My baby daughter died. I want her back

[Whatevertheweather]

Hello, have been a regular poster since my eldest daughter was born 4 years ago. Never expected to be starting a thread in bereavement.

I was 35 weeks pregnant last week when I stopped feeling regular movements. A frantic dash to the hospital ended with an emergency c section after a scan showed she was showing signs of a viral infection. They thought we gone in time but when they took her out she was much worse than they expected. She died after about 40mins. We spent 2 precious nights with her before having to leave her there and come home for our other daughter.

I am numb. I can't stop shaking. I hate myself everytime I close my eyes I see 4 red words on a white background 'you should have known'

I just want her back - she shouldn't have even been born yet

Having yet another weep for you and baby Erin. So glad K is enjoying school.

What a moving poem Lougle.

Shabba you've started me off again - what a beautiful lovely message thank you xx

Aitch - found it thank you think we will watch that at the weekend. It's out in the cinema in 3d in a few weeks too

Just cannot believe how cruel life can be. My mum's just rang to tell me that my cousins baby has a severe brain abnormality that is not compatible with life. It was picked on their 20 week scan yesterday. He and his wife now have to make the horrendous decision whether or not to carry on with the pregnancy . I have just sent him a link to arc website in the hope they can provide some advice. I just cannot believe it - nothing like this has ever happened in our family and now this so soon after Erin

Oh Whatever, how incredibly sad.

I don't feel I can add much to this thread, but I just wanted to say how beautiful your extra photos of Erin are. You and your family are still very much in my thoughts.

oooh whatever so sorry for your cousin and her family! I was in a way happy the decision was taking out of our hands, when they discovered Sterre had died, as I couldn't have decided that myself. It is horrible to hear that babies have abnormalities that are incompatible with life, as there is nothing that can be done for them. I only knew afterwards that was the case in our situation and I was able to take comfort out of it. But it must be extremely hard to deal with!

So glad K is getting on well at school! Bless her, she's so caring for other children! You have all the right to be proud! You can be proud of both your daughters! Of course Erin looks perfect, that is because she is perfect in everything that she could be!

Sorry your DH is hurting so much! They often get forgotten about, but they lost a baby too!
It is good you understand each other and that you can respect different ways of grieving!

Take it easy! Were you planning on staying home or starting to work again?
Have you got things to keep you busy?

Oh God, whatever, that's so sad for them!
I can't even begin to think how she must be feeling, to have to make that decision as well - poor, poor woman. :(

I have seen you post on another thread, giving someone help and support for their friend - do you feel able to help support your cousin or is it just too close to the bone for you? You have to do what is right for you - make sure you stay safe, my lovely.

Remember that it's ok for you to cry too - you have to let it out, you have to have safe space to just let go and grieve. Your DP too - he may not want to do it with you in case he upsets you and vice versa - but you both need to feel allowed to experience your grief.
Have you had any bereavement counselling yet? (I'm sorry if you've already said and I'm just being a bit dim) If not, you might want to organise some quite soon for both of you.

(((hugs))) for you all x x

Bluetinkerbell I'm planning to stay off work for now and re-assess after Christmas. Erin was planned to come around the time K started school so I could also have at least reception year off so I could do drop off and pick up every day. I want to still be able to do that at least for a few months. I have good maternity cover at work and am on full pay for 3 months plus I have a months worth of accrued annual leave and the savings we'd put away for my mat leave so no financial pressure to go back which is a big relief. So far I've been really busy in the days which is good. What did you do after you lost Sterre?

Thumbwitch I have messaged my cousin letting him know I'm here to talk if he needs. I don't know his wife very well but have said I'll help them in any way I can. I think having to make an actual decision must be so so hard.

We haven't arranged any bereavement counselling as yet but we have arranged to go along to he next local sands meeting.

I find it so helpful to post here and get things out of my head. Thank you all x

I had a month off on sick leave, as I couldn't take maternity leave because she was born before 24 weeks. Kept myself busy on here, watched the tellie lots. Brought DD to childminder and did fun things with her when she was home with me.

I don't even know where my child is buried; was so ill and in another country. My mother took control but I did request that my baby was interred with a mother. Although it was a long time ago, 1973, I now feel that I must find out.

Ooo, I am a bit now that I
a) assumed your cousin was the pregnant one
b) didn't even consider her partner's (your actual cousin) part in the decision - of course it will be hard for him too. :(

I hope that the SANDS meeting helps you both then but do consider the counselling - it will help to get stuff out even more than writing it on here, and allow you to get your thoughts back together a little more.

Carantala - I hope you find your baby. My mum never knew where her 2nd baby was buried - my Nanna didn't want her to know (I don't know why, I think they thought it would be bad for her, thank God so much has changed in the last 40years). I'm sure it would have helped her far more to know where the baby was than never to know. :(

So sorry whatevertheweather - added my post before I read about your cousin. Poor people - dreadful for them! Please forgive me- was thinking of my own lost baby all those years ago

Thumbwitch Thank you for your message - it was all kept quiet years ago if a woman lost a baby! No idea why.

We must all support whatevertheweather in her loss. The grief is dreadful and now she is trying to support her cousin, poor girl.

Thank you for your kindness!

Carantala - I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby. I really hope you can find out where they are buried. Please don't apologise for your head being filled with thoughts of your baby, thank you for taking the time to post I'm sure it bought a lot of feelings up x

I'm so pleased that the way a loss of a child is handled has changed so much over the years. Hearing some people's stories on here and on the sands forum is so sad. Being able to do things for Erin like hold her, change her, bath her and organise her funeral however hard they were it gave us precious precious memories and I am so grateful we were able to do those things for her.

I spoke briefly to my cousin after they met the consultant again yesterday. They have been advised to terminate for medical reasons but his wife is just not sure she can. What an awful decision to either carry on knowing the chances are he won't survive or to terminate now but be left with 'what if's'

whatever tell your cousin and his wife, that it is advice, they do not need to follow it through! I can completely understand why she would feel she couldn't, nor could I. Whichever they decide, there will always be what if's sadly :(

Carantala so sorry you lost your baby. I hope you can find a way to find out and that it will give you some peace.

I am so happy we live in a time where there is internet and so much possibility of finding out things and ways of talking to people which help us in our grieve.

i'm sad for ALL your stories but loving the community we all create through our shared experiences. loved having replies from juggle, watever and shabbapinkfrog - so supportive hearing from others who understand a little more than some :) keep enjoying the sunshine ladies x :)

Hope that I am not too late to share this; my darling sister was seriously ill with thyrotoxicosis (undiagnosed by doctor - he said she had heart problems!). Sis and BIL had 5 children already but, after sis had all the thyroid treatment (another awful story!)she became pregnant again. Was told that she should terminate the pregnancy as child would be born with cretinism because of all the medical treatment. I agreed with this. Sis booked in for the procedure but did not go as BIL said that they could all look after baby at home, however badly handicapped!

There was nothing wrong at all with my beloved niece when she was born!!! She is now 21 years of age, absolutely beautiful and has just finished university!

Doctors and specialists don't know everything - there will be a prog on Monday next on Channel 4 at 8.00 p.m. "Can You Trust Your Doctor?"

Thinking of you and your family whatevertheweather - so sorry that you are all going through such awful suffering. x

Just checking in with you Whatever, as Oct 5th draws nearer - how are you doing? xx

Thanks thumbwitch it was very strange to wake up yesterday and realise it was October. Even more strange that it was 25 degrees by lunchtime! Im allowing myself a day to wallow on Wednesday. Ive been holding everything together on the surface and think I need to give in to it for a day.

My cousin and his wife decided to take the doctors advice and induce labour and baby Luke was born sleeping yesterday. It's just so horribly sad I hate that someone else is starting on this awful journey.

Hope you are all enjoying the sunshine

So sad to hear about baby Luke - so sad. Somehow it seems unbelievable when you realise that you are not alone in such sadness. The world keeps on turning - people go about their business, people dare to laugh and smile.....I used to search for the right word for the loss of a child - the only word I could come up with was 'weird'.

Here in Lancashire we got two sunny, very warm days and now it is almost dark and has rained all day. Kind of matched my mood.

Wanted you to know that Im thinking about you and wondering how life is going - ridiculous question I know....and dont dare reply with 'I'm fine' because that is my line Take care love xxx

whatever congratulations to your cousin and his wife with their beautiful angel baby Luke, and wish them lots of strength at the same time to walk on this path of being angel parents. It is the hardest thing to do ever, giving birth to a sleeping baby! I hope you can help each other through this difficult time!

My due date is looming as well, a month to go! Hopefully I can get some kind of headstone sorted for Sterre's grave by then. The only trouble is we have no cash spare at the moment.
I found this lovely website where I would like to order a large stone with a nice text engraved in, but will have to wait for next pay day :( at the end of the month, so won't have it in time for All Souls day and 3rd of November Sterre's due date.

I know what you mean about the weather Shabba I live in Hampshire right on the beach which I normally love but kinda wish it was raining - no pressure to get out and 'make the most of it' then. Luckily a lovely friend from pre school invited us round to theirs so Katie could spend the afternoon in their pool with her little friends. Should have been lovely but i couldn't help thinking I should have been 2 days from my due date today Had a random stupid thought about having only bought warm wintery type clothes for the new baby.....

Headstone choice is hard isn't it bluetinkerbell. Think we are going to try and order one next week. We were thinking White marble but our funeral co-ordinator advised granite as apparently it won't discolour over the years. Hmm the things you learn. Think we are going with a simple small stone and having butterflies etched on to it. The words are hard though. Definitely want to say something like 'much loved daughter and sister' and maybe 'one precious day 25th August 2011' then 'We will carry you in our hearts forever' which we had on the front of her order of service.

Got my post natal appt tomorrow. Think all has healed fine so not too worried. Will be 5 weeks on Wednesday since the post mortem and they said 4-6 weeks for results so hoping to hear some time soon. People keep asking if we'll try again soon.

Will be thinking of you and of Erin on Wednesday.

Dear whatever
Will be thinking of you this week.
Must be so hard to think of a headstone - your words sound lovely with the butterflys too.
Just wondered if you might have a line especially about Erin being a beloved little sister to K - as thinking K will be just beginning to learn to read over the next few years, and she has been such a proud big sister.
Like others have said, though it's probably too early to say it, I hope she will be again one day.
Love to you all, juggling x

whatever we had our postnatal 5 weeks after giving birth and they had the post mortem results then! I hope they will be able to give you some answers!
It's such a strange thing to ask whether you will try again soon, isn't it? As if having another baby will replace the one that isn't there. Every mother who has lost a baby knows that another baby won't ever replace the one we had to give away too soon. But people don't seem to understand.
I know personally I had to urge to try again very soon, but only you and your DH will be able to decide when the time is right for you!

Oh gosh I hope they don't have pm results as I'm going on my own. Might ring in the morning and double check but I'm only going to gp and I'm sure they said pm results would be at the hospital with the consultant. Will definitely check though thank you for the heads up bluetinkerbell.

I know what you mean about the urge to try again soon. I alternate between thinking yes I want to and no I'm too scared. But it's early days I guess. It's hard as Katie keeps saying please get another baby in your tummy mummy

Juggling - will definitely have sister on the headstone. You are right she is a very proud big sister x

well I never had a proper postnatal appointment... I just had the consultant's appointment to discuss post mortem. Which we had to ring for ourselves as our appointment letter got lost in the system :(
Could be your gp has pm results already, just check with them indeed!

I know the feeling about DD asking for another baby! I think it will be even harder when all the pregnant ladies around me will be giving birth, as then DD will probably make the link that there should be a baby to take home after you've had one in your tummy :(
hopefully very soon... we are trying again!
If and when you feel ready, there is an absolutely wonderful and supportive thread of angel mummies, trying to conceive, being pregnant and giving birth to rainbow babies. very welcome to have a sneak peak if you want to :)