Love, like starlight, never dies... Our precious children sparkling in the sky xx

[CazandBelle]

"Small was feeling grim and dark. He was playing toss and fling and bang and crash. Break and snap and bash and batter. Small said ?I?m a grim and grumpy little small and nobody loves me at all?. ?Oh Small,? said Large. ?Grumpy or not, I?ll always love you no matter what.?

Small said, ?If I was a grizzly bear would you still love me would you still care?? ?Of course,? said Large ?bear or not, I?ll always love you no matter what.?

Small said ?But if I turned into a bug, would you still love me and give me a hug?? ?Of course,? said Large ?bug or not, I?ll always love you no matter what.?

?No matter what?? said Small, and smiled, ?What if I was a crocodile?? Large said ?I?d hug you close and hold you tight and tuck you up in bed at night?.
?Does love wear out? said Small, ?does it break or bend? Can you fix it, stick it, does it mend?? ?Oh help,? said Large ?I?m not that clever I just know I?ll love you forever?.

Small said ?but what about when you?re dead and gone, would you love me then, does love go on?? Large held Small snug as they looked out at the night, at the moon in the dark and the stars shining bright.

?Small look at the stars ? how they shine and glow, but some of those stars died a long time ago. Still they shine in the evening skies. Love, like starlight, never dies?.

NO MATTER WHAT by Debi Gliori

Missing my beautiful Belle, a year to the day we placed her to bed in her garden. Mummy and Daddy love you, always. To the moon and back xxx

Morning girls xx

1 month, a whole month, since I said goodbye to Sterre! It seems like forever and like yesterday at the same time! :(

Blue - tomorrow will be 29 years since my twin baby boy died....it seems like it just happened. 29 wasted bloody years. xx

shabba thinking of you! does the hurt ever go away? I guess not...
Is your phone fixed already?

The hurt changes....it softens around the edges. But, sometimes, it jumps up in your face and then really bites your arse bum hard. The longing to see my boys is, however, overwhelming.

No my landline phone is not fixed - they are coming tomorrow!!!

Oh shabs 29 years! Such a long time! You have been through so much in the past 29 years, more than most people in a life time! You must be such a strong woman! Life is so hard and some people seem to sail through with no cares and others seem to end up with all crap!!! . its been 11 weeks now since Oliver died today. Like blue, feels such a long time but still feels like yesterday! Strange feeling!

I must add that I am totally 'at peace' with Gareths death - whatever the hell 'at peace' means. I know, without doubt, that I did everything humanly possible to keep him happy, healthy and alive. His heart problems were just too much for him to battle any longer. The longing to see him sometimes feels like it is 'burning my heart' if that makes any sense at all. It feels like my head is about to explode. I think its made worse, in some respects, because he was/is a twin. I look at my Danny and just wish the two of them were together, busy planning weddings and having children. It must feel very odd for Danny especially since he became a Daddy himself xx

Morning girls xx

Morning xx

Thinking of you, family and Gareth today Shab xx

Thank you Caz xxxx

Morning ladies xx

Sending lots of love to you and your family today Shabs. Life is so cruel and unfair when we are left with so much pain and longing, I totally understand how your heart is burning, take care. xxx

Morning.

shabs thinking of you and your family today, I'll light a candle for you tonight xxx

Had my scan yesterday. Wasn't great. After realising I was there a week early they managed to fit me in. They dated at 5 weeks rather than 7 but as I ovulate late I was expecting maybe 6 weeks. Saw a gestational sac and yolk sac but nothing else yet. Consultant appointment next week. No more scans booked so I think I'll make my own for next week, I can't cope with waiting and waiting; I need to know one way or the other.

Had my blood test results and they were all fine thankfully so no clotting problems. Very relieved about that and knowing I didn't do anything to cause Scarlett's death, that's how it feels anyway.

thinking of you and your family Shabs

cheese Fx for you! Ring up your consultant and ask if they can book you in for another scan! it's really bad that they haven't offered you another one next week... have you kept your scan appointment that you were supposed to go to or have they cancelled it?

Blue it's a different consultant I'm under this time and my first appointment is next Thursday so I'm not even sure how I'd contact them. I assumed they'd cancelled the scan for next Wednesday but I'm not sure. I do intend to ask at the consultant appointment about another scan though as my private one I've booked is next Friday. I'm worrying about this now too; that they'll just treat this pregnancy like any other. I'll probably end up seeing one of the trainee consultants so I'll have to ask for the actual consultant to see me as well. I'd hoped I wouldn't have to waste all my energy asking and requesting this, that and the other but it seems I will do.

I don't mind doing it and I'm very forceful when I have to be but I really don't want to have to, not after Scarlett, I feel like I don't have the energy to fight.

Shab Thinking of you, Gareth and all your family. YOu're always here for everyone and so amazingly strong, take care and big hugs x

Cheese I hope you get the treatment you deserve and are entitled to. At times I have felt ignored but I have always seen my consultant at scans (who is an absolute sweetheart!). I am seeing a different consultant at my next scan, however at this point I don't mind, but I would have been pissed off if I had been fobbed off earlier in the pregnancy. Take care and much love x

Thinking of you today shabs. Gareth has such a gorgeous cheeky grin, I love your photos of him x

Thinking of you all today Shabs, and especially your darling boy Gareth. A candle will be lit for him in Suffolk tonight xxx

Thank you so much my friends for all your lovely words. Have been a bit of a sulky git pig all day!!! Nearly over now - thank God xxxxxxx

Thinking of you shabs!! Just look at your lovely grandson!! I bet there is so much of your boys in him!! He is a blessing for sure!!
It's my fourth wedding anniversary today. We started trying for a baby on our wedding night, I had one misscarige and it took a whole year to get pregnant with Oliver!! And now he is gone!! We complained to the hospital in Cardiff about his treatment since he was born, we had the investigation results back today, what a waste of time!! They haven't answered anything!! Just going to leave it to the solicitors now!! That one doctor failed Oliver in the worst way possible!! He never took us seriously!! Well he will now!!!!

Have very nearly built up to another complete meltdown today. I'm really not doing very well this week and I don't really know how to pull myself together.

Be thinking of you tomorrow Blue! Be strong!! It's going to be a hard day for you and your hubby, but just take it easy and don't be afraid!! Your beautiful baby will be there with you both!! Xx

Morning girls xx

Caz - meltdowns are normal - to be honest I wouldn't try to stop them....just go with it and accept it for what it is. A friend wrote in a card to me, many years ago, some very true words. The only way she could think of getting 'through' this situation....'ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER AND DONT FORGET TO BREATHE' Thats all we can do Caz. Keep plodding on. xx

Mini I feel like I don't know where I stand at the moment, it's hard enough as it is without having to worry about more. Just hoping my appointment goes well and they're not asking me why I'm there

Caz I felt shit yesterday and have been on edge for days now. Looking through more brochures for headstones and it's really frustrated me how small they have to be as opposed to the adult ones. It feels like yet another slight. Hope today is a better one for you.

Blue hope you're holding up for the funeral tomorrow (hugs)

Morning all. Didn't sleep that great due to worrying, I guess this will become a regular thing as all I seem to do is worry and that's mixed in with thoughts of Scarlett and going over everything in my mind and what if I'd have done this or that. I can't stop thinking about it all lately and reliving every moment. I'm already exhausted today.

cheese does it have to be smaller? I'm not sure what the rules are like elsewhere but we could have any headstone we wanted? We did pick a children's one but it is tiny compared to the adult ones around her, just slightly smaller.

Not feeling much better today. I'm just so scared of 3rd trimester again. I don't think I'll survive if he dies too.

We have a full size headstone on our boys grave. I think my Grandma said something along the lines of 'Get a full size one love, there is still room for two more in that grave and you will need to put their details on it as well!!' My Gran used to say exactly what she thought!!

Caz - I have been trying to remember how I felt when I was having Matt after Gareth died. I really cant remember a lot about that time. I remember thinking that he would die as well and that I couldn't cope with it. I also realise that although we have both 'lost' children we are in different situations. I was very lucky to get to spend time raising my children - even though it was too short a time. I can only imagine your fears. Can I just say something and, believe me, I really dont want to offend or upset you. Could you write down your feelings - I dont mean in a blog or anything - just maybe on a pad of paper? I always find that writing down the pro's and cons of any situation help me. I dont want you to spend your entire pregnancy feeling so anxious and sad. Oh my word I hope this is not sounding patronising.

I used to write down my feelings - just one word at a time.....'helpless' 'angry' 'lost' etc etc. Then after a little while I would go back to each word. Say for 'angry' I would jot down at the side what I could do to sort my anger out.....after doing all that I could see if there was a solution for each word. For whatever reason it worked for me. When I came to 'sad' I would think to myself 'Of course you are sad. What has happened to you is utter crap.'

Its my way of coping. I have lists of stuff that I have to keep referring back to and thinking to myself 'I have really made a lot of progress with that word but none with this one.'

If none of this makes sense just ignore me different strokes for different folks I suppose xxxx