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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

My baby daughter died. I want her back

672 replies

Whatevertheweather · 30/08/2011 11:22

Hello, have been a regular poster since my eldest daughter was born 4 years ago. Never expected to be starting a thread in bereavement.

I was 35 weeks pregnant last week when I stopped feeling regular movements. A frantic dash to the hospital ended with an emergency c section after a scan showed she was showing signs of a viral infection. They thought we gone in time but when they took her out she was much worse than they expected. She died after about 40mins. We spent 2 precious nights with her before having to leave her there and come home for our other daughter.

I am numb. I can't stop shaking. I hate myself everytime I close my eyes I see 4 red words on a white background 'you should have known'

I just want her back - she shouldn't have even been born yet

OP posts:
Fuzzywood · 13/09/2011 00:19

WTW, I've just read your thread tonight and wanted to pass on my heartfelt condolences.
I don't know if it helps but my mum lost a baby a few years before my brother and me came along (full term, died when a day old, my brother Simon). We were talking about it a few weeks ago for the first time in any detail (he died 40 years ago). She told me that like you at first she could hardly get out of bed but time did make it easier to bare. She also said that she thinks it made her all the more determined to make the most of every day with her children (when we arrived). I have to say that she is a wonderful mum as are you. Someone said to her what a few others on the thread have said and it really helped, one foot in front of the other and remember to breathe.
Your girls are beautiful, you and your family are in my thoughts x

HorseHairKnickers · 13/09/2011 00:20

Losing that amount could very well have left your levels low WTW. I was given a choice in how to deal with it. I could go onto a very long drawn out course of iron tablets or have a transfusion. The MW's said that on the tablets, it would take a long time to feel right and normal again, which is why it doesn't surprise me that you are still feeling unwell...it can affect your body for weeks after the bleed that caused it iyswim?
Anyway, do look after yourself and seek advice.

Take care.x

Love to Karen too.x

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 13/09/2011 20:38

How did you get on today WTW?

pamelat · 13/09/2011 20:47

So sorry to hear about Erin. I cant imagine how awful life is right now for you and your family, and how you must miss her.

My friend lost her son at the end of her pregnancy, he lived an hour (5 years ago now). He was Charlie. She went on to have 2 little girls but Charlie has never been forgotten Sad and his sisters know all about him.

I dont speak from personal experience but thinking of you and yours x

Original poster
Whatevertheweather · 13/09/2011 21:41

Spoke to mw who advised taking iron tablets and doing a bit less of the long walks. Bleeding has eased up again today which is good.

Feeling totally lost today. It's just so bloody cruel and unfair. This should have been the most exciting time Sad

OP posts:
IwishIwasmoreorganised · 13/09/2011 21:47

Well done for getting seen - you're right that this should be the most exciting time and that life is just too unfair for words.

Has the mw prescribed iron tablets? Be careful as they can also cause constipation. Another nice way of increasing your iron tablets is drinking Spatone mixed ina glass of orange juice. I'm glad to hear that the bleeding has eased again today - do try to take things slowly, you have had major surgery aswell as everything else to deal with.

I really feel for you but am at a total loss what to say that might be of any help whatsoever.

I hope that K enjoyed school again today

x

Thumbwitch · 13/09/2011 23:23

So sorry, Whatever -I think you're going to find that you feel lost for quite some time, but some days will be better than others. The worst bit is when you have a couple of good days and then a bad one again - knocks you for six the first few times it happens. :( Big (((hugs))) for you.

I agree with Iwish - standard ferrous sulphate tablets that are prescribed aren't the best way to take iron supplements, Spatone is a better option, or ferrous citrate supplements from a health food shop. Much easier to absorb, give you more iron and don't cause such issues with constipation.

Take it a lot easier, be kind to yourself and rest if you need to.
x

Original poster
Whatevertheweather · 15/09/2011 20:28

3 weeks today since we lost our precious Erin. Can't stop the tears over the last few days, think the shock has finally worn off and the reality has really hit home.

I miss her every minute of every day. I love you sleeping beauty xxx

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 15/09/2011 20:32

I can't believe it is 3 weeks alreadd Sad.

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I wish I could say something to help.

TheOriginalFAB · 15/09/2011 20:34

already

jugglingwiththreeshoes · 15/09/2011 22:31

Thinking of you x

shabbapinkfrog · 15/09/2011 22:34

Its so hard....so unbelievable....so shocking.....so sad. I wish I could help you in some way. xxxxx

CamperFan · 16/09/2011 13:22

I can't think of anything helpful to say either. I am so sad for you.

How is K getting on at school? My DS1 has also just started.

Thumbwitch · 16/09/2011 13:44

just (((hugs))) for you, my lovely. It's so hard. :(

I hope K and your DH are doing ok. Excuse me for asking, but what was your due date? I'd like to light another candly for Erin then if that's ok with you.

ExitPursuedByaBear · 16/09/2011 15:16

Hugs from me too. Hope K has enjoyed her week in school. Do you have plans for the weekend?

crazynanna · 16/09/2011 15:22

Sending you love and strength WTW x

Original poster
Whatevertheweather · 16/09/2011 20:23

Thank you for the hugs and thoughts. I really do find this thread a comfort. Especially after a few hours with mil and sil who did not mention Erin even once. Or ask how we were doing. Was super hard too as sil has a very scrummy 6 month old and her house has lots of 'baby' things in. K is so lovely with him and it broke my heart to see her playing with him and 'helping' to change his nappy. I couldn't help but think how much I would have loved to see her do that with her little sister and how fab she would have been.

Mil and I don't particularly get on especially after she told dp i was being 'oversensitive' for asking sil if she minded not breastfeeding dn in front of me at the hospital the day after Erin died Hmm Dp family complicated as he was raised by his foster mum and dad who he views as his real parents and they are so lovely and only got back in touch with this mil (his birth mum) about 2yrs ago but that's a whole other thread!

exitpursuedbyabear we are off to Birdworld tomorrow and taking one of K's little friends which she is super excited about. It'll be good to get out for the day I think.

thumbwitch her due date not until October 5th. Lighting a candle would be lovely. I shall be doing the same and going to visit her of course.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatevertheweather · 16/09/2011 20:28

camperfan she's really enjoyed her first week. No tears or saying she doesn't want to go at all so very relieved about that. The only moans I have is getting her up in the morning. She's really not a morning person (wonder where she gets that from Blush ) She dramatically declared tonight that she was going to have a huuuuge lie in tomorrow! She also told me today that she is 'not making friends with any of the boys as she's not that kind of a girl' Grin

How has your ds found his first week? Has he been on half days to? She stays until after lunch next week (oh god got to make packed lunches that meet the approval of the lunchbox police) then full time the week after.

OP posts:
jugglingwiththreeshoes · 16/09/2011 20:40

Just wondering did you want to go and visit SIL with MIL today ?
You should be doing whatever you want to do ATM, and find most helpful.
Great to hear about K - she's going to be a great support to you in this I'm sure.
Hope you all enjoy your Saturday morning lie-in -
We used to call it a Saturday Lion for some mad reason Smile

Original poster
Whatevertheweather · 16/09/2011 20:45

No I didn't really but we've been fending them off from coming here as at least going there we could leave when we wanted whereas if they came here it could have been hours! I didn't want to make dp go on his own as i knew it'd be hard for him too. He's been so supportive to me and I wanted to do the same iyswim

Grin at Saturday lion

OP posts:
Bluetinkerbell · 16/09/2011 20:50

enjoy your lie in wtw and your day out! glad K enjoyed her first week at school
I know what you mean by seeing her with another baby, you just wish you could give her her baby sister back!

lots of love to your family

Original poster
Whatevertheweather · 16/09/2011 20:56

That's exactly it bluetinkerbell. Also thank you for the book recommendations - I ordered them from amazon today. Hope you are doing okay too xx

OP posts:
Bluetinkerbell · 16/09/2011 23:10

You're very welcome!
We're doing ok! We are trying to conceive again, not as a replacement for Sterre, but because I so very much want to give DD1 a baby sister or brother to actually cuddle with instead of only talking about.
Have you got a date already for your consultant's appointment/ 6 week check up?

Thumbwitch · 16/09/2011 23:35

Whatever, that's so awful re. bloodyminded insensitive ILs. :( Don't go again - you've done a duty visit, kept them away - now leave them to it. They don't deserve that you should go again when they're so rude.

Glad K's doing well at school - I know how she feels re getting up though, DS and I are both owls, not larks, and we're going to have a horrible time of it whenever he starts school in a year and a half as well (although he'll be going to preschool next year in Feb, so we can start getting into the early starts at least one day a week then).
Love Saturday Lion! Grin

madmomma · 17/09/2011 00:08

Erin is absolutely beautiful. A million kisses to her from us. x x x x x