this piece of advice was given to me by a lovely midwife who had lost her own baby daughter soon after birth. Even if you think you've said your goodbyes to Erin, please make time to go and see her just once more, because after the funeral it will be too late. Even if you think you can't, or don't want to, just make an appointment perhaps for the night before the funeral, and even if you don't keep it, the option will be there for you. We'd had Ciaran with us for two days after he had died and then we said goodbye to him. It was nearly two weeks then before his funeral, but we went to see him the day before, and for us, it was the best thing we could have done. And honestly, he didn't look any different to when we'd last seen him, other than the funeral directors had dressed him as we wanted and he was surrounded by soft toys and photographs of those that loved him.

Again though, it's entirely down to you - i just wanted you to know that it could be an option for you.

Sending much love and strength to you x

Bearcrumble · 31/08/2011 07:37

I am so sorry to read your posts - you are a brave and wonderful mother who loves her daughter so much. You did everything you could for her.

The funeral director sounds awful, I can't believe they would be so insensitive. I'm glad you are going with another one.

It might be an idea to set up a tribute page to Erin. There is some info here - www.tommys.org/Page.aspx?pid=696

Sending lots of love to you and your family.

CheerfulYank · 31/08/2011 07:43

If it means a lot to your daughter you could do "Tomorrow" from Annie, maybe? Sorry if that sounds stupid, just an idea that struck me.

I am so sorry to hear about Erin. You're right, she was here and she matters. Again, I'm so, so sorry.

Bellavita · 31/08/2011 07:45

I am so sorry xx

shabbapinkfrog · 31/08/2011 07:48

Have been thinking about you all night....just lay quietly in bed remembering the 'early days' after loosing my sons and thinking how lucky I am to still have two sons. Must admit to wandering into my 14 year old DS4's bedroom in the early hours. He had fallen asleep with his glasses on and I suspect he had not long since finished on his laptop. I never thought the sun would shine again for us, as a family, DS4 was our 'big suprise!!' He was born just before my 41st birthday.

I like your DD choice of 'hard knock life' I remember one of the ladies on the bereaved Mums thread had the music from 'Night garden' played for her DD at the funeral. I, personally, am going to have 'Dont stop me now' by Queen!

Sending my love to you xx

ballstoit · 31/08/2011 07:50

So sorry to here of your family's loss x

At my friend's son's funeral 'Precious Child' by Karen Taylor-Good was played. It was beautiful.

CheerfulYank · 31/08/2011 08:05

I think whatever would be meaningful to you and your family and your love for Erin would be just fine.

Your sons are gorgeous Shabba ...I like the picture of your twins with their dad. May of '82 is when I was born. :)

Wishing you love and strength from across the pond, OP.

posterofawolef · 31/08/2011 08:06

So sorry

Thumbwitch · 31/08/2011 08:13

I don't know if any of the people on the thread have linked you to this thread yet - you might not be ready for it but they are there when you need them.
They may have some suggestions for funeral songs for little Erin.

Bluetinkerbell · 31/08/2011 08:15

Dear whatevertheweather,

Me too have been thinking of you last night and early this morning.
I know the feeling so well of phantom kicks and your mind playing tricks on your body. It is a way of your mind/body letting you know it's grieving and telling you that you became a mother even though you can't hold Erin in your arms!

We had a lovely song on our little girl's funeral which is called Precious Child by Karen Taylor-Good, you can find it on this website
One of the hymns we had was Father I place into your hands.

We're all here for you if you need us! Just give us a shout!

love, strength and prayers are being send your way!

ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs · 31/08/2011 08:16

I've never posted here but was prompted to by another thread.
You poor poor love, I have been crying reading this. I can't imagine what you are feeling, apart from the tragic death of your DD, you have also had a CS.
Do be kind to yourself and know that there are many people thinking of you and your family.
((((((hugs))))))

StuckUpTheFarawayTree · 31/08/2011 08:18

I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine for a minute how you feel.

You could not have known, and did all you could. Please don't blame yourself.

OverthehillsandfarawayNL · 31/08/2011 08:21

The man who wrote Abide with Me wrote it as he was dying. I think it's a beutiful prayer of a hymn. 'Help of the helpless, O abide with me.' - very applicable to your situation.

youarekidding · 31/08/2011 08:27

Woke up this morning and immediatly thought of you. I'm sorry you struggled to sleep.

How about 'Somwehere over the rainbow' at the funeral? I did have a smile at your DD1 choice of 'It's a hard knock life'. It's a catchy tune!

lia66 · 31/08/2011 08:34

haven't caught up with this since last night and am rushing out now but just wanted to send my heartfelt condolences to you weather. So sad that little Erin died, My baby niece was born sleeping 5 years ago now and it's a dark dark time.

My heart goes out to you, lots of great advice and hopefully some comfort on this thread for you already.

Huge huge hugs to you. xxx

wideawakenurse · 31/08/2011 08:48

I too, was thinking about you last night and this morning. My heart truly goes out to you.

I do hope that the funeral director today treats you and Erin with the respect and sensitivity you all deserve.

You are in my thoughts. xxx

TinyWeeTeethGreatBigBite · 31/08/2011 08:49

I am so, so very sorry for your loss, I wish I had the words to say how sad I am for you and your family. My deepest sympathies to you all.

Erin is a beautiful name. One of my all time favourites.

Please take care of yourself xxxxxxxx

jugglingwiththreeshoes · 31/08/2011 08:55

Dear wtw, as you've been thinking about songs for Erin I thought I'd mention one of my favourites, the Quaker song "How can I keep from singing ?"
It starts "My life flows on in endless song, above Earth's lamentations ..."
And has many other lovely words and a beautiful tune eg. "Since love is Lord of heaven and Earth ..." There are several lovely versions to listen to on Youtube, especially those by Enya.( A Celtic feel too which suits her name ?) I hope perhaps you can have "It's a hard knock life" from Annie too for both your DD's. That seems very appropriate to me especially if someone says that DD1 used to sing it to DD2 when she was a bump. With much love, Juggling x

I'm also fond of "Oh God, our help in ages past, our hope for years to come, our shelter from the stormy blast, and our eternal home."

LottieJenkins · 31/08/2011 09:01

So sorry for your loss. Erin is a lovely name. The poem below is one that i read at a child bereavement service. It seems to coveer how us bereaved parents feel.

Too Soon

This was a life that had hardly begun
No time to find your place in the sun
No time to do all you could have done
But we loved you enough for a lifetime.

No time to enjoy the world and its wealth
No time to take life down from the shelf
No time to sing the song of yourself
Though you had enough love for a lifetime.

Those who live long endure sadness and tears
But you'll never suffer the sorrowing years
No betrayal, no anger, no hatred, no fears
Just love , only love , in your lifetime

Mary Yarnall

shabbapinkfrog · 31/08/2011 09:03

We had 'Lord of the Dance' for Matts service...because he used to sing 'I am the Lord of Gods settee' AND thats what everybody sung!! xxx

bonkers20 · 31/08/2011 09:05

Dear Whatever,
I'm so sorry about your beautiful DD Erin.

Life can be so, so cruel.

Flip

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