My baby daughter died. I want her back

[Whatevertheweather]

Hello, have been a regular poster since my eldest daughter was born 4 years ago. Never expected to be starting a thread in bereavement.

I was 35 weeks pregnant last week when I stopped feeling regular movements. A frantic dash to the hospital ended with an emergency c section after a scan showed she was showing signs of a viral infection. They thought we gone in time but when they took her out she was much worse than they expected. She died after about 40mins. We spent 2 precious nights with her before having to leave her there and come home for our other daughter.

I am numb. I can't stop shaking. I hate myself everytime I close my eyes I see 4 red words on a white background 'you should have known'

I just want her back - she shouldn't have even been born yet

Really need to stop torturing myself looking on facebook at my friends newborn pictures (4 have had babies in the last week) and at the pregnancy/childbirth threads on here

Not posted before but wanted to send a big hug.
Your daughters are beautiful

xx

wishing you strength

xx

Whatever - I don't know if this will help or not but DS learnt very early about death through watching Lion King. I didn't mean for him to, I'd never seen it myself but I knew a friend's little boy loved it so thought it would be ok for DS to watch at 2! oops.
Anyway - the concepts are there, not so much the circle of life thing but Simba's dad does "come back" in the clouds to talk to him, so it might help put it into context?
But of course the charities are far more likely to have more sensible suggestions to offer and I hope you can find a way to explain to K that her sister's spirit is still alive and with you all, even though her little body wasn't able to contain it.

Letting her talk about it when she needs to is probably the best thing you can do for her.

So :( about you having to see all the other babies around you - it's hard. I can't tell you to stop doing it but it would probably be better to give yourself a little rest from it, especially the pg/childbirth threads on here. Hide the topics - you can always unhide them again later.

xxx

Actually Thumbwitch I think Lion King is a good idea. Think it's going to be in the cinemas again in a few weeks - will take her to see it.

What a brilliant idea Thumb......Lion King is a great idea.

I will ask my eldest son what worked for him when he lost his two brothers and what didn't work. He was 10, when his little brother was killed, and we ended up taking him to an amazing child physcologist (sp??) She would talk to him, in private, for a couple of hours a week - then she would allow us in and tell us what she thought we needed to know. I do think she was 100 per cent successful with him. His feelings were locked away and he couldn't express them.

I just wanted to add my condolences - it must be the worst thing to lose a child. I was the same age as your DD1 when my baby brother died stillborn and nameless at 36 weeks. In those days babies didn't get a grave etc and to this day I don't really know what happened to him and my parents don't discuss it.

I think its lovely that Katie has a grave to visit and that you are talking about what happened to her. I am sure its really important. I'm 36 weeks with my own son now and my parents are clearly quite anxious - perhaps because its a boy this time (have a DD already) and they are worried that the same thing might happen to him. They haven't even commented on the fact that he is a boy rather than a girl apart from to offer muted congrats when I told them over the phone, which is totally out of character as they are normally very chatty about everything that is going on and generally are lovely parents! I think the pain is all still locked away inside and it is reminding them of their own son who died.

So I think you're doing just the right thing for all of you by talking to Katie and not making it an unmentionable subject. It'll be lovely if she grows up knowing Erin was a little person and her sister.

Hi whatevertheweather.

My first post! I've been reading your 507 replies! Well not all - but most!
My baby was boy was born at just 24 weeks at the end of August and was doing so well.... but got an infection which just took over his body in a coupleof hours and he did after just 10 days of life. It would appear that you've had the memorial service etc now and your hubby is back at work... you're just trying to continue with life.

we're both back at work (and fortunately although my other half is new in his job too - they seem to have been more helpful (telling the team) and flexible with him. although we dont know what he has been paid yet!) and our memorial service is next week....

I just wanted to tell you what was going on with me just to share so that you know you're not alone. I've found that with everything i have read, people have only posted picture and stories of 'happier' endings. All i wanted to read was about others who have experienced a loss of their baby so early on after birth. Im sad for everyone in this position - but at the same time, it's helpful to know you're not on your own and there are others that as you can see - are writing their feelings exactly the same as how you feel, and that's strangely comforting.

Anyway, if i can help, then let me know! I've felt so supported from family and friends through everything and if i can help anyone else in a similar position that would be great x

oh, one more thing.

I read about the pm you had done. we also authorised one. I didn't see anyone give a response about the time on it.
we were told we would wait 4-6 weeks and then the hospital would contact us with a consultant appointment and they would tell us then about any tests and investigative results...... so hang in there.

Whatever they find out they will share with you - however little or much they know. the hospital staff do their best and they will let us know what they can. :)

Dear sbpf I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your little boy.

shabbapinkfrog has given a link to one of the best threads on MN (IMHO) of support for bereaved mothers from each other.

I don't hang around on there as I feel it's private, but I couldn't help noticing how shabbapinkfrog and others often post a simple hello to others of a morning. I thought you might like to know about it.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/1247195-Love-like-starlight-never-dies-Our-precious-children-sparkling-in-the-sky-xx

Thank you juggling - we all help each other as much as possible....nobody judges anyone, we all prop each other up xx I felt very touched by your post Juggling - thanks again xxx

Sbpf - so so sorry to hear about your ds. What did you name him? it's so very tough isn't it. I've found writing things down on here really helpful - especially reading back through all the posts. I think this time is such a fog and have a crystallised timeline of events and feelings on here will continue to help me in the future to remember. If I can be any help do let me know. You are ever so brave going back to work. I've decided to stay off until after Christmas at least but this was heavily influenced by K starting school. Not sure what I would have done if I didn't have her - I do find it very strange being on maternity leave with no baby. I hope your employer is supportive and understanding and glad your dh's is. Be gentle with yourself x

Got through the wedding yesterday 'okay'. Had a small wobble in the service when the registrar conducting recognised us (it was the same lady that registered Erin's birth and death) and came over to ask how we were. We were very touched she remembered. I then got through the day - even had a dance with K and my nephews. But left earlyish and wept buckets when we got home. It was just the first of many many events where Erin should have been (as a bump or a newborn!) and never will.

Well done lovely - the first is the worst. THere will be others that will be just as poignant for different reasons but good for you managing this one and I hope your MIL left you alone or at least kept her mouth shut.
The registrar sounds lovely, how kind. :)

Well done sweetheart. I like the sound of the registrar - how wonderful that she had the courage to come and ask how you were doing.

Many years ago we went to Teneriffe for christmas. It was the first Christmas without our Matt. We just couldn't face the festive season. I was doing really well (it was just 7 months after his death) UNTIL the hotel 'disco' started (disco sounds so old fashioned). The DJ played 'Cha cha slide' and about 50 young children appeared, as if from nowhere, they started dancing and they were singing. I took one look at them all and fled......I had to go and stand outside the hotel and try to breathe. I just thought about my outgoing, happy, crazy 7 year old and how much he would have loved the holiday.

Its so hard. So very hard. I just want you to know that we are here for you, to help and support you xxx

Whatevertheweather, I am so, so sorry that your time with Erin was cut so short. Over 10 years ago, a couple I know lived through the whole pregnancy knowing that their baby would die. She had a condition incompatible with life, and my friend gave birth after induction post-term. At her funeral, the Mum read this poem. It has always stayed with me, because if it were me, I would want to be brave enough to feel this, too.

"In a baby castle, just beyond my eyes,
my baby plays with angel toys, that money cannot buy.
Who am I to wish her back, into this world of strife,
no, play on my baby, you have eternal life.
At night when all is silent, and sleep forsake my eyes,
I'll hear her tiny footsteps come running by my side,
her little hands caress me,so tenderly and sweet,
I'll breath a prayer and close my eyes,
and embrace her in my sleep.
Now I have a treasure, that I rate above all other,
I have known the glory, I am still her Mother."

i have known the glory, i am still her mother... that is beautiful.

Oh Lougle thank you for sharing that poem it is so beautiful. Aitch is right especially the last line. I must admit I don't feel that brave right now; if I could wish her back I really really would.

Am struggling at the moment, I'm going through the motions but head is so filled with thoughts of Erin and what happened to her I keep getting things wrong - apple juice on cereal, leaving the front door open, washing my hair with shower gel. I'm so absent minded and so so sad inside all the time.

People keep telling me how strong and brave I'm being but they don't know that inside I'm totally broken

You don't have to be brave if you don't want to,Cupof

ooh whatever if only people could see how we feel on the inside! big hugs!

How is your DD? is she getting on ok at school? and your DH?

Dearest whatever
"apple juice on cereal, leaving the front door open, washing my hair with shower gel" that would be all in a days work for me !

Sorry you're finding things so hard though. But how could you not be thinking of Erin ? - be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever you do feel.

Hope K is continuing to enjoy school, and that this weeks sunshine brings some brightness.
Love, juggling x

She is getting on beautifully thank you bluetinkerbell. She's made some lovely little friends and goes in happily each morning. Her teacher even said to me today what a happy and confident child she is and how she's been very kind to another little girl who's quite shy. I was bursting with pride. I'm ever so proud of her . How are you feeling at the moment?

Dp is feeling like he doesn't want to talk about her too much at the moment. I think he's hurting very deeply and it his only way of coping with the normalcy of being at work. We are being very gentle with each other and I am respecting thats how he needs to be at the moment.

To whatevertheweather - sending all my love to you and your family. It is so hard when you lose a much-wanted child. RIP, little Erin x

Thank you Carantala

Just been looking at all the photos of her. I've added some different ones to my profile. Still takes my breath away how she could look so perfect.

Oh whatever....she was a little poppet
Everytime I see that pic of you and Erin,I start to cry. Such a beautiful picture.
My heart breaks for you my lovely

Nobody knows how a bereaved Mum feels inside. I dont think a bereaved Mum knows either. Take care my friend. You are doing well. This is a long and crappy road that you are beginning your journey on. If you want to take hold of my hand I will show you the way - no problem whatsoever. xxxxx

someone's put the lion king up on youtube, whatever, it's all there. my two were watching it just the other day. i love that circle of life thing, it seems to make so much sense to them when they are young. i never know why, when people are grieving, so many folk compliment them on how strong etc they are being. it has always felt like even more pressure to me, iykwim? good to hear that your other daugther is being kind at school, i love hearing that stuff, totally know what you mean about bursting with pride.