Love, like starlight, never dies... Our precious children sparkling in the sky xx

[CazandBelle]

"Small was feeling grim and dark. He was playing toss and fling and bang and crash. Break and snap and bash and batter. Small said ?I?m a grim and grumpy little small and nobody loves me at all?. ?Oh Small,? said Large. ?Grumpy or not, I?ll always love you no matter what.?

Small said, ?If I was a grizzly bear would you still love me would you still care?? ?Of course,? said Large ?bear or not, I?ll always love you no matter what.?

Small said ?But if I turned into a bug, would you still love me and give me a hug?? ?Of course,? said Large ?bug or not, I?ll always love you no matter what.?

?No matter what?? said Small, and smiled, ?What if I was a crocodile?? Large said ?I?d hug you close and hold you tight and tuck you up in bed at night?.
?Does love wear out? said Small, ?does it break or bend? Can you fix it, stick it, does it mend?? ?Oh help,? said Large ?I?m not that clever I just know I?ll love you forever?.

Small said ?but what about when you?re dead and gone, would you love me then, does love go on?? Large held Small snug as they looked out at the night, at the moon in the dark and the stars shining bright.

?Small look at the stars ? how they shine and glow, but some of those stars died a long time ago. Still they shine in the evening skies. Love, like starlight, never dies?.

NO MATTER WHAT by Debi Gliori

Missing my beautiful Belle, a year to the day we placed her to bed in her garden. Mummy and Daddy love you, always. To the moon and back xxx

Oh Cheese. I wish I could help, but there isn't anything to do except hold your hand. We're here to hold you up! How is your DH getting on? How has the new pregnancy affected him? Big hugs.

Hi everyone else!

Just wanted to share my little girls legacy with you all as we finally start getting off the ground with our business! All inspired by her, I'm so proud of DH.

Our proper website is still being built, but as we're doing our second paid shoot on Sunday I decided we needed something, so we've got a FB page for now. Check it out.

www.facebook.com/pages/BellePixelle/135810306501438

www.facebook.com/pages/BellePixelle/135810306501438

I checked it out Caz! looks very good! Belle will be so proud of you! x

Morning girls. xx

Well done Caz and Mr Caz - the site looks great xx

Hi everyone , not posted for a week been really ill!! Been in hospital got irritable bowel and possibly a stomach ulser due to the stress of loosing Oliver!! I didn't realise how this could all affect the body!! Feeling slightly more human today thankfully!! Drs say try and not get stressed out?????? How the hell can I do that?? My son died!! Some drs just have no idea!! One of the male nurses understood though his son had died of cancer at 8 months! You just don't think of babies getting cancer do you? Poor little thing!!
Oh yeah, my aunty is a spiritualist and in one of meetings this week Oliver came through!! The lady said she could only describe him as a cerub with curly hair!! Which was exactly how he looked!! I dint know if everybody believes in this but I do!! It was a great comfort to know he is out there somewhere!!!! Xx

Morning girls xx

morning all!

ginge how you feel better soon!

this morning DH and I will take some time to decide which hymns/songs we want at Sterre's funeral. We haven't had time last week and over the weekend as he was busy working.
It's so difficult to decide what we want... I just want it all to be perfect as this is the last and only thing we can do for our baby. :(

Blue I know how you feel! choosing those songs is so hard you just have to go with what feels right for you both!! We had one welsh hymn called" Calon Lan" which translates to "pure heart" which just felt so right for Oliver! We also chose" All things bright and beautiful" which was a little more cheerful even though we didn't feel cheerful what so ever!! Is there a little song from your childhood that is close to your heart? That could be a nice idea possibly??

Hi ginge we managed to choose the songs, we also went for the slightly more cheerful ones. It just seems so surreal still. Until our vicar showed me the little plot tonight where Sterre will be buried. My heart feels so heavy... I have to bury my child! It is in the next row to two other angel babies.

In a way blue that may be a comfort knowing that they will be together! But burying your baby will be very difficult!! We had Oliver cremated and then the day after the service we buried the ashes, that was just 10 weeks ago and all still so surreal!! I think up until the funeral I just felt so numb?? Afterwards it was a relief that it was over and I could start the grieving process! No mum should ever have to do this!! My heart is going out to you!

spiltthetea sorry it was the march thread,my dd wasborn 1st april,I was on march thread.Itwascaz who I knew on August

Morning girls xx

Had a terrible day yesterday.

Two panic attacks over the course of the day, and I'm still not feeling quite right today.

DH got into bed at 1.30am Sun/on night and disturbed me enough to start to stir me and I came around from sleep panicking. Don't remember everything just finally coming around properly in a bit of a state and DH holding me tightly telling me I was ok.

I then had another minor panic attack at dinner time, I met DH for lunch and it started as I was dropping him back at work. I wasn't in the same state as the middle of the night but my heart has been beating so hard and I've been feeling out of breath and having to talk myself down. Spent entire afternoon in bed recovering, didn't get back up till 6.

I've no idea what is triggering them, but I don't feel right. I know it is probably fear, I'm definitely getting more anxious by the week with this pregnancy.

Thinking about ringing midwife, but I'm not sure exactly what she'll be able to do?

On a positive note thought, Xander was moving around so much last night that DH could see him as well as feel him. it was a lovely moment.

Oh Caz - panic attacks are the absolute pits.

I had to go and see my GP a few years ago because I truly felt like I could not breathe because of them. He put me on beta blockers and they have, mainly, stopped them. Every now and then one will appear even when I have had my medication. I know how easy it is for me to say this....and how hard it is to do it...but please try and 'breathe' them away. Try to focus on something else if you can. Always keep in your mind that you will be OK once the attack has finished - they are horrible but I think they are totally normal in 'our situation.'

I hope you feel better today xxxxxx

Thanks TooImm feeling ok now, so confusing and very wobbly though. Things just keep hitting me out of nowhere. I'm very emotional right now. Dh is coping, he's still struggling but the tablets are helping. We're both terrified of losing another baby but we have to walk this road. I'm scared of my scan tomorrow morning and there being nothing there.

Caz Was posting from phone before and wanted to reply properly. Panic attacks are horrible, I've had them on and off for years. Ironically the only time I really don't is when I'm pregnant. I get fairly anxious about lots of things such as even travelling etc. I do have ups and downs but when I get panic attacks they tend to last for hours and are incredibly draining. Lying down used to help me and trying to concentrate my mind on something else such as a crossword, games on my phone, anything to take my mind into a state of thinking about more than worry and anxiety. I think that helps as it's a different part of the brain being used and you can't do both at the same time, or something like that!

I would definitely call the midwife for some help though if you need it, they might be able to help with talking or prescribing something or even see the consultant to go through plans with them? Maybe have more monitoring as it is probably the worry and anxiety making you panic and will probably get worse as you get further on I'd imagine.

How are you feeling now?

my chest is still feeling a bit fluttery, not quite right, but much better than I was.

I couldn't get hold of the midwife so decided to ring the ward at the hospital instead. They asked me to go in just to check both our obs. Everything fine Means I got to listen to my little man again! and my Dad took me so he got to hear a baby hb for the first time like that too.

They were really understanding and reassured me a number of times that I'm not to feel silly and that it is perfectly understandable why anxiety might get the better of me from time to time, promised me that a panic attack is horrible for me, but it can't hurt Xander. Told me that I can go up to listen to him whenever I want to.

I feel so lucky that they are being so kind and looking after me well. Will definitely discuss it with my consultant next tuesday too, I need my 3rd tri care plan going over, I know what is supposed to be happening but I want them to confirm and reassure that is exactly what will happen, that might calm me down.

Lots of love for your scan tomorrow cheese it is so scary. It was such a relief for a little while after our first scan.

I'm glad you went in and were reassured. It's good to know that you can go in whenever you need to and that they're being understanding.

I think that will definitely help you, going over your 3rd trimester care. What are your plans for it?

If I get that far I've been wondering if I should ask for a c-section or just be induced, I'm really in two minds. They said they'd induce between 37 and 38 weeks but I'm terrified of 37 weeks as it happened then with Scarlett. I just want a baby safe and delivered, alive. I'm eager to find out exactly what the plans are too.

At least our scan is early, 9.10, so I don't have to wait all all day worrying. I'm very irritable today though, I always get that way when I'm really worried though. Hoping today goes quickly. xx

The hospital sound fantastic Caz xxx

cheese I was told my care would be scans every 4 weeks So far, my planned appointment scans have been every 5/6 so a little further apart than I thought they'd be, but I did have a pile of extra ones because of bleeding in early 2nd tri... its been quiet the last few weeks which is good!!

but going into 3rd tri I think they were especially keen to see me a max of 4 weeks apart (possibly down to every 2 weeks depending on how the consultant feels at my appointments). I have a scan next Tuesday which I assume is the start of that process. I will be seeing a MW every week from now on, or more as and when I feel I need her she's said she'll come to the house.

I was told I would be induced between 37 and 38. Like you I want to discuss C-sec. I think I'd rather be induced but I want to ask what the rate of induction turning into a c sec anyway is because of inductions not progressing, especially as it took me 5 days with Belle. I want to see what their opinion is of it possibly taking a long time for me again, or whether it would be quicker because I'll hopefully be further on.

If its high chance it will take ages, I think I'll push for a c sec because I don't want to be a situation where we are rushing to section because baby is unhappy. We'll see what the Dr says next week. I just want it confirmed and a week to focus my mind on...

Their plan for you sounds good, I'm sure going over it and making sure that it's still the same will help you though. Definitely make use of the midwife appointments imo, don't ever just worry, do call in.

My labours are usually very quick and have got faster with each one. I'm still not sure though because they think it was a cord accident and I'm scared that it may happen again. My ds1 came out with the cord wrapped round him and his heart rate was dipping and I had problems with that with ds2 as well. Both were literally the last contraction before they were going to cut me to get them out so it is quite frightening. Scarlett was breech as well at 37 weeks so it may be that I'd need a c-section anyway as I wouldn't want to attempt a breech live birth.

My consultant did say that they wouldn't want to do a c-section because I'd had vaginal births before but I'm not so sure. I just want to do the best for this baby (assuming I get that far; I can't not say that as it doesn't feel right, like tempting fate somehow).

Caz thinking of you and praying! hang in there!

cheese also thinking of you! hope you have a nice sonographer who makes you feel at ease at your scan!

Hi, had a scan today, all looks well and good! They are going to scan me again in 4 weeks, I'm not sure what happens after that? (I'll be 34 + weeks) It was exactly at this point that we found out we had lost Malachy, I was terrified going in today but so relieved when I saw baby's heart on the screen.

Caz - How are you feeling? I understand that sense of panic. Look after yourself and big hugs x

Cheese - Good luck with your scan. My BF has her first scan tomorrow so fingers and toes crossed for you both! X

Blue - Hope you are ok, when is Sterre's funeral? Thinking of you x

Minione Sterre's funeral is on Saturday at 11am. Our vicar is coming tomorrow to go through the service again and dot the i's.

Glad your little one is ok! Not long now for you!