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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Love, like starlight, never dies... Our precious children sparkling in the sky xx

984 replies

CazandBelle · 28/06/2011 11:13

"Small was feeling grim and dark. He was playing toss and fling and bang and crash. Break and snap and bash and batter. Small said ?I?m a grim and grumpy little small and nobody loves me at all?. ?Oh Small,? said Large. ?Grumpy or not, I?ll always love you no matter what.?

Small said, ?If I was a grizzly bear would you still love me would you still care?? ?Of course,? said Large ?bear or not, I?ll always love you no matter what.?

Small said ?But if I turned into a bug, would you still love me and give me a hug?? ?Of course,? said Large ?bug or not, I?ll always love you no matter what.?

?No matter what?? said Small, and smiled, ?What if I was a crocodile?? Large said ?I?d hug you close and hold you tight and tuck you up in bed at night?.
?Does love wear out? said Small, ?does it break or bend? Can you fix it, stick it, does it mend?? ?Oh help,? said Large ?I?m not that clever I just know I?ll love you forever?.

Small said ?but what about when you?re dead and gone, would you love me then, does love go on?? Large held Small snug as they looked out at the night, at the moon in the dark and the stars shining bright.

?Small look at the stars ? how they shine and glow, but some of those stars died a long time ago. Still they shine in the evening skies. Love, like starlight, never dies?.

NO MATTER WHAT by Debi Gliori

Missing my beautiful Belle, a year to the day we placed her to bed in her garden. Mummy and Daddy love you, always. To the moon and back xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
CazandBelle · 22/07/2011 12:10

my last post was supposed to say isn't tiny compared too...

that makes sense Shab I'm not in a place where I feel I can write down exactly what I'm feeling on my blog at the moment, just a watered down versions, so I think you're idea of just one words, or short sentences is a good one. i might give it ago - writing has helped me thus far after all.

OP posts:
CheeseandGherkins · 22/07/2011 13:29

Caz Yes apparently it can only be 18 inches, it's the baby/children section of the cemetery and those are the regulations. At the time I had no idea as my parents arranged it all and we choose the plot but if I'd known we've only have the option of a smaller headstone (they're a lot smaller than the ones in the other section) then I wouldn't have gone with it. I just feel cheated. It must be so hard for you now, can you go in for monitoring if it would help?

shabs I have lots in mind that I'd like to put on the stone but we're space limited now it seems so I'm quite upset about that.

Writing has helped me quite a lot too, I went through so many feelings on here when we first found out Scarlett had died.

It's been an odd day for me so far, lots of mood swings and feeling quite emotional again. Hoping it's the hormones and that everything is working out with this pregnancy.

Original poster
CazandBelle · 22/07/2011 14:14

Ah I see, I guess the cemetery want it all uniform then. Our cemetery seems really mixed up as regards size wherever you are in it though, I've wandered around it so much now.

Belle is buried in a triple plot in the adult section, waiting for us to join her. Comforting but soul destroying all at the same time. My grave has already been dug. I just hope we don't have to reopen it for the wrong reason or person.

OP posts:
Bluetinkerbell · 22/07/2011 15:52

We're thinking of having something fairly simple to go on Sterre's grave, like this

Funeral tomorrow, still need to photocopy the order of service... wish I could just skip tomorrow. Also found out today that we got an appointment with my consultant next Wednesday... think we got lost in the system as according to his secretary the appointment was booked beginning of the month but we haven't had a letter through. I'm so nervous about it!
Funeral tomorrow, still need to photocopy the order of service... wish I could just skip tomorrow. Also found out today that we got an appointment with my consultant next Wednesday... think we got lost in the system as according to his secretary the appointment was booked beginning of the month but we haven't had a letter through. I'm so nervous about it!

Bluetinkerbell · 22/07/2011 15:53

sorry don't know why it copied that last bit in twice! Blush

CheeseandGherkins · 22/07/2011 16:06

Caz I hadn't even thought about that, nor dh I think. My head was such a mess at the time I didn't even consider what would happen when we died. Now I'm really regretting having her buried there. I wish we could all have a joint one.

Blue they look beautiful. (hugs) for tomorrow, will be thinking of you. It's so awful that you were lost in the system, we were too. I hope you get some answers at your consultant appointment.

Original poster
CazandBelle · 22/07/2011 20:46

cheese you mustn't regret decisions you made. Although I know how hard it is, there is so much I would do differently with Belle now. I wish we'd carried her coffin on our laps in our car instead of following her in the car behind. I wish I'd picked her up one more time out of her coffin, but I thought I wasn't "allowed" because they'd prepared her ready for her funeral. I wish so much. We all did the very best we could do in the most horrific of circumstances.

I'm not sure I'd have thought of a triple plot either, if my auntie had not done that for my cousin (he was born sleeping 13 years ago) when I was a teenager. It isn't something you automatically think of is it, positions and decisions we never thought we'd find ourselves making or facing.

OP posts:
shabbapinkfrog · 22/07/2011 21:31

I agree Caz - I think we all do the best we can do, with what we have got, at the time. xx

shabbapinkfrog · 23/07/2011 07:20

Morning girls xx

spilttheteaagain · 23/07/2011 14:01

Thinking of you today blue x

janedoe25 · 23/07/2011 18:23

Not been here in a while, hope you are all doing well. Just pooped in to say im thinking about you today blue. I hope it went as well as could be, i bet little Sterre is so proud you. big hugs to you and your family.

CheeseandGherkins · 23/07/2011 19:47

Thinking of you Blue, hope today went as well as it could.

Totally upset, we went to see Scarlett and put some new bits there and a lovely sunflower and her things had been burnt. All the flowers, artificial ones too, the candles were all moved and set alight, the windmills torn apart. I feel drained. We tidied it up and are going out tomorrow to replace what we can. Police have been called and are coming out Monday evening to make a report. They said they're taking it very seriously. Off for more tea now. Hope everyone's ok

shabbapinkfrog · 23/07/2011 19:56

Sad so sorry Cheese xxx

janedoe25 · 23/07/2011 19:58

cheese i am outraged for you! As if its nots hard enough losing our babies you get sick individuals out to deliberately hurt you some more. hugs to you, i hope you are ok?

Im not doing so good, I cant seem to tell DF how im feeling, i have no one to talk to, no one listens. I was supposed to be going out tonight for birthday drinks for a friend, however i just didn't feel up to it but my partner has gone out leaving me alone. I have no one, it shouldnt be like this. Im sorry for the selfish post but i really need someone, anyone right now.

spilttheteaagain · 23/07/2011 20:08

cheese that is awful! Sad

jane come here and have a big hug xx I wish I could say something useful. Babyloss is so isolating, so lonely. No one grieves a child like their parent, and when most people haven't met the child the difference is even more stark. You will always been known here as Zoe's mum. Do you want to post a bit about what's going on in your mind? Would it help?

CheeseandGherkins · 23/07/2011 20:09

Thanks shabs and for the advice on fb to call the police, I wouldn't have thought of it at all.

jane I'm ok I guess, just drained and upset. How are you feeling now? Talk if you need to, everyone here has been so lovely and supportive and I try my best to be for others too. I'm sorry you feel you have no one to talk to :(

CheeseandGherkins · 23/07/2011 20:10

Crossed posts spilt I couldn't believe it, dh got to her grave first and said not to go over as I wouldn't want to see it but of course I had to. My eldest and youngest dcs were with us too, was ds2's first time there and he saw that, he's only 4 :(

janedoe25 · 23/07/2011 20:17

Thats the thing, i don't know whats going on in my mind. Df knows im not feeling great but went out regardless. I don't normally mind him going out but i could do with a bit of support, then i feel so selfish for wanting him to stay with with me. If i thought for a minute he was feeling down i would not even consider going out with friends.

I feel so alone, all i want is someone to listen and to give me hug, i don't ask for anything normally. I

spilttheteaagain · 23/07/2011 20:24

Sometimes you just need to be held. I know there are times when I grieve cerebally if that makes sense, and my thoughts are in words and ideas. Othertimes it's almost very primitive. Just a massive sense of weight, or blackness, and overwhelming sadness but I can't seem to articulate anything at all or work out what's triggered it. It's like my brain gets totally bypassed.

When will he be back?

janedoe25 · 23/07/2011 20:27

spilt that makes perfect sense, im in the primitive mode today. He won't be back until after midnight. I think im just going to bed, thank you all for listening and being there. It means alot xx

CheeseandGherkins · 23/07/2011 20:31

Hope you manage to sleep jane, I know sleep can be hard at times. (hugs) just wish I could in person. xx

spilttheteaagain · 23/07/2011 20:34

night x Hope you manage to shut down and sleep for a bit x

shabbapinkfrog · 24/07/2011 07:40

Morning girls xx

My 'baby' is 14 today - Happy Birthday Tom xx

Bluetinkerbell · 24/07/2011 16:59

thanks all for thinking of me and my family yesterday!

It was a beautiful day yesterday to put our Sterre to rest! I couldn't eat in the morning, I felt too nervous. But I managed through the day. All the people that cared about us where at the service, which went exactly as we wanted it to go. It was a truly beautiful goodbye to our precious baby. It was bittersweet at moments, seeing my 2 children together in one place, my DD making drawings on the floor, my sweetest baby in the casket next to her. DD was very proud and telling everyone it was her baby in there and giving the casket kisses. We had some lovely prayers written by everyone present on stars, which we will keep in Sterre's memory box.
My brother read No Matter What by Debi Gliori through his tears, he was meant to be godfather of Sterre. My DH was also very brave and carried Sterre to the churchyard and put the casket in the ground. After the service we had coffee/tea and cake back in the church and the men of the family went back to fill the grave up. After that we went with my family and DH's parents and sister to a nice country pub and had a nice meal together.
I feel at peace now, as I know Sterre's is safely kept in Jesus' arms.
I am a little bit nervous though as we have my consultant's appointment on Wednesday and we will hopefully find out what went wrong.

Minione · 24/07/2011 18:56

Oh, Blue, your post brings back may memories. I'm glad the day went as well as it could, its never going to be a good day but I'm glad that you have some special memories. Good luck for Wednesday, I hope you get some answers xx