Love, like starlight, never dies... Our precious children sparkling in the sky xx

[CazandBelle]

"Small was feeling grim and dark. He was playing toss and fling and bang and crash. Break and snap and bash and batter. Small said ?I?m a grim and grumpy little small and nobody loves me at all?. ?Oh Small,? said Large. ?Grumpy or not, I?ll always love you no matter what.?

Small said, ?If I was a grizzly bear would you still love me would you still care?? ?Of course,? said Large ?bear or not, I?ll always love you no matter what.?

Small said ?But if I turned into a bug, would you still love me and give me a hug?? ?Of course,? said Large ?bug or not, I?ll always love you no matter what.?

?No matter what?? said Small, and smiled, ?What if I was a crocodile?? Large said ?I?d hug you close and hold you tight and tuck you up in bed at night?.
?Does love wear out? said Small, ?does it break or bend? Can you fix it, stick it, does it mend?? ?Oh help,? said Large ?I?m not that clever I just know I?ll love you forever?.

Small said ?but what about when you?re dead and gone, would you love me then, does love go on?? Large held Small snug as they looked out at the night, at the moon in the dark and the stars shining bright.

?Small look at the stars ? how they shine and glow, but some of those stars died a long time ago. Still they shine in the evening skies. Love, like starlight, never dies?.

NO MATTER WHAT by Debi Gliori

Missing my beautiful Belle, a year to the day we placed her to bed in her garden. Mummy and Daddy love you, always. To the moon and back xxx

Morning girls xx

Caz I hadn't even thought of that but it's true for us too. I planned to breastfeed and not get pregnant again for at least a year or two. It must be so difficult for you. How many weeks are you now?

Buying the Moses basket was a big step for you, how did that make you feel? Mil bought us one for Scarlett, in fact we have everything still including a new pram at my mum and dad's which they bought for her. I was going to throw everything away but after a few months decided I wanted to keep it and use it for any baby we had. I'm hoping we can for this one.

I'm a lot earlier on than you but every sentance is prefaced with, "If". I don't want to be that way all the time but I can't see how not to be.

MrsD hope you're birthday was a good one yesterday

How is everyone today?

I'm 23 weeks today. Buying the basket was odd, I felt I was being rushed into it and faffed about whether we were making the right decision and nearly didn't buy it. DH sorta just took over and was like, well I like it, you say you like it, our son will need it, it is a good deal and in the sale, I'm going to pay... and off he went.... but now its at home I'm more relaxed; it really does look pretty. I think I had a moment of wobble because we went out to look and not buy, but ended up buying. Next time we have a shopping day I'll make sure my head is prepared for buying.

Every big thing we bought for Belle was always planned for all our children, so there was never any question about getting rid of any of it for me, but I'm absolutely dreading having to sit in the room with the smaller stuff deciding what is suitable for her brother and not just for a girl. I'm absolutely dreading putting stuff away in the attic because its going to feel like I'm packing her away.

My last blog post was on the "ifs" - really trying to make myself say "when" even if I don't actually believe it in my heart of hearts at the moment.

I can relate to that Caz, not believing it fully yet. I think that when I wanted to throw things away I wasn't in the right state of mind to think properly. I was angry and blaming anything and in some way I felt (at the time) that I must have tempted fate and those "things" were at fault and I just wanted rid of them. Luckily dh and my parents kept them and now I'm glad. I want more children too and I was irrational at the time I guess.

I went through some things this weekend. Not sorted through bags as I'd done that whilst pregnant with Scarlett in preparation so I just had to move them out of my wardrobe and dh put them in the loft. We have her hand and footprint cast on the wall in the dining room along with the other dcs so I didn't feel like it was her we were packing away as such. Her memory box is kept out too and I look in it often.

Do you think you'll feel better/easier about buying things next time? Are you glad you bought the moses basket now?

I'll take a look at your blog, need to update mine soon too. Have you planned when you're going through Belle's smaller things? (hugs) Sounds tough for you right now. xx

Hi Everyone

Had a complete meltdown at work today. I hadn't felt much movement and I got myself in a complete state. I was crying and convinced something was wrong. After about an hour (it probably wasn't that long) I felt some definite kicks. I was in such a stare, colleagues were offering to take me to hospital but I didn't want to go with Dh and he works 40 miles from the hospital.

I'm 29 weeks and I lost Malachy at 30. I am a nervous wreck and want the next 11 weeks to fly by.

Yeh glad we bought the basket now. Haven't really thought about our next purchase but I assume it'll be 'easier' because we've done one big thing already now. Looking at slings/wraps tonight online.

I think I'll go through Belle's things at the end of July/start of August when I've finished work for summer.

Mini it is perfectly understandable about today xxx. I'm already getting myself in a state after a while and I know it is still 'early' yet for regular kicks. Lots of love to you, I bet the next few weeks are going to be especially tough as you go through the same point. I'm definitely getting worse by the week.

Thanks Caz. That should have said I didn't want to go to hospital without DH. I'm so anxious and today it just got too much. It was my last lesson with my gorgeous year ten class and I only went in for the last 20 minutes as I was in too much of a state, wailing in the office with an NQT comforting me. Its awful, pregnancy has been ruined for me as I am constantly on edge and negative thoughts are never far from my mind.

Morning girls xx

I have been trying to remember what I was like when I was pregnant with Matt. I honestly cant remember.....or maybe I dont want to?

When I was pregnant with Tom I can remember being very, very nervous. I had found out that I had stage 3 cervical cancer. I had to have a cone biopsy operation. When I went into hospital the Doctor said 'Is there any chance you could be pregnant.' I remember saying 'I better bloody not be Im 40 in a few days!!' They didn't do a pregnancy test just went ahead with the operation. When I work the dates out I must have already been about 10 days pregnant with Tom. I now realise just how lucky I am to have had him.....even though they let me go 20 DAYS overdue. I also remember making arrangements for him to go for heart scans when he was a tiny baby! I will try and remember more - all I can say is that the feelings and emotions you ladies have about being pregnant are so very, very normal.

Morning ladies xx

Last night I jumped a very big hurdle. I went to a concert where Richard and I used to go and I haven't been since, I didn't think I could ever face it. My neice came with me to see Brandon Flowers (Killers singer). We talked about Richard and what good times we had there. The weather forecast was for heavy rain, it rained the last time Richard and I went and we were soaked to the skin. But there was no rain, we sat on a blanket and we really enjoyed it. My niece said that we had our angel sorting it out for us. It may seem a small thing for me to do when really it would not have mattered if I never went again, but I am proud of myself for facing it.

I think you had your angels looking after you Shabs.

I hope all the new babies arrive safely and live long healthy lives, you all deserve it. It must be so scarey for you all and all your feelings are completely normal after what you have been through. You are all so brave. xx

morning all!

Had a tough day yesterday and I just broke down when going to bed last night. My DH said I seemed to be in another world. Think the reality of what happened has hit me even harder than before. Maybe I felt guilty about having so much fun over the weekend and forgetting all about it. DH is starting a new career and is getting on with things and I just feel so alone and heartbroken. Last night I really felt my heart break.
I had a good meeting with our vicar this morning. He came by to arrange for the funeral, but we mostly talked about how I felt. He took away the things I had prepared and will have a look at them and get back to me about it.
I just phoned the funeral directors to ask about the name they will put on the casket and to ask about Sterre as we haven't heard from the hospital yet.
Apparently the hospital has released Sterre to the funeral directors already, but failed to let us know! How can they? I was so worried about it! Not knowing where my baby was.
I just realised as well that they might know whether Sterre is a boy or a girl now, so the lady at the funeral directors is going to find out for me. It is making me very anxious though... is it going to make it even worse knowing?

lia congratulations on your new baby. Worried you may be confusing me with someone else because I was on the March 2011 thread? But lovely to say hello nonetheless

mini big big hugs. It is so hard and the way you are feeling is totally normal. I can completely relate to being too scared to go to hospital without DH, I am just the same. I'm so afraid of getting bad news on my own and having to phone him and tell him

I had a frightening check up today - routine 34 week MW appointment, but I am measuring the same size as I was 3 weeks ago (although baby has started to engage, so dropped a bit). MW referred me for a growth scan, but said it could take 2 WEEKS to come through, and to keep an eye on movements in the meantime!! Of course I am really frightened and worried, lots of tears. Me and DH have been phoning ultrasound/consultants etc to try and get seen asap. Thank god I have just had a call to say they will scan me tomorrow morning so everything crossed that she's ok, and it's just the crappiness of the fundal height check. I have my arm/hand pressed against her feet the whole time to make sure I know she's moving.

Well done on buying the moses caz. Your latest bump pics are lovely.

blue I'm sorry the hospital/funeral directors all failed to tell you that Sterre was being released, that's really bad. For me, it was just different when we finally found out Bobbie's sex. It was good though to be able to say "she". It didn't change that she was gone, but it was better to know. I'd had a slight "girl" feeling about her pregnancy all along so it felt a bit more like a confirmation rather than news if that makes sense? Thinking of you, it does keep hitting you in waves. The shock cushions you for a while but slowly and bit by bit your brain starts to process what's happened and each time it seems to become more real x

lavandes well done, it was brave of you to go x

Mini (hugs) I also think it's understandable that you were so upset. Are you having any extra monitoring done?

Caz I can really recommend the ergo slings, they're comfy and you can get a newbon insert to use from birth. That was my plan with Scarlett but didn't get around to buying the insert, hoping I can this time.

shabba Wow, that was very lucky! Must have been difficult, to say the least, going through cancer as well! Very brave lady xx

lavandes I think that was really brave of you to go to the concert. How did you feel afterwards?

Blue (hugs) Have you had anymore news yet about Sterre? You must be all over the place right now, I'm not surprised you're feeling it. I agree with spilt about the shock, I was numb for weeks. It really felt like a nightmare and I kept thinking I'd wake up any minute. Thinking of you a lot xxx

Had bloods done this afternoon, had a little wobble before them but got there and had them done. Hate blood tests as well and it's the first thing medical I've really had done since Scarlett was born. Hopefully get the results when I see the consultant, that appointment should come through soon too and for an early scan.

Thanks everyone

SPilt - YOu must be feeling anxious, I don't know how accurate the fundal height measurement is, hopefully you'll get a scan soon and be reassured.
Cheese - Yes, I've had some extra scans and midwife appointments. I have a scan next Tuesday, still unsure about finding out gender.
Lavandes Well done, I'm sure Richard was with you in some waqy or another x

Hope everyone is ok, more movement today so no meltdowns at work x

I felt OK after and still do. I think he was with us. It was something I needed to do.

I had a huge meltdown a couple of weeks ago. I screamed and cried so much I was nearly hysterical. I haven't done that to that extent at all. I didn't feel calm for two days. I looked a complete mess. But I think it did me good. It got a lot of anger out of me. I took nearly 15 months to completely let go. Of course I am still very sad but at the moment I am not consumed with anger. Let's hope it lasts. What a horrible path this is. xx

Hi, hope you don't mind me posting here (I'm a long time lurker). Just really feeling awful today. My son Callum was stillborn 11 years ago today. I miss him and all that he should have been so much, and there are so few people now who even remember that he even existed. I feel so sad and exhausted with pretending to be "happy me" all the time.

Just to say we are back from the hospital, I've been scanned and everything is fine
She's measuring about 35 weeks and I'm 34+5 now so perfect really. Plenty of fluid and definitely head down.
Sooo happy and knackered now!
Panic over for today at least.

edna I don't think we've met. I'm so sorry to hear about Callum. Time isn't the healer people say it is, you just get used to living with the grief. Please do tell us about Callum, his birth, what he looked like, anything you like really if it helps, we'd be honoured to hear.

yay spilt so happy for you! have you started counting down already?

Good afternoon ladies xx

Great news spilt not long now, take it easy xx

Hi ednassister I am so sorry you lost your baby. i can imagine that time is not the healer. You will find support here and no-one will judge you there is always someone to listen. Keep posting and the mums in the same position as you will respond xx

Are you ok shabs? xx

Hiya girls!!!

Not been able to get onto here for about 24 hours....something went haywire on the site...just read through a thread that said I was the original poster....something about her DH prioritising everything over her LMFWAO....just off to sort it out with MNHQ will be back soon.

the what shab - what is lmfwao?

'laugh my fat wobbly arse off' LOL That has to be my favourite saying - Im one classy bird!!! xxx

Not put this on for quite a while......

My Mum is a survivor

My Mum is a survivor, or so I've heard it said
But I hear her crying at night when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach that never wash away
I watch over my surviving Mum, who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others....a smile of disguise.
But through heavens door I see tears flowing from her eyes.

My surviving Mum tries to cope with death to keep my memory alive
As I watch over my surviving Mum...through heavens open door
I try to tell her that angels protect me forever more.
But I know that doesn't help her or ease the burden that she bears
So if you get the chance, go visit her...and show her that you care.
For no matter what she says...no matter what she feels
My surviving Mum has a broken heart that time wont ever heal.

xxxxx

Morning girls xx

Morning all. Not great this morning but it's sunny out so that's really helpful. Taking the dcs to the local fair today after school, hoping the rain stays away! Busy weekend ahead so hopefully no time to worry. Hoping to go and visit dh's family in Devon tomorrow and stay the night as it's his sister's 16th on Sunday. If we can't stay then we'll drive up on Sunday morning and stay the day. Long drive though, about 4 hours!

After calling my gp again I've spoken to the early pregnancy unit and got a scan for Wednesday morning, I'd received a letter in the post for a scan at the end of Aug! Was clearly a dating/nuchal scan. Maybe the consultant letter is on it's way, if I've not heard by Monday then I'll be calling again. I even cried on the phone to the EPU, not like me but I just couldn't help it. The midwife on the phone was lovely though.

Mini That must help a little, the extra scans and appointments. I think I'll find out the sex again, we did last time. I'd quite like to give our baby a name when we can plus I don't want to call he/she "it". Everyone is different though and there are a lot of emotion surrounding this now especially.

lavandes glad you feel OK. I do think that getting your feelings out really helps and you must have needed that meltdown. (hugs)

Ednas I'm so sorry to hear about Callum. I agree with spilt do talk about anything you feel you want to :)

spilt :o nearly there now

shabs that's a lovely poem (hugs)

All of a sudden I feel so awful. I miss her so much and I feel so guilty for not holding her or touching her. I'd give anything to be able to do that right now. I can't stop crying and thinking how unfair this all is, I thought I'd got past feeling that. I just want Scarlett back