Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

My baby daughter died. I want her back

672 replies

Whatevertheweather · 30/08/2011 11:22

Hello, have been a regular poster since my eldest daughter was born 4 years ago. Never expected to be starting a thread in bereavement.

I was 35 weeks pregnant last week when I stopped feeling regular movements. A frantic dash to the hospital ended with an emergency c section after a scan showed she was showing signs of a viral infection. They thought we gone in time but when they took her out she was much worse than they expected. She died after about 40mins. We spent 2 precious nights with her before having to leave her there and come home for our other daughter.

I am numb. I can't stop shaking. I hate myself everytime I close my eyes I see 4 red words on a white background 'you should have known'

I just want her back - she shouldn't have even been born yet

OP posts:
jugglingwiththreeshoes · 18/09/2011 07:54

I will be going to the shrine at Walsingham today and will light a candle for Erin and you all, and thinking of you during the mass. (I'm a Quaker but we are visiting as an Inter-faith group)

Original poster
Whatevertheweather · 18/09/2011 08:57

Thank you juggling. I am finding things pretty tough. I just want to hold her in my arms again and can't believe I never will Sad

OP posts:
Four4me · 18/09/2011 13:43

Am thinking of you and your family during this tremendously heart breaking time. My birthday is 5th Oct and Erin will be in my thoughts. Big hugs.

Crystalmom · 18/09/2011 13:51

I am so sorry for your loss. Erin is a beautiful name. Thinking of you. I know nothing I say will make it any better....

If you need to talk, I (and I'm sure all the other mumsnetters) am here for you.

jugglingwiththreeshoes · 18/09/2011 22:14

Erin's candle looked beautiful in the chapel at Walsingham today. Was thinking of you all xxx

LizaTarbucksNonSmokingAuntie · 19/09/2011 08:54

I am so sorry....I'll be praying for you all, that somehow your family finds the way through this.
x

Four4me · 20/09/2011 13:43

Hope your dd1 is still enjoying school and that you are ok? Take care. Xx

Life is so cruel one of my rl friends has a friend who delivered a stillborn daughter this weekend. Overwelmingly sad. Sad

Original poster
Whatevertheweather · 20/09/2011 13:53

Rang hospital today to see if we had any idea when pm results might be back and they said 'not all of the results are back yet'. Feeling very strange now knowing that the hospital may hold some answers right now knowing we can't have them yet until they have everything.

Dp went back to work yesterday - his horrible boss hadn't told anyone what had happened so he was greeted with good natured 'skiver' jibes. He then had to explain himself what had happened. His boss didn't even come out and see him, wanker. To top it all off he was told he wouldn't be paid for the 2 weeks he had off (3rd week was pre booked holiday). Poor dp he was so down last night I just want to scoop him up and take all the hurt away.

Thank you for the candle juggling. I bought a stormproof candle for Erin's grave the other day and Katie bought her a little dragonfly ornament.

Made contact with our local sands group and will go along to their next meeting in October. It's just a whole other world Sad

Also can't seem to get myself removed from flipping Mamas and Papas mailing list despite repeated requests - could really do without 'as you prepare for your bundle of joys arrival' emails every day!

OP posts:
Bluetinkerbell · 20/09/2011 14:00

oooh whatever I know it so well, those silly email lists!

When we had our consultant's appointment, they didn't have the complete full post mortem results yet, but they did know what was wrong. We only got the complete notes a few weeks ago, and there wasn't a lot added to that!

what a complete idiot is your DH's boss!

Good that you're going to the sands group, wish I could, it's just a little too far away!
If you want, you can always join our lovely Angel Mummies thread here we're all there to support each other through the road ahead.

How is Katie doing? Does she talk about Erin a lot? Give her a big hug from my DD!

Thumbwitch · 20/09/2011 14:12

Wow, I'm sure it's the last thing on your DP's mind but I hope he reports his arsehole boss to HR or someone! What an utter git. Angry I'm pretty sure he should get 3 days for compassionate leave, I expect a child is a close enough relative to qualify, so that may reduce the amount if his unpaid leave (fuckers!) but he'd need to talk to HR about it.

So sorry you're having to deal with all that on top of your grief :(

This may or may not appeal to you - but I have a small crystal angel for each of my MCs (just in the process of trying to obtain a 3rd one) - they stay on my mantelpiece and it helps me to feel that they're still with me, iykwim. Might not be relevant for you as you have more tangible reminders of Erin but thought I'd pass it on as an idea.

x

Original poster
Whatevertheweather · 20/09/2011 16:59

I just don't think he's got the energy to fight with work at the moment thumbwitch normally he would have been outraged/angry but he was just sad and tired last night Sad. Luckily we had money saved for my mat leave so we can use that to make up for his loss of pay but it just did not occur to us that he wouldn't be paid. 2 weeks off doesn't seem excessive when you've lost your child I don't think.

Four4me - so sorry to hear another family is going through this hell Sad Life is bloody cruel sometimes.

Was just so pleased to see the good news re cupoftea's lovely DD Beatrice

xx

OP posts:
Secondtimelucky · 20/09/2011 17:16

Whatevertheweather - I have been following your thread and thinking of you, but not posted because I just felt I didn't have the words. I am so sorry for the loss of Erin.

I just wanted to say that your DP is entitled to paternity leave in your situation, so should have been paid at least SPP for the two weeks (or full pay if that is what his work gives for paternity leave). I can understand if your DP doesn't feel up to arguing, but this link makes it very clear, if he would feel up to forwarding it to his boss/HR. Erin was your daughter. He is entitled to paternity leave for her, just as he would for any other child. His boss is not only a total twat, he's legally in the wrong.

jugglingwiththreeshoes · 20/09/2011 17:28

Dear whatever. I'm sorry to hear your DP's boss was so useless. Your poor DP Sad

I saw your lovely and generous post on cupoftea's thread. I lit two candles at Walsingham, for Erin and Beatrice. As I said on the other thread they were shining very brightly alongside one another. I wish Erin could still be in your arms too whatever. I tried to imagine her being held in God's arms, and like this verse -
"Underneath are the everlasting arms"
I hope it is some comfort.

Your candle and dragon-fly for Erin sound lovely. Both the dragon-fly poem and the lily poem by Ben Jonson are beautiful I think.

Original poster
Whatevertheweather · 20/09/2011 17:37

Someone sent me this poem which I think is beautiful. I think I'm going to get etched on to a glass block with a copy of her footprints we took at the hospital.

These are my footprints, so perfect and so small. These tiny footprints, never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint, for now I have my wings. These tiny footprints were meant for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints, in the patter of the rain. Gentle drops like angels’ tears, of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints, in each butterflies' lazy dance. I'll let you know I'm with you, if you give me just a chance.
You will see my tiny footprints, in the rustle of the leaves. I will whisper names into the wind, and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints, are found in mummy and daddy's heart, cause even though I'm gone now, we'll never truly part.

secondtimelucky thank you so much for your message. I thought the same re statutory paternity leave but I don't think he qualifies as he hadn't been there for 26 weeks at the qualifying week. He only started there in mid march.

OP posts:
CamperFan · 20/09/2011 18:01

Oh whatever, that poem caused some tears!

I am really Shock at your DP's boss' behaviour. Unbelievable, all of it.

At DS' school they do 2 weeks of 3 days a week, and then full time next week. I am amazed at how resilient your little girl is. She sounds lovely.

I hope you get the results for Erin from the hospital soon so that you won't have that at the back of your mind all the time.

Secondtimelucky · 20/09/2011 18:04

Oh, so sorry he doesn't qualify. The twat bit still stands though!

The poem is beautiful.

jugglingwiththreeshoes · 20/09/2011 18:08

That's lovely whatever
I draw a lot of strength from beautiful words others have written generally in life.

I especially like just the simple first line, and the angels' tears in the rain.

I hope you will hear your little daughter's voice in many places, and see her footprints wherever you go as you journey on together on life's path.

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 20/09/2011 20:26

What a beautiful poem WTW.

I am completely gobsmacked at the insensitivity of your DH's boss. He shouls at least be entitled to compassionate leave which will mean a few less days lost earnings. Do you think you've got then energy to help him draft a letter to his HR dept.

I'm pleased to hear that K is enjoying school - she sounds such a lovely little thing.

As for the PM results, knowing some are available and not being told must be tough. I really hope that you can get some answers soon.

You're all still very much in my thoughts

xx

AitchTwoOh · 20/09/2011 21:41

just to say am still thinking of you and yours, whatever, and your little Erin. Smile

Thumbwitch · 20/09/2011 23:32

That poem is heart-rendingly beautiful, Whatever. MAde me cry again - I can only imagine what it does to you.

I completely understand your DP's lack of energy re the boss situation.
Perhaps just mention it casually, the compassionate leave thing, and when he feels up to it he may be able to do something about it.

Hope they complete the PM soon and let you know the results as soon as possible.

xx

shabbapinkfrog · 20/09/2011 23:45

What a beautiful poem - just beautiful.

Have been thinking about you and your family for some days now - keep wondering how you are all doing.

My DH was also treated badly after our DS3 was killed. At first the company he worked for were sympathetic but within days they moved him off the trade counter he worked on because he couldn't stop crying. They told him to 'get a grip!!!' Delighted to say that, a few years after he had left the job, the company went bankcrupt - I think thats called 'karma.'

xxxxx

Original poster
Whatevertheweather · 21/09/2011 09:50

Feeling very very low today. It just feels so overwhelmingly unbearable. I should have been so heavily pregnant now enjoying my maternity leave, pottering around getting everything ready. Instead of the beginning the end has already happened and all we have is memories of her. I miss her so so so much. I just want to hold her

OP posts:
WhoresHairKnickers · 21/09/2011 09:55

WTW, I am upset thinking about all that you have talked about on here, so Lord knows how you and your family are feeling. Sending love and prayers for the strength you need right now.

Solo.x

shabbapinkfrog · 21/09/2011 09:55

I think I was in terrible shock after my sons died....I used to be amazed that my head or heart hadn't 'blown up.' Amazed that I still woke up every day - and, to the outside world, I carried on functioning. The longing to be with our precious children feels overwhelming. Always, always here for you - if you need to cry, scream, laugh, swear, shout etc etc.

Why dont you have a nosy at our 'MN special thread' a place where we never thought we would be but glad we found it, for the love and support. Would you like me to link it again? xxxx

shabbapinkfrog · 21/09/2011 09:58

Please have a little 'lurk' and see if we can help more