Love, like starlight, never dies... Our precious children sparkling in the sky xx

[CazandBelle]

"Small was feeling grim and dark. He was playing toss and fling and bang and crash. Break and snap and bash and batter. Small said ?I?m a grim and grumpy little small and nobody loves me at all?. ?Oh Small,? said Large. ?Grumpy or not, I?ll always love you no matter what.?

Small said, ?If I was a grizzly bear would you still love me would you still care?? ?Of course,? said Large ?bear or not, I?ll always love you no matter what.?

Small said ?But if I turned into a bug, would you still love me and give me a hug?? ?Of course,? said Large ?bug or not, I?ll always love you no matter what.?

?No matter what?? said Small, and smiled, ?What if I was a crocodile?? Large said ?I?d hug you close and hold you tight and tuck you up in bed at night?.
?Does love wear out? said Small, ?does it break or bend? Can you fix it, stick it, does it mend?? ?Oh help,? said Large ?I?m not that clever I just know I?ll love you forever?.

Small said ?but what about when you?re dead and gone, would you love me then, does love go on?? Large held Small snug as they looked out at the night, at the moon in the dark and the stars shining bright.

?Small look at the stars ? how they shine and glow, but some of those stars died a long time ago. Still they shine in the evening skies. Love, like starlight, never dies?.

NO MATTER WHAT by Debi Gliori

Missing my beautiful Belle, a year to the day we placed her to bed in her garden. Mummy and Daddy love you, always. To the moon and back xxx

Thinking of you Dee and happy birthday to your precious boys xxx

Love to you dee xx

I'm 'ok' I suppose. 31+3 today. I don't really know what else to say, teetering on the edge maybe. Have passed the point of prem-labour with Belle by a few days, which is weirdly relieving but I'm still obsessed with every twinge or mild achy pain. Matching point of pregnancy that she died is next Thursday. Just want to skip 32 weeks altogether to be honest. We've booked ourselves a 4D scan for tomorrow after a meltdown from me Sunday. Decided regardless of cost I had to see our boy now, alive, have pictures of him alive, a DVD of him moving and alive incase all our dreams comes crashing down again.

DH seems to be having a much easier time than me believing X is coming home. I don't know where he seems to have got this confidence and peace from but I'm not catching it...

How's it going Dee {{}}

Blimey cheese, you've been through it. I hope calm times are ahead.

Lavandes - many congratulations on becoming a granny again. How lovely, I bet you can't wait to see them.

So sorry to hear about your mum Shabs. Dementia is a bloody cruel condition.

Glad to hear your mum is rallying FM. Am I right in thinking she has had respiratory issues before?

Not long now Mini

{{caz}} - have hope. It was the only way I got through the months of being in hospital with C. Take every day as it comes, and have hope.

It was M's 3rd birthday yesterday. Three years since we welcomed him with pure joy into our family, and three years since his arrival helped dh and I heal.

M's birthday always makes me mull over the past and what happened to C. Maybe because it's will only be a few short months until it is C's remember day, or because seeing M makes me realise what C could have/should have been?

I wanted to say/ramble so much more but my mind has drawn a blank. I may be back ......

I hope you don't mind me ranting here, but it's either thast or AIBU, and in the mood i'm in now, i may just tell someone to fuck off if they tell me IABU.

It's happened again. Not one person in real life has mentioned Ciarans name out loud today. None of the people who i love and who say they love me have remembered him to me. Manshape, who has just bore the brunt of it, has just said 'Er, i don't know what to say. What do you want me to say???' GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Why the fuck should i have to tell him what to say? Why should i pander to him so he doesn't feel bad about not mentioning my firstborn son on his birthday??? So now we are sat in awkward silence.

It's almost as if Ciaran never existed.

Rant away Dee.

My MIL used to tell my DH that she thought I should be sectioned because I put Christmas stockings out with Gareth and Matts names on them. Hope she is thinking about her words to me now she is no longer here!! My DH (of almost 34 years) never, ever mentions either boy and if I talk about them he sits and cries like a baby. When he does that I want to scream at him 'How the fookin' hell do you think I feel?'

I know that family are worried about making you sad but, in my opinion, you couldn't be any more sad. Keep screaming my love......if you cant do it here you cant do it anywhere xxxxx

I know how you feel Dee. No, actually scrap that, I don't. At least I have dh to talk to about C on his birthday.

I think some people forget (the bastards) and the others don't want to mention it incase they upset you or put a downer on the day (misguided bastards). If only the people who do remember would say something. The optimum would be that our children are still here, but failing that the next best thing would be other people talking about them and a remembering them to us.

Sigh.......

Tell me about Ciaran Dee, what did he look like? Like his brother?

Been thinking about you dee, can't imagine what you must be feeling :( I dread this with Scarlett, that people will forget and not even mention her. Rant as much as you like. The least people could do is remember Ciaran to you:( xx

ILikeToMoveIt hugs, it must be difficult :(

shabs I totally agree with that. If you're sad anyway (which of course is the case) then it won't make it worse, not saying anything makes it worse in my opinion. I'm far rather someone said something about Scarlett and it maybe upset me at that point than noone say anything and it hurting for that. While it's sad and upsetting, talking about her makes it easier and gives me comfort; especially to know that she's remembered to others as well.

caz hugs, I hope you get through next week as easy as you can, it won't be easy I'm sure. I'm worried as I get further on, I'm terrified of getting to 37 weeks as that's when we found Scarlett had died. I want this baby out before then.

Dh's platelets have gone up again today which is a relief, not out of the danger zone yet but much better, medication seems to be working for now, just need to see what happens when they start lowering the dose. He may need other meds but fingers crossed it just stablilises out. It took them over an hour to get blood from him though :( Ended up having a canula put in.

I've got a blood glucose monitoring kit now from the hospital today, results have been high already which is rubbish as I wasn't expecting that. They were after a baseline as they suspect I had undiagnosed GD with Scarlett (even though I kept asking the hospital about it and brought it up constantly they still said it wasn't the case). I'm quite worried now as there were a lot of signs pointing towards GD in retrospect that they should have picked up; extra fluid, measuring large, I had some symptoms but also some from the post mortem as well. I can't bear the thought of another stillbirth. I'm pretty scared actually and I'm just 12+2.

Oh, ilike - he was so beautiful, so different to DS2. DS2 was a skinny scrawny little thing, but Ciaran was chubbier, even though he weighed less, he had a more rounded face. And jowls, iykwim?

Cheese - When are you due to see the diabetic consultant? If your reading are high now, they may put you straight onto insulin. They did that with me, and tbh i'm feeling much better because of it.

Thinking of you all x

dee,thinking of you today,and candle lit here, xxx

i often sit here and cry and we end up rowing cos dh says he doesnt know what to do to make it better,yet he often goes and bends poor jaydens ears when things get crap, i dont drive so cant, its hard ,men deal with it differently i thinkxx

I have missed you Hazy xxx

dee Ciaran sounds gorgeous xx I've only done 2 readings so far today the one after lunch was 8.2 I think and the one after dinner was 9.2. I was told to test 1 hour after breakfast, lunch and dinner and also before anything in the morning. Have to be below 7.8 after eating. Not sure how that would compare to others though. Are you on insulin now?

hazy hugs xxx

I am indeed, Cheese. I did a couple of weeks of just readings and they were in the mid teens, and when i told them they put me on metformin and insulin straight away.

I test one day before breakfast, lunch, dinner and bed, and the next before breakfast, 2 hours after b'fast, 2 hours after lunch and then 2 hours after dinner.

My last review my bloods had been between 4 - 7.8, and they put my insulin up to 18mls with b'fast and then again with dinner, but thats going to be reviewed in three weeks with a view to upping the inections to 4x daily.

I hope that you manage to get your bloods controlled soon.

Hazy - cwtches x

Mid teens sounds quite high then, do you think mine sound ok? I know it's just 2 readings so far though! I guess a week will give a better indication. Ah so you don't test the same every day then, I think I'd get confused! I don't envy the injections, I hate needles and sqeamish of blood too so these finger pricks are bad enough.

Are you feeling better on insulin? Is it likely to get worse or doesn't GD work that way? I've been trying to do some reading up but it's been difficult finding anything more than the basics so far.

Hope you don't need to be on more but whatever is best for you and baby of course xx

Ideally, my consultant has said to try and keep the bloods below 8.0, so whilst 9.2 is high, i wouldn't say it was excessive, though it can depend on how long you've had diabetes for.

Do you know, i am feeling much better. I don't feel so bone weary al the time. I'm still knackered, but i think thats more pregnancy and having young children related. One thing i have noticed is that before i was on insulin i had a huge appetite, but now it's hardly anything. For example, last night we had my favorite dinner - pasta and meatballs in tomato sauce. Usually, i'd have had a massive pile of spaghetti, about 15 meatballs and loads of sauce, with lots of garlic bread - last night i managed about three forkfuls of spaghetti, four meatballs and one slice of garlic bread and i was absolutely stuffed. I've also gone off food too, which is completely alien to me, now i have to force myself to eat, whereas i used to have to force myself to stop eating!

As pregnancy continues, the GD will get worse. Insulin will be altered to deal with that though.

Morning girls xx

Morning folks x

Thank you so so much for being there for me last night. It means so bloody much, i can't begin to explain.

I love you guys, yunno.

Morning all and shabs and dee

Thanks dee for the info. I don't really eat large portions and struggle to actually eat meals as such. I tend to snack or eat sandwiches etc, also a fussy veggie that dislikes salads, pulses, nuts etc...Will see how I get on, thanks again though, it's good to have some advice from someone in the same boat :) How are you feeling this morning?

I'm much better, calmer. Can breathe easier, iyswim?

Glad to hear, I know what you mean yes. I hope today is a lot easier for you :)

Thank you. Have you any plans? I'm taking DS2 and two of his friends to the hell that is softplay, then onto McDonalds.

Ah softplay, I really don't like those places much! We go now and again though. Ds1 has a football match this morning, need to leave at about 10 for it, hoping the rain holds off but isn't looking promising. Not sure about this afternoon yet, thinking about the cinema possibly especially if it rains or maybe bake some cakes and do some indoor things. Ds2 and Dd1 are staying with my parents for a couple of hours while we're at the football which is handy :)

Hope you have a good day :) We had a McDonalds yesterday, they love it! All things in moderation

Morning folks.

Softplay was actually realy good. All three of them were exceptionally well behaved and when we went to Mcdonalds later, i was even complimented on what fine mannered young men they were! We had a lovely day, and Boyo declared it the best birthday ever!

Hope everyone has a peaceful Sunday. Much love to you all x

Morning girls xx

Glad you had a good day Dee xx