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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

My baby daughter died. I want her back

672 replies

Whatevertheweather · 30/08/2011 11:22

Hello, have been a regular poster since my eldest daughter was born 4 years ago. Never expected to be starting a thread in bereavement.

I was 35 weeks pregnant last week when I stopped feeling regular movements. A frantic dash to the hospital ended with an emergency c section after a scan showed she was showing signs of a viral infection. They thought we gone in time but when they took her out she was much worse than they expected. She died after about 40mins. We spent 2 precious nights with her before having to leave her there and come home for our other daughter.

I am numb. I can't stop shaking. I hate myself everytime I close my eyes I see 4 red words on a white background 'you should have known'

I just want her back - she shouldn't have even been born yet

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 21/09/2011 10:00

I am so sorry. There are no words that can ever make this better Sad.

Bluetinkerbell · 21/09/2011 10:15

oooh whatever big hugs! just like you I should have been very pregnant by now! yesterday it was 3 months ago that I gave birth to our little angel! It does get better I promise, but I can also say, you will never forget about her! Wish I could do more for you than just writing these words down on here! x

Thumbwitch · 21/09/2011 10:45

more (((hugs))) here, Whatever and Bluetinkerbell. I know it doesn't in any way alleviate your distress but I hope it is some small comfort that you have people thinking of you around the world xx

TheEarlOfDoncaster1963 · 21/09/2011 23:06

There is a wonderful poem called 'I Am There' which really helped me when I lost my son at six months old. I will try to find it...

here it is:

www.funeralhelper.org/popular-i-am-there-iris-hesselden.html

I particularly like the 'I take your hand' part...

so sorry to read about your heartbreaking loss - it's set me off a bit with tears but I probably needed them... life is so hectic that I barely get time to think about my first DS, which isn't great. It's been 8 yrs now and sometimes it feels like yesterday, but it DOES get easier with time - but you will never forget and you won't want to. Some days I feel like I'm the only one who remembers I ever had another son who would've been 9 this year Sad

I've had those 'can't get out of bed' days, and counselling really helped me - the feeling that everyone else is just carrying on and forgetting while you can't even function is horrible. Having someone to talk to who is detached, who you don't have to worry about upsetting, was a great relief for me.

Thinking of you and your family...

ExitPursuedByaBear · 22/09/2011 10:41

That is truly awful about regarding your husband's employer. Don't they have compassionate leave?

shabbapinkfrog · 23/09/2011 09:25

Just 'checking in' with you and wondering how you are?

Think about you everyday and wonder how you are doing.

Take care xxxxx

Original poster
Whatevertheweather · 23/09/2011 12:36

Ah I am 'okay' thank you. Days seem to be passing by.

Got to go to sil wedding on Saturday - am dreading it as it is in the registry office where we had to register Erin's birth and death Sad. We always said I'd either be hugely pregnant or maybe have a newborn when we went. Never dreamt it would be neither.

OP posts:
Bluetinkerbell · 23/09/2011 12:42

oooh whatever big hugs for you! lots of strength to get through the wedding!
My sister's wedding was 3 weeks after I gave birth to Sterre! So I also felt quite strange to go there thinking I should have still been pregnant and lots of people would have congratulated us on the pregnancy...
Have lots of Wine to get you through! x

Four4me · 23/09/2011 12:49

Thinking of you lots too. Be kind to yourself tomorrow and if it gets to much think of yours and not anyone elses feelings and get the hell outta of there. X

shabbapinkfrog · 23/09/2011 12:51

Oh yes i know what 'okay' feels like Smile

There are times....even all these years on....that I avoid parties, weddings etc. My DS3's classmate got married last week (he was almost 8 years old when he was killed) she invited me and said how lovely it would be to all get together again as she hadn't seen me for many years. I found out that my Matt's best friends would be there - all 27 years old and parents themselves. Somehow I forgot all about it!!! Wink but did email the lovely young lady to explain.

Spamspamspam · 23/09/2011 13:15

Whatever, I am so so sorry to read your thread and just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts regularly. I gave birth to my angel 3.5 years ago and although in time the pain lessens, it will never go away. I spend lots of family time thinking I wonder what William would have thought of this, would he have enjoyed the beach, the new puppy etc etc

So sorry that you have joined the awful club that some of us are members of. Look after yourself and your family XX

jugglingwiththreeshoes · 23/09/2011 14:04

Hi whatever - Just wanted to say, even though you might feel you should or might partly want to, you don't have to go to the wedding on Saturday. It's OK to think about your feelings and what you want to do. What does DH (and K) think about it ? I can imagine K might be looking forward to going, but that still wouldn't necessarily mean that you needed to go if you would rather not. Anyhow, as someone else said, definitely remember that you can leave early !

Thumbwitch · 23/09/2011 14:25

Whatever, wishing you lots of strength for tomorrow. Remember as the others have said that you can leave early - but remember also that you can arrive late. Should you decide that you can't face the registry office, just go to the reception instead - and only stay as long as you can stand it.

Shabba - not surprised you "forgot" about that wedding - that would have been hard to attend, I think. The parents of one of my school friends attended another school friend's wedding - the mother was also our teacher - but our friend had been killed in a car accident aged 19, so it must have been hard for her to come to a wedding knowing that her own DD would never be able to have one. Don't know how she managed it, tbh. :(

Original poster
Whatevertheweather · 23/09/2011 16:58

Thanks all definitely planning on leaving early! No option not to go as dp is giving the bride away. Wouldn't leave him to face it on his own. not so lovely mil did charmingly say 'only happy tears allowed at the wedding!!!' Hmm grrr. Wine may well be required!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatevertheweather · 23/09/2011 17:00

Oh and forgetting that wedding Shabba is most definitely understandable Smile xx

OP posts:
crazynanna · 23/09/2011 17:02

Whatever lots of Wine me thinks Smile
And you can always give your MIL her "tears of happiness" when she gets squiffy and falls over! Wink

Original poster
Whatevertheweather · 23/09/2011 17:14

Spam sorry to hear about your dd too. I guess there is a whole lifetime of events our angels won't be there for but glad to hear things do get a bit easier x

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 23/09/2011 17:41

I think it's not so much a case of "time heals the wound" because it doesn't - you just get used to it and it's easier to live with. Some days it will still give you lots of pain and twinges, other days less so. But the pain days become fewer and the less-so days become more - and you carry on.

Your MIL is a prize. The booby prize. Grin

KnottyLocks · 23/09/2011 17:48

Whatever, your MIL is a spectacularly insensitive and selfish woman.
I am so very sorry that you have that to contend with. She should be making your life easier not even harder than it is.

I'm struggling to comprehend her. Perhaps it's better not to try.

Will continue to think of you and your family. x

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 23/09/2011 20:35

If there was a competition for thoughtless remarks, your MIL would bo a gold medal winner. Honestly, has the woman got no consideration at all?

You must still be pretty exhausted by the myriad of emotions that you're all going through but I hope that you can enjoy tomorrow for the happy event that it is for the couple getting married and leave as soon as you want to (hopefully after a glass or two of Wine ).

Original poster
Whatevertheweather · 23/09/2011 21:00

Ah she really is a peach. Luckily we don't see her too regularly. Dp's adoptive parents are very much his 'real' mum and dad. They have been wonderful. His birth mum is very much in the 'oh well you can have another one camp' AngryAngry I don't think she's malicious just very dim.

Poor K is having trouble getting to sleep at night I think she thinks about Erin more than I realise. She got upset at school today as someone asked her if she had any brothers or sisters and she didn't know what to say. We had a long chat last week as I thought this question may crop up and I told her it was fine to say she had a baby sister who died and is in heaven or just to simply say no if she didn't feel like saying. It's so hard to know what is right for her. I think I will call one of the child bereavement charities next week for advice. She asked tonight how Erin can be in heaven because we buried her in the ground. It must be so confusing for her - how on earth do you go about explaining a 'soul' to a 4 year old?! We went together to the church after school to light a candle for Erin. I'm not a regular church goer but I felt strangely peaceful and close to Erin being in there again.

Some beautiful flowers arrived today from a very old friend who lives in South Africa now - we haven't spoken other than Facebook messages for years and she'd heard what happened. What a lovely and thoughtful thing to do. It gives me an excuse to keep Erins cards up longer too as we'd agreed to take them down when all the flowers were gone and I'd had to take down the last ones yesterday.

Another lady who lost her baby sent me a link to this site namesinthesand.blogspot.com and I've added Erin's name to the Sunset waitlist. Wanted to share in case any of you lovely ladies that have lost a baby or child would like to do one. I think they are really beautiful.

OP posts:
shabbapinkfrog · 23/09/2011 21:19

Hope this is of some help. I used to tell DS1 (now almost 30 years old) that we all have a soul....that means what is inside us...its the way we treat people, the way we care about other people....the way we laugh...the way we cry - the soul is so important. When we die our soul goes to heaven - our body is just our shell that we dont need anymore. xx

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 23/09/2011 21:21

WTW, I'm really pleased to hear that your DH's adoptive parents are being wonderful and that you don't have to see the other MIL too often.

I'm not sure how on earth a 4 year old can understand the awful tragedy that has happened to your family. A charity such as Winstons Wish will probably be able to give you some good advice.

There is a crematorium being built near our town and our ds's (5 and 3) have asked what it is for. I've explained it by saying that when somebody gets very poorly, they die and that the bit of them that makes them "them" goes somewhere else, somewhere nice (I'm not sure about heaven) and so they don't need their body any more and so we either bury their body or it is put in a hot oven and turned to ashes. It's all a bit more candid than I'd ever had imagined saying to them but they do seem to understand. They also seem quite reassured that the bit that makes a person "them" hasn't gone completely, just somewhere else.

Sorry for the waffle, I'm sure that Winstons Wish will be far more helpful.

Original poster
Whatevertheweather · 23/09/2011 21:28

Thank you both. Shabba that's kind of how I tried to explain but she was getting really quite technical about it - but how does the soul get out of the ground now the earth is all on top of her etc I then fucked it up made it worse by saying it's like air all around us and she looked even more confused and went back to her sylvanian's. Think Winstons Wish is the way to go thank you IWish.

Dp's nan was cremated a few months ago and that was much easier as we explained when the body was burnt the smoke went to heaven, bit harder with a burial. I never knew what I thought about heaven before this happened but I really really hope that is where Erin is now.

OP posts:
IwishIwasmoreorganised · 23/09/2011 21:33

I don't really know what I think about heaven, but my Mum died when I was 19 and I'm quite sure that a part of her lives on somewhere. I just don't know where.

Gosh, if we don't know what to think it's mindboggling to try to understand how a 4 year old feels.

I think that as long as K is feeling safe and loved, with you answering her many and varied questions as openly and honestly as you can then you won't be going far wrong.

x